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Friendly Daydream Thread- Expectations

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
I thought I'd start this thread so that those who would like to discuss our hopes and expectations for our babies to be in a casual, supportive way might have a place to do so. I started a separate thread hoping to create a place for the discussion of more weighty, philosophical ideas related to the topic of gender and other expectations we may have for our children, etc.

I hope that in this thread we can talk about our thoughts and dreams in a more friendly way, without fearing that we will be judged academically for expressing our feelings.

I'll start by saying that I've fluctuated between wanting a girl and wanting a boy this time. I fully expect and plan for this to be my last pregnancy, and my first two kids (both girls) were a long time ago- they're 17 and almost 15! I have a toddler son whom I adore beyond all reason, and I've alternated between hoping he will have a little brother and hoping I will have another little girl. Some of the things that sway me are really silly- like the cuteness of baby girl clothes (but don't even get me started about pink- I hate pink, lol) and the name I'm liking at the moment.

Now if the materniT21 test is right, it looks like we are having a boy, and I am thrilled with that. But I did have a sense of mourning when I realized the little girl I'd been dreaming of will never be. I think I would have felt the same mix of feelings if the results had said girl. Not that he or she would have been the person my imagination dreamed up- but my excitement lies more in the discovery of who this little person will be, anyway.

Sorry to ramble! Anyone else thinking about this stuff and want to share?
post #2 of 23
Thanks for starting this thread, Jennyanydots. I will copy over what I had in the other one:

In any case, [Serafina], I completely understand your feelings about having a daughter. My first is a girl, and I cannot express how delightful I find her. I look back now, and it seems impossible to me that I was ever disappointed that she was a girl (I had a strong boy feeling, boy dreams and could not get the idea that I should have a boy first out of my head -- I grew up with a big brother and that's the order I expected for my kids). But my DD is an amazing little human being -- bright and funny and sooo opinionated! I love her in a way that alarms me with its intensity. She takes up so much of my heart, and I deeply hope she and I will be really close, good friends for the rest of my life.
In fact, this time around, I was disappointed that this baby is a boy! I was sure it was a girl, and have really had to wrap my mind around it. I had all these fantasies of my two girls playing together and being such sweet sisters to one another, and now it's going to be a very different experience.
That doesn't mean I don't look forward to his arrival, and to getting to know my son (!! That word seems fraught with meaning !!), but it's not what I had pictured. I am certain it will be beautiful, just different.
post #3 of 23
Also: I love girly pink and purple clothes, solely because my DD loves them and they make her happy.
Were it up to me, I'd dress her in peach and brown and dusty blue because she glows in those colors. Ah, well. Its my lesson in respecting who she is, not who I want her to be!
post #4 of 23

Thanks Jennyanydots for starting this thread, nice to have a friendly place to daydream:)

 

I did post a few minutes ago on the previous thread and wanted to reiterate it here... Serafina33 I think it's awesome that you have such a great relationship with your mom and hope that you get to experience that one day with a daughter of your own:) I too am close with my mom and would love to have that special relationship some day if I have a girl.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cmu204 View Post
Also: I love girly pink and purple clothes, solely because my DD loves them and they make her happy.
Were it up to me, I'd dress her in peach and brown and dusty blue because she glows in those colors. Ah, well. Its my lesson in respecting who she is, not who I want her to be!

It's so nice to see someone actually say that they love girly pink and purple clothes (even if it's only because your DD loves them:) These colors sure do seem to get discriminated against. I'm not anti-pink or anti-blue. I love all colors. When I was a little girl, my bedroom was pink, I had a pink canopy bed and I loved it. My older sister had a baby blue room. Whenever we were given similar presents, mine would be pink and hers would be blue. Don't know what made our parents decide to designate these colors for us, but it didn't really bother either of us (I think we turned out OK, twitch, twitch - hee hee). 

post #5 of 23
Thanks for starting this thread Jenny. I had a preference for another girl pretty much the second I had my dd (she's almost 2). I know I would have needed an adjustment period if this baby was a boy, and I don't see anything wrong with admitting that. I know I would love a son and wouldn't be able to imagine it any different. This babe is a girl according to 2 little ultrasounds, I have the anatomy scan may 2nd. I am thrilled. Like I said in the other thread I have 2 sisters who I truly consider to be my best friends. Growing up in the teenage years was rough. Hormones are a b***h. Literally. Haha.

