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Do you curse around your child? - Page 2

post #21 of 98
I rarely curse. Dh does sometimes... I discourage ds from using curse words or using God as an exclamation because it does offend people. When he was young, I explained that if he used those sorts of words at the playground, the other moms might not want him to play with their kids. He did want to play with every kid he met so it was important for him to not shock and alienate them.

I really think people do kids a disservice by using words in front of them when they are too young to understand the ramifications of their repeating them. If you only hang out with a very homogeneous group of like minded people, you can get away with it. But if your child goes to preschool, you are setting them up to get punished. And I think that's a bit mean to put young kids in that situation.

I've had kids be shocked and call it cursing when we say darn. I explain that darn means to mend a hole so that's what we say when there is a problem that needs mending;-) I don't mind substitute curse words in the least and think it is quite good enough that we don't actually curse.

Ds is a tween and has a full vocabulary of curse words. I don't care if he uses the occasional one if there aren't other people around (especially younger cousins who look up to him.) But I remind him he has other, more accurate, word choices. I don't want him being one of those people whose vocabulary has the f word interjected every other word. Nothing sounds stupider to me.
post #22 of 98

i am not the curser. i do occasionally. but ex is one.

 

i have never 'watched' my tongue around dd. 

 

she swore when she was little for the fun of it. 

 

she rarely swears now.

 

like pp i worked more on her intent than actual words. 

post #23 of 98

How do you handle this topic with other parents?  The anti and pro cursing camps are two very disparate parenting choices--once the kids pick up the words, they're bound to repeat them in front of their friends.  And for someone who's very anti, there's a perception of loss of innocence that's hard to reconcile.  But it's so hard to bring something like this up--do you, or do you just suck it up and handle it with your own kids?  

post #24 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by LRMamaS View Post

-once the kids pick up the words, they're bound to repeat them in front of their friends.  

not necessarily. dd and her best friend cursed around our family but not in public. for some reason they figured out it was not a nice thing to do in public but it was fun doing it around mommies. dd at 3 always asked us what rhymed with luck and she'd get mad if we said the word. 

post #25 of 98
Thread Starter 
I agree that intent matters more than specific words, but I do think that people can be stereotyped and have negative social consequences if it becomes a steady and habitual part of their vocabulary. I say that and at the same time I have friends who swear a lot and it doesn't bother me or cause me to think negatively about them. However I know that there are areas in life where you will be more respected with a different vocabulary. Honestly, I'm wondering if I have to check myself on this and consider if I'm a bit snobbish in this area. I will do a bit of self reflection on this issue.
post #26 of 98
Ds swears all the time through regular conversation and at the kids. The 7 yr old swears a lot-- called me a bitch and called his 9 yr old brother a dickhead. I don't use words like that around them, but she grew up in a different culture and country-- the UK, where it was normal to use course language if you were from a working class background. I came from a working class background too, but we were deeply conservative and religious. I consider it disrespectful if your child curses at you.
post #27 of 98
Ds swears all the time through regular conversation and at the kids. The 7 yr old swears a lot-- called me a bitch and called his 9 yr old brother a dickhead. I don't use words like that around them, but she grew up in a different culture and country-- the UK, where it was normal to use course language if you were from a working class background. I came from a working class background too, but we were deeply conservative and religious. I consider it disrespectful if your child curses at you. Even now ds and his siblings use swear words to their mother, but I guess she's used to it. My mother would not tolerate it at all...
post #28 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

I agree that intent matters more than specific words, but I do think that people can be stereotyped and have negative social consequences if it becomes a steady and habitual part of their vocabulary. 

As a child i was more focused on that dd understood the impact of hurtful words. swearing didnt matter. she swore appropriately but did not swear at people. 

 

i think there's classiness around swearing too. some swear words are appropriate, and some not. 

 

its one thing to say shit or fuck when one hammered ones thumb or dropped something, but to call another person names - whether you are 4 or 40 is not ok in my books. to call someone a mother f****** is not something dd grew up hearing. 

 

i guess we are talking about two things here. swearing and name calling. swearing is ok (i can see in some stiff upper lip social situation where even that is inappropriate, but i havent seen any social class that doesnt do it) name calling at any age is not. 

post #29 of 98

I swear a lot, but I try not to do it in front of the kids. I don't really swear in anger -- I mostly swear when I'm hanging out with friends, like when DH and I are playing cards with another couple the talk can get pretty raunchy. But it's all in fun. 

post #30 of 98

We don't, no.  I have slipped exactly once, when I was driving through a snowstorm and we lost traction and skidded for about 20 feet (I said "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" and DS sweetly asked, "What's the matter, Mama?") - but I feel completely justified, as I was pretty sure we were going to crash into somebody or some thing and I had 3-y-o DS in the car plus was about 6 months pregnant at the time... not a great time for an accident.

