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My little boy is gone (warning: possibly triggering)

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
Most people probably wont feel sorry for me. At least thats what i imagine. I will share my story anyway because i need to get it off my chest in an anonymous environment.

He was 4, almost 5. He started showing signs of being sexually abused, acting out with my baby's father, acting out with the baby too. When my fiance suggested it could be his father abusing him, i immediately dismissed it. He wasnt capable of that! He's such a good guy! Not more than a week went by and the truth came out: his father has been molesting him for a long time, possibly a year or more. No wonder his father wanted to sleep next to him. I never suspected. My little boy had behavioral issues but i didnt know that was the cause. I figured i was just a bad mother. He shared what happened to him in a few heart-breaking sentences to me and my fiance. I was in immediate shock, dissociating. I had the presence of mind to call the police the same day that he told us what happened. I couldnt bear to let his father touch him ever again. I thought the police would listen to us and put an end to it. I was seen as vindictive right off the bat, maybe because the detective was jaded or just plain judgmental. I made a short video of him sharing what happened but since he was only 4 i had to keep asking questions. The detective said this cant be used in court because the questions were too leading. Little did i know this also meant as soon as he watched it he immediately dismissed us as having any validity. What a hurtful, despicable person. He didnt care to actually discover the truth, he just went by how things appeared on the surface. He did a basic polygraph test on his father, but it wasnt surprising that he passed since in hindsight he's been lying about who he is for years. They wanted me to still share custody with him. I couldnt believe it and i just couldnt do it. The police were completely unhelpful there, even CPS did very little. I knew i had to find someone who could help us. We moved to a larger city that would definitely have more resources. They didnt take us seriously since we had already opened a case in the other county. And now, on top of everything, i was seen as a criminal. A child abductor, of all things. How cruel and twisted is it to be sitting in the jail of the police station where i reported the abuse after we moved? They got the wrong parent. I was simply trying to help my son. No one would believe me. Oh, maybe he heard those things on TV. Maybe someone told him to say it (someone being me). Maybe i wanted to start a new life with my fiance and didnt want to deal with sharing custody with my son's father anymore. I was always friendly with my son's father, i had no malice towards him. Its only when i learned about the abuse that i was unwilling to "work with" him any longer. Nobody cared or took the time to figure out what was really going on. They knew they had control so they could twist it however they liked. I could not handle going through a trial. It was too expensive, too far and too stressful. I pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor so i would simply have probation, not jail time. They saw me as a criminal and i didnt have it in me to keep fighting. It took everything i had to move to a new place, continuing every day to try to get him help, listening to more and more of what happened as the story unraveled more and more. His father raped him, made him do horrible, nasty things, my little boy couldnt look me in the eye when he told me, he was so ashamed. I tried to help him understand that its not his fault but i had so little time. I encouraged him to tell what happened to CPS and the police, i told him that they are the ones who will protect him from his father, that even though we moved away that doesnt mean i can protect him forever. They failed him, they didnt listen, they thought we were lying. My scared little boy just did the bravest thing imaginable and he's lying?? Its so insane. He went back with his father when they arrested me. I never saw him again. That was a year and a half ago. Some might say i gave up too easily. They might be right. A friend of mine said i should move back up there so i can gain back my custody rights easier but i had no money, was in a lease, didnt have the energy to move again and, most importantly, i am incapable of kissing his father's ass for the sake of this corrupt justice system. Thats what my lawyer told me--if i "make nice" with his father, be civil and all that then i have a much higher chance of regaining a good amount of custody over time. This could take years. I just couldnt, i just cant, do it. The thought of doing that leaves me feeling so ill inside, theres just no way i can stoop to that level. It wouldnt really matter if i could anyway. He would still be mostly with his father, the abuse will keep on going, i cannot protect him. And if i cant protect him then i cannot be his mother. I would simply be some shadow figure, trying to give him love but knowing i am essentially worthless. What good is love if you cant protect your child from harm? Protection is primary, once you're safe then love makes a difference. My hippie friends dont understand that fully, they think i need to pour every ounce of my soul into that little boy because he "needs his mama". I breastfed him until he was 2 and a half but his father stroked his little penis regularly, which do you think had more of an effect? Its a lie that love is all you need, we need basic boundaries more. I hurt inside every day, i know he must be a bitter, angry little boy with no trust in adults to help him. You can hate me if you want to, you can see me as a bad mother, but i have done all i can.

I miss him, i miss his curls, i miss his smile and his dimples, i miss his mischievous, playful nature, i miss his activeness and curiosity. He probably hates me. I could not be who he needed me to be. I have failed him. Should i keep beating myself up for it?
post #2 of 12
No advice but I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. Your son and family are in my thoughts.
post #3 of 12
Thread Starter 
Thank you.
post #4 of 12

if i where you i would try and find him and see if you can get him some help he is older now maybe they will believe him now i am so  sorry for what you are going thru from a person that was abused as a kid he needs you to be as strong as you can and to not give up on hope he need his mommy to fight for him till there is no tomorrow once again i am so sorry for you and your son

post #5 of 12

I would get media involved. it sure would "motivate" the police and CPS to do their job.  


“Sometimes doing your best is not good enough. Sometimes you must do what is required.”
Winston Churchill

post #6 of 12

Go back and fight for your son.

post #7 of 12

It isn't about you.  You are the ONE person he has and you left?  When you are a parent, you come second.  In every situation, you come second.  Not first.  Who cares if you are strong enough!  Who cares if you feel like you can't take one more day!  You die trying!  You can't take it one more day?  Please.  Neither can your son.

post #8 of 12

I second the idea about going to the media. Could you speak to his teacher or counselors at his school? Ask about his behavior. Ask for their help or support in this? Really, I think you need to go back for your son no matter how effective your immediate fight is. I can't imagine the pain you are going through & the feelings of helplessness, but I can't imagine you will feel better not fighting, or away from him. Be smart, you know more about this flawed system now. Keep looking for different sources of help. Keep fighting. 

post #9 of 12
(((Hugs))) Your story is your most powerful tool. I would expose those who failed you as much as you can. So sad that they will harass a parent for a messy house but not protect a little boy from sexual abuse! I think our society has a really hard time accepting male on male abuse. I am so sorry!
post #10 of 12

I cannot imagine being away from any of my children, especially knowing they are in danger. I can only offer love and empathy and advice to go fight for him and do whatever it takes. You are his mama, and you should be a warrior and do everything that you can to save him. I personally wouldn't be able to sleep, eat, bathe...anything until I knew my child was safe. 


Good luck, and please please fight. 

post #11 of 12

I am so very sorry for you and your little boy. I promise that I do not judge you. 

I too would try to fight again, but sometimes you do not have the energy to fight.  

post #12 of 12

if you are in CT - this is a very common issue. i have so many friends going through exactly what you have gone through. many are bankrupt but they still dont have their kids.


you have to do whatever it takes to live. and figure out what you are going to do next. for all u know his dad might have brainwashed him so much that your son may not even want to see you.


in the meantime take care of yourself. there is a parent alienation support group on facebook. if you arent already on some support groups. 


it is easy to say fight for your child. with what? our legal system is so so so corrupt. plus you have a hard playing field. the mistake you made was doing it on your own so it was easier for them to prove you crazy. 


at the moment find ways to cope. 


i dont know what the future holds, but at least you need to make sure you are there to find out. 


lots and lots of hugs.

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