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April 2013 Chit Chat - Page 34

post #661 of 734

How can we help, Becky?

 

Yeah, I'm sorry I don't have a lot of $ or baby clothes to donate right now (all that stuff has already been promised to Fonkoze, the Lambi Fund, and other reputable charities).

But Becky, if you'd like me to do some spiritual work for you and your family (for a happy home, prosperity, etc.), I would be pleased and proud. Assuming you're into that kind of thing, of course.

post #662 of 734

No Sara, Becky knows what it's about and it's not just the carseats, though that is the most pressing issue at this point for her children's safety.

post #663 of 734

Oh ladies, I've been itching to multi-quote a bunch of posts and comment on specifics, but I'm forcing myself not to.  I keep putting off commenting because I've been part of internet drama before and the back and forth of this type of posting is just not healthy for me or a good use of my time.  But as a long time member, prolific poster, and group leader I feel an obligation to the group to say something.  And I feel the need to make it clear that I am not singling any one person out with my words below, but rather commenting in a general fashion.

 

I appreciate that the tone of our group is generally respectful and people take the time to clarify ambiguities, fix misunderstandings, and apologize when feelings are hurt.  I also feel that we successfully find ways to help each other when that help is obviously needed.  We have called each other out, we have voiced real concerns, and we have reached out with resources and information.  These things tell me how much we care for each other.  And, for the most part, we have managed to do these things gently and respectfully.


For me, what this all keeps coming down to is respect and realizing that intelligent criticism without the negative language is much more constructive.  If a situation is so offensive or so dire that immediate action is needed, can't we find a way to do it with respect?  Isn't this what we strive to teach our children?  I know for myself, that I react much better if someone respectfully points out mistakes, oversights, or different perspectives.  I find myself more open to the criticism and open to change if kindness guides the way.  I try to remember how I have felt when criticized in the past before I make criticisms of others.  I try to find a way to gently communicate concern in hopes that it will be better received. And I try not to take personally things that were never meant to attack me personally.  I've come to understand that sometimes letting things go by without comment more effectively ends them than a pointed discussion.  Do I always succeed at all these things?  No, I am far from perfect, but I try.
I would really love it if our group could move forward.  I value you ladies a lot.
  grouphug.gif

post #664 of 734

Jaimee, yes yes yes, so very well spoken. clap.gif thumbsup.gif 

 

I love our group. I would very much miss checking in on the happenings around here with updates on our childrens' milestones and all of the shared knowledge that has enriched mine and others' lives. grouphug.gif

post #665 of 734
Quote:
Originally Posted by jbk21 View Post

No Sara, Becky knows what it's about and it's not just the carseats, though that is the most pressing issue at this point for her children's safety.

I come from a culture where it's estimated that 30-40% of our youth try to take their own lives. Groups of people picking at individuals has very real consequences. I cannot get behind such behavior.
post #666 of 734

Agreed and agreed. Well, ;) with the caveat that I believe we can sometime err too far on the side of being nice. Only sometimes, though. If I post, "Hey, leaving my 8 yo home alone for the weekend! Good times!" I expect someone to call me on that. Same for if post that I plan to try out a harmful parenting practice. There is a give and take in friendship. I think the culture of MDC in general has become overrun with "respecting" others' decisions. With that said, that doesn't mean we can't be respectful with our disagreements.

 

As to the gossip question, I would add that spreading gossip in the guise of compassion is still spreading gossip.

 

I'm willing to help wherever help is needed. We are in a fairly stable situation resource wise, and I am willing to help meet another family's needs.

 

 

Sara, that is *exactly* why I have tried to silence any mention of those threads over here. Exactly. Especially when I think of my vulnerable self at 23. I may have misread, but I don't think that anyone is supporting the existence of the threads. Like I've said, I have nothing to do with that stuff, but I was aware of it. My only aim was to keep them away from Becky as I thought they would be harmful. That's all I knew to do... I can't control the Internet. 

post #667 of 734
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by seraf View Post


I come from a culture where it's estimated that 30-40% of our youth try to take their own lives. Groups of people picking at individuals has very real consequences. I cannot get behind such behavior.

 

 

Yes!  And Becky does also- perhaps not in the same way as you, but she has shared with us that she struggles with being bi-polar.  In no way do I think that she is a delicate flower, but I come from a home with 2 bi-polar parents and I know that perhaps on a not-so-strong day, unkind words even from strangers might have a very huge effect on her. 

 

So Becky, if you see this, I want you to know that we IN THIS GROUP want to help you.  We want to make sure your childrens needs for safety and your need for an outlet and support is met.  We know that you are capable and strong, and that you have every ability to do things on your own-  but these are the things that a community is for. 

post #668 of 734

Agreed... to all of the above posts since mine.  A point can be made, help can be offered with respect so that it can be heard and accepted.  Would good is the offer of help if it comes with shame and is therefore rejected? 

post #669 of 734
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaimee View Post

Agreed... to all of the above posts since mine.  A point can be made, help can be offered with respect so that it can be heard and accepted.  Would good is the offer of help if it comes with shame and is therefore rejected? 

 

 

yeahthat.gif

 

 

 

This group helped me, for sure.  When B was in the hospital, on the WORST day we had, when I was feeling my absolute lowest,  we received toys, a balloon, lots of cards, and a gift card for FOOD (which was our biggest expense at the time).  I feel amazingly blessed to have you guys in my life!  My husband was blown away, and had no idea we really offered so much support to one another.  But we DO.  And if a hand seriously needs to be offered I dont think a single person here would hesitate to help if they had the ability to do so.

post #670 of 734

I'm here to be sure her kids get the things they need to be safe.  I think we can all agree on that.

post #671 of 734

This group helped me, for sure. When B was in the hospital, on the WORST day we had, when I was feeling my absolute lowest, we received toys, a balloon, lots of cards, and a gift card for FOOD (which was our biggest expense at the time). I feel amazingly blessed to have you guys in my life!

