At an older daughter's softball game last night, all the toddlers were playing in the dirt in front of the bleachers, with all the moms sitting right there. My toddler is 18 months, and there was a 15 month old toddler. The 15mo tapped my toddler on the head with a plastic spoon, and her mom scooped her up and spanked her on the bottom, and kept calling her a mean girl and saying stuff like, "No one wants to play with a mean girl!" It was awful to me. She was not at all doing anything weird or uncharacteristic for a toddler, nothing hurt my own daughter. If my daughter had done the same to another kid, all I would have done is moved her over a little and said, "Easy!" and that would be that. All I could do in reaction was stammer out something like, "She's just being a normal toddler, it doesn't bother me, haha,..." I was just shocked. I told dh(he is one of the coaches so isn't sitting with us) and his eyes got big. I HATE these situations, and now whenever my daughter dares to touch the younger toddler and I don't immediately spank her and talk horribly to her, I will be seen as the bad mom.
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spanking a toddler for being meanpost #1 of 154/2/13 at 8:00amThread Starterpost #2 of 154/2/13 at 8:32am
I think often there's a lot of pressure to act a certain way in a public setting. Not strict enough and the tongues start wagging about how awful kid is and how you let them run wild, hitting other kids. I watched a friend scold their child in a very appropriate way last summer. No lie, ten minutes later I heard all about how awful this kid was and how the parents let him do whatever. It wasn't like that AT ALL.
Also there's a lot of people who just go right to the extreme. No steps. From fine to warden in two seconds.post #3 of 154/2/13 at 10:51am
You'll be seen as a bad mom to who, that a**hole? Let's ignore the fact that she hit a child while telling not to hit, which is stupid in itself.
I don't spank, we don't hit and if someone doesn't like it or they judge me for THAT, they're likely a sh&%ty parent and I could care less.
[Moderator note: Edited for profanity.]post #4 of 154/2/13 at 11:45amQuote:Originally Posted by Sarah W
You'll be seen as a bad mom to who, that asshole? Let's ignore the fact that she hit a child while telling not to hit, which is stupid in itself.
I don't spank, we don't hit and if someone doesn't like it or they judge me for THAT, they're likely a shitty parent and I could care less.
Amen. The last thing I would worry about is being judged by someone like the mother in the OP's story.
I was raised in an area/culture where hitting children was the norm (paddling students in the school was common) and I am horrified now when I see or hear situations where parents hit their children.post #5 of 154/2/13 at 5:32pmpost #6 of 154/2/13 at 6:16pm
awww. that poor baby. so sad.
having said that however...
... i can relate. i never hit dd for something like that but i have come close to it.
as a single stressed out freaked out mom, under social scrutiny i have acted uncharacteristically myself in public.
its taken me 10 years to get rid of my yelling. dd says i no longer yell. yeah.
what is so sad to see that i see all the time is just how little many parents know of what age appropriate behaviour is for kids. the reason why i have been given the evil eye and criticized for being so leniant. yet in teh right circle i was congratulated.
but omg yes it gets to me when babies and toddlers are punished due to lack of info on the parent's part.
i had to educate myself to know what age appropriate behaviour was. if i did not have access to the info - who knows. i might be like that mom myself.post #7 of 154/3/13 at 2:23pm
Purplerose, may I ask what part of the world do you live in?Quote:
Me too. I came to motherhood knowing very little about what was normal behavior for any particular age.post #8 of 154/3/13 at 4:08pmThread Starter
I am in the Southeast US.
I was a young single mom also with my oldest, and I tended to have the opposite reaction...I wasn't firm enough about anything bc I didn't know what to expect. I am paying for it now. And I do tend to overreact at times, but with the older kids. I'll wait and wait on them to help around the house, telling them I need help from them, and no one will do a thing, and ask almost daily for me to take them places. It adds up and I explode. I guess most of us have our regrets :(post #9 of 154/8/13 at 6:02ampost #10 of 154/8/13 at 8:45amQuote:Originally Posted by purplerose
I am in the Southeast US. Not surprised in the least!
