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How do I say this tactfully? Slightly long. - Page 2

post #21 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neera View Post

I am sorry I don't understand your post either. I am sure they have umbrellas and raincoats of their own??


Sorry, my point is that there is nothing wrong with the kids needing to walk to school, if anything walking is better for them in the long run (builds valuable skills).  You seem to feel a little guilty about not offering them a ride without a carseat when it was raining, and I'm saying you have no reason to feel guilty because it's not some hardship that's worth a dangerous ride to avoid.  Another option, instead of carpooling without carseats, would be to organise a walking schoolbus.

post #22 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelsmama View Post

Another option, instead of carpooling without carseats, would be to organise a walking schoolbus.

YES!!  Great idea! 

post #23 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelsmama View Post

shrug.gif would any of the kids have been getting rides 30 years ago?  If it's raining, you could offer to loan them raincoats, or an umbrella.   Walking, and dressing for the weather are valuable skills that are well worth cultivating, not a hardship that needs to be avoided at all costs.  If you really want to confuse your neighbours you could offer to walk their kids to school and back.

I'm 45 and walked to elementary school (about 7/10ths of a mile.) But, we got rides when it was really rainy, snowy, or icy.
post #24 of 48

If it were just the car seat thing, I wouldn't buy one that I wouldn't otherwise need except to drive the neighbor kid. (Actually, I can imagine doing just that, back when we had money to do that kind of thing).  If they want me to drive their child home they need to provide me with the car seat.  That's exactly what some carpooling parents did at ds's preschool. The children's car seats came in to school with the children and went home with the children. The car seats sat in a corner of the class room. 

 

I pushed myself out there to do all sorts of annoying things for the sake of Community, including driving carpool.  I liked being a portion of the mechanism that was raising our kids, and keeping that in mind helped when I really didn't like someone else. 

 

HOWEVER, you're right to want to nip this one in the bud. Mamalisa's response is perfect.

 

Don't worry about being blunt. Some people don't 'hear' tactful, they require blunt to get the message. 

post #25 of 48
Giving rides might help your child cut down on tantrums. Even in kindergarten kids don't often throw a fit in front of each other because it is embarrassing. If it is just something you don't want to do then say no and don't give a reason, reasons leave room for argument and negotiation. If you are willing to carpool if carseats are used then saw that and quote the law.

Your park example is a little confusing. Does the neighbor really not say hi when you do at the park or do you mutually not go over. If she outright ignores you that is rude but if neither of you say hi it is a mutual decision and you are equally rude based on that example.
post #26 of 48

Make it a carseat issue. It is illegal and unsafe and stupid. Maybe leave out the stupid part. =)

post #27 of 48

I keep an extra booster in my trunk.  It doesn't take up enough space to be an issue, cost $15?? or so and makes my life a lot easier.  If dd has a friend coming home with us I pop it out and set it in the seat, my car, my rules.  Some kids fuss, most don't.  I've taken the time to explain how seat belts work and told them how could the same seat belt that works for me (a grown up) possibly fit you properly.  

 

But overall I would seriously bow out.  You don't owe an explanation to anyone, unless you feel like it.  

post #28 of 48
Just say that you won't give rides to kid without a car seat/booster because it is illegal. If you don't want to give rides at all, just say, "I can't give you a ride." with no explanation. If you give a reason, that will just open it up for an argument.
post #29 of 48

You sound really hostile to the idea of giving other kids a ride regardless of the car seat issue. Just remember that if you blow them off they will blow you off too if you ever need their help.

post #30 of 48

Why not just be honest?  Say your kiddo gets grumpy at the end of the day and/or you guys are not morning people and you don't feel like carpooling because the car is your time to decompress for a few minutes.  If you don't mind doing it occasionally add in the part about how you wouldn't mind giving them a ride in a pinch (on a rainy day) as long as they have a car seat.  

post #31 of 48
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post

 

neera i want to say this gently without coming across as being mean or unsupportive. the way i look at this is - we live in a community. and i'd like to support the community sometimes even if i have to do things i dont like. even if the community is not the best. some of those moms might even be the type who might outright on your face say no. the thing is i decide how i want to be. doesnt mean you have to do what i do (perhaps i do it coz as a single mom it would be nice to have someone around if i have to run to the drug store in the middle of the night), but i have always needed to support the community. but i think they will get the picture if you keep making excuses and say no. 

 

i have to say i am so sorry that there are families like that around you with whom dd cant play. it sucks to live with kids in the neighborhood and yet you are not interested. that seems to be dd's luck too. 

lots of posts. i'll try to respond to as many as i can.

 

thanks. i understand that. i doubt v. much the few people in question here would help me apart from the fact that I am v. bad at asking for help. one doesn't know english. the other is the person from the park - have called and left msgs. about 3-4 times (not for favors) and my calls were never acknowledged. it could be my issue but i find that q. rude. third person is the mom who was being pushy to bring her dc along with the teenaged sibling when i was telling her i don't have an extra car seat. the person that doesn't know english is the most needy. she doesn't have a car, has a min wage job. her dh can't join her as he has some immigration issues and she is essentially a single mother. i have given her rides many times but not with her dc. her dc starts school this september. i also don't want to help with the intention or the hope it will be returned. i didn't like getting pushed. at least if the mom had said could you bring my child on a bad weather day, I would be fine with that. the third mom in question really needs to learn to drive. apart from these persons there are other neigbors that would totally help me if i ever wanted help and i would totally help them. i just go by the rules though. :)

 

apart from that mornings are absolutely crazy  for us. dd whether rested or not causes trouble. even when everything has gone smoothly, she'll cause trouble at the last minute when she has to put her let's say jacket and hat on. we are always running out with a few minutes left. you and i have talked about his before. you thought it might be she's not motivated. i believe that but her teacher thinks othewise.

