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Tired of It All - Page 2

post #21 of 28
Thread Starter 

Well I finally came back on and read everyone post.  I understand everyone is trying to help.  However telling me I have sever issues and my kids are suffering from it doesn't help at all.  I'm aware I have issues. Honestly everyone has issues.  I share these things with my husband, "friends", midwife, etc. I don't mind feedback but don't like being told something is wrong with me or what I have to do to fix it.  I have never accept anyone telling me what to do.  ESPECIALLY how to mother my children. 

 

Like I said my mood ebbs and flows.  Some days I'm really stressed (like the day I wrote my original post) and other days I'm calm and happy.  I think I am extremely sensitive to my hormones.  I am a very emotional person also. I perceive the world through my feelings.  I'm also very strong willed and strong minded.  I can trudge through feeling like crap while still getting my daily tasks done and even breaking to laugh and play with the kids. It's sorta a time for discovery for me right now.  I got off of FB b/c it was depressing me. I'm using that time to focus on myself and my kids.  I've discovered a lot about myself in the past 2 months.  

 

I hear you all and it's true.  I'm sure I have OCD, depression, and suffer from perfectionism. Yes, even I think therapy would be beneficial to me.  Right now it's off the table.  We do not have the time or the money.  Not only is pregnancy a hard time, but we have taken some heavy financial blows this year. My husband who works 6 days/80 hours a week is trying to get a second job. I try to take care of myself.  I eat healthy, try to exercise daily (I say try b/c we have all been sick for over 3 weeks now and haven't done much of anything) (add a house of sick kids and being sick myself to boot has not helped with my stress lately)  I am always trying self-help techniques, and have sought medical help when things weren't  working in the past.  

 

Ah the friends issue. I'm working on accepting that I just cant' make friends. Not good or lasting or close ones.  I can't relate to others I can't.  I tell moms how much my husband works and they say "oh my husband works long hours too" When I ask, how long? The answer is always like 50-60 hours. I laugh in my head - 50-60 hours! that is like part time for us! If my husband worked 50-60 hours a week that would life changing for our family. Add everything else I said in my second post.  Our family/work situation is so far from "normal" and always has been. I don't feel like we are a part of society.  I went out yesterday and saw tons of people taking their boats out.  I wondered what it must be like to have weekends? To have that time reoccurring.  To get 2 days of fun with your family weekly? I despise weekends.  Everywhere I go I see families together.  Everything happens on the weekend. Art shows, festivals, etc. I would love to do these things! Sometimes I do, I take my kids alone but it's not the same as having  your husband with you. Can anyone else reading this post relate? Do any of your husbands work on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter? Are any of your husbands denied from taking off for your birthday? Unless your in my boat I don't think you can understand.  And no he can't leave the job.  It's high paying and we are dependent on the big check. 

 

After my son was born and I went through sever stress.  I stood in a group of HS moms at soccer and told them all how hard it was for me.  I told them how the stress was so overwhelming to me I just cry.  They were all concerned and wanted to help.  They all had suggestions.  Yet none of them ever did anything to help me.  When I say I've really tried to make friends, I MEAN I'VE REALLY TRIED TO MAKE FRIENDS.  I have yet to find someone I can relate to.  Someone who I actually like.  Someone with compatible kids. Someone who can be the friend I need.  I still try but my heart is no longer in it.  I no longer start relationships with the hope it will grow. 

 

This a going to be a tough year for us.  Next year we are hoping my husband can take a different job.  Less $ but a lot more time at home.  Help from him. Time for me to do things, alone if I want. Money again to do things. Vacation, oh how I'm longer for a vacation that is not coming this year. For right now I just have to keep drudging through it. 

post #22 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by FLmomof1/1ontheway View Post
 It's high paying and we are dependent on the big check. 

Then go through your family budget and reallocate some money towards domestic help.


Those women were helping you by listening and caring and  offering suggestions.  It's sad that you can't appreciate the people IRL and online who were trying to think of your well-being and happiness and  by using all the brain power they have, try to offer suggestions that could well help you build a plan that may lead you out of a life that is not working.

 

I'll bow out of this thread; apparently commiseration is all that you can accept at the moment.   Although I have a lot in common with you and your situation, (and my heart goes out for your sadness and your children) I just don't have it in me to wallow in it with someone who is so defeatist.  I'm frantically taking action to try to nip my pre-natal depression in the bud, and find joy within life circumstances that make me want to literally murder somebody when I let myself dwell on them.  I can't let myself.  I'm joining a band and last night I tried songwriting for the first time, and writing lyrics and melodies and singing all the shittiest angriest angstiest feelings out until I was sobbing, really helped.  I had never thought of doing it before but then I decided that I gotta think outside of the box in order to find a solution that works to allow lasting relief from my spiraling-down-the-toilet mood this year.

 

Anyway, good luck to you.

post #23 of 28

Hiya.

 

I just wanted to say a few little things....as I relate to some of what you're going through (I think?)

