I'm nearly 40. :-) My parents separated when I was 5, divorced when I was 9 or 10. My dad was abusive towards my mom and towards me. I remember my mom being pretty nasty towards my dad in her own way, too, and not playing by the rules of the divorce Let's just say neither of my parents is a saint.
Mom remarried what I thought was a really nice guy. I don't know what went wrong but now she talks bad about him, too. My half-siblings are very bothered by this and stuck in the middle of that divorce. She is now married for a third time.
So dad loved me but had an awful temper and it left scars in my heart. However as an adult dad and I mended our relationship and the last twelve years have been so wonderful. He was sorry for what he did, he made up for it and he was a good grandfather. He passed away suddenly a few months ago at the age of 59. I was his only living child and dad's side of the family is pretty small.
My mom and I have had a very rocky relationship. After 10 years of not talking, we went to counseling and healed things enough to have a relationship. However she still has a lot of issues.
When dad died she asked me over and over how were my grandparents, aunt, uncle, etc handling it. She asked about his current wife of many years. I told her and I also expressed my stress that I was feeling about the funeral planning, watching him be on life support for 3 days, and my grief. If she had not asked, I would not have shared this with her because my parents hated each other and I always felt stuck in the middle.
My mom is still very bitter towards my dad and their marriage together and has never let a moment go when she can describe her feelings towards dad to me. When he passed away she posted on her facebook page (which she knows I read) that the world is a safer place because my dad is dead. She also referred to him as a "monster." I told her so many times it hurts me to hear her talk like that. She then blew up at me and told me she never wanted me to talk about dad's side of the family ever again. Okay then. Then, a few days later I got a text from her reminding me it was dad's birthday.
I told my mom I need a break and asked her to schedule a counseling session so we can talk about this. I am at the point where I feel like cutting her off again for awhile. I don't need this right now. I am grieving, I work full time as a peds nurse with very sick and dying children, I am a mom to my own two kids and have a marriage to maintain. Just don't need this drama, don't feel like handling it right now. It would be so easy to just cut her off again and be passive aggressive. I know that's not the right thing to do because until all this happened the relationship was workable and like I said, she was a good grandma to the kids.
Here I am almost 40 years old and still dealing with this stuff. So sick of it.