I have a 4 day old newborn; I'm fully capable of working out bf-ing; I nursed my other children for 1 1/2 and 2 years each and worked through all the typical challenges that come with it. But I feel so ashamed and embarassed to say that I really don't want to nurse my new baby. My only reason (though important reason) for doing it is for the health benefits. I otherwise hate the feeling of a baby hanging on me and only wanting me for food and I just hate that I feel that way. I have 2 older kids that I really struggle to take care of; they're very high needs and need constant within-arms-reach supervision as they are very self-destructive, and I feel that during nursing sessions, I either neglect the older kids putting them in harms way, or I am neglecting the baby by not giving her full, peaceful attention and feeling inconvenienced to have to stop everything and sit for a half hour.
on top of it, I don't know if she's not latching well (from what I can see it looks ok) but she goes through phases of wanting to feed constantly but once the nipple's in she just sits there and won't suck, or will pull off in frustration, and I'm now bleeding on both sides. I know there's a whole process I could go through to fix it all, but I feel like I don't have it in me and I really want to give up and give her a bottle. But I feel bad that giving a bottle of formula is something I view as giving up, when it's still a perfectly acceptable way to nourish a baby. I feel like switching to formula would be failing myself and my newborn, but I feel like continuing nursing will make me a bad mom, in my situation.
I'm not sure what kind of response I hope to get. I just don't know who to vent to about it.