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BM is ruining my life!!!

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
For 10+ years I have been married to a very non-confrontational person. He loves his daugher, my SD, and our children. He is a very out of site, out of mind acting father. It drives me crazy. He is so interactive with our children. My SD was 2 when we got married. I have always been in her life as long as she can remember. I love that little girl as if she was my own. She thinks I helped her mom when her mom was pregnant. She just knows we have been a family forever regardless of anything. We live out of state. My husband and I are both employed. Since my husband doesn't do anything but send support while she isn't with us, I take over. I don't see where it is fair for my SD not to get little things when we are capable to doing for her. I love doing that. I know her eyes just light up when she has a package in the mail. Lots of times its silly things like stationary and stamps. She loves fingernail polish and stickers. I just send small things. These are things that I get my own children. SD lives with her BM and stepdad in the upstairs of the grandparents 2 bedroom garage with a lot of siblings. BM is a stay a home mom, who uses state/federal assistance as a form of income vs a temporary program. They have always lived there. Now her family is really growing and it is super crowded. Now, her BM always has a crisis. So I send lots of early child support payments. I send my children's clothes as they outgrow for her young kids. I send paperwork stating our CS payments at a minutes notice b/c she forgot and her foodstamps are getting turned off. I put money on my SD debit card so she can have gas money or money for the week because she mismanaged her money. I am not a saint by no means, but I am dependable. If she needs something, I have always been someone she can count on, and this is because I love my SD. This woman is such an awful person. She treats me like dirt. She talks to me like I owe her something. She says I need to know my place. She says I need to know my boundaries. She text me at 2am when I actually have to work the next day. This is nothing new. I can't stand it. This woman stands up our family who tries to help our SD since we aren't in town. This is so disrespectful. I just asked her to show the same respect that I show her and let us know if it's going to fall through just like we would. How is this wrong? She says that I am mothering her? Listen... She is not a spring chicken anymore. She is in her 30s. Why is she so upset with me. I didn't do anything to her. I feel bad for the numerous people that she is putting out of their way without a call to cancel. Yet, when this woman talks to my husband she is all loving and wants to talk bad about me to him. I can't stand it. I am so mad that he allows this. He says that it's not going to solve anything by starting anything with her, but he has to be there for me. I AM HIS WIFE!!! I am so hurt. I cannot take this anymore. He can go and live in her parents house with her for all I care. I am tired of taking care of both of their problems. I have been doing it for way too long. I am emotionally drained. But hey, I guess she won.
post #2 of 15
I want to prefice my thoughts with - I am not a step parent. I am however married to a man who went through the divorce of his parents. And it has had it's lasting effects on him and our relationship. That being said, I totally get why you feel like the ex won. But you know what? You're SD won when her father married you.
post #3 of 15
I will second that.... Sounds like you are doing an amazing job of being a roll model and step mom for your step daughter. I don't have any advice about the rest of your situation, as it is not one I have been in, but stay strong. Hopefully you and your husband can talk sometime soon so that this does not cause more issues for your marriage and family. Take care.
post #4 of 15
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by 34me View Post

You're SD won when her father married you.

 

You made me cry. I really hope she feels that way. I know she loves me. I just don't want her mother tarnishing our relationship. I know that daughters will always love their mothers. It always kills me because she is always making excuses for her mother. That breaks my heart. No child should ever have to do that. Much less all the time...
post #5 of 15
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by iamamamaof2 View Post

Sounds like you are doing an amazing job of being a roll model and step mom for your step daughter. .......Hopefully you and your husband can talk sometime soon so that this does not cause more issues for your marriage and family.

 

Thank you so much. Ultimatly, that is what I am trying to do. I want my children, including my SD cause she is one of mine as well, to know certain things in life. The BM pushes every button that I have testing me so that I would slip up and show different colors infront on my children. But all it takes is one time of slipping up for them to remember. I remember certain "bad" things when I was growing up with my parents. I am just tired of them hearing me cry all the time. My husband I aren't sleeping in the same room anymore. He is in my SDs room since she isn't here. It's getting really bad. I just can't take it anymore. My whole life is starting to crumble inside the 4 walls of my home. I took next week off. I need some time. My whole body is shutting down. I cannot believe the BM can do this to my family.
post #6 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingMom30 View Post

 

You made me cry. I really hope she feels that way. I know she loves me. I just don't want her mother tarnishing our relationship. I know that daughters will always love their mothers. It always kills me because she is always making excuses for her mother. That breaks my heart. No child should ever have to do that. Much less all the time...