 

p.s. i have only one dc.

post #32 of 48
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post

I LOVE carpooling so not doing so wouldn't be the way I'd go. I think I'd talk to the group about a carseat swap so that all kids were in seats. IME, extra carseats are all over the place. Maybe just putting it out there will do the trick. 

Thanks, I think I could do that.

post #33 of 48
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelsmama View Post


Sorry, my point is that there is nothing wrong with the kids needing to walk to school, if anything walking is better for them in the long run (builds valuable skills).  You seem to feel a little guilty about not offering them a ride without a carseat when it was raining, and I'm saying you have no reason to feel guilty because it's not some hardship that's worth a dangerous ride to avoid.  Another option, instead of carpooling without carseats, would be to organise a walking schoolbus.

I didn't not offer the ride; I was called by a mom requesting a ride. It was still summer. We were going to the orientation program. It was not a heavy rain, just a light drizzle and we were walking ourselves so that's what I told her. I'd love for us to walk everyday too but dd refused and I had told her it wasn't an option but we ultimately ended up driving because we are always running late.

post #34 of 48
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post

 If they want me to drive their child home they need to provide me with the car seat.   

yeahthat.gif

post #35 of 48

I fell into this trap when my kids were little

 

I tried to make nice and be a team player - but the bottom line is that I simply enjoyed my mornings and afternoons with my kids.  

 

It took a while for my to be able to put my finger on it.   And to stop feeling so selfish and petty - but when I hit on the words and way to say it - it was over!

 

I explained that the mornings were just too hectic to have to depend on someone else.  What if we weren't ready to go when the neighbor was.  What if we wanted just a few extra minutes one particular morning to chill in bed.  That led to phone calls and explanations and it was a pain.  Also - there is always one neighbor who is never ready and makes you wait.   I just decided no....I wasn't interested and it turned out to be no big deal. 

 

As far as the afternoons - that time in the car is when my kids talked about their day.  I felt like it was important for me to be available to them to listen.  No extra kids.  

 

Don't get me wrong - as my kids became teens - I thrived on all the activity and fun of having lots of kids around.   But some people just like a system and control and I'm one of them.  

post #36 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by chel View Post

If it is just a carseat issue, can you just buy an extra backless booster or two. Around $15 a piece.

why on earth should SHE buy a booster (or two!) so that she can be a free taxi to anyone / everyone in the apartment complex??

hey, maybe her own kid can just stay home from school and that frees up another seat in her vehicle. 

and / or she can run a shuttle back and forth every morning, get three boosters and run three sets of kids up to school, turn around and come back for another three.

 

now, maybe if she could work out a deal where the other parents give her gas money (and supply their own booster seat)...

post #37 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by tropicana View Post

why on earth should SHE buy a booster (or two!) so that she can be a free taxi to anyone / everyone in the apartment complex??

In the OP's case, I don't think she should. But it's normal among my circle of friends and neighbors to buy an extra inexpensive booster for those times when someone is in a pinch and needs help picking someone up from school, or when you kid spur-of-the-moment invites a friend home after school.
post #38 of 48

I have flat out refused to take other peoples children without a car seat.  I just say, that I have taught my son that he has to ride in his booster all the time, and if I make exceptions for other kids, he will not understand.  That being said, I do have a $15 booster in my trunk that I keep for my nephew and emergencies (i.e. one of our friends had a delayed flight and I picker her son up).  

post #39 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by lab View Post

I fell into this trap when my kids were little

I tried to make nice and be a team player - but the bottom line is that I simply enjoyed my mornings and afternoons with my kids.  

It took a while for my to be able to put my finger on it.   And to stop feeling so selfish and petty - but when I hit on the words and way to say it - it was over!

I explained that the mornings were just too hectic to have to depend on someone else.  What if we weren't ready to go when the neighbor was.  What if we wanted just a few extra minutes one particular morning to chill in bed.  That led to phone calls and explanations and it was a pain.  Also - there is always one neighbor who is never ready and makes you wait.   I just decided no....I wasn't interested and it turned out to be no big deal. 

As far as the afternoons - that time in the car is when my kids talked about their day.  I felt like it was important for me to be available to them to listen.  No extra kids.  

Don't get me wrong - as my kids became teens - I thrived on all the activity and fun of having lots of kids around.   But some people just like a system and control and I'm one of them.  


THIS! I was trying to figure out why I wouldn't want to give rides either. I'm an introvert and not a morning person, so having to deal with getting another kid that isn't mine in the car would be such a hassle. Kids are usually tired and cranky after a long day too.

This isn't about being apart of a community and not supporting your neighbors. This sounds more like she's being taken avantage of.
post #40 of 48

I have found that the ideal of "everyone pitching in" is really just me doing favors for everyone and never getting anything in return.  I have this idea about community and everyone helping out, but it never NEVER works that way.  I'm the one giving rides, I'm the one with a houseful of kids who are not my own, I'm the one babysitting on my birthday or holidays and yet NO ONE has ever ONCE been available for me when I've needed them. 

 

Just say no.  If your gut says this one request will lead to more and more you don't want to do, just say - sorry, I just can't!  And keep moving.  People who would not help you have no right to be mad at you for not bailing them out.
 

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