Bedtimes have been difficult for us lately. My 27 month old does not want to be away from my side most of the time. We are early risers and I need to go to bed early. She can not fall asleep as early as I do. So we have been struggling for 1 to 2 hours most nights. Last night, going on the second hour, I was so tired and I am sick, I told her she would have to sleep in the little bed if she could not be still (we have a toddler mattress in our room). She seemed to think that was a fun idea because she got down and started playing on that bed.
I was laying there, sad, thinking we might have to stop cosleeping (and hating that idea) when she started playing with the humidifier. Turning it on and off. I asked her to stop. Then I told her to stop. She kept playing with it. I saw my hand dart out and hit her arm away from the knob. She turned and looked at me with such shock in her eyes, and as she started to cry said "You hit me".
I have never done anything I am so sorry for and ashamed of in my life. I hit my sweet child. I immediately hugged her and apologized, but oh my god, how do I move past that. How do I know I won't do it again? I remember my dad's anger as I was growing up and I NEVER want my girl to be scared of me like that.
We are going to try something new tonight. We'll all go up when I am ready to go to bed, read books, nurse, and then she'll get up with Papa and play for a while more. I hope this works. I am going to try to keep my head straight when I am so tired and get up and walk away if I need to. But how do I come t terms with last night. This is not who I am or who I want to be.