There is a time in every childs life where who and what there parents really are is kind of revealed to them. That moment when you realize all of a sudden that your mom or dad is not this glowing omnipotent being. I remember when I realized my mom was not only not this amazing creature but very hurt, weak and abusive. Your SD's later teen years and adulthood will be full of hese kinds of revelations and she will always know that you were here for her. That the things her mom says are lies. I doubt you are the only Thing she lies about. Just be honest with your SD when she asks you.

 

Her at 15 "Mom, is it true that you robbed the president?"

 

You: "No honey that is not true."

 

Her: "But my mom said."

 

You: "I am sure she did. But its not true."

 

And leave it at that. Children are wonderfully smart, inquisitive and truth seekers.

 

As for your husband the conversation should be over the second she starts to talk badly about you. Totally unacceptable. She is trying to assert control and dominance over you by showing you that she still has that kind of control over your husband.

 

Can your husband and you go to counselling?

post #7 of 15
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLQ1011 View Post


I doubt you are the only Thing she lies about.

 

As for your husband the conversation should be over the second she starts to talk badly about you. Totally unacceptable. She is trying to assert control and dominance over you by showing you that she still has that kind of control over your husband.

 

Can your husband and you go to counselling?

 

I am def not the only thing she lies about. This woman doesn't know the truth between a whole in her head. Everything that comes out of her mouth seems to be a lie. She even tells lies about stuff that doesn't matter. It's all just ridiculous. My husband says the reason he doesn't say anything is b/c she has custody of their daughter b/c she didn't fight for her. So I tell him to fight for her. He won't So I just don't get it. She uses that, and he lets her. As far as counselling. I don't know. He doesn't talk. We don't live near family. We would have to pay for sitters every single time. I just don't see him doing it honestly. I have been on 2 dates since we got married 10 years ago without the kids. I'm just being honest.
post #8 of 15
Thread Starter 
My friends at work told me to remove myself from the situation. They told me that she is using/abusing me. They told me that she is just laughing at me b/c she gets what she wants. So they told me to be the stepmom that I am when she is here. They told me that the BM has told me that I need to know my place. I need to know my boundaries. And obviously that is just an ATM. So I need to let the BM take care of her household when the SD is there. If the BM cant handle it, then the SD can move here. I would love for her to move here anyways... They told me to stop sending her makeup, facewash, bras, and gifts to her. They told me to cancel her prepaid debit card from my name. They said if her Daddy wants her to have one, then he can open her an account under his name. I also bought her an IPHONE. I first got her a flip, then a blackberry, then an iphone. The reason for this was to text and talk to us without having to go through her mother. Well, I paid for them. It's under my name. Her daddy didn't want her to have one, but I disagreed. Her contract is up in August. They told me to cancel it. I thought about getting her an IPod Touch. That way she can still text and facetime us, and there is no bill. She doesn't call anyways. Her BM is forcing my hand. I am not a laughing stock. This is all for my SD. But her BM says that I can't resist but to be friends with the BM. That makes me want to do so many things that aren't like me.
post #9 of 15

Honestly? I agree with your friends - you need to back off. Let Mom do what she does when the child is with her, and you do what you do when with you. 

post #10 of 15
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post

Honestly? I agree with your friends - you need to back off. Let Mom do what she does when the child is with her, and you do what you do when with you. 

 

I have to not be involved with any financial issues! I have tried so hard to not treat my SD any differently than my children. I am not sure how not to be "that stepmom" and treat her like she is different. I love my SD with all of my heart. I hate that her mom has a problem with me when I tell her I can't keep giving all my money to her. She would be fine if I never said I couldn't help her. She never keeps her promises with me, even though they are all things for her daughter. I just don't understand. As far as "back off" I am not all in her business. I am the same way with my nieces and nephews.
post #11 of 15
I understand where your friends are coming from, but if I had a step daughter I would be doing what your doing and trying to help her any way possible as I do for my own children. Your in a very challenging situation. Stay strong and take comfort in the fact that you are doing a good job. I wish I had some advice for you as to how to get your husband to listen and be open to your perspective and what this is doing to you.
post #12 of 15

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, as it's absolutely not meant to be critical.  It sounds like, regardless whether you receive an unfair response, you try to focus on doing the right thing for the people who need you - and I respect that!

 

You've described being an all-around better person than your step-daughter's mother.  I don't say that to accuse you of snobbery, but to be factual:  

- You're dependable and responsible - even toward a child who's not yours, while Mom jumps from one crisis to another, generally of her own making.

