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My husband hates my daughter - Page 2post #21 of 355/10/13 at 8:07pmThread StarterMy husband doesn't literally live in the shed, but he does stay out there all day and most the night. He doesn't help with house work or anything either. Atm he has odd jobs here and there but he doesn't have a steady permanent job. It's so hard to keep up with the bills and the kids miss out on a lot. I'm just sick of doing everything and being in the house alone (meaning no adult conversation) everyday, and lately, having no effection. Family life has been getting to me for a few years now but over the last few months I've never been so depressed in my whole life.post #22 of 355/10/13 at 8:22pmpost #23 of 355/10/13 at 9:13pmThread Starterpost #24 of 355/10/13 at 10:36pmpost #25 of 355/15/13 at 12:34pmpost #26 of 355/15/13 at 12:51pm
I don't know where the OP is from but "ratbag" is a common word, where I'm from, to use about kids who are being a bit naughty but you love them. If anything it's an affectionate term. Everyone needs to chill out.
to the OP: you keep talking about your younger children as being a reason not to leave. I know it's hard with younger children it really sounds like your family is dysfunctional and that's got to be bad for them anyway.post #27 of 355/16/13 at 11:34am
I agree with most of everyone's responses above. And as an example, a cousin who I grew up with- we were very close as children- had a stepdad who entered her life around the same time, and her mother and stepdad had another child together. The stepdad treated her just like you are describing- and treated his own son well. Guess what? She perposfully got pregnant at 17 to get out of his house. She had a difficult relationship with her mom at the time because her mom wouldn't stick up for her. she has had on and off pill and drinking habits, eating disorders in her teens, bad relationships with men, and diagnosed with a few different mental health issues as adult, stemming from her childhood and teens! Her brother? He's fine... except, he doesn't treat women (girlfriends) well all the time. Hmm. He is very close and protective of his sister in adulthood, as well as his mother and female cousins (including myself). Interesting turnout, huh?
So... If you think this isn't going to effect your DD for the long term, think again. she will carry it for the rest of her life. The best thing you can do? End it now. Whether that means giving him an ultimatum, getting counselling, or leaving. It is not only hurting your DD, it is hurting all of your other children to witness it and seeing you stand by. You say he has been this way since day 1, and with a young child- an adult can learn some self control. a Positive, healthy relationship does not grow out of constant conflict. An adult does not get to have the excuse of "being stubborn". Adults should absolutely know better, and to know not to pick on children. Your DD acts the way she does because he provokes it, and you allow it to continue. It will only get worse. PLEASE do something. You will be giving a gift to yourself and your children. Show your daughter how to be a strong, compassionate, and self-respecting young woman. Allow yourself to embody that as well.
I got with my DH when my boys were 2 & 3 (nearly 3 & 4). They had a lot of difficult behaviors at the time- My oldest has severe autism, is very willful, etc. You know WHY I fell so hard for my DH, let him into my children's lives, and let (LET, you are in control of this) him be a coparent to them? Because he treats my children wonderfully, like they were his own. He deals constructively with my children's behaviors and conflicts. He communicates with me about any trouble or stress he is having with it. We work together to ensure all of our children (he has another child and we have a baby together) are treated as equally as possible and with love and respect. Things can get CRAZY in a house with four boys, one on the spectrum! We get stressed out, we get close to losing it, we get irritated and struggle. But we never, ever treat any of the kids like you describe your DH treating your daughter. It is absolutely possible to step parent or parent a "difficult" or "stubborn" child without the parent being an antagonist. And it is totally possible to have a healthy parenting situation and relationship with your child as a single mother.post #28 of 355/16/13 at 1:41pm
And as other's have said- your children ARE the reason to leave- My ex constantly held "the kids" as a reason we needed to stay together- that it would be worse for them in "broken homes".Total B.S. But I bought into it for nearly 5 years! I "stayed for the kids". I have friends who's parents stayed together for that reason alone and divorced when they got out of HS. Were the kids surprised at that point? No. and they resented their parents for staying together in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship. I left FOR my kids. And it was the best choice I ever made for them. I treated my depression, I got my life back, and my children now have the opportunity to see what healthy, happy parents, childhoods, and relationships look like. My children were young like your youngest are when i left, and they don't even remember life when their dad and I were together. My DSS doesn't remember much. I have a feeling your Oldest will appreciate the advocacy and freedom from that bullying. If you do leave, I suggest you and DD get counselling together so you can rebuild trust and such- or else sho could keep acting out because of your history/ old hurts.post #29 of 356/2/13 at 6:52pm
I left my ex when my oldest son was almost 5 and my twin boys were just turned 3. He was much like your husband but he had a good job. He was an alcoholic, who spent all his time home drinking in the basement. He rarely interacted with the kids and did nothing around the house. When I left him, life was better because I had been doing everything for the kids and around the house, but it was better because I didn't have him to deal with. He kept most of the money for himself, so the financial picture was much the same after I left.