I was a young single mom also with my oldest, and I tended to have the opposite reaction...I wasn't firm enough about anything bc I didn't know what to expect. I am paying for it now. And I do tend to overreact at times, but with the older kids. I'll wait and wait on them to help around the house, telling them I need help from them, and no one will do a thing, and ask almost daily for me to take them places. It adds up and I explode. I guess most of us have our regrets :(
It is certainly possibly to swing too far in either direction on the parenting spectrum. I sympathize with you, and I'm not a single mom. My children are almost 14 y.o. and 18 y.o. I didn't require my kids to contribute more and now I'm wishing I had. But for a couple years I've been trying to institute some chores and order and I am/we are actually making some progress. Dd's room is till a disaster area. I was furious to find last year's lovely, expensive prom dress in a heap on the floor. (Where is your head, girl?? How can you think that's okay?? ) But they're doing their own laundry, cleaning their bathroom, feeding the dog, cleaning the guinea pig cage and doing the dishes. Next step, get them to do all of this without reminder. I'm not above bribery. Only yesterday I instituted a very detailed chore list. At the end of the month if they've kept to it without parents reminding them, they get $20. Frankly I think it's a bargain, but dh convinced me to stick to it for now.
I think it helped when I quit asking them to help, specifically help me. I rephrased it and I'm requiring them to contribute to the over-all smooth running of the house. The word 'lazy' may have been bandied about a couple times. It's also what's fair. They could see how the person who cooked dinner shouldn't have to do the dishes. And I'm trying to point out how they simply feel better when the home isn't chaotic, they can find things and mom isn't resentful.
Seriously, it is not at all impossible to require proud, southern-style Respect from children for adults, without hitting them. It's quite possible to require your kids to call adults ma'am and sir, without spanking them. My older siblings have successfully done so (Well, minus the sir and ma'am bit. We're in California). Their kids are adults now and are disciplined, helpful and respectful, even deferential to their grandfather.post #11 of 154/8/13 at 10:33amThread Starter
We don't teach ma'am and sir, but the kids just naturally picked it up and they do call the elderly ma'am and sir. I HATE to be called ma'am lol
I guess I will have to follow your lead and require them to do housework. My 10 year old last week helped me clean up and get the house ready for company, all on her own, I mean no asking "What should I do?" so I slipped her a $5 and a note thanking her in her laundry basket and told her to take her laundry upstairs. The child ran the sweeper in all the places that needed it, straightened the bathroom, cleaned the toilet (!) and helped with the dishes and her little sister. I do things like this occasionally(gifting them money), and would do it more, but not for a 17 year old doing half the dishes and me having to go behind her and re-wash some, or vaccuum behind her bc she halfway did it. And bob forbid you point anything out, or ask her nicely to please finish, or you are CRITICIZING her and that's why she doesn't do anything in the first place.
Well I ran off on a tangent that is opposite toddlers, which is where this thread was placed! sorry!post #12 of 154/8/13 at 1:56pmQuote:Originally Posted by purplerose
...but not for a 17 year old doing half the dishes and me having to go behind her and re-wash some, or vaccuum behind her bc she halfway did it. And bob forbid you point anything out, or ask her nicely to please finish, or you are CRITICIZING her and that's why she doesn't do anything in the first place.
Oh my word, tell me about it. That's why I made the chore contract so specific -don't just pack the dishwasher, but wipe the crumbs and spills off the counter as well, that sort of thing- and attached a monetary incentive. Contract takes the nagging out. I just silently take note whether things are getting done or not.post #13 of 154/13/13 at 2:53am
Well I guess I'm not surprised that the South is behind in the mainstream views of discipline. Because where I live (central Europe) and many places in the US, spanking is taboo throughout the parenting spectrum and if someone spanked their kid in public they would hear it from the other parents. People do still spank, but it is so socially unacceptable that the ones who do, do it at home.
Honestly, I don't think you should worry about not following the norm and that other parents expect you to hit your child in front of them. If anyone says anything to you, you are allowed to say you don't believe hitting to teach a child not to hit is effective and in fact counterintuitive. If they are so out of touch that they are unaware how "uncool" spanking has become (even if it's still the norm in the south, do they have no access to the internet or books?!), then who cares what they think? Hard as it is to witness, the least you can do is just close yourself off to their judgment and go on your way. Maybe don't sit near that particular mom anymore....good luck! It must be hard raising a child i such an unenlightened culture.
post #14 of 154/17/13 at 5:28amThread Starter
In case anyone is still interested in this thread...at softball last night, my toddler and this toddler from my story were sitting together, playing in the dirt. Mine was playing with her plastic balls, and the other had a shovel in each hand. After the whole time warning her not to be mean, the mom then takes a shovel from her baby out of nowhere and forces it into my daughter's hand, telling her baby to share! Mine didn't even want the shovel. She was playing with her balls.
On a good note, some older boy (probably 5 or 6 yo) found one of my daughter's balls on the ground and he played catch with it and then brought it back to me after the game!(there are four balls so it wasn't missed by her) I was impressed and thanked him for bringing it back when he was done. Someone took our toy dumptruck recently and I have been a raincloud about that LOLpost #15 of 154/17/13 at 9:17am
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