- You and your husband live independently, but Mom depends on welfare, free housing from her parents, used clothes from your kids, etc.

- Her marriage to your husband fell apart, while you've made it work with him (except when you guys fight over her)

- You make sure your kids' education is a top priority, while she can't stay on top of her daughter's attendance or help her to "fit in" anywhere but the worst school in their district.

- Mom lets people down and often turns to you - the woman her ex-husband replaced her with - to solve her problems and get her out of jams.  And you don't let her down.

- As you say, she's no spring chicken.  It's not like she's overwhelmed, in her early 20's, with too many kids, but she may get things together by her 30's.  She may always be like this.

 

Don't you suppose Mom also thinks you're a better person than she is?  Don't you think it's humiliating for her to turn to you for help?  If she were mature and functional enough to be grateful and respectful, she'd likely ALSO be mature and functional enough to have her life together and not have so many crises.  She's just not.  In her interactions with you - as in every other situation in her life - she's just scraping by and likely ruled by her fears and insecurities.  She doesn't have the confidence to figure out how to further her education if necessary, find a job and move out of her mother's home.  So she doesn't try.  And the longer she stays there, the less capable she feels, of ever being self-supporting.  She thinks it's beyond her abilities, to get organized enough to stay on top of things and not have crises due to filing things late, etc.  So she doesn't try.  And every time she has to call you for last-minute help, it reinforces her belief that she's incapable of solving her own problems.

 

She does what's easiest.  And one thing that's easy is to find fault with you.  If she can think and say things - however ridiculous - that make her feel like you're beneath her, she can avoid thinking she's beneath you.  If she can treat you like you owe her something, she can avoid admitting that she's in your debt.  She's not strong or confident enough to improve her ego by changing her life.  The only remaining way to feel better about herself is to convince herself that those who might be seen as better than she is are really just as screwed-up as she is (or worse).

 

For you to be upset that she isn't polite, respectful, considerate and cooperative is understandable.  But it's also like being upset with a Jack Russell puppy for not behaving like an adult Laborador Retriever.  It is 100% a waste of your time and energy and, when you stop and think about it, it's not very logical.  If you wanted a calm, obedient Lab, you should have bought one.  Your husband did not want to be with someone like his ex-wife.  So he left her and wound up choosing to be with you, instead.  If his ex-wife were a more functional person, the rest of that story never would have happened.

 

I equate your husband's unwillingess to challenge his ex, when she bad-mouths you, with your choice to continue going out of your way to support your step-daughter, even though her Mom is ungrateful.  He's right:  arguing with her and defending you would accomplish nothing, except increasing tension and drama with Mom, which only stands to hurt your SD.  He's choosing the high ground, by not getting into a useless conflict.

 

Your husband could also choose not to tell you about the stupid things his ex said about you, or that she was flirting with him.  He could tell you how happy he is, to be with you instead of her, rather than letting things degenerate into sleeping in different rooms.  You, too should not let this ruin your marriage.  You should focus more on your husband's choice to be with you and not with his ex, and less on how he handles the no-win situation of having to interact with her, when he picks up or drops off their daughter.

 

Is it more important that you are the one he wants?  Or is it more important that he beat up his ex-wife with that fact, when she's already so insecure about it that she embarrasses herself by flirting with a man who doesn't want her and criticizing the very woman she's forced to turn to, for help?  You win by being you, not by making Mom realize you've won, or making your husband tell her that, when it's already obvious.

 

You might think this is easy for me to say, because I'm not in your shoes.  And I'm not, exactly.  My husband simply doesn't speak to one ex-wife, who lives out of state.  The other, I typically get along with beautifully.  However, the latter ex-wife is just coming out of a sudden, massive burst of insecurity and/or jealousy where she's evidently been bad-mouthing both my husband and me and was apparently upset because their adult son and his wife enjoy spending time with us and we have a young child and get "a 2nd chance" at parenting.  It hurt my feelings, because I usually get along with her.  And it was a little weird that she interspersed her fury toward my husband with calling him to cry on his shoulder and get sympathy.

