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I am I the only person driven crazy by people who profess a specific diet and then eats those... - Page 2

post #21 of 80

"You could either make one vegan cake for everyone, or maybe only make vegan muffins, etc. (as in, sub something vegan for something non-vegan, so you don't have tons of leftover food)."

 

Why? Nothing tastes as good as butter. Why would I force myself and other guests to eat vegan food? When I come to vegan house would they serve me butter? Of course not.

 

I always have one vegan dish at my dinner for sure, i.e salad. And not ,more vegan desserts because  I am not not spending hours baking  to see people suddenly be butter lovers.

 

If someone is really a vegan, they will grab a fruit from my fruit basket.

 

Yes, it is rude to tell people that you are vegan or paleo and then refuse to eat what people made jsut for you and eat thing that are not on "your list" . Rude, rude, rude.

post #22 of 80
Back to the person whose husband pulls the cheese off the pizza and is fine with that, there was a time when I could do that. Now, it would be a major problem. That's why I prefer just to bring my own food, if I'm going to be there long enough to get hungry.
post #23 of 80

Yeah, he's not vegan, or vegetarian, or anaphylactic allergic, though. He just can't do dairy because of IBS-like results. I guess my point was if hosts provide a few vegan-friendly options for everyone (salad, hummus-n-veggies, chips-n-salsa) instead of going out of their way to make something special, then folks can do what works for them and everyone (host, vegan guests, other guests) can enjoy themselves. My DH had salad and de-cheesed pizza at a friend's impromptu get together recently. (I ate the pizza even though I've been trying to cut down on gluten and I've been paying the price since.)

post #24 of 80

My husband is also a very picky eater. I can't track exactly why he doesn't eat certain foods (he is legitimately allergic to seafood however), but he usually stops on the way to a party and eats dinner like a slice of pizza or a burger so he isn't hungry, then at the party he snacks on certain veggies he likes or desserts that he will eat. 

I'd expect anyone with a diet out of the ordinary to operate like that. They've visiting friends, not a restaurant. 

post #25 of 80

Maybe communication is an issue here?

 

You might ask your vegan friends if they need you to supply vegan food for your parties, or if they are fine with vegetarian party food.

 

Some people do relax their food rules at parties.

 

If they want you to provide (expensive) vegan food for them, and you see them eating the non-vegan food anyway, you can always say (with a huge friendly smile)  something like, "Oh!  If I knew you could eat that, I wouldn't have spent $42 on special vegan food for you!  Please, have some more!"  

 

Then they might understand that you went to considerable expense and trouble to accommodate them, and that they've just shown you that it wasn't necessary.

post #26 of 80

I would supply basic vegan food, plus whatever else you want to serve, and that would be that. 

 

My daughters are vegetarian.  I always feel a little bad when someone buys products specifically for them, as I know they might not eat it.  Everyone has food preferences, even vegans and vegetarians, and spending 42$ on something they very well might not eat (just as carnivore might not eat whatever you made)  is pointless.  I have also had a couple of experiences where someone thought something was vegetarian - only it wasn't - so we now prefer simpler foods at get togethers as it is easier to ascertain what is in them.  


Edited by kathymuggle - 5/1/13 at 8:23pm
post #27 of 80

The whole situation would annoy me, but mostly the added children.  That sounds very strange, specifically since it wasn't a one time thing.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by marsupial-mom View Post

I'm vegan.
Being vegan means refraining from consuming animal products as much as practical and possible. It's about eating (wearing or using) no/few animal products, possibly making some exceptions here a or there as the social situation dictates. Being vegan is NOT akin to an allergy or religious practice.

First, vegan food is not expensive. You don't have to spend tons of extra money to be a good host. Just offer some fresh fruit, plain nuts, a veggie tray, etc. Beans (3 bean salad, baked beans, lentils/dal, bean chili, etc) are a great cheap option.

Second, most (maybe all) KIND bars are not vegan. So you may have thought you were buying all this extra food to accommodate this family but really you didn't. You bought food you thought was vegan but wasn't vegan. That may be part of the problem right there - some misunderstanding about veganism on your part.

Third, it sounds like there's a conflict between your perception of vegan vs that family's practice of vegan. Let make something very clear: vegans get a lot of crap. No matter how we eat someone's going to find fault.

Personally, I let my son eat vegetarian food at parties when there aren't vegan options or when the vegan options are things he doesn't like. I do that so he can have fun and so the host isn't offended. I don't like bringing my own food to parties so usually we eat beforehand.

I suggest that you Host parties how you like and if you invite this family then ask them to bring some food themselves because you won't have anything vegan.