I personally LOVE girly clothes of all colors. Pink, purple, blue, green, yellow etc. I do tend to dress my daughter in obvious girl clothes but if/when she starts showing a preference I will let her be herself. Without any prompting from me or my dh she is obsessed with baby dolls, purses, shoes, and make up (she does watch me do my make up, I'm sure that's where this one came from..). But she also plays in the dirt and rocks, loves lovingly antagonizing our pitbull and Rottweiler, play reading her books, and will color for an hour or more at a time. I

All this being said, if we decide to try for a third I think I would need a moment to grieve and let go of the idea of a third daughter if we have a son, and vice versa if we have a son.
post #6 of 23

i'm happy to move over to a fresh thread.


One thing that shocked me about having little boys is that although I was raised with just my mother and I in the home, and my experience with testosterone was practically nil, and I had hoped my whole life for a daughter of my own one day.....   Once I had boys, my mothering instincts just took hold as soon as I had my baby boys in my arms.   It felt like the most natural thing in the world that my offsprings would be little guys and not gals, and I instantly upon meeting them would never have wanted them to be different in any way whatsoever.  In fact, after having boys, I then looked at little girl baby nurslings and thought, "How odd it would be to have a female baby nursling....!"  my own experience for years was that of nursing little man cubs, and somehow I got so in the groove of little boys that even the concept of a little baby girl just seemed so out there and alien. Talk about a paradigm shift!  And my little guys are everything I ever wanted from children, I just can't say enough how every step in maturity makes me more and more thrilled to be their mama and see who they are developing into.

 

However, my best friend is my mama, and we speak everyday, and i know I will be lost beyond words when she is gone one day.  When I think about how special our relationship is, it reminds me that I want a daughter of my own, to try do as great of a job raising a lady to be self-confident, aware, happy and strong, the way my mom raised me to be.  While of course I'll be focused on making sure my sons are also self-assured and secure, I think arming a young lady to face the world strong and secure, as adulthood encroaches, is a bit of a special artform.  There is so much garbage aimed at making girls/women hate their bodies and wrap up so much of their self-worth in their looks, and so much pressure on teenage girls and young women to equate their sexual openness on others' timeframe with being self-empowered.....  that I would just want the chance to help an adolescent daughter of my own navigate the minefield of issues surrounding womanhood, the way my mom did so phenomenally.  It's a legacy i want to pass along!  Hopefully future granddaughters also will benefit!  Some family cycles are worth perpetuating.  :)

 

If this baby turns out to be a boy, I know from experience that I will adore him just as much as any daughter I would have had, and it will be special because it will be my partner's first son, and I know how close he is with his dad as an adult, and how, much for the same reasons, he would be thrilled to have a son someday.  We plan to have more than this one child, so I hope that we get a son and a daughter.  But of course no loving mother ever looks back in retrospect and doesn't think her kids are perfect exactly as they were born!

There's always adoption, if I end up birthing 5 boys and no girls, and I really want to have a daughter!  I actually think I might want to adopt a child regardless, but I haven't even discussed this yet with my partner, so I have no idea if it's in the cards for us.

post #7 of 23
I have a strong feeling this bean is a girl and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I could be wrong and it could end up being a boy but I also feel strangely about that prospect as well. It's a bit upsetting that my feelings are swinging both ways, in the end I think I'll end up mourning the loss of either sex.

I guess since I have 2 little girls already and they are so amazing I just don't feel connected to the idea of having a boy, a third girl sounds just perfect. But then I find myself thinking the exact opposite, wondering what it would be like to have a boy.

I guess that means ill be happy and sad either way no way around it. orngtongue.gif
post #8 of 23
I'm getting used to the fact that the precious baby growing inside of me is a boy. I have a wonderful daughter and my husband and I both were hoping for another girl so I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed when I found out it was a boy. I feel bad for being disappointed because I know 2 people who are struggling with infertility right now and would love a baby no matter the gender. I'm very thankful for this baby and I know he will be amazing and I will adore him. I think what bothers me the most is that I'm almost sure that this will be my last pregnancy because I have so much anxiety and pregnancy makes it worse. We know we want to adopt so I have the option of adopting a baby girl and using the sweet girl name I have picked out and I can use the precious baby girl clothes again too. So much adjusting that I didn't realize I would have to go through.

