I'm so sorry for your loss.
Fearing the worst - Page 3
In the end it took 2 days for the meds to finally kick my labour off. On Sunday morning the real pains kicked off and 3 hours later I gave birth the our little boy. We named him Colm, which was our son's first choice for a baby name. He was perfect, there was no explanation for why this happened again. We brought him back to our room, took some photos, and let the shocking reality of what just happened sink in. I knew my 7 year old would like to hold him, as she had asked me before we went to the hospital. I was very worried how she would handle it, and my other 2 for that matter. My dh brought them to the hospital, and by my complete surprise my dd saw past everything and absolutely fell in love with him. She thought he was beautiful and perfect. She held him and didn't want to let him go, so we let her. She held him all the way home, and all evening before she went to bed. My 5 years old ds also had a few turns, but he wasn't as smitten as my dd. I was going to hide it from my 2 year old, but she's not stupid. She wanted to see the baby. I explained that he got sick and the doctors weren't able to fix him, so we can't keep him. She was surprised by his appearance, but mostly concerned, and very accepting. Kids are far more able to deal with these issues than I ever imagined. That night at 3am my 7 year old came to my bed asking if she could hold the baby. I still can't believe how much she loved him. I am incredibly proud of her and her emotional maturity during this time. She nurtured and loved that baby until we placed him in the ground. She told me he only has a short life so she wants to make it as good as possible. So sweet.
On Monday we buried him alongside his brother who died 8 years ago. It was just the 5 of us. The kids each released a balloon after. It was of course sad, but it was also perfect. We brought the kids for a meal, and came home. My dd cried in my arms that evening, I'm happy she could do that.
Now slowly life will begin to resume normality. I feel well, but tired. This morning I can feel my breasts fill up with milk that was meant for Colm. This was the most difficult part for me last time, but also in a way validated the realness of my loss, and the realness that I was a mother despite my empty arms. This time though I have a cute little 2 year nursling. ;-) She is on the verge of weaning, but still has a feed now and again, so I'm hoping she can help with the pain of engorcement.
Thank you all again, your messages have been very comforting to me.
Mary, I'm so glad you went through your birthing with love and support surrounding you. As a birth worker, I've cared for many families who are undergoing a pregnancy loss, from early second trimester through full term. It's always, always heartbreaking. I'm so glad that your children were able to meet their brother and know how special and important he is to the family. You are raising young people who will know that there's no mystery about their parents having feelings, and no fear of having feelings of their own.
My thoughts are with you as you continue to mourn and heal with the support of your loving family. You are Colm's mother, whether he's with you or not. Sending lots of white light your way.