 

DH and I differ on the "other" words, but I think he's coming around.  I really don't want to encourage words like "that sucks" or "I screwed that up" or "shut up" in my house.  My mother raised us not to speak that way and ACTUALLY, PHYSICALLY washed our mouths out with soap when we slipped.  Blech.  I do not want us to be that extreme, but at the same time we can all learn and practice expressing our emotions while still being polite, or else we're free to go to a room by ourselves and just let off steam.  

post #31 of 98

Yes, I swear in front of the kids.  I censor myself a little bit in the interest of letting a few bland words get through, but my children have a full vocabulary, and know how to use it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChooChoo View Post

The way I see it, words are just words. It's the way you use them that matters. I would rather my child say, "What the f#ck?" in general than to ever hear him say "You're ugly" to someone. I don't mind swearing as long as it is not negatively directed toward someone. Words should never be used to hurt someone, regardless of the word.
 

yeahthat.gif  And because I'm more concerned with how the word is used than with which word it is, the longest lecture dd has ever gotten for inappropriate word use was about the word "starving".

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by LRMamaS View Post

How do you handle this topic with other parents?  The anti and pro cursing camps are two very disparate parenting choices--once the kids pick up the words, they're bound to repeat them in front of their friends.  And for someone who's very anti, there's a perception of loss of innocence that's hard to reconcile.  But it's so hard to bring something like this up--do you, or do you just suck it up and handle it with your own kids?  

 

I usually hang out with families that I have a thing or two in common with, so this hasn't come up much.  The kids are aware that some people are offended by profanity, especially the use of religious words, so they do try to watch what they say in certain groups.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

I agree that intent matters more than specific words, but I do think that people can be stereotyped and have negative social consequences if it becomes a steady and habitual part of their vocabulary. I say that and at the same time I have friends who swear a lot and it doesn't bother me or cause me to think negatively about them. However I know that there are areas in life where you will be more respected with a different vocabulary. Honestly, I'm wondering if I have to check myself on this and consider if I'm a bit snobbish in this area. I will do a bit of self reflection on this issue.

 

I think a notable lack of swearing can lead to negative first impressions just as easily as excessive swearing can.  I don't know how true it is, but I've heard that a little swearing makes a person seem more trustworthy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MissAnthrope View Post

We swear in front of the children.  What words are and aren't "cursing" is so arbitrary, I don't see how any particular small set should be off-limits.

 

We don't use ableist, sexist, racist, or other slurs.  That's different.

 

I do encourage the children to use absurd curses when possible-- we use a lot of Shakespearean curses (thou spotty cur, thou carbuncle, thou wretched insolent knave, etc.) and a lot of supervillian/mad scientist curses (curse you, ironic timing of the universe!, etc.).  But that's less because I dislike the Lenny Bruce set and more because I think it's fun to play with language that way.  It helps redirect energies into creative outlets, usually quickly leads to giggling, and doesn't hurt our vocabularies, either.


I have to start doing the Shakespearean curses thing.  Shakespeare is a minor obsession among dd's friends anyways, so it could easily catch on.

post #32 of 98

post deleted


Edited by boater - 4/26/13 at 4:49pm
post #33 of 98

I realized I had to pull it in a bit when DD (now 4yo) started repeating them back to us, and saw that I didn't enjoy being on the receiving end.

She did need a little coaching but so far she's keeping it to moments of intense anger or frustration, and we're better about it too. We were a little loose before. On the other hand, the words have been de-mystified now, so they carry less taboo which seems to lesson the motivation to use them.

 

I do try to curb the use of "God" while swearing, out of respect for others. That one's harder for me though, I seem to use it a lot, and guess what- it was one I got in serious trouble for when growing up, so there is definitely some truth to the fact that if you suppress something it comes out in droves later!

 

I'm trying to use "rats" and "nuts" more but they just don't have the punch...They're better for milder disappointments though. "Freakin"" is helpful too.

 

I totally agree with pp's that name-calling is different and not okay.

 

I think I live in a modest town because so far I haven't run into other parents who swear excessively when both the children and myself are around, or who have tried to silence me (I seem to be the one most-likely-to-swear). I'm also curious to hear if anyone else has encountered this and what they did.

post #34 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by alaskanmomma View Post

I did have an instance where my dd was 3.5 and she walked in the house before I did.. The dog didn't get put in her cage before we left and had pooped on the floor... I hear from the top of her lungs "Mommmmmmmmmmm, the dog shit all over the carpet!" It was very hard to not laugh much less correct her.

