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Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Talk Amongst Ourselves › Grief and Loss › My baby---my 16 year old is gone! Anyone else out there who came home to find their child dead after they took their own life?
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My baby---my 16 year old is gone! Anyone else out there who came home to find their child dead...

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 

November 8,2012 I came home to find my child naked on the couch.

Immediately I went to throw a blanket over him and then shake him as I thought he was asleep.  What happened next was all a blur and so much happened all at once, time seemed to stand  still at times and then race;  and then other times I know I was screaming uncontrollably and so loudly because I thought it would wake me up from the nightmare.

As I was shaking him, I realized that he didn't look right (sort of gray and purple?, how do you describe that?). Then the awful fluids started coming out of his mouth at the same time I saw all the empty prescription pill bottles on the floor and then I  really started screaming and called 911...

Don't want to talk about the rest of that night just yet.

 

The first couple weeks were a blur, then went into all the months of the "holidays" which I had a real hard time with.

I did a lot of "faking it to make it" especially around family members who don't seem to want to acknowledge Lukas and change the subject when I bring him up---whether I want to talk about sadness or happy memories.

I took two months off work (I am a Children's Social Worker believe it or  not)  just to get through the holidays. 

Keeping busy, busy, busy with work and moving to a new place for the last few months helped me avoid a lot for the last few months.  Then in mid March I found out more bad news about my own health.  I have now just had a second major surgery on my left arm a week ago and will be off work again for awhile. 

 

It is now about to be six months since November 8, 2012 and I still have flashbacks often of that night (especially triggered by lights and sirens, the sight of my prescription bottles---I now keep them in plastic bags, etc.) 

So many things trigger many emotions...the music that he loved ( and that we loved together), all the scholarship offers that started coming in the mail during recent months (after many years of struggling in school, after I found the right school setting a few years ago, he was now thriving in school); he and I shared a passion for nature, politics and social justice issues.

The world lost a wonderful soul on November 8th.!

 

I am forever will changed...I know I will be ok, but forever changed.  An empty nest was not supposed to happen this way!

I had been struggling with trying to find support that really felt supportive.  Late last night I was having trouble sleeping from both physical pain in my arm but also the emotional pain and grief that I feel most deeply late at night.  I suddenly remembered Mothering magazine which I had read religiously staring in late 80's when I was pregnant with my first child.  I began subscribing when pregnant with my second in 1992.  I then became involved in Mothering friends group in Orange County, .  Sadly,  life took another turn for me in 2000 when I became a single parent and had to suddenly move away from the area.  I then lost touch with the people in this group and with Mothering magazine as I could no longer afford it as a single mother. 

Last night, I discovered that although Mothering does not exist in print form anymore (sadly,) I did discover these forums.

I am really new to this, but am reaching out for support from anybody in this community..

 

Any help and support would be appreciated as it feels very lonely at times!

 

Love,

Susan

post #2 of 25
greensad.gif
I lost my brother to suicide in January 2011. PM if you would like to have a link to facebook groups...
post #3 of 25
Thread Starter 

I am not on Facebook (yet).  I will be 50  later this year and am not very tech savvy..  I just got my first laptop a few months ago  after not having a PC, laptop or anything at home in the last 10 years.

 

I had said before that I thought I would never be on Facebook.  But that was when I thought Facebook was mostly for teenagers and young people to gossip, etc.   I realize now I was showing my ignorance.  Maybe Facebook could be another avenue for me for resources and connections.  I am learning more all the time.

post #4 of 25
It sounds like you may have PTSD, sometimes my mothers suicide 13 years ago still makes mine act up. Your loss is terrible. There are a lot of suicide support groups online, I am not an active member of any right now. I know my dad went to meetings in town. The first year, experiencing each new season again without our loved one is so hard. Reach out, be kind to yourself... Much love.
post #5 of 25
There are no words. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. I am so so sorry mama.
post #6 of 25
Oh, Mama, I am so sorry for your great loss. A mother should never have to outlive her child. Your whole beautiful spirit was hurt so badly by this experience. Could it perhaps have rendered you more vulnerable so that the other health problems could appear?

