I will try to keep this short but give you the details needed. We are a blended family. My husband and I have a 1.5 year old and he has two older children and girl and a boy 10 and 13, my step children, who we have live with us every other weekend. My husband and I have not had an easy relationship (unplanned pregnancy, very different, but "learning how to be a couple", and our son was born 3 months premature and we had a 3 month hospital stay, plus a lot of lingering health effects.) Unfortunately this has been hard on his older children, things are pretty good now, but they have not had the easiest of transitions to split families.
My question is how do you as a step-mother handle your time when your step-children are down. I find my time with them to be very overwhelming. My husband is a loving father, and a good provider, but he is NOT a hands on daddy. For example if the kids ask (they pretty much seek me out for everything because they know I am much more responsive than their dad, which is really tiring.) "hey what is for breakfast, can we have pancakes?" There dad will just say "No, go make yourself some toast or cereal." Then I end up feeling guilty bc there is no reason why the kids can't have pancakes, we don't have plans and we aren't running out the door, and I end up making them for them, spending an hour in the kitchen cooking and cleaning, while my husband watches the news or surfs the net with a cup of coffee. I am also attending to our 18 month old while doing all of this. It makes me feel resentful and not loving, which makes me feel awful. I have talked to hubby and his feelings are, I certaintly should NOT feel obligated to do this type of stuff, and the kids are fine with cereal. I have a hard time bc i know that if this was my own DS who is just the light of my life I would be making him pancakes every day of the week if he asked me to because I am his Mommy and I love him. Another chronic issue is doing/playing with the kids. For example I took my DS to open gym the other day, and obviously the two older children wanted to go too. I am fine with that, but I feel resentful that I have all 3 kids by myself. My husband thinks if I don't want to take them, then don't. They will be fine at home hanging out with him. Should I just let this be and not really invite them to go along if Dad isn't coming too?
Anyway sorry this is getting a little long, this role of step-parent is just really hard and challenging for me. Is it bad of me to seperate the two groups of children? I'm not saying not be loving or available, but take more of a hands off role....like "I don't know what breakfast is, you should ask your dad if he has anything planned?" or "If you guys are interested in going to the big sliding hill, you should ask your Dad if he will give you a ride over their."
Thanks for your insight!