 

Firstly - I, like you, wanted a boy rather badly (difference is my child is going to be my one and only). My father raised me, after my mother left me when I was 3, and my bond with him is extraordinary, and I'd always had great relationships with guys, and not with girls - so much so, I just didn't know if I had anything to offer a girl child. I also thought that raising a boy would somehow be 'easier' (am quite sure I was deluded on that score). I cried for two days after the gender-scan when there were no dangly bits. And honestly, it bothered me on and off for a loooong time. I still think about the boy I didn't have. I love my girl - she's cool - but I think life and emotions and dreams and expectations are very complex and subtle things. It's possible you might always grieve for that child - but imho, that's okay, and just another part of the ups and downs that make your life and you what it is, and what you are (like it or not, and sometimes we don't).

 

Perfectionism. Hard one. I'm like this too. I think it's rubbing off on my daughter - but then, who knows really? - she's a very bright, vocal, independent, and bossy little thing...maybe she's just like that - anyway, unless being too perfect (or attempting to be) is ruining something about your existence...then it's really not a problem per se. Being aware of yourself and your tendencies and feelings is always better than not being aware, even if it seems harder - i.e. knowing things, but not having the answers or being able to find a way forward. But knowing yourself well can lead to better places, eventually, luck, good health and other things permitting! (OCD is a different matter of course, if it is causing problems).

 

Friends: Another hard one. Some of us just end up in certain places in our lives - then wonder how the hell we got there? Or how things could/should be different. I certainly feel like that. I made certain decisions - to live in a beautiful, but very remote part of the world. To have a child. To build a house. All three of these decisions combined have led me to a weird place now. I don't have anything in common with the few other people in our remote community. My girl (or rather, being a parent) has exhausted me in a way I never would have dreamed was possible (see my chronic insomnia thread in this forum). Building a house has turned out to be a regretful thing too, as we've nearly run out of money, yet can't move in because it's not finished. Bit of a disaster. All three of these things were meant to make my life more fulfilled, or move me along to a better place...or some other thing like that - but they haven't. They've made life harder. Very hard.

 

I don't have any advice for you - because I kind of get that you're stuck, and other people's advice is all about doing things you can't or won't do...which is totally fair enough. Our issues are very specific to us. But I can empathise. Life is just not what it's cracked up to be sometimes. (My family hassle me about not having my girl in daycare so we can finish the house, get a break, etc - but this is just not how we wanted things to go for her - so...well, I make sure I don't complain too much to them about having no time for anything. Cough cough.) Our families are a long way away, we're lucky to see them once a year - so Xmas etc are fairly low-key things here too.

 

For myself, I guess I cope by believing that the things that don't seem right, or I'm bereft of, will be around the corner for me one day...that corner might be months, or years away...but if I trudge along, and look after myself and my family the best I can - and try and see joy in things that happen in the present moment (difficult often, when tired and grumpy and overwhelmed)...then...maybe, maybe. This keeps me going. My three examples, the hope bit goes: We will move into the new house eventually, my girl will get older and a little easier (!?), my insomnia will be cured (ha ha) and I will generally find more time to get back to doing things I enjoy. Simplistic, but it is what it is.

 

Also - I have a rich internal life...and I love dreaming, and reading...and before my daughter was born I was quite a prolific amateur (but aspiring) writer. I get, or rather used to get, lots of solace and inspiration from writing. And art. Nowadays - I don't have the time! Was going to write a journal for and about the kid - managed it for one month after birth. Then all writing has gone Kaput. Gah. But I look forward to having that time again too. I still read every night though, and it's quite insane just how MUCH that hour or so in bed means to me. I look forward to it, and cling to it some days like a rock in a storm. (My bigger dreams and indulgences are just on pause - not forgotten about entirely. That's how I like to think about it anyway).

 

Back to friends. I don't make friends easily either - especially with women. But (and maybe this sounds like giving up?) I look around in my community and see a certain woman...and think: Well, she's loud and a bit obnoxious (or whatever) - we've got nothing in common...etc etc... BUT, here I am, and I'm not moving any time soon - and she does make me laugh, and she's a fabulous baker, AND she's raised three kids and knows a thing or two. The potential friends around here are not the one's I would have chosen for myself in times gone by....but, when it's a choice between being really lonely, or having some company occasionally...well, then, I find it easier to find the interesting/good aspects of people I vaguely know.

Having said that - I haven't got the TIME to be truly social - so I totally understand that aspect too. I've filed these people away on my 'will get to it later' list. (And I guess I could say that I'm not lonely enough yet either).

 

Like I said - no advice really. You know yourself, and what you want, what you can and can't have at the moment etc. And...if you can't wallow a little online...then the world is a sad place after all.

 

Wish you the best.


