I had this motherhood thing all planned out. We moved across country while I was pregnant - all of my family and friends are 3000 miles away. I had that all planned out, too. Once my horribly isolating pregnancy was over (I was too tired or in pain to get out there and make friends), I'd strap my baby on and go explore! We were going to nurse wherever the wind carried us, she would nap happily in a carrier, and at night we'd co-sleep.
Now, I have this beautiful little 9 week old girl I'm so in love with, but she's just not into any of that. Breastfeeding has been difficult, she wants her own space, she's already in her own room (and sleeping much better because of it). She NEEDS her nap time - about 6 hours of it every day. If she doesn't get it, evenings are screamy and awful. If she DOES get it, evenings are peaceful and happy - making me feel horribly guilty any time she doesn't get it because I took her out that day.
You see, she'll only really nap in her crib. She'll doze on and off in a carrier (if I can talk her into one), car seat, or stroller. But it's not solid sleep, and by evening she's stressed out, overtired, and screaming. I feel so isolated. I haven't been able to get out and make any friends, and I'm totally unsupported when it comes to childcare, etc, except for DH. Just going out to buy food is a huge ordeal, since it takes longer than she can happily stay awake, and if I take her in the carrier she's miserable by the time we're done.
And DH is going away tomorrow, for a month. I honestly don't know what to do. He's my only human contact most days; the thought of not just losing my parenting partner and sweetheart, but also the only person I get to talk to, is overwhelming. I just want to get out there so badly, but how can I do it at LO's expense? At the same time, is it good for her if her mama's anxious and stressing out over every little thing because she's so isolated? Because I do get anxious, and fret over every little hiccup, to the point that I'm really not even enjoying BFing anymore. Feeding and sleep schedules look REALLY appealing when they mean there would at least be some times every day when I could get out of the house.
On top of it all, I feel bad for being unhappy when so many other mamas are battling much worse.
Well, if anyone's waded through this kvetch-fest, thank you for listening. Any pointers from those who've BTDT are greatly appreciated.