I would have lived in a shoe box if I had to, in order to get my kids away from such a dysfunctional situation. Now the boys are 25 and 23 and are wonderful people - better adjusted than some kids from a home with 2 parents. We had a lot of years with little money but I found it easy to be creative, with the mental stress gone. If you feel that you should stay for the younger children, my advice is to leave now when the kids are so young. It makes their life easier than leaving when they are older.
As far as your oldest daughter. My heart breaks for her. Please, she is headed for some serious emotional problems if you don't stand up for her. I know it is hard to leave an abusive situation but there are agencies out there that can help you.post #30 of 356/2/13 at 7:20pmpost #31 of 356/5/13 at 2:39pm
You'll have to look into custody because, of course, you don't want to leave your babies with him alone, especially if the youngest is still nursing. If you can work out an arrangement where you can keep the children full time, leave this abusive man.
For now, while you're working it out, don't feel bad about taking your daughter's side in an argument! She is your little girl and she needs you to stand up for her; that is what mammas are for. If you hear more yelling, you say, "This ends now. No one talks to my daughter like this, ever again." It doesn't matter if she's been yelling too. She is the child, and he is the adult, and he should be able to control himself and act rationally.post #32 of 356/28/13 at 1:11ampost #33 of 351/6/14 at 5:41ampost #34 of 351/6/14 at 5:53am
In north America if you called your kid a ratbag you would basically be calling them the dirt of the earth hence why people are probably getting a bit defensive about it. I hope you have figured out a solution to the problems between you and your daughter and husband. blending a family can be extremely difficult. It takes a lot of hard work sometimes. And in your situation specifically I would try counselling of you, him and your daughter together and you and him separately before making a final decision to walk away.post #35 of 351/24/14 at 2:43amQuote:Quote:Originally Posted by PrimordialMind
Good point. Unless he rents a home that is big enough for all the kids i highly doubt he'll get visitation rights. Even if he somehow manages to do that, he will need to get treatment for his alcoholism in order to keep a job. In that case, he'll be in a much better place which makes taking care of kids a lot easier. Theres also a good possibility he wont want to take care of the kids since he already does so little. I dont think that should be a deterrent, the OP should follow her heart and do what she feels is best.I realize these were posted 8 months ago, but since this discussion still shows up among recent posts and other troubled moms thinking about leaving may be reading it, I'll comment.
I don't necessarily condone staying in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship with a man who's contributing nothing positive, even financially - if that is indeed the OP's situation and not just an exaggerated vent, on a day she was feeling especially negative and hopeless (she had given birth, just 3 months before posting). But Escaping's point is still well-taken: before leaving her husband, a mother should consider what her children's circumstances will be, during visitation with their father, without her around.
One can not assume that simply because something's true - or because a reasonable person thinks something would be best for a child - that visitation orders will be crafted around it! Parents have a right to access to their children and it's intentionally difficult to limit or deny that right.
* Irresponsible, abusive or alcoholic parents rarely see themselves that way, much less acknowledge to a judge that's how they are.
* There are hair and nail tests to show patterns of alcohol usage - but they're not 100% reliable and are still easy for an attorney to have thrown out of court.
* Kids may know what's going on, but it's rotten to make them testify against a parent; and pushing for that can make you look like an alienator.
* A parent who feels he's being accused or criticized in court is likely to hurl accusations and criticisms at the other parent - valid or not - making it hard for the judge to know the truth.
* Witnesses who could help a judge sort out the truth may seem to be in one parent's camp, or have an axe to grind, so the judge may not put much stock in their testimony.
* The most neutral and credible witnesses may be reluctant to testify, because they don't want to be caught in the middle. And written statements (from people you can't get on the stand) are just useless hearsay.
* A judge can solicit a custody evaluator's recommendation, but isn't required to follow it.
My step-son's mother got sole custody, while living in a studio apartment with only one bed (he was 8), against the strongly-worded advice of a prominent, court-ordered custody evaluator. Later, my step-son came to live with us, but his mom still has always had visitation, despite continuing to provide inadequate space; having her boyfriend spend the night (pretty inappropriate, when my step-son was still sleeping in her bed...); leaving her kid at home alone while she worked; smoking indoors despite her kid having asthma; and reportedly abusing prescription drugs and alcohol, passing out every night and again leaving her kid unsupervised. Her boyfriend's statements of concern for my step-son's safety were irrelevant. He broke up with the mother, over this stuff, making him an ex-boyfriend who might have an axe to grind.
Messy break-ups can easily fail to get resolved in the way the "better parent" thinks they should. It's safest to operate under the assumption that your ex will have visitation, unless/until you actually effect something different.
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