He was 4, almost 5. He started showing signs of being sexually abused, acting out with my baby's father, acting out with the baby too. When my fiance suggested it could be his father abusing him, i immediately dismissed it. He wasnt capable of that! He's such a good guy! Not more than a week went by and the truth came out: his father has been molesting him for a long time, possibly a year or more. No wonder his father wanted to sleep next to him. I never suspected. My little boy had behavioral issues but i didnt know that was the cause. I figured i was just a bad mother. He shared what happened to him in a few heart-breaking sentences to me and my fiance. I was in immediate shock, dissociating. I had the presence of mind to call the police the same day that he told us what happened. I couldnt bear to let his father touch him ever again. I thought the police would listen to us and put an end to it. I was seen as vindictive right off the bat, maybe because the detective was jaded or just plain judgmental. I made a short video of him sharing what happened but since he was only 4 i had to keep asking questions. The detective said this cant be used in court because the questions were too leading. Little did i know this also meant as soon as he watched it he immediately dismissed us as having any validity. What a hurtful, despicable person. He didnt care to actually discover the truth, he just went by how things appeared on the surface. He did a basic polygraph test on his father, but it wasnt surprising that he passed since in hindsight he's been lying about who he is for years. They wanted me to still share custody with him. I couldnt believe it and i just couldnt do it. The police were completely unhelpful there, even CPS did very little. I knew i had to find someone who could help us. We moved to a larger city that would definitely have more resources. They didnt take us seriously since we had already opened a case in the other county. And now, on top of everything, i was seen as a criminal. A child abductor, of all things. How cruel and twisted is it to be sitting in the jail of the police station where i reported the abuse after we moved? They got the wrong parent. I was simply trying to help my son. No one would believe me. Oh, maybe he heard those things on TV. Maybe someone told him to say it (someone being me). Maybe i wanted to start a new life with my fiance and didnt want to deal with sharing custody with my son's father anymore. I was always friendly with my son's father, i had no malice towards him. Its only when i learned about the abuse that i was unwilling to "work with" him any longer. Nobody cared or took the time to figure out what was really going on. They knew they had control so they could twist it however they liked. I could not handle going through a trial. It was too expensive, too far and too stressful. I pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor so i would simply have probation, not jail time. They saw me as a criminal and i didnt have it in me to keep fighting. It took everything i had to move to a new place, continuing every day to try to get him help, listening to more and more of what happened as the story unraveled more and more. His father raped him, made him do horrible, nasty things, my little boy couldnt look me in the eye when he told me, he was so ashamed. I tried to help him understand that its not his fault but i had so little time. I encouraged him to tell what happened to CPS and the police, i told him that they are the ones who will protect him from his father, that even though we moved away that doesnt mean i can protect him forever. They failed him, they didnt listen, they thought we were lying. My scared little boy just did the bravest thing imaginable and he's lying?? Its so insane. He went back with his father when they arrested me. I never saw him again. That was a year and a half ago. Some might say i gave up too easily. They might be right. A friend of mine said i should move back up there so i can gain back my custody rights easier but i had no money, was in a lease, didnt have the energy to move again and, most importantly, i am incapable of kissing his father's ass for the sake of this corrupt justice system. Thats what my lawyer told me--if i "make nice" with his father, be civil and all that then i have a much higher chance of regaining a good amount of custody over time. This could take years. I just couldnt, i just cant, do it. The thought of doing that leaves me feeling so ill inside, theres just no way i can stoop to that level. It wouldnt really matter if i could anyway. He would still be mostly with his father, the abuse will keep on going, i cannot protect him. And if i cant protect him then i cannot be his mother. I would simply be some shadow figure, trying to give him love but knowing i am essentially worthless. What good is love if you cant protect your child from harm? Protection is primary, once you're safe then love makes a difference. My hippie friends dont understand that fully, they think i need to pour every ounce of my soul into that little boy because he "needs his mama". I breastfed him until he was 2 and a half but his father stroked his little penis regularly, which do you think had more of an effect? Its a lie that love is all you need, we need basic boundaries more. I hurt inside every day, i know he must be a bitter, angry little boy with no trust in adults to help him. You can hate me if you want to, you can see me as a bad mother, but i have done all i can.
I miss him, i miss his curls, i miss his smile and his dimples, i miss his mischievous, playful nature, i miss his activeness and curiosity. He probably hates me. I could not be who he needed me to be. I have failed him. Should i keep beating myself up for it?