I do get jealous when someone announces that they are having a girl and seeing all of the baby girl clothes in the stores is hard on me.
post #9 of 23
I swing back and forth for what I hope this baby will be, boy or girl. If it's a boy, then it will be MUCH easier to convince DH that we should have one more child after this one (I want three, he thinks two is enough!). Plus, I have a son already and am comfortable with raising a son - I kind of know what to expect, at least as far as one can 'expect' anything from child to child smile.gif But I would also love to have a daughter, and even if that meant no more kids after this one, that would be great too. Having a daughter is an 'unknown' so it would be a bit scary, but I am in love with the idea. So who knows - I guess I'll be both happy and a bit disappointed no matter what this babe turns out to be smile.gif

As to girls' clothes, I adore girls' baby clothes. Even though I admittedly loathe the colour pink, I just find so many more options in the girls' clothes section than the boys'. Boys' clothes tend to be drab and dark colours. And boys' shoes are even worse!
post #10 of 23

The thing I really dislike about girls' clothes (aside from the pink) is that the shirts that have something written on them.

 

Girls' clothes, I find, really tend to focus on how she looks. ex: Pretty as a Princess, Cute as a Button

 

Boys' clothes tend to focus on the personality of the boy. ex: Captain Awesome, Here Comes Trouble

 

I don't want my DD to grow up thinking that the most valuable thing she has is her looks. I'd rather her place her mind and personality as a higher priority than her appearance.

post #11 of 23
Devilish- I actually refuse to put my dd in any shirts with writing like that on them. I put her in a lot of plain t shirts and tanks from old navy. It can be hard to build an entire wardrobe without sayings on shirts, but I've managed to do it and her wardrobe is full of color. And very obviously a girls closet. You just have to find that middle ground.
post #12 of 23

Oh goodness, I would never put such lame slogans on my kid.  I can't think of any words that have ever been on any of my kids' clothes when they were babies but it's been ages, I can't remember.

I have seen some funny slogans for baby's onesies, like, "If I don't sleep, nobody sleeps"  or some witty variation on the theme of being happily breastfed.  But, I never felt inspired to buy one.  I guess I like baby clothes to be 'quiet.'  I love infant clothes in ivory/cream/beige....meaning, cotton/silk/wool/cashmere in un-dyed, natural tones.  As for toddlers, I love a wide variety of colors put together in outfits in colorways that remind me of nature themes (sunset, midnight sky, sky/forest, autumn leaves, sunshine yellow & sky blue).  And whimsical hats and comfy cut clothes that allow for maximum toddling and snuggling without the clothes getting tangled up.

 

I'm so anxious to start buying cloth diapers and wool/cashmere clothes as covers, but I would love to know the gender first.  However, thinking it would be such a better investment if they were used for more than one baby, then perhaps I ought to steer clear of anything that isn't gender neutral for economy's sake.  Plus I don't like the color 'baby pink' anyways.  Or baby blue for that matter, only because they *scream* a particular gender, and I think other pastels are so much nicer because they aren't laden with labels.

post #13 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serafina33 View Post
 I love a wide variety of colors put together in outfits in colorways that remind me of nature themes (sunset, midnight sky, sky/forest, autumn leaves, sunshine yellow & sky blue). 

 

THIS!  Just having nice colors, pleasing to the eye and a variety found in our already beautiful outdoors....can I sound more hippie-ish?!

