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Queer parents - Page 22

post #421 of 577

Seraf-I'm so sorry to hear about your separation.  I hope you are all adjusting as well as you can to the new situation.  It's tough.


starling-I agree with you about how important these forums have been to me, and I am sad it's been less active.  I have to go eat my dinner now, but I will be back later.


Hugs to everyone!  :grouphug

post #422 of 577
Hi all! I have been following along but have been lazy about posting since i find it to be such a pain from my phone! I always read this forum while nursing Wylie to sleep in the dark.

Seraf, I'm sorry to hear about the separation. Do you guys have good support out there? I imagine that must be tough with a house full of kiddos. Are you guys planning to keep living together long term?
post #423 of 577
Seraf--again, I'm sorry to hear the news.

Starling--I think part of it is cyclical (as in, people get busy and then unbusy again). I also wonder if part of it is having 'parents' separated from 'pregnant'. I know that it felt like an abrupt switch to me to go from the Q&P board to the parenting one, since everyone there seemed so far ahead of me and I was still so new to parenting. Maybe recombining them again is a good idea? It would be nice to have fewer threads to keep up with.

Things here are going well. I'm pretty far into the first trimester tiredness, and getting some nausea, which is even less fun than I remember it being when I just had two dogs to entertain. DP and I are trying to decide if we should do some sort of cutesy announcement that we're having twins, since it will be time to let people know right around Christmas card season.
post #424 of 577
Thread Starter 
Isa, I didn't even know you were pregnant! Twins? Clearly I should read in the other thread, too. I separated them because someone complained?

I'm ok. Sara is having a harder time.
post #425 of 577
I, like planet, read along here while nursing. I've never posted on this specific thread because I'm still a little overwhelmed, at 5 weeks into being a parent. Isa, I'm sorry you don't like the boards separate. I was one who had suggested this change a few months back because the combined board was so active it was very hard to keep up. Plus, as a pregnant mama, it was really overwhelming to me (and I think some others) to read about parenting struggles when we were just trying to survive pregnancy. I had really enjoyed the specific focus of the TTC thread and I felt very lost when I first came over to the combined QP&P thread. Just my opinion.

I would like to "join" here and my hope is that I'll be more active as we emerge from "survival mode".
post #426 of 577
Hi All,

I'm absolutely in favor of helping this thread to be more active.

Sphinxy: It's great to hear from you! WOW on five weeks! What are the great parts and the challenges so far?

Isa: I'm sorry you're having the crappy first trimester experience again. I think a twin-themed christmas card sounds delightful. If you do it I hope you'll post it somewhere where I can se it!

Hi to everyone else!

I feel like I don't have much news to report. Our two-year-old is funny and sweet (most of the time). We have a baby due in a week, which I guess means soon we'll have a newborn, but it still feels pretty far away. Thanksgiving is coming for those of us in the US!
post #427 of 577
Seraf, sending hugs.

Isa, WOOHOO! MORE TWINS! mrsandmrs and Bigfoot and I are here as your welcome committee.smile.gif

I'm too busy to post much, but I try to read along. Babies are 7 months old(!?!), and doing well. Big kid is rocking kindergarten, and DP and I are insanely busy but happy. Some pics-

Pride outfits:



DD in her Halloween costume (a fairy, obvs):
post #428 of 577

@seraf, i'm sorry to hear about that. i hope everyone adjusts as smoothly as possible. 


@prettyisa! WELCOME TO THE TWIN CLUB!  we were due for another set. 


@Sphinxy, welcome over here. congrats on surviving the first 5 weeks. things really do get a lot better.


I also avidly read along but rarely have time to post on account of I spend most of my time taking care of three month old twins. (I mean, the breastfeeding alone is many hours of my day.) Also, I prefer to share personal details behind the password-protected/slightly more private wall of facebook.  


M&O are sleeping a little better (knocking on all the wood) and giving lots of adorable smiles and squeals. They noticed each other recently, which has been the source of infinite entertainment for both us and them. predictably, they love their big brother more than pretty much anyone else except each other.  It is very cute. Here's a photo of them from a couple weeks ago. They are babies instead of tiny bird people now! 