 

KIND has made vegan bars.  I'm not sure why you're writing this as if you know exactly what the OP purchased.  headscratch.gif  She is stating she purchased vegan food, but maybe you misunderstood that. 

post #28 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alenushka View Post

"You could either make one vegan cake for everyone, or maybe only make vegan muffins, etc. (as in, sub something vegan for something non-vegan, so you don't have tons of leftover food)."

 

Why? Nothing tastes as good as butter. Why would I force myself and other guests to eat vegan food? When I come to vegan house would they serve me butter? Of course not.

 

I always have one vegan dish at my dinner for sure, i.e salad. And not ,more vegan desserts because  I am not not spending hours baking  to see people suddenly be butter lovers.

 

If someone is really a vegan, they will grab a fruit from my fruit basket.

 

Yes, it is rude to tell people that you are vegan or paleo and then refuse to eat what people made jsut for you and eat thing that are not on "your list" . Rude, rude, rude.

 

That really depends on the context in which they told you.

 

Diet comes up in conversation. I will mention that we eat paleo, or occasionally post paleo links/recipes/whatever on facebook. I'm not pushy about it, and generally try to avoid being the one bringing it up because I don't want to be that person... but it comes up sometimes. Unless you're willing to eat absolutely anything, it's going to come up sometimes.

 

Do I have to, in every single circumstance where it comes up, include the caveat that we eat paleo 99% of the time but, not being gluten-sensitive to the extent that it causes any sort of immediately disabling symptom, we do eat other stuff from time to time and no one should worry about providing a special diet for us on the off chance that we eat at their house?

 

On the other hand, if I was invited to a party and specifically told the host my dietary restrictions in that context (or had in the past in a similar situation), then yes, it would be rude to pass up the special food they made in favor of something not on my diet. If she's militant enough to demand that all snacks in the classroom be vegan, then she falls into this category and is probably one who should be a little more consistent in her eating.

 

The "They can just eat the salad" attitude is going to push less strict vegans towards eating the non-vegan food unless the salad is a really hearty salad that's intended to be an actual meal. Salad, without adequate protein and fat, is not a meal.

 

To put it into less controversial terms... you have a friend who is dieting. She talks frequently about this, and is very proud of her weight loss, and is frankly kind of annoying about it. You make a scrumptious dessert for your guests, but get her nonfat artificially sweetened ice milk because you want to support her weight loss. She LOVES your desserts, and has planned that this party will be her one big splurge in months. Is it rude of her to pass up the ice milk in favor of the other dessert when she had no forewarning that you were going to be doing something different for her? Would it be rude of you, as host, to assume that she wouldn't want the good dessert and only make enough for the other guests?

 

No one should be expected to eat only what *you* view as second-class food without clear prior communication. (I realize that this is clearly not what you were saying in your original post if you're spending large amounts of money on special vegan food.)

 

If you know someone has dietary restrictions of some sort, it is polite to ask questions if you're going to be hosting them. If you're the one with dietary restrictions, it is polite to explain what you need even if not directly asked, (including "Oh, don't worry about it - when in Rome and all that") and then stick with that. If the communication doesn't happen, then both sides are partially at fault.

 

I also agree that there are plenty of ways to inexpensively and considerately accommodate vegan guests.


Edited by ocelotmom - 5/2/13 at 8:44am
post #29 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocelotmom View Post

 

 

 

The "They can just eat the salad" attitude is going to push less strict vegans towards eating the non-vegan food unless the salad is a really hearty salad that's intended to be an actual meal. Salad, without adequate protein and fat, is not a meal.

 

 

It is just one meal, though.

 

Really, my food choices and issues are my food choices and issues…I do not expect others to go out of their way to accomodate them.  

 

I would actually prefer it if they didn't go out of their way to try and accomodate me - what if they make a special veggie dish for me that contains xyz and I hate xyz?  There is just less resentment and bitter feelings all around if I just bring my own food, or if they stick to basic type stuff.  

post #30 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

I would actually prefer it if they didn't go out of their way to try and accomodate me - what if they make a special veggie dish for me that contains xyz and I hate xyz?  There is just less resentment and bitter feelings all around if I just bring my own food, or if they stick to basic type stuff.  


I totally agree with you on this, especially if the person doesn't have a lot of experience dealing with my particular dietary restriction. However, some people will still be totally offended if you bring your own food, eat beforehand, or otherwise imply that their food isn't good enough. Can't win :)

post #31 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocelotmom View Post


Can't win :)

truedat.gif, lol.

post #32 of 80
A couple of interesting points here. Salad is not a meal at all. Salad plus some plain rice, bread, or a baked potato would be a meal. Whether you should be providing a meal is another issue, but one definitely can't provide just a green salad and call it a meal.