Edited by Grover - 4/7/13 at 3:34pm
post #24 of 28

hug2.gif  I'm sorry you are feelilng so stuck.  Sometimes if you take out money from the situation, I think me being a single parent is probably easier than you being a married stay at home parent with a spouse who works long hours.  You have to still have another person to think about while I can just come and go at will and worry about myself and my kids.  I don't have to think about whether my partner needs laundry done or lunch made for tomorrow, etc.  It's gotta be tough co-parenting with someone who lives with you but is never home.  I know famiily time on his one day off a week is precious but I think you might benefit from an hour to yourself.  Maybe you could get up earlier than the kids and go for a walk or maybe sit outside in the backyard with your coffee and a book.  Personally, I like to get up 20minutes earlier than my kids every weekday and fix my coffee and read some blogs.  They inspire me and relax me and get me in the right frame of mind for the parent I want to be for the day and I enjoy 20minutes of peace to myself before the chaos starts.  It sucks that it has to happen at 5:30am but this time of year, the sunrise is particularly pretty anyway so maybe it's a benefit!  thumb.gif

post #25 of 28
I hear you OP about not being able to find friends. Sometimes there is no one around with whom you are compatible. It completely sucks. It's worse hanging with families that you don't feel good about than being alone, that's what I concluded. But both is bad. Wish I had something constructive to suggest.
post #26 of 28

I feel for you.  It takes me years to make friends.  And that is years of regular contact.  As a mom, regular contact is a joke.  I do not count standing on the sidelines watching my kid play as regular contact.   It is very, very hard for me to make friends.  I still remember my panic over my wedding when my husband informed me that he was going to have five groomsmen.  I did not have five friends.  No joke.

 

I also know that feeling of perfectionism.  I can parent my kids better than anyone else.  I can do the dishes, the laundry, <insert activity> better than anyone else.  But here is what else I realized.  I spent my youth with a mom who feels that way.  And when I got older, it was very, very hard for me to do housework and laundry and whatnot because I always feared it was never up to her standards.  So now I try to do a little bit of Tom Sawyer on my kids, and pretend that my chores are FUN and don't they want to do them too?  Then I have to seriously stand back and count to 10 as water is sloshed on the floor, the outside of pans aren't washed, clothing is poorly folded, etc.  I actually set a timer.  10 minutes.  After that their time is up and it is mommy's turn.  It is really hard, but I'm trying to teach them to help as well trying to teach them that chores are just another part of life, not a test of your worth as a person. (That is obviously my own issues rearing up there!)

 

I hope that when your baby comes your mood will brighten.  Being a mom is so, so hard.  But so worth it.  Hang in there and know that if we lived closer, I would be your friend.  (In about three years.  Give me time!)   
 

post #27 of 28
It can be difficult when one doesn't really understand the situation to say the right thing and be helpful. Most of the time, posters are trying to help. We only get a snippet of your life, and color that through our own experiences. The result is imperfect, at best. Still, if you sift through the suggestions, sometimes there will be a golden nugget of helpful advice, so I'm going to throw my advice into the mix, and hope there is some value for you. If there isn't, please understand my intentions are to help, and I wish you well, regardless of how much my suggestions benefit you.


First, I'm curious about your husband's job. Is he a doctor? I ask because it just kind of sounds like he is. I am also concerned about him getting a second job. Will he be able to get enough rest? If he gets seriously ill, that won't help.

You are in a very difficult place, in your life. Naturally, you are going to feel down, at times. And I understand there really aren't any 'up' times, right now, only timed not quite as low as others. I suggest you take a deep breath, hold it, then let it out as you release your emotions. That may help you get through the tricky moments.

When I was in a similar place, I was told by another mom that she took it day by day. When I said that I wanted more in life than that, she agreed, and said, "Sometimes, though, that's the best you can do. When I was in boot camp, I took it hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute. You do what you have to do for that place in your life." Those words helped me. I hope they help you.

When you are ready to consider making changes to your life that will bring you closer to the life you are longing for, those who can help you will be all around you. I firmly believe it works that way. I'm guessing that, for now, some part of you thinks where you are is where it is best -- perhaps for the children. I did that, myself. Most do not understand. That (the lack of understanding) cannot be changed, and is not something you need to focus on, right now.

I hope this helps.
post #28 of 28

Although it seems like every minute of parenting is a lifetime for much of the 18 years, it's really only a fraction of your life. I was amazed when my daughter left home how short it seemed in retrospect.

 

The best thing I learned as a parent is that I am 100% responsible for my parenting. Family, friends, spouse, and school are on the outside of each woman's experience of parenting. I found very little comfort in friendship or other social support. Those support experiences were really only ways for me to blow off steam or have a distracting interaction. They were a small hiatus from the daily grind. They didn't really provide anything that taking a walk, reading a short story, watching a movie, or taking a nap would have provided and I quickly realized, like the OP, that what I needed wasn't involvement from other people; what I needed was an interaction that reinforced my independent personhood. I learned to do that for myself so that when I interacted with others I was relaxed and not needy.

 

The depression described by the OP is the loss of personhood that results from allowing another mind to live within your psychology, which is how human parenting is done. It's a parasitic relationship for much of the time, thus it must be transformed through love into nurturing. At the most difficult times I realized that I must be willing to literally give myself to my child, not just take care of her or spend my time with her. I became loving.

 

Now that my daughter is grown, I have all the skills and development of this inner life that I can redirect to myself. I'm now my own best resource; I trust myself, like myself, invest in myself, nurture myself with a wholeness and love that I never had before.

 

Hang in there, it gets better, but it's a treasure hard-won.

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