Edited by mrsandmrs - 11/17/13 at 10:19pm
post #429 of 577

Hi all,

Looks like I'm joining the reading-MDC-while-nursing-at-midnight club... We welcomed our son Z into the world this past Thursday morning, and he's fantastic. I'll write up & post the full birth story soon! The short version is that I was 41 weeks on Tuesday and had my first contractions that night at about midnight, which came on strong enough to stop me from sleeping; 24 hours later, I was getting totally overwhelmed by their intensity, climbed into the birthing pool in our living room at about 3 am, realized that I was starting to want to push at 5 am, had DP call the midwives, they arrived at 6 am and confirmed that I was completely effaced & dilated, and then finally out popped Z at 8:01 am PST. He weighed 9 lbs 4 oz and was 22 1/4" long... I had no idea he would be so big! And glad my midwives didn't tell me ahead of time, though they tell me now that they suspected from our last couple of appointments that he might be larger than average... I think it would have scared me. As it was, the birth was both great, in that it was an incredibly intense experience that I appreciate having been able to have had, and also awful, in that it was excruciating and terrifying and exhausting. I'm glad I did it, but I don't know that I'd make that choice again... Birthing at home was so wonderful, and I adore my midwives, yet some kind of pain relief would have been very welcome. My reflections on birth aside, here's the most important thing of all: We have this gorgeous baby!



I'm happy to be joining this thread, though would also be totally fine if we recombined with Q&Pregnant... Actually, I think it'll soon be pretty lonely over there if we don't, because there's only been a handful of BFPs recently! Maybe a new thread for December? And speaking of BFPs, congrants @prettyisa on the twins!!!


Wow, there's so much here to catch up on... I need to go back and read a bit. For now though I just wanna say that @seraf, I too am sorry to hear about your break-up & hope you've got the support you need IRL & online... We're here for you.

post #430 of 577
Thread Starter 
Granite! He's giant! Shay was a big boy, but an inche shorter and a quarter pound lighter! That's awesome!

Mrs, it's awesome that they noticed each other. I love the way babies love their siblings so much.

Tigers, holy crap, they are cute. Are you sleeping yet?

Escher, I'm so excite for y'all! A due date baby would be super cool...

I'm good. My boys are huge. Still not STTN. They were up at midnight and 5:30 last night. They mostly sleep with me but if S wakes to nurse and I turn him down, he'll just go to Sara's room. S is 32 pounds 9 ounces and over 3 feet tall. He's sweet and funny and says please and thank you! *swoon* he and DD have a club called the AS club. S2 can't join for obvious spelling reasons. S2 is 24 pounds and thinks O hung the moon and O is way more patient with him than the other kids. It's sweet and adorable how in love they are with each other.
post #431 of 577

Hi everyone,


I still read her when I can and think about you all. Seraf - I am sorry to hear about your separation. I'm thinking about all of you :(


I can't believe your twins are already 7 months knitting! They are beautiful. So are Mrs and mrs. Man - we make beautiful children round here!


granite - that is honestly the most blissful looking newborn photo. Welcome little Z!


Escher - I can't wait to hear about your little one :)


things are going well here. Z is 4 and a half and is going to French school 4 days a week. She is loving it. We keep her home one day a week for some hang out time and that has been great. It was an adjustment getting used to waking kids up and getting her to school on time. We are a stay at home family. I literally had never woken my kids up before. They were used to sleeping until they got up on their own. And being dressed and presentable before 8am? sheesh. anyways we are into the groove now :)


sage is 20 months. she is talking up a storm and has been diaperless (though definitely not accidentless) since 18 months. She just decided to up and stop wearing diapers. I guess not surprising because this was the baby that taught me to EC her as an infant. She is relentless in her goal to grow as fast as possible.


DP and I are starting to talk about a third and probably last babe in our home. I am having some nerve issues in my abdomen that I'm trying to heal so I can carry. DP doesn't want to carry so much, but would if needed. (she carried z, I carried s). I'm hopeful that it will happen. I feel like there is another little person out there for our family - and excited to be pregnant again and birth again if it all works out. though, tonight sage sat up at the table for the first time and it felt right - the 4 of us. So who knows.


It is snowing her for the first time in earnest. I am not a huge fan of long winters but I do love the first month of flaky beautiful snow.

post #432 of 577
Why yes, it is again the middle of the night, and I'm again here reading MDC & nursing... This really is a whole new world. Or schedule. Or something.

@onemommyonemama I love that you'd never had to get your kids up in the morning until recently... Sounds lovely! Exciting to be thinking of another baby, too. What would your timeline be, pending a healthy abdomen? Also, my sister lives in your city, & mentioned the snow today... Jealous!