And it really does suck to be provided with special food that you can't/don't eat. On one memorable occasion DH and I were presented with a platter of vegan sausages and fake meats and then given fried soy cutlets as an entree. We wouldn't normally eat this sort of thing for health reasons but DH had some to be polite. But I actually gag when I eat meats or meat-like things (stupid reaction, I know, but I can't control it). I felt so badly that they went to so much trouble and expense for us, even after we said we'd bring our own food to share.
post #33 of 80

I strongly prefer bananas with no spots and a bit of a green tinge around the stem. Bananas ripe enough to have brown spots are totally unappetizing to me.

 

I went to dinner at a boyfriend's house once. Somehow "I prefer bananas slightly underripe with a little green around the stem" got translated into "ocelotmom likes green bananas", and she made banana splits for us... with bananas that were completely green. I ate it to be polite, but did wish she hadn't tried to accommodate me, or had just made something that didn't involve bananas at all!
 

I've been the bad guy, too. I once made "vegan" cornbread for a potluck. I replaced the dairy with coconut milk, but completely forgot that I'd used eggs in it. Luckily, I was just having a stupid moment, did actually know what vegans do and don't eat, and realized my error before actually getting to the potluck, so I was able to correct my false advertising :)

 

I've also been offended when parents of a guest invited to my DS's birthday party wouldn't let him eat the cake that was in compliance with his dietary restrictions as I understood them (there were two other guests with similar restrictions, so I didn't do it just for him). Now I understand that they simply weren't taking any chances in a situation where they didn't know me well enough to 100% trust my special diet cooking abilities, especially as the presence of a non-compliant cake indicated a good possibility of cross-contamination.

 

I realize that none of these situations is directly comparable to the original post, just things I've experienced that indicate the need for good communication from both sides.

post #34 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocelotmom View Post

I've also been offended when parents of a guest invited to my DS's birthday party wouldn't let him eat the cake that was in compliance with his dietary restrictions as I understood them (there were two other guests with similar restrictions, so I didn't do it just for him). Now I understand that they simply weren't taking any chances in a situation where they didn't know me well enough to 100% trust my special diet cooking abilities, especially as the presence of a non-compliant cake indicated a good possibility of cross-contamination.

 


So if you know why they wouldn't let the kid eat it, why were you offended?

post #35 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by scsigrl View Post


So if you know why they wouldn't let the kid eat it, why were you offended?

I understand now, but didn't at the time.
post #36 of 80

I would ask their advice about what to provide. 

My kids have recently gone on restricted diets, and people misunderstand it alot (first it was gluten free, now its grain free) On a playdate, my friend offered ds a rice snack (after i had decided to omit rice products that may contain arsenic) I didnt bother to explain it to her, because i didnt want her to feel bad she had offered  this snack.  Then she offered soup that actually contain gluten...she was  doing her best.

 

I dont expect anyone to accomodate for my family. We will bring our own food. I cant expect them to understand all the complexities of the food choices when i myself didnt have a clue a few months ago, and have  done so much research since then. If they are the kind of friend that wants to hear all the information influencing my diet choices, then great. But not everyone wants to hear all of the details.

 

So, dont be presumptious, let and let live. Let them bring their own snacks. Or, if you want to provide them snacks, ask them for advice. A good host makes everyone comfortable, and good communication is part of that. ykwm?

post #37 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by JonesiesGirl View PostAnd it really does suck to be provided with special food that you can't/don't eat. On one memorable occasion DH and I were presented with a platter of vegan sausages and fake meats and then given fried soy cutlets as an entree. We wouldn't normally eat this sort of thing for health reasons but DH had some to be polite. But I actually gag when I eat meats or meat-like things (stupid reaction, I know, but I can't control it). I felt so badly that they went to so much trouble and expense for us, even after we said we'd bring our own food to share.

I've experienced that too. I remember once, one of my daughter's friend's mom brought us some gluten-free cupcakes. It was very thoughtful of her, but it still contained way more sugar than I normally consumed. I ate one to be polite (plus they looked really good!) but I felt sick afterwards. The gluten-free stuff I bake is very low in sugar and low GI- I often make muffins with mushed fruit, eggs, and almond meal, and no added sugars at all.

 

I know there were other times when people tried to accommodate my  dietary needs and got it wrong- though I can't remember the specifics right now. It puts me in a very hard position- do I eat food that might make me sick, or make my hostess feel bad? The decision I make depends on the specific ingredients in the food- some foods will make me very sick, while others have much more subtle reactions and I can handle eating once or twice a year.