 

BUT...I know him talking with her and being sympathetic doesn't mean he's going to leave me and get back together with her.  (And you know that, of your husband, as well.)  I know if he shifted the conversation to defending me, it would only make her feel worse - and if he ignores silly things she might say about me, it doesn't mean they're true or that he agrees with her.  And life is better - esp. for my adult step-son - if she gets this out of her system and doesn't feel like my husband is insensitive to her.  So, why let myself feel upset about it, much less damage my marriage over it?  Our marriage is about us, not her.  So is yours.

post #13 of 15
First of all, she is not the child's birth mother, feces, or even breast milk. She is the child's MOTHER. And no matter what the mother does that you don't like, or may not be socially acceptable, the child has the right to love her mother. If her mother, who is raising her, and her FATHER, don't want her to have an iPhone, then she shouldn't have one. No twelve-year-old needs an iPhone.

I may not be a step mother, but I am a foster and foster-adoptive parent. I know what it's like to have to share children with their other parents. But, it's a really bad idea to engage in power struggles or interfere in things that don't concern you.

I am actually more concerned about your husband not being more involved in his daughter's life. Have you guys not considered moving closer to his daughter?

BTW, I totally send texts late at night. It's a quiet time for me and doesn't disrupt anyone's sleep or private time.
post #14 of 15

On the subject of texts, i usually turn off the phone or silence it if i dont want to answer calls. I assume everyone does that so occasionally i send late texts because its the only time i get as a  single mother of 3 to send it, or perhaps i am afraid i wont remember the following day etc. I would be mortified if my text woke anyone, as i assume their phone is off.... mine certainly is.

 

It sounds like a difficult situation,  but try to imagine her situation with managing several  children, as  a single mother, without the means to  buy them an iphone for eg. The other child gets jealous and wants one too, and it creates conflict.  She has to think of her whole family, and your SD who is part of that family.

 

She does sound like a piece of work, and bad mouthing you is aweful, but even under the best of circumstances, the 'new girlfriend/wife' is going to annoy a person....no matter how nice and competent you are.

 

 

Re your SD,I know you feel as though she is your daughter, and she is in your heart. She is lucky to have you, But ultimately, its her father who  should be sending the gifts, not you, or at least, both of you together. As a mother of my children, i would be irked if one of my children was getting gifts without my consent, and in a way unequal to the other kids, iykwm, and you do, because by the same reasoning , you want to treat her like your other children.

 

It must be very difficult.... 

post #15 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingMom30 View Post

My friends at work told me to remove myself from the situation. They told me that she is using/abusing me. They told me that she is just laughing at me b/c she gets what she wants. So they told me to be the stepmom that I am when she is here. They told me that the BM has told me that I need to know my place. I need to know my boundaries. And obviously that is just an ATM. So I need to let the BM take care of her household when the SD is there. If the BM cant handle it, then the SD can move here. I would love for her to move here anyways... They told me to stop sending her makeup, facewash, bras, and gifts to her. They told me to cancel her prepaid debit card from my name. They said if her Daddy wants her to have one, then he can open her an account under his name. I also bought her an IPHONE. I first got her a flip, then a blackberry, then an iphone. The reason for this was to text and talk to us without having to go through her mother. Well, I paid for them. It's under my name. Her daddy didn't want her to have one, but I disagreed. Her contract is up in August. They told me to cancel it. I thought about getting her an IPod Touch. That way she can still text and facetime us, and there is no bill. She doesn't call anyways. Her BM is forcing my hand. I am not a laughing stock. This is all for my SD. But her BM says that I can't resist but to be friends with the BM. That makes me want to do so many things that aren't like me.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingMom30 View Post

 

I have to not be involved with any financial issues! I have tried so hard to not treat my SD any differently than my children. I am not sure how not to be "that stepmom" and treat her like she is different. I love my SD with all of my heart. I hate that her mom has a problem with me when I tell her I can't keep giving all my money to her. She would be fine if I never said I couldn't help her. She never keeps her promises with me, even though they are all things for her daughter. I just don't understand. As far as "back off" I am not all in her business. I am the same way with my nieces and nephews.

 

Thing is... you are also going against what her father wants (for example, the iPhone). Mom feels you are intruding on the way SHE runs her home with you gifts, etc. It's one thing to send little "thinking of you" stuff, but when it gets to bras, facewash, phone, etc.? It's intrusive. I wouldn't appreciate it, either, if my kids' stepmom did stuff like that. If she needs it? Take her shopping when she's with you and Dad. But it is kind of insulting to her Mom that you feel it necessary to send her basic necessities in the mail. Especially when Dad himself apparently can't be bothered to be an involved parent unless she's in front of his face. 

 

I'm not trying to be nasty or hurtful. It's obvious that your intention is good. But I'd really scale it back...

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