@seraf I love hearing about your kids & their relationships with each other! AS club sounds adorable... And wow, S is amazingly big!

Gorgeous babies, @mrsandmrs! No, not bird people at all, LOL... I hear you on the privacy thing, about posting here vs. on FB. It's a bit overwhelming, that anyone can read this. However, sometimes I'd rather share on MDC because I don't feel like I know many of the active folks in the FB group... And I prefer the MDC interface, with easy to follow threads... But yeah. Conflicted.

I love your DD's facial expression, @KnittingTigers! How does she like being a big sister? And the twins in their Pride outfits are absolutely perfect.

@escher, best of luck for a happy & healthy birthing!

Waving hello through the post-partum haze, @Sphinxy! I hear you on "survival mode"... I'm so grateful for any moment when things seem to be actually flowing well. Example: Right now Z is well-latched, I've remembered to fill my water bottle & put it next to my nursing chair, and I have my phone here in my hand... Lol. What will coming out of survival mode look like for you?

I also vote for a cutesy holiday card twins announcement, @prettyisa!!! Do it!!! We never send holiday cards usually, but this year we're going to have some printed with pics of Z & use them as combo Happy Solstice/thank-yous. Babies are great excuses for snail mail!

As for me, the post-partum period is going well as can be expected. My mother in law is staying with us for several days, and it's bringing up a lot of stuff for DP and I. It was worse this past weekend, when my boor of a FIL was here as well & basically reaffirming the patriarchy in his every word & action. That led to me crying (alone with DP) about all the gender policing bullshit our son will be having to cope with... I'm sure I'd have similar feelings if he were female, but at least then I wouldn't hafta deal with FIL telling us what our kid *will* be like, simply cuz he's male.

Now FIL's gone, and MIL's driving me a different kind of crazy, by constantly talking about the dangers & risks of everything under the sun. My first go at carrying Z in the ring sling (which is totally rad, BTW! Babywearing FTW!) nearly gave her a heart attack, I swear. She couldn't believe he wasn't going to smother, or get cold, or fall out. I understand having anxiety problems, really I do, but that's why I go to therapy... And all her constant worry is totally stressing me out, and pulling at my hard-won sense of calm around being a new parent. DP's coping with her own variations on these themes as well... Blech. We're so glad her parents care enough about Z to fly across the country to see him... And so glad it'll be just the 3 of us after Thursday!
post #433 of 577
@granite - good question. I don't know what it will look like. I suppose it will involve feeling a little less desperate for sleep. I've actually been feeling kind of defeated these last couple days, like I'm not going to be able to do this. W woke to nurse at 5:15am, which is starting to be approximately typical. This will take anywhere from 20-60 minutes. When I go back to work in early January, I would typically wake up at 6:30. Well, given this nursing session, why would I bother trying to go back to sleep? So what, that's it? I got three hours sleep between the first two nursing sessions, and two hours between the second two - would I just be up now? How in the world can I survive on a broken five hours of sleep, five days a week once I go back?

Well, he's done so I'm going to try to sleep again. I'll try to write more to others later. That's all for now.
post #434 of 577

sphinxy - You can do this! you are doing it :) you just need some more sleep to feel human. sleep as much as you can during the day and go to bed earlier if you can. You will figure this out in January - but that is a ways off and babe will likely change habits by then.


I nursed sage in bed. we co-slept. It took some work to figure out how to latch laying down (for both of us) but it was the golden ticket for me and sleep. WHen she woke it took moments to latch her and we both went back to sleep. many days I woke up feeling rested not recalling how many times I had woken. Co sleeping aint for everyone, I totally respect that. But it might be worth trying because I ended up loving it and it truly helped me sleep longer chunks and more in the night.


Another thing I swear by for me - I don't have visible clocks in the room. If I don't know when and how long I was awake - it truly helps. I don't feel as anxious and I wake up feeling much more rested.


but above all - I found these things that worked for me and you will find the things that work for you :)


granite! that is exciting that your sister lives here! cool!

post #435 of 577
Escher: a week! OMG! How are you all feeling? I had totally lost track of time!

Knitting and Mrs--thanks for the welcome! smile.gif Your babies are so snuggly and wonderful! I am especially fond of the pride outfits, Knitting!

