While I have a few minutes I wanted to share what has been running through my head. I can not shake the thought "I'm so tired of this" meaning life. Now don't think I'm going to go kill myself or my family because I don't have any thoughts like that!
It could be a spike in my pregnancy hormones? I noticed when I'm feeling like this- stressed, tired, irritable, like PMS, I break out in pimples. Also after tracking my hormones and going through hormone therapy in the past for stress I realized Progesterone make me "crazy". It's suppose to be the peaceful hormone, but why when it rises in women do millions of them suffer from PMS? Progesterone gradually increases throughout pregnancy until birth.
Obviously pregnancy is a stressful time but I've felt like this for years. It ebbs and flows. I don't think I am ever really happy though. I don't really find any joy in life. I listened to a neuroscience book recently. He talked about how our brains are wired, and they are wired to soak up the negative and send the positive through a sieve. It made sense to me looking back at pictures and videos that I've had happy and good times, but they are just not stored in my brain.
I dread getting up everyday. I'm tired and I just don't want to do all the things I have to do. I recently discovered I need to allow myself a break sometimes, and am working on doing that. Along with doing things that I want to do. However that doesn't escape the fact that someone has to take care of my kids. Someone has to cook for them, someone has to clean the house, someone has to pay the bills and run errands, someone has to teach them school, the list is endless. And the only someone to do that is me. So while I may have discovered that sometimes I just need to sit and take a minute for myself or do something I want to do instead of what needs to get done it doesn't take away from all the things I still have to do everyday. I read somewhere once that if you spend your day doing things you hate to do they will be miserable until you stop doing them. Well I hate cooking, I hate cleaning, I hate laundry...
So, I continue to be disgusted with life everyday. I love my kids and do enjoy being a mom, but you all know being a mom is tough work. It's taxing physically, emotionally, mentally and it's never ending. My high expectations and dreamer personality just doesn't get fulfilled by wiping butts, cooking, and sitting in traffic. I will never leave my kids nor do I want to. I like to travel and I like getting away from the "everyday" however doing this with kids is stressful and removes the joy out of it. We drove cross-country last year. 7,000 miles, 3 kids age 2,4,7. It was extremely stressful throughout the trip so much so we kept thinking about turning back. But back at home when it was over it seemed like we had a good time, well at least we saw and experienced some cool stuff.
What can I do to be happy? How can I look forward to doing all the mundane requirements of daily life?