Please reach out through finding your tribe section of this community to find some support. I wish I lived near you!

In my heart, I am bringing you a big tray of treats: cookies, chocolates etc. and a nice pot of coffee.

Big Internet hugs to you.
post #7 of 25

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I lived in Orange County, CA for awhile, but moved away in 2002.  I hope you can find people to help support you in your grief and just trying to live your life. hug2.gif

post #8 of 25

I am so sorry

post #9 of 25

i am so so sorry mama for you loss

post #10 of 25
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter as a newborn last year. Which I still can't even imagine losing a child I got to know and love. We are forever changed. I go back to that day daily.
post #11 of 25

I'm so sorry. 

post #12 of 25
I am so sorry for your loss.
post #13 of 25

I'm so sorry for your loss. I found my son dead (he was an infant) about a year ago, and the flashbacks have slowed down, but Im not sure if they will ever go away. I find that finding ways to compartmentalize my grief helps a lot- give yourself the space and time to grieve him and your loss and it makes the memories easier. I write a blog, spend tuesday mornings with him on my mind (that was the time I found him), every monthly anniversary I make plans to "have a bad day." 

 

::hugs:: No mama should have to go through this...

post #14 of 25
Thread Starter 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to all who replied.  I no longer feel quite as alone as I did before.

 

To Adeline's Mom:  What you had to say especially resonated with me and reassured me.  I will continue to have my monthly (more than monthly at this point) "bad days".  The flashbacks will probably keep coming and I have to realize that it does not mean that I am crazy!  I am just going through a process that no mama should ever have to go through and there is no manual for this!

 

 

  I have felt more support from this forum in the last few days than in the six months from my family of origin.  I want to keep bringing up Lukas and talk about him and share him with the world.  However, when with my mother or other extended family on holidays, if I bring him up at all others will just freeze and/or change the subject.

Anybody have ideas with how to cope with/respond to this?

post #15 of 25
I so sorry for the loss of your son. I wish I could be of more help to you.
post #16 of 25

there is really no way to know how to cope with it when i lost my first born dd 45 mins after she was born it was like she was never there no one and i mean no one want to talk about her not even my own husband would talk about her after we did her burial which was hard for me for a long time cause i could not vent to any one about how she look the way she smell nothing not no one would listen but one day i found a new man after my husband die that would listen to me talk about her and would go with me to see her he is my dh now and he loves me with all his heart and show me that every day since the loss of my dd me and him have also lost six baby to m/s which was hard but we know one day when are time on this earth is done we will see them again

post #17 of 25

I can't imagine the loss of a child, but I found my mother after she overdosed on prescription medication in January of 2012.  I absolutely understand the scene you described, and the pain you must have felt and still feel.  All my love to you.

post #18 of 25

I am so sorry for the son of your son, Lukas.

 

Susan, have you have a grief support group? Like a grief share? I think it would be helpful. I think you need to just talk to your family and let them know that although he was only 16, Lukas had a full life-- of course it was too short! But you need to talk about him, and remember him.

 

Your family members might change their expression because they are reacting to their concern for you-- and how sad it is, and people in our culture are not really good with grief. They don't know what to say... I would try to ask them to talk about your boy, and not just focus on his death.

 

Send you hugs, and please seek counseling or a grief share group. It has helped me a lot-- even just having a place to talk about my loved ones...
 

post #19 of 25
I was a teen when my cousin's oldest died. In her case, it was the result of a secondary infection following leukemia treatments. Anyway, the point is, her mother, my cousin, started to talk about her and got teary. After she said what she wanted, she thanked my parents for not changing the subject. My father admitted that he wanted to, to stop her hurt. She told him that the hurt was there, anyway, and it helped to let it out. My point is that maybe if you tell your family that you need to talk about it to release the hurt, they might stop changing the subject. Maybe they won't change, but it might be worth it to try explaining.
post #20 of 25

I'm so sorry mama. I do hope you continue to post here-- it's a wonderful, unique community that has helped me and quite a few others through tough times. I'll be sending prayers and healing thoughts your way.
 

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