So, here's a question for all you mamas, especially the few who ended up with c-sections or births that did not go as planned in other ways. Does anybody struggle with guilt about the way their birth went?
I planned a hypnobabies natural birth. However, from the beginning we had so many things stacked against us. I was super sick the day I went into labor (sick enough I didn't want to go into the hospital because I just felt crummy and wanted to lay on the couch and forget about it all!). My little girl had been malpositioned through the whole pregnancy, which caused a very very long and stressful labor with lots of complications for us both (super high fevers for me, distress for her from the strength of my contractions and my fevers, etc etc etc) and ended with a baby not descending and a cervix that was swelling closed again. After trying different positioning things to see if the swelling would go down, without having any effect, my OB finally said that he was OK letting me to continue to labor for several more hours but very concerned that my body would not be able to handle the stress of a c-section after several more hours of labor at that intensity (it had already been about 30 hours since my water broke at that point). We ended up calling it an hour later after my cervix was continuing to swell, and had a c-section.
In general, for a bad experience, things went as well as they could have. Every healthcare professional I came in contact with was absolutely amazing. My OB knew from the beginning how much I wanted to avoid a c-section, because we knew that healing would be much harder for me because of my constant cough, and he, the other doctor who was on call, and all of the nurses worked REALLY hard to try to avoid CS, including letting me labor well past the normal 24 hours post water breaking even though I HAD developed an infection. And my sweet little girl was calm, alert, and peaceful after her birth, said my husband.
But as I was thinking and journaling about the experience today, I realized that I have a lot of guilt about how things went, feeling like I should have been able to stop it and do something more to make the outcome better. Like it was "my fault" somehow that things turned out the way they did - my fault because I went with an OB and not a midwife, my fault because maybe I could have done more positioning stuff to help my baby rotate properly, etc. etc. etc. Rationally, I know this is silly... my pregnancy was very high-risk and I really felt led toward choosing the team of care providers that I chose. They were awesome, and like I said, very supportive of my desires and really worked very hard to try to avoid a c-section. And goodness knows, I did EVERY positioning thing I had ever heard of...months of spinning babies stuff, hours and hours of miles circuit stuff at the end when I was trying to kick my prodromal labor into real labor, lots of walking up the stairs, sitting leaning forward, etc. Rationally, I know that there really wasn't anything I can do. But I can tell it is definitely going to take some work to let go of the guilt I didn't even realize I had!
Anyway, it made me wonder - does anyone else feel guilt about the way things went, or didn't go, with your birth?