Well I finally came back on and read everyone post. I understand everyone is trying to help. However telling me I have sever issues and my kids are suffering from it doesn't help at all. I'm aware I have issues. Honestly everyone has issues. I share these things with my husband, "friends", midwife, etc. I don't mind feedback but don't like being told something is wrong with me or what I have to do to fix it. I have never accept anyone telling me what to do. ESPECIALLY how to mother my children.
Like I said my mood ebbs and flows. Some days I'm really stressed (like the day I wrote my original post) and other days I'm calm and happy. I think I am extremely sensitive to my hormones. I am a very emotional person also. I perceive the world through my feelings. I'm also very strong willed and strong minded. I can trudge through feeling like crap while still getting my daily tasks done and even breaking to laugh and play with the kids. It's sorta a time for discovery for me right now. I got off of FB b/c it was depressing me. I'm using that time to focus on myself and my kids. I've discovered a lot about myself in the past 2 months.
I hear you all and it's true. I'm sure I have OCD, depression, and suffer from perfectionism. Yes, even I think therapy would be beneficial to me. Right now it's off the table. We do not have the time or the money. Not only is pregnancy a hard time, but we have taken some heavy financial blows this year. My husband who works 6 days/80 hours a week is trying to get a second job. I try to take care of myself. I eat healthy, try to exercise daily (I say try b/c we have all been sick for over 3 weeks now and haven't done much of anything) (add a house of sick kids and being sick myself to boot has not helped with my stress lately) I am always trying self-help techniques, and have sought medical help when things weren't working in the past.
Ah the friends issue. I'm working on accepting that I just cant' make friends. Not good or lasting or close ones. I can't relate to others I can't. I tell moms how much my husband works and they say "oh my husband works long hours too" When I ask, how long? The answer is always like 50-60 hours. I laugh in my head - 50-60 hours! that is like part time for us! If my husband worked 50-60 hours a week that would life changing for our family. Add everything else I said in my second post. Our family/work situation is so far from "normal" and always has been. I don't feel like we are a part of society. I went out yesterday and saw tons of people taking their boats out. I wondered what it must be like to have weekends? To have that time reoccurring. To get 2 days of fun with your family weekly? I despise weekends. Everywhere I go I see families together. Everything happens on the weekend. Art shows, festivals, etc. I would love to do these things! Sometimes I do, I take my kids alone but it's not the same as having your husband with you. Can anyone else reading this post relate? Do any of your husbands work on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter? Are any of your husbands denied from taking off for your birthday? Unless your in my boat I don't think you can understand. And no he can't leave the job. It's high paying and we are dependent on the big check.
After my son was born and I went through sever stress. I stood in a group of HS moms at soccer and told them all how hard it was for me. I told them how the stress was so overwhelming to me I just cry. They were all concerned and wanted to help. They all had suggestions. Yet none of them ever did anything to help me. When I say I've really tried to make friends, I MEAN I'VE REALLY TRIED TO MAKE FRIENDS. I have yet to find someone I can relate to. Someone who I actually like. Someone with compatible kids. Someone who can be the friend I need. I still try but my heart is no longer in it. I no longer start relationships with the hope it will grow.
This a going to be a tough year for us. Next year we are hoping my husband can take a different job. Less $ but a lot more time at home. Help from him. Time for me to do things, alone if I want. Money again to do things. Vacation, oh how I'm longer for a vacation that is not coming this year. For right now I just have to keep drudging through it.