 

Gracious, I am SO glad to see others dislike slogans on babies shirts!  I agree that both gender seems to have egregious slogans, but shopping for girls clothes without them is SO MUCH EASIER than boys clothes, at least in the under-12 month set.  Girls still have little dresses and onesies with mice on them and whathaveyou, but it's been super difficult to find boys ones without trucks on them (what, girls can't like trucks?!) and no slogans.  I did a non-empirical study at Target the other day, and at least at the Target in Daytona Beach, fully 80% of the infant floor was dedicated to girls' clothes.  Of the 20% that remained for boys, 1/2 of that was for boys older than 12 months.  I managed to leave with a few cute rompers, but jeez, shopping for infant boys is rough.  I did break my own rule and bought a "vintage" Star Wars t-shirt because my DH would love it, however, so don't burn me at the stake!  :)

 

I've been a little embarrassed of myself in examining my parenting differences between boys and girls....most of my thoughts right now center on NOT being able to reuse my girl's clothes and the sadness that comes with letting go of that.  Before, when my older DD outgrew something, I could just say, well, younger DD can wear it soon!  Now, when something is outgrown...it's done.  That finality is a little disappointing, and something I've not yet really dealt with as a parent. 

 

My other big hang up centers on my ability to parent a son after becoming semi-skilled at girls.  My dad and I were not close at all until I was an adult.  He was around, and I was raised in a two-parent house, but my dad wasn't really emotionally available.  It's really colored my relationships with men until I acknowledged it.  Up until quite recently, (I'm 27, so this is embarrassing to admit too!) my view was that if men showed tender emotion, it was to manipulate.  Thus, in high school dating situations, I was a real ballbuster, and if someone showed me tenderness, I didn't respect that.  My husband has been very patient as I go through my delayed epiphany and I hope that having a son this go-round allows me to confront these feelings further...seeing my own son (a male!) show tenderness should help me get that through my thick skull.

 

As an aside, thanks for starting a support thread.  I would NOT have felt comfortable admitting this stuff about my dad and whathaveyou with a more judgmental atmosphere.

post #14 of 23
My favorite onesie slogan? "Tax deduction." wink1.gif

Generally, I try to keep the clothes slogan-free. I think DD had maybe two or three slogan-ed shirts besides the aforementioned -- things like "My Aunt Rocks" and "Me + Mama = Love." Only one I recall with an possibly objectionable statement was "Whoo's The Cutest?" though I assume there was a boy version with more reserved colors (this one happened to be orange with a pink sparkly owl).

Still, I try to keep an eye out for that sort of thing. It will be weird now,
shopping for a boy -- the sayings will be different, sure, but I bet some will still be problematic.

Aidenn, that is a challenging thing to admit. My dad and I definitely related more as I got older, so I kinda feel your pain there.
post #15 of 23
Thread Starter 
I can't stand the wordy junk on tshirts and onesies, either, and I haven't had too much trouble avoiding it. Carter's is really bad for that with baby stuff, though they do make some cute things. I am a resale junkie, and I have been surprised at just how many cute boy clothes there really are.

I've been hoping the materniT21 results are correct and this baby is another boy- anxious for confirmation at our 20 week us. I love the idea of DS having a little brother to grow and bond with. Sure, he could have that with a little sister, too...
Edited by Jennyanydots - 4/23/13 at 1:06am
post #16 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmu204 View Post

My favorite onesie slogan? "Tax deduction." wink1.gif

Need. This.

 

Love it!

post #17 of 23

oh man, i really despise those slogan shirts for boys AND girls. they make me shudder, in part because the messaging is so gendered and demeaning to all human beings, and in part because the fonts they choose are so hideous. target has some onesies that say "I'm the favorite" - for some reason, I think it would be hilarious to buy two and make them wear them at the same time. But the colors and the font are hideous, so we will skip them.

(edited to add: the day after i wrote this, i received two of those "im the favorite" onesies in the mail from a relative. hideous font and all. thanks, universe) 

 

we did buy a pair of "I love my Big Bro" shirts for the twins, mostly for the amusement of our teenage son who is not especially excited about babies. here's a photo of the big brother posing with them. does he look like he's smiling? it's bc my DW said "Say 'I don't care about babies!'" instead of "Say Cheese!" 

 

 

 

as far as hopes and dreams for the babies go, we have been talking about these babies for 4+ years so i feel like i have emotionally exhausted myself with the possibilities of "what if's" about them - what if they love math? what if they love soccer? what if they drop out of school? as a big nerd and book person, i feel like it would be challenging for me to have a kid who hated books/school/learning, or a kid who was a big jock (not to conflate the two, just as two examples of things that would challenge me). our older child is a real intellectual, and i take great pleasure from our long conversations about history, socioeconomic systems and science. but when i think about close people in my life who have not been into books, or people who were really into sports, i think about how that those relationships brought different elements into my life.... so i could make my peace with my jock son or C student, even though it would not be my instinctive reaction. 

