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Feeling d.o.w.n.

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

I am feeling super down today.  Here's why.  Since I have been pregnant 4 close girlfriends have also gotten pregnant.  We are all 30+.  All 4 of their pregnancies have ended in miscarry between 7 and 12 weeks.  Yes, all of them!  What are the odds!?  I feel like some hex has been cast upon me such that my friends and I can't share our pregnancies together.  I feel like I am bad luck.

 

I think the statistic is 1 in 5 pregnancies will end in miscarry.  In our case only 1 in 5 pregnancies is sticking!

 

While I feel terrible for all of them, their losses truly and absolutely make me realize just how fortunate we are.  This is our first pregnancy ever and so far so good ...

 

grouphug.gif

post #2 of 7

Wow, how tough for all of you. It must be difficult for them--especially if you got pregnant around the same time--to see you growing bigger and carrying a healthy baby to term. And how sad for you to not have pregnant buddies and future play dates! I think the hardest thing about being the fact that none of my friends have gotten pregnant yet is that I want mommy friends, but I don't want to try to force a friendship with someone JUST because we happen to have kids around  the same age. So it works out really well when your actual friends happen to get pregnant around the time you do. But sad all around when it ends in miscarriage :(

post #3 of 7

Hugs Spotty! Hopefully they will see you glowing and be inspired to try again, especially when they meet your LO. 

 

Not to turn the thread to myself, but I have been feeling super down as well for something similar.  A (not close) friend of mine just gave birth to a 41wk stillborn.  Baby was active and healthy up until 2 days before they (I believe) induced labor to get her out of the womb.  I have been on the verge of tears for the past week and a half thinking about her and her loss.  She is having a ceremony for the baby in a few weeks and I don't feel like I can go being 7+months pregnant!  I fear it would break her heart.  And it would probably be unsettling for me as I am so focused on the life inside me. 

 

How do we nurture the hearts of those that have recently lost what we are still growing?  It really does make you cherish every moment you have with those you love (especially the loved one we are growing right now!).

 

I agree with you, Kitteh, it would be nice to have friends who are about to be mommies right now!!  I am the first of my friends to embark on motherhood.  I have a few friends who had kids before I knew them (one of my best friends has an almost 17yr old), but that seems different somehow.  I haven't been friends with anyone through their pregnancy and seen them go through all the things I am going through.  I have made a few other mommy-to-be friends during this pregnancy, but it's not really the same.  It's been a little lonely sometimes, but a chance for new beginnings.

 

Sending you and your friends many blessings, Spotty!

post #4 of 7

That sounds really hard for you all, hugs to you.

 

 During my last pregnancy my sister lost her 8 weeks old girl. It was so hard for all of us. I was so afraid to give birth, afraid to be happy, afraid to be holding my baby while my sister mourned, afraid to nurse my baby while my sister was dealing with mastitis. I was probably 34 or 36 weeks along.

 

One thing  my  midwife told me was that even when my sister was going through this terrible moment she would never wish to switch places with me. And I knew in my heart that was so true. Now when I see my sister, we share something special. I know she sees in my little one her little girl as well. You might not be able to share play dates or talks about your babies growing up. But you will have this special bond, you will remember their little babies always while many people will forget them, just because they were not born. 

 

I hope you find peace and happiness within.

 

best

post #5 of 7
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cuau View Post

One thing  my  midwife told me was that even when my sister was going through this terrible moment she would never wish to switch places with me. And I knew in my heart that was so true. Now when I see my sister, we share something special. I know she sees in my little one her little girl as well. You might not be able to share play dates or talks about your babies growing up. But you will have this special bond, you will remember their little babies always while many people will forget them, just because they were not born. 

 

Thank you!  That really resonates and is so true.  Each of their miscarriages is personal to me.  Had I not been pregnant I could not have properly identified with their loss.

 

Rae Rae, omg ... the still born.  How gut-wrenching.  Of course, Cuau, losing a baby at 8 weeks is equally terrible, if not more so.  I can't even imagine.  I realize my girlfriends were fortunate to have lost their pregnancies so early.  Healing and moving forward is a lot easier to manage.  I just can't believe the odds that all 4 of them miscarried by 12 weeks or less.  While still no guarantee, I wish all future pregnant girlfriends to tell me they are pregnant after 12 weeks! orngtongue.gif

post #6 of 7

Part of me feels incredibly selfish for taking other mamas' losses personally, like I'm making it all about myself (which is something I tend to do, like for example when DH is upset then I get upset because I'm kinda like a sponge when pregnant--and sometimes even when I'm not--and I sort of absorb his emotions. Which is not fair, because I need to let him feel/experience his own emotions instead of making it about ME. If that makes sense) But on the other hand maybe it's just a natural reaction of increased empathy because as a pregnant woman I feel like it hits closer to home when people around me suffer losses? I dunno. Not sure if I'm making sense.

 

But I'm kind of a lurker at the May and July DDCs (May because we initially thought my period this cycle was implantation bleeding and I would have been due mid-late May, and July because I went over 41 weeks with DD, so I could possibly have a July baby) Anyhow, one of the mamas in the July DDC posted yesterday evening about how she had been ill over the past two days and just realized that she hadn't felt her little boy moving in that time frame. Her midwife came to check on her, couldn't find a heartbeat, and they went into the hospital. Turns out they lost their son at 26 weeks. I don't know this woman, and honestly I've been lurking in the May group more than the July group, so I don't even "internet know" her, but I'm absolutely gutted about her loss. She has another little one around the age of my DD and I just can't imagine having to try to explain to a toddler that the baby isn't coming any more. guilty.gif

post #7 of 7

I feel like one of the most life altering things about becoming pregnant and having kids is the realization of how fragile life really is.  Here is this little being that you love more than life itself and you have, really, a very limited ability to control what happens to them.  It's hard and wonderful at the same time.  And it really does allow a person to be more empathetic to loss and to hardship, because now you really know what that loss means. 

 

Before I had DS, things I saw in the news would upset me, but now I feel that those stories are absolutely heart wrenching.  Before I had DS, my step cousin's baby passed away at 8 months old, and going to that funeral was really hard.  But I'm not sure that I could even stomach it now.  The week I found out I was pregnant, my husband's niece and nephew lost their baby at 13 weeks.  They were able to get pregnant again soon after, but at 36 weeks she felt reduced fetal movement, so went in to get checked out.  They found that the baby was close to death and did an emergency section to save the baby...but she has brain damage due to oxygen deprivation.  A good friend of mine had four miscarriages (that I *know* of) while trying for her second child...and since I have become pregnant, she has been able to carry her baby so far to almost 20 weeks.  Her SIL used IVF to get pregnant and they found out that they are having triplets; one set of twins and a singlet...but one of the twins is overtaking the other, so they told her that that one will likely pass away.  When they checked on her again, they noticed that the larger twin is missing it's entire urinary tract and some organs.  They made the choice to try to "eliminate" the twins while hoping that the singlet baby survives.  Another friend of mine, I met while trudging through my DS's food issues, she had met a lot of local GI doctors that are supportive of breast feeding and a more traditional diet...because her son has mitochondrial disease and won't likely survive to his teens.  He is literally wasting away in front of her eyes. 

 

There are a lot of things that can go wrong in life.  There is more that can go right though.  Something I know from speaking with my friends, is like Cuau said - they would never want to switch places with you.  Your child will likely hold a special place in their hearts.  And that we should enjoy the relative ease that we have dealing with typical problems, and not take health for granted.

 

Yeah, this is a tough subject for sure.  Try to be there for your friends, but also be happy for what you have - they want you to enjoy it.

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