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My husband hates my daughterpost #1 of 325/4/13 at 11:07pmThread StarterI have been with my husband for 11 years and married for 6. We have 6 children, 3 months, 3, 9, 11, 13 and 15. The oldest 2 are from previous relationships. When I met my husband my daughter who is now 15 was 3. He has always been hard on her as she was a ratbag, but as the years have gone on his attitude towards her has gotten worse. They hate each other! They are both strong willed. He picks at everything she does, calls her bad names and swears a lot at her. They just scream at each other constantly. It's really getting to me. He treats my 13 yr old son better most of the time but I just put it down to being a boy. He lets his other kids get away with everything. He also can't hold a job, lives in his shed, drinks a lot, smokes a lot, and only comes inside at night to tell the kids off or get our 3yr old in/out if the bath. We haven't been getting along well lately, and hasn't shown me any effection for about 7 weeks now. We have had sex once in about 4 months. I'm not attracted to him anymore but I can't bring myself to leave because of the other 4 kids. Especially our 3 month old girl. I'm miserable all the time. Should I wait until my daughter is older to leave? Should I leave?post #2 of 325/6/13 at 11:46pm
I feel that my sister's husband was very hard on my niece who was not his step daughter. It was very frustrating to watch, but he was not abusive, at least. I think you know best what you need to do. It may be to leave, it may be to see if there are other options that can repair the relationships. At this point, though, it sounds like you need to do something.post #3 of 325/7/13 at 2:52pmpost #4 of 325/7/13 at 3:36pmpost #5 of 325/7/13 at 7:38pmThread StarterWell when I met my husband I was a single mother of two. I was having trouble controlling my 3 yr old daughter at the time, obviously it was just her age, just being naughty, so my husband was hard on her from the beginning. The main problems started when she was about 10 and started answering back etc then the pre teens. She is just very strong willed and stubborn, and my husband is too. He just doesn't handle it the right way. Swearing and yelling and picking over the years has made her dislike him so she retaliates and yells and swears back. I've told my husband many times that his way is the wrong way but we end up fighting because I'm apparently sticking up for her and not backing him up. I've caught my daughter crying in her room many times because of him so I am very defensive. I've just had enough of it all. I just feel bad leaving because our youngest two children are only 3 and 3 months old.post #6 of 325/8/13 at 8:54ampost #7 of 325/8/13 at 9:08ampost #8 of 325/8/13 at 9:10am
Have you thought of family counselling? Since you still have 4 younger kids, it would really benefit them to have both parents in the same home if everyone can find a way to function as a family.
It sounds like he lives in his shed and drinks because it's too stressful to be inside the house, I know that sounds like victim blaming, but if that's the reason he does it, it might be an idea to address the cause and see if that helps. Family counselling can help everyone learn to "fight fair" and offers problem solving tactics so disagreements can actually be solved, not just continue until someone starts crying or drinking.
He might feel just as trapped as you do. If he hates his life the way it is now, what options does he have? Leave you with 6 kids or sit in a shed and drink? The third option is obviously to behave like an adult and find a way to solve the problem going on in the house, but if he doesn't have the tools to do that, you have to seek help so everyone in the family can live together peacefully.post #9 of 325/8/13 at 9:14am
Welcome to MDC. Boy, you sure jumped right in with a controversial post, didn't you? That always makes me wonder. I can't imagine making a bunch of kids with someone who treated one of my children that way.
In any case, you say you feel bad for leaving. Yes, leaving will feel bad, but if it's the right thing to do, you do it anyway.post #10 of 325/8/13 at 11:17amQuote:Originally Posted by sadkath
Well when I met my husband I was a single mother of two. I was having trouble controlling my 3 yr old daughter at the time, obviously it was just her age, just being naughty, so my husband was hard on her from the beginning. The main problems started when she was about 10 and started answering back etc then the pre teens. She is just very strong willed and stubborn, and my husband is too. He just doesn't handle it the right way. Swearing and yelling and picking over the years has made her dislike him so she retaliates and yells and swears back. I've told my husband many times that his way is the wrong way but we end up fighting because I'm apparently sticking up for her and not backing him up. I've caught my daughter crying in her room many times because of him so I am very defensive. I've just had enough of it all. I just feel bad leaving because our youngest two children are only 3 and 3 months old.