 

i do hope my children are healthy, clever and happy. i couldn't wish for any less than that. i hope they are funny and fit into our weird lives. i'm sure they will find their own ways to do that. 


Edited by mrsandmrs - 4/23/13 at 7:30pm
post #18 of 23

i may have mentioned this in the old thread, i always thought i'd want a girl one day and at the beginning of my pregnancy, the feeling continued. 

however, it has shifted towards boy at some point - i don't even know why, but suddenly i had this feeling that it might be a boy. we don't even have any good boy names picked out yet! i also don't have any boy-specific baby or toddler fantasies. but i can't wait till we have our ultrasound mid-may! 

 

re the clothes discussion above, oh man, i haven't started looking at baby things yet, i wasn't aware they are so different for boys vs. girls. i'm imagining buying onesies with animals on them, i see a lot of giraffes before my mental eye.. but other than that i guess i will be in for a surprise once we go shopping for baby!

post #19 of 23

I have broken my cherry and bought my first baby items on etsy.  Mostly 9 irresistable cloth diapers (One-size pocket/inserts that I can prestuff to work as an AIO for Daddy diaper changes and for the diaper bag & to convert others into cloth based on the cuteness factor) that I couldn't resist because I worried that I'd never find the same print again and I just *loved* the unusual (AND GENDER NEUTRAL) print (that I hadn't seen anywhere else).  10 plain newborn fitteds, as well.   And some merino onesies/merino shirt + royal purple colored cashmere overalls that will be lanolized and used as a diaper cover/clothes.   I think I'll round out the newborn stash with pre-fitteds, there's a mama on etsy who converts prefolds into snapping fitted diapers with elastic to contain everything, for 4.95 per diaper.  Resale value is at LEAST 4 dollars per diaper on diaperswappers, so that's a good deal, so I'll order maybe 2 dozen of those + some upcycled cashmere soakers (I have found them under 10 dollars each on etsy) and more cashmere overalls, to round out my newborn diaper stash.

 

So, I managed to start the ball rolling with buying baby stuff last night for the first time (we don't have a single baby thing around here), and kept it all entirely gender neutral.  I think I will try to keep 95% of the clothes and diapers gender neutral, so that everything can be put away in a box for the next baby, without running into the risk of ending up mourning the loss of re-using treasured baby items like aidenn is going through.    it's a lot easier on etsy and buying upcycled sewn items that are just not...pink, or.... my friend has a sewing machine and says she'll teach me to sew some baby shirts to go with these cashmere overalls.  Or maybe I'll pick a few cashmere sweaters from my closet that I don't love anymore, and we can use them to make some overalls too.

post #20 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsandmrs View Post

oh man, i really despise those slogan shirts for boys AND girls. they make me shudder, in part because the messaging is so gendered and demeaning to all human beings, and in part because the fonts they choose are so hideous. target has some onesies that say "I'm the favorite" - for some reason, I think it would be hilarious to buy two and make them wear them at the same time. But the colors and the font are hideous, so we will skip them.

(edited to add: the day after i wrote this, i received two of those "im the favorite" onesies in the mail from a relative. hideous font and all. thanks, universe) 

mrsandmrs - that is hilarious! Don't you just love how the universe plays tricks on us like that!?!

 

Not that I'd go crazy with buying slogan shirts or anything but I do have to admit that I spent about an hour yesterday on Amazon reading all of the funny slogans on baby clothes... I actually went looking for a specific bib that DH told me he saw a while ago "these fools put my cape on backwards". I found it and continued some time-suckage of reading some other funny things on there, some not so funny, even obnoxious, but I did get some good belly laughs out of reading them, here's a few that I thought were cute:

 

Glad to be out, I was running out of womb.

Don't look at me, that smell is coming from my Dad.

This is how I roll (with picture of sushi).

What's up (said the turtle to the giraffe).

 

Serafina33 - sounds like a great deal, I'll have to check out etsy:) Didn't even think about that for diapers! Thanks for sharing the info!!

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