 

I remember that! I'm glad you felt so much better when you received those things.

post #672 of 734
I'm glad to see a lot of the anger has died away today. Jaimee, I love your post and can totally get behind it. I don't think it was necessary or a good idea to bring the other board to Becky's attention. Becky, I'm sure you feel like you had the right to know, and to an extent you're right about that. None of it was constructive though and the fact that you don't know the women over there like you do here means you are unlikely to open yourself up to their advice and wisdom. Let's just try to keep it here, between us. Obviously, other people can read here and always have the ability to gossip no matter what we do. I have been a member over there for almost 4 years now and have made some great friends there, but I don't feel like these two groups would mix very well, so I try to just stay out of the drama. It can get a little cut throat over there and I try my best to steer clear of threads like that. I agree with Amanda though, that sometimes we can go a little too far in the other direction of playing nicey-nice. I guess you would call that our board culture, whereas over there it's a little more snark. It's not for everyone just lik MDC isn't for everyone.

I feel bad that people got their feelings hurt over some of this. I feel a sense of loyalty to you ladies, but also to my friends over there. So, call me Switzerland too I guess. There are lessons to be learned here though about Internet privacy or lack thereof. It's an eye-opener when you learn how open the Internet really is.

AFM- Greta is finally starting to talk!! Just in the last week she is picking up more and more words and I just love it! Maybe the constant screaming will stop soon, right?
post #673 of 734

Greta is finally starting to talk!! Just in the last week she is picking up more and more words and I just love it!

 

That's great! A has recently started saying "cat" (all furry animals are "cat"), "key" (which can mean either a computer keyboard or Mama's keyring), "gate", "up" and some food-related words like "hot" and "puffs". She also sat in my lap with a book yesterday and I *think* she said "happy"... <3

She still points and whines for a lot of the things she wants, though. But that's probably easier to live with than constant screaming!

post #674 of 734

I didn't ever NOT want to accept help. I HATE asking for it. It's not part of me. I really didn't *think* that Casey being in a booster was a bad thing(why am I defending myself). We don't need clothes (is this assumed because they wear very little half the time?), we don't need groceries, and I'm going to the fire department tomorrow (weather permitting) to ask about carseats. I'm not a handout person, and I hate being thought of as a charity case just because people(the trolls) feel like making themselves feel better by putting someone else down. It's just ......bawling.gif Seriously.

post #675 of 734

Maybe I'm just coming from a different perspective (as we all are, really), but I've never thought of our DDC community's interaction as overly nice. It has seemed like a normal level of respectful interaction and occasional heightened emotion and dissension as would be typical between friends in real life. I've followed every thread in our immediate DDC (over the 2 years I've been here at least), and I have not seen anything HERE that would warrant serious intervention by anyone (like calling CPS, that type of thing). When someone has been battling mental illness, we've supported them and also been blunt with them to seek treatment. That's as far as anyone can go, and really that's as far as I personally feel we should be going unless we read something that is outright dangerous, life-threatening, necessary for police intervention, etc. It gets to the point where a person has to help themselves and others have voiced their opinion to them already, so again I personally see no reason to overstep certain boundaries in most situations. I'm speaking just within this DDC board, though. I have very little knowledge of what anyone has divulged outside of it that may have sounded highly concerning or life-threatening.

 

I'd just prefer to keep these multiple boards separate because I have been thoroughly confused over the topics these past few days! lol.gif

post #676 of 734
Quote:
Originally Posted by Becky Wheeler View Post

I didn't ever NOT want to accept help. I HATE asking for it. It's not part of me. I really didn't *think* that Casey being in a booster was a bad thing(why am I defending myself). We don't need clothes (is this assumed because they wear very little half the time?), we don't need groceries, and I'm going to the fire department tomorrow (weather permitting) to ask about carseats. I'm not a handout person, and I hate being thought of as a charity case just because people(the trolls) feel like making themselves feel better by putting someone else down. It's just ......bawling.gif Seriously.

 

It's not about putting you down.  Asking for help is very, very difficult.  I can appreciate that.  People are concerned about your kids' safety because of photos you posted.  You may not have known it was wrong then, but you do now so I'm glad to see you are fixing it.  

post #677 of 734

Joanie, I have to agree... I've always felt the level of support offered here was appropriate.  People did intervene and post directly and repeatedly when things were more concerning, which has happened a few times. 

 

Frankly, having a 3 year old in a booster seat doesn't fall into that category in my opinion.  My 30+ pound 3.5 year old is in a belt positioning booster seat so he is properly restrained according to manufacturer instructions and the AAP.  As far as I am aware, while a 5 point harness convertible car seat is considered the safest option for a preschooler, it is not wrong to have a 3 year old in a belt positioning booster seat if she meets the weight and height requirements. 

post #678 of 734

I don't want to post the photo here, but the pic of her children in their carseats is extremely concerning.  The 3 year old has no shoulder strap whatsoever, and the baby has only one shoulder strap with the chest buckle down by his bellybutton.

post #679 of 734

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post #680 of 734

Becky, I have heard your online excuses for all of this for a long time.  Call the FD.  Figure out the carseats.  

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