I literally laughed out loud when I read this, Alaskanmoma. I could just picture a little girl yelling this out for everyone to hear and not caring that they did. Too funny! ROTFLMAO.gif
post #35 of 98

I don't swear around my daughter, but my husband occasionally does (if he is upset by something). He thinks that it is ok as long as the children know it is only appropriate at home and not at school, in public etc. That is how he was raised. I would rather not have swearing at all, just to make it easier. Then it isn't something you have to change in public, you just don't do it. I wouldn't punish my daughter if she said a curse word though, just talk with her about why she felt the need to say it. 

post #36 of 98

I occasionally curse around my kids, but I'm careful not to most of the time. Sometimes I have slips when I get mad or am not thinking, but I always tell them that it was a rude thing for me to say and apologize to them. But despite being careful, my son learned how to say "F*** It" from a friend at school. He came home saying it one day, and it took a week to get him to stop. I didn't want to blow it out of proportion, because he's the type of kid that will do things just to get a rise out of people, but he eventually came to the understanding that it isn't something he's supposed to say. Now every time my husband or I have a slip-up, he's the first to point it out and say, "ooooh you said a bad word." 

post #37 of 98

No never. I find children swearing pretty horrifying actually.

 

I was raised in a religous home and learned at a really early age what was acceptable in different groups and how to control my mouth. Swearing won't ever be allowed in our home mostly because I think of it as a good exercise in self-control.I am sure the kids will be swearing plenty with their friends and that is  fine. In our home, in school, at work, or sports? No.

 

I'd actually rank "hate" and "stupid" right up there. The kids aren't allowed to say either. DS came home from K with a few "gods" and those went out the door too. I am not religous at all.

 

We don't use the term "bad." Words aren't bad. The meaning and emotion behind them might be fierce and more often than not, it is just habit. We use the term "rude" to describe words we don't use as well as behaviors that are unkind. There is always another way to express yourself.

post #38 of 98

My kid is still just a fetus, but I know what I think about cursing in general, and I hope I am able to teach it to her.

 

Basically, I just have a problem with the effects of the words, and wether another way of expressing something is more effective.

 

For example, I kind of get why parents don't like "dang" and "fudge" etc., and it's not just because they are stand-ins for curse words. IMO, there's a whole class of expressions that just really fail at being the right thing to say. At least, if you're actually trying to say anything. For example, let's say this person, whose been getting on your nerves all day does *that thing* one more time, and they really meant it. You can shout out either: "You're such a fuckhead!" or "What is wrong with you? Stop it!" 

 

What do you choose? It depends on the situation, but in most cases, unless this is someone you really just wanna pick a fight with, the second one is more likely to get your frustration and disdain across without completely shutting down the situation like calling them a fuckhead might. But maybe this is a friend, and fuckhead is just your special way of saying "You're being silly!" In that case, why not use your little in-group slang to say things like "Going out with all my bitches!" on a Friday night to just mean whatever your bitches want it to mean? 

 

As for me, I don't curse much at all unless I've been around people who curse casually all day. It just rubs off I guess.

 

But I would never attack someone by calling them a cunt or an asshole no matter who I've been around. That just crosses the line, I think, because the intended effect is very cruel. And I don't want to go there. 

post #39 of 98
Quote:
You can shout out either: "You're such a fuckhead!" or "What is wrong with you? Stop it!" 

 

What do you choose? It depends on the situation, but in most cases, unless this is someone you really just wanna pick a fight with, the second one is more likely to get your frustration and disdain across without completely shutting down the situation like calling them a fuckhead might.

Good point. There is a lot of research that suggests lack of vocabulary is one reason why disadvantaged children have difficulties in school/aggression. There is a huge difference to reacting to a situation and expressing your needs and if you don't have the vocabulary to express yourself and the experience to handle stressful situations without resorting to swearing or violent words or action you can't prosper in a classroom.

post #40 of 98

I curse a lot, and a lot of it is around my kids. It's not something I worry about.

 

My parents didn't swear around us. A few of their friends did, but not much, and my parents didn't encourage it even a little bit. My siblings and I all curse a lot. I think there are a lot of factors involved in whether a kid swears or not. In my case, as I approached my teens, life sucked (total maladjustment to my peer group, as a shrink put it, plus my parents were having issues) and I was really angry a lot of the time, largely due to severe PMS. I also needed to find a way to talk to other kids that didn't result in accusations of snottiness over my "big words". Swearing worked. For many years after that, it was a common way to speak in my peer group, as well. Swearing's just not a big deal in my world.

 

I don't swear at my kids.

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