 

Really, the key is communication. I react VERY strongly to a lot of common foods. I generally don't like to eat any food that I haven't prepared myself (unless it was prepared by somebody very familiar with my dietary needs, such as my daughter.) I do eat at friends' homes a few times a year, and in general I want to either "politely decline the invitation" or spend a LOT of time on the phone with my hosts ahead of time discussing the menu! I make it a habit to eat before heading out, and to always keep snacks in my purse.

post #38 of 80

My son has to be gluten-free (celiac) and dairy-free (allergy). Most people aren't equipped to make those foods because gluten and dairy are called by so many other names on ingredient lists. We don't personally eat much in the way of processed foods because it's so easy to miss a single ingredient buried in a list (and no, they're not always marked clearly). I always tell people that simple is better if they ask. Fruit, raw veggies, and a gourmet nut mix are great, and that's what I typically provide. Even something like purchased hummus can have both gluten and dairy. Because it's an issue for us, I always bring it up to the hostess so that they're not stressing over what to do.

 

I provide both vegetarian-only and vegan options at pretty much every event we attend. When we go to potluck-type events, I always try to make something that I know will work for the most people possible. Still, the biggest lesson I've learned - and OP it's something to consider - is that substituting a "whatever special diet" food for a regular food is more difficult than just going with whole foods. I have known a couple of militant vegans, and it's annoying to me. I would be unlikely to invite them to a party to be honest. I'm not interested in you telling me what bad food choices we're making. I also find that the absolute HORROR that those people display if something isn't up to their liking just pisses me off because I have a child with an actual medical reason for not eating certain foods, rather than simply a preference (ethical consideration or not) for a certain type of eating.

post #39 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post

I've experienced that too. I remember once, one of my daughter's friend's mom brought us some gluten-free cupcakes. It was very thoughtful of her, but it still contained way more sugar than I normally consumed. I ate one to be polite (plus they looked really good!) but I felt sick afterwards. The gluten-free stuff I bake is very low in sugar and low GI- I often make muffins with mushed fruit, eggs, and almond meal, and no added sugars at all.

 

I know there were other times when people tried to accommodate my  dietary needs and got it wrong- though I can't remember the specifics right now. It puts me in a very hard position- do I eat food that might make me sick, or make my hostess feel bad? The decision I make depends on the specific ingredients in the food- some foods will make me very sick, while others have much more subtle reactions and I can handle eating once or twice a year.

 

Really, the key is communication. I react VERY strongly to a lot of common foods. I generally don't like to eat any food that I haven't prepared myself (unless it was prepared by somebody very familiar with my dietary needs, such as my daughter.) I do eat at friends' homes a few times a year, and in general I want to either "politely decline the invitation" or spend a LOT of time on the phone with my hosts ahead of time discussing the menu! I make it a habit to eat before heading out, and to always keep snacks in my purse.

If someone takes the time to tell me they have food preferences, I try to accommodate.  If they don't eat it the first few times, I stop providing it.  I'm going to meet people where they are.  No judgement. For myself, with severe gluten-intolerance and currently a paleo diet, I ALWAYS travel w/ my own food.  I have had friends try, and so many times i ate the food on the guarantee that it only contained ABC ingredients, only to get ill for weeks and find out there was one or two other things, and/or cross contamination.  And I don't have 2-3 weeks of my life to give to politeness.  

 

If it's not a priority for them, then it isn't for me.  And I learn and move on.  When vegan families come over, I offer veggies, hummus, and sometimes fruit (for locavores in new england, that's rare) along w/ my local organic pastured meats, eggs, and cheese.  If they choose to eat the local animal products, I know they're getting a great food that might night fit their moral code at home, but is still healthful and good.  

post #40 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by HouseofPeace View Post

If someone takes the time to tell me they have food preferences, I try to accommodate.  If they don't eat it the first few times, I stop providing it.  I'm going to meet people where they are.  No judgement. For myself, with severe gluten-intolerance and currently a paleo diet, I ALWAYS travel w/ my own food.  I have had friends try, and so many times i ate the food on the guarantee that it only contained ABC ingredients, only to get ill for weeks and find out there was one or two other things, and/or cross contamination.  And I don't have 2-3 weeks of my life to give to politeness.  

If it's not a priority for them, then it isn't for me.  And I learn and move on.  When vegan families come over, I offer veggies, hummus, and sometimes fruit (for locavores in new england, that's rare) along w/ my local organic pastured meats, eggs, and cheese.  If they choose to eat the local animal products, I know they're getting a great food that might night fit their moral code at home, but is still healthful and good.  


I know what you mean about not having time to be ill because of politeness!!

Cross contamination is a real issue in a buffet situation. For those who *need* a special diet, a buffet is likely to be avoided.
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