OMOM--I am jealous of your diaper-free youngun! E is just starting to wear underpants around the house, but she's not great at using the potty yet. That said, this weekend we had several successful goes, so maybe we're heading in the right direction, at least. On Sunday we were out to dinner at a kind of fancy place with some friends who are definitely a little vintage-eclectic in their style. Their daughter is a year older than E and the girls LOVE each other--hugging and giggling and playing with their food and trying to get out of their chairs so they can run free. Some lady who had been staring at us finally apologized and said that she didn't mean to stare, but that we should make ALL the children! Which I thought was really funny, since usually I expect people to think lesbians and other weirdos should not have kids at all. It was a very pleasant surprise!

Granite--do it! I love holiday cards! My poor DP hates them (and family photo shoots and anything that strikes her as being too pretentious.) Poor thing--I make her do all of it anyway. It's dumb not to have decent family photos because you're afraid someone might interpret their existence as you thinking too highly of yourself. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of the hard emotions postpartum. It's a really rough time--I remember that we got super angry at a couple of friends who would not let up on variations of where E was going to go to college and how we must just lovelovelove her to death! We were still feeling overwhelmed and stabilizing, and weren't ready to be gushy about her yet. I also developed a theory that my stepmom was trying to steal the baby, and had to deal with all kinds of unresolved, buried mommy issues with my own mom. It was a roller-coaster, to be sure! Try to just get through it as diplomatically as possible, and you'll probably find most of it drop away in the next few months as you get more sure of yourselves as a family, and parental opinions don't feel so powerful. I think it's something about being vulnerable and having the most important people in your life (at least at one time, when you were probably last this vulnerable) saying things that now feel threatening or offensive. They don't mean to do it--they just have no idea how strongly it might affect you.

Sphynxy--what OMOM said! Things will probably change some, and also, you just do. It's hard, but possible, and you'll make your way through it. Even if it means you are in bed by 8pm for a while--it won't last forever, or even for more than a few months. The best part about babies is that they change, so even when it's terrible, you can tell yourself that it's temporary. I can't co-sleep generally, but I did find that when E was a little bigger (3 months? 4?) I could do a dozing side-nursing thing like OMOM describes that was MUCH better than sitting up in bed trying to concentrate.
post #436 of 577
@Sphinxy OMG I'm feeling your pain this morning... Last night was EPIC. I don't think I slept for more than 20 minutes at a time... Though like @onemommyonemama suggested, I avoid clocks at night so that I can't know how much sleep I'm missing exactly (it *is* comforting!). Z is already amazingly good at side-lying nursing, for which I'm grateful, but co-sleeping in our main bed doesn't work because there's also a dog and two cats (which is a whole 'nother issue for me!). On previous nights when Z was cluster feeding, I'd taken him into the other bedroom, which is pet-free... He'd still nurse for hours on end, but then settle down & sleep next to me. But MIL is in that room right now, so I tried getting up to nurse instead and also co-sleeping on one side of a pillow barricade to keep the pets away... Neither of which ended up working very well. Z just couldn't settle, I couldn't relax, and I'm exhausted. Of course, he's fast asleep now... DP will try to keep him that way, & I'm going back to bed.

I'm really into what y'all have said about babies changing fast... That's what I'm holding onto...!
post #437 of 577

Hi all - It's been a while, but I had a question and figured no better place than here for this discussion.  I'm trying to go back through the threads to catch up on you all, but so much has happened since I last read.  Congrats on all the new babies!


So I'm wondering how people deal with the line between your child's genetics being his story that he should own and seeming like you are hiding that history.  I was thinking about it today because my coworkers ALWAYS say how much N looks like me.  He's only 5 months, so he doesn't understand, and obviously he doesn't know (or have a concept of) that he's not my biological son.  So I just smile and go with it.  But at some point he'll hear comments (assuming he still looks like me, but there are other ways that people communicate the assumption), and if I don't correct people, I'm afraid he'll think I'm ashamed or something.  But I'm not out most places (like work), plus it's his business to tell or not tell whoever he wants.  Thoughts?  Obviously this is more relevant if you are trans or have a trans partner, but I thought a queer space would be more thoughtful about these issues in general.  Sometimes straight parent friends are just... too straight.  