Scuse me? You're her mama, sticking up for her is your job! You've allowed the picking and swearing and yelling to go on all these years, no wonder she hates him. Where is her biological father? Does he see her?post #11 of 325/8/13 at 3:56pmpost #12 of 325/8/13 at 4:03pmpost #13 of 325/8/13 at 4:15pmpost #14 of 325/8/13 at 5:16pmIts not your daughter's fault that she's strong-willed and she is definitely not a "rat bag" (i'm not sure what that means but its disturbing you say it so automatically--maybe you've been listening to him for too long?). Shes a little girl who needs love and understanding, not verbal abuse. It sounds like you are attached to your husband to the point of being blind to how messed up he is, which is detrimental to your kids (especially your oldest daughter). You need to either have him get counseling or leave him. You should have done this years ago, but whatever its never too late to do the right thing.post #15 of 325/8/13 at 5:42pmI'm wondering if people are taking into consideration that by leaving him, depending on the custody arrangements, you may be forced to leave an infant, a toddler and two young kids unsupervised with a man who drinks in a shed all day and in addition to that, have absolutely no control over what kind of women he associates with in the future?
No one here knows your situation. Please don't take advice from random strangers on the Internet. Do what is best for your kids.post #16 of 325/8/13 at 6:02pmI'm sorry, but the second he started picking on my three year-old, whether she was a "rat-bag" or not, I would've been out the door so fast he wouldn't have seen me for my con trail. She is your daughter, and she's still just a little girl, SHE is the one who needs your support. Your husband is a grown-up, (and I use that term very, very loosely) he can stand on his own two feet; it's time for you to step up and be the mom and do what is best for your kids-ALL of them.
And just for the record, I have two very strong-willed children who do occasionally act like jungle creatures; they're worth more to me than any relationship, and no man is EVER going to come between me and them.post #17 of 325/8/13 at 6:04pm
(referring to the post that says...take into consideration that if she leaves him, custody arrangements will likely leave the kids with him when he is unfit to care for children) If that is the case, shouldn't she get full custody? Perhaps she can talk to an attorney? Can't they talk to the judge...can't the judge pull the daughter aside and get her side of the story? I guess there's no proof and it's her word against his, so I can see where this gets difficult.
If they do separate and he has partial custody, the wife can call child services anonymously...they can pop in unexpectedly and keep tabs on him. If they catch him smoking and drinking alone in a shed when the kids are left to fend for themselves, perhaps that will be enough for the mom to get full custody. It seems like he is unfit, but not necessarily mean to his younger "biological" kids. Maybe a good scare from child services will straighten him out, and if not, oh well...at least the kids will be put in a safer environment full time.
Who knows, with all his issues, he may just cave and give her custody of all the kids. Sounds like he'd rather be alone then deal with kids.
If they split, I don't think the state could force her to give him partial custody of the daughter he mentally abused all these years, since she is not biological (unless there was an adoption..but I doubt it).
Perhaps you and your daughter should go to counseling....him too, but maybe by himself...not as a part of your family. Seems like you need to just focus on repairing your relationship with her.
Edited by jmarroq - 5/8/13 at 6:36pmpost #18 of 325/8/13 at 6:41pmpost #19 of 325/8/13 at 9:10pmQuote:
Good point. Unless he rents a home that is big enough for all the kids i highly doubt he'll get visitation rights. Even if he somehow manages to do that, he will need to get treatment for his alcoholism in order to keep a job. In that case, he'll be in a much better place which makes taking care of kids a lot easier. Theres also a good possibility he wont want to take care of the kids since he already does so little. I dont think that should be a deterrent, the OP should follow her heart and do what she feels is best.post #20 of 325/10/13 at 6:14am
Your children are important, you are their advocate. YOU are who they should be able to turn to when they are being bullied. You are in a very inappropriate situation. Your DH's treatment of the whole family is not ok. NOT OK AT ALL. This is not just about your DH disliking your daughter. This is about how you are allowing your children to be verbally abused.
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