November 8,2012 I came home to find my child naked on the couch.
Immediately I went to throw a blanket over him and then shake him as I thought he was asleep. What happened next was all a blur and so much happened all at once, time seemed to stand still at times and then race; and then other times I know I was screaming uncontrollably and so loudly because I thought it would wake me up from the nightmare.
As I was shaking him, I realized that he didn't look right (sort of gray and purple?, how do you describe that?). Then the awful fluids started coming out of his mouth at the same time I saw all the empty prescription pill bottles on the floor and then I really started screaming and called 911...
Don't want to talk about the rest of that night just yet.
The first couple weeks were a blur, then went into all the months of the "holidays" which I had a real hard time with.
I did a lot of "faking it to make it" especially around family members who don't seem to want to acknowledge Lukas and change the subject when I bring him up---whether I want to talk about sadness or happy memories.
I took two months off work (I am a Children's Social Worker believe it or not) just to get through the holidays.
Keeping busy, busy, busy with work and moving to a new place for the last few months helped me avoid a lot for the last few months. Then in mid March I found out more bad news about my own health. I have now just had a second major surgery on my left arm a week ago and will be off work again for awhile.
It is now about to be six months since November 8, 2012 and I still have flashbacks often of that night (especially triggered by lights and sirens, the sight of my prescription bottles---I now keep them in plastic bags, etc.)
So many things trigger many emotions...the music that he loved ( and that we loved together), all the scholarship offers that started coming in the mail during recent months (after many years of struggling in school, after I found the right school setting a few years ago, he was now thriving in school); he and I shared a passion for nature, politics and social justice issues.
The world lost a wonderful soul on November 8th.!
I am forever will changed...I know I will be ok, but forever changed. An empty nest was not supposed to happen this way!
I had been struggling with trying to find support that really felt supportive. Late last night I was having trouble sleeping from both physical pain in my arm but also the emotional pain and grief that I feel most deeply late at night. I suddenly remembered Mothering magazine which I had read religiously staring in late 80's when I was pregnant with my first child. I began subscribing when pregnant with my second in 1992. I then became involved in Mothering friends group in Orange County, . Sadly, life took another turn for me in 2000 when I became a single parent and had to suddenly move away from the area. I then lost touch with the people in this group and with Mothering magazine as I could no longer afford it as a single mother.
Last night, I discovered that although Mothering does not exist in print form anymore (sadly,) I did discover these forums.
I am really new to this, but am reaching out for support from anybody in this community..
Any help and support would be appreciated as it feels very lonely at times!