Anyway, since it's been so long, here's N for your enjoyment.  He's 5 months now, but this picture is from about 4 months.


post #438 of 577
I was also one of the people who was ok with separating the threads. It was kind of overwhelming to keep up with everyone while I was pregnant. I didn't feel like I could really give much input on toddler issues when I didn't have a newborn yet. I'm totally cool with combining them again. I think it is really helpful to have us all together where we can talk about all the parenting issues. Hearing from people who were already parents while I was pregnant was invaluable.

escher-I hope you are all enjoying the last days of pregnancy and that your new baby arrives when it's ready and that the labor and birth are as great as can be.

knitting and mrs-Loving all the twin pictures! They look so wonderful! I hope you are getting a little rest. They are growing up so fast.

prettyisa-Congratulations on the twins (if I didn't already say so)! Has the shock worn off yet?

granite-Congratulations again on your beautiful big baby! That face is like butter! Thank you for sharing your reflections on your birth experience. Birth is incredibly intense and you don't really know how it will feel until you are in it. I think the most important thing is to feel good about your choices you make no matter what they are. I hope you are surviving ok. Hang in there! Things will change. Having family visit is tough especially when your hormones are making you a mess and making you cry already. I hope things are more even when it's just your little family.

seraf-Your kids are so cute and sweet with the way they love each other! Something to look forward to when having multiple kids.

OMOM--I hope you are feeling healthy soon and I wish you all the best with deciding and planning for a possible 3rd child.

sphinxy-I'm sorry you are having a tough time. Know that a lot of this is hormonal too. You can absolutely do this! It's just really hard at the beginning, but it does get better. What really helped me was going to a baby and me group. I started going at 6 weeks pp and it saved my sanity! I could barely get out of the house and I was incredibly anxious about leaving the house and about everything else. It was so helpful to talk with other parents who were in the same boat or who had survived having a newborn and lived to tell about it. We went out to lunch afterwards and that was how I got comfortable nursing in public. Do you have something like that near you? Mine was through my medical center. I also joined a local group of queer parents who had play dates in the park.
Don't worry too far ahead. By the time you go back to work, your baby will be very different. Mine has changed in just the few weeks since I went back to work. I used to worry about whether he would nap or take a bottle when I went back to work and by the time I did, he was doing both of those things very well. Nursing sessions will get shorter as baby gets stronger and more efficient. He will also learn to sleep better with time so getting him back to sleep will get faster. Not looking at the clock will probably help as others suggested. I used to lie awake with my mind racing and anticipating when he would wake up again and I couldn't sleep. I have gotten better at going back to sleep and that has helped.

e2w--N is looking great! The genetics thing can be weird. I get a lot of people making comments about DW's traits when I discuss C's. Since they aren't related at all genetically, it doesn't matter if DW is tall or has blue eyes, but it's interesting that people think that way. I just go along with it. I assume people will make lots of assumptions as time goes on. I guess I haven't thought too much about how I will respond to strange comments. My situation is different than yours though. You are genetically related to N even if not the bio dad, and he does look like you. I am the type to smile and nod because I don't always like explaining myself to people, but that doesn't work for everyone. I feel like some people deserve an explanation more than others. A stranger on the street doesn't need to know the whole story but good friends and family and doctors and such do need to know. If you try to explain it to everyone, it opens up a can of worms you may not always want to open.

AFM-Things are going pretty well. DS is sleeping better. Lately, he's only waking up 2 or 3 times and it's spaced out a few hours. DW is working from home on Mondays and they are having a great time. The first day was tough, but they have been fine since then. It gave DW an appreciation of how hard it was for me to be home with a newborn all day. She said she was amazed I got as much done as I did. Baby's doing great with the nanny and napping and eating well. Luckily, we have a great nanny. Right, cananny? wink1.gif
post #439 of 577
E2W, omg, chunkers! He is so adorable!

Sadly, we are still trying to navigate this, and DD is five. So when you figure it out...
post #440 of 577
Thread Starter 
Who was worried about sleep? Sleep gets easier, even when it doesn't.

East, when you're looking for similarities, you'll find them. Just roll with it. Soren looks just like me, he's white, after all. Lol. Dd looks just like Sara to some people and her mama to others. People want to see similarities, so they do. And kids pick up facial expressions and mannerisms from their parents whether they're related or not. All mine "look so much alike" even though the only common feature is similar hair color.

Here's a picture of my four with a nephew thrown in. The nephew is the one with darker hair.
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