Originally Posted by granite
Now FIL's gone, and MIL's driving me a different kind of crazy, by constantly talking about the dangers & risks of everything under the sun. My first go at carrying Z in the ring sling (which is totally rad, BTW! Babywearing FTW!) nearly gave her a heart attack, I swear. She couldn't believe he wasn't going to smother, or get cold, or fall out. I understand having anxiety problems, really I do, but that's why I go to therapy... And all her constant worry is totally stressing me out, and pulling at my hard-won sense of calm around being a new parent. DP's coping with her own variations on these themes as well... Blech. We're so glad her parents care enough about Z to fly across the country to see him... And so glad it'll be just the 3 of us after Thursday!
@granite. That is HARD, honey. Especially when you add in the murky soup of early post-partum emotions. I'm so sorry that they're sullying your beautiful babymoon!
It's a hard balance to accept the help and love from family and friends that aren't on the same page as you, while also maintaining healthy boundaries. We did some painful learning the first time round, which ultimately resulted in some firmer boundaries the second time around.
However, this is a great time to start fortifying the duckwax on your back and practicing letting that kind of crap roll right off.
What I've realized over time is that you have to meet people at their intentions first, and work at defining that fine line of where their good intentions are no excuse for what actually ensues. In your case, you might welcome FIL in your home anytime, but when he starts saying things like "Act like a man," or "Come on, kid, boys don't cry" or "What the hell are you doing letting him where pink and why isn't he EVER wearing any of the baseball/soccer/truck crap from Walmart that I gave him?" then that's when you'll need to point out the border roses lining your boundaries.
Border roses are pretty and smell nice, and are welcoming, but ultimately, they are prickly and make a damn fine barricade to keep out the truly unwanted/harmful crap the world will chuck your way in the name of "good intentions."
Originally Posted by onemommyonemama
sphinxy - You can do this! you are doing it
you just need some more sleep to feel human. sleep as much as you can during the day and go to bed earlier if you can. You will figure this out in January - but that is a ways off and babe will likely change habits by then.
@sphinxy ... I agree with what everyone else has said about waiting five minutes and things will change. And also, they won't. We still struggle with sleep with out oldest. She just plain needs a lot of nighttime parenting. So after a while, we started focusing on making it easier on us, rather than hoping/praying/pleading that her needs would lessen enough that we could reclaim our nights.
We leave the lights off - always. No matter what. Even if we're up for a length of time, the lights stay off. We do have nightlights, and there's a crystal lamp in one of the rooms, but in our family bed room, the lights stay off.
No clocks for us either. If I need to know the time, I can check my phone.
We have a spare bed that any number of us can use. Sometimes one of us sleeps there (hardly EVER), but mostly, one of us and one of the kids will end up in there if it's a particularly rough night for the other kid. We also use that bed for matrimonial bliss, so to speak. Hehehehe.
Our eldest now starts the night in a twin bed at the foot of ours, but still ends up with us at nearly 5yo. She is a particularly highly sensitive kid, and it's just what she needs. She has zero interest in sleeping in her room. I bet our youngest will be in his own room before his sister, and that's okay.
Ultimately, your body and mind adjusts to the lack of sleep. It becomes the new normal, and you start to get clarity despite the haze.
People say to sleep when the baby sleeps, but that's never worked for me. I don't nap, ever, so when I had babies, it was hard at first to get enough sleep to function. Which remained true for a long time.
So I scaled back my expectations for myself and my home and my daily routine with the baby. It's okay to keep it all low key.
Practice saying NO to things.
Resists taking on new commitments, even if you think you can manage it.
Get outside every single day. Even if it's just to walk around the block in the foulest of weather.
Don't rush the domestic things ... they become your rhythm markers. Take your time with the laundry and dishes and such.
Wear your baby as much as you can. Truly, babywearing is such a salvation. ESPECIALLY for highly sensitive kids.
I STILL wear my nearly 5yo. She needs touch almost constantly. My 2yo won't have anything to do with the carrier, but my 5yo asks for it when she's feeling anxious or stressed.
Bottom line, you'll get to know your kid best. Your kid might adjust to be much more easily parented at night., or not.
Either way, it'll get so much easier. I promise.
Originally Posted by easttowest
So I'm wondering how people deal with the line between your child's genetics being his story that he should own and seeming like you are hiding that history.
@easttowest: Scrumptious baby!
Disclosure: we tell pretty much anyone who asks. We love our miraculous conception story, and are always happy to share. It's my story and my partner's story first, and just like I'd be open about standard adoption, I'm open about our story. I think it's a great way to normalize families of all kinds, and to honour the unique way we become parents.
In our case, we adopted our kids as embryos, from another queer couple, so there are two other siblings and another set of parents involved, and we're all open. The egg-mama loves to share the story about her progeny, so we honour that by not requiring any secrecy or discretion based on our needs.
I don't tell absolutely everyone who asks, mind. I do trust my spidey-senses, and offer pieces of the story to varying degrees.
Some folks(strangers) assume I'm straight and have a husband and it was all missionary position, etc.
Some folks know that we're queer and that I carried.
Some folks know that there was something unique about our family, but haven't asked.
Some folks know the story.
Some folks know all the players in the story too.
I play it by ear. Also, I never feel obligated to explain, just because someone asks. If I don't feel like it, I'll deflect.
People say that my kids look like me all the time. They don't. No genetic link whatsoever.
People say that my kids look like my parter all the time. They do. Also, no genetic link whatsoever.
People say that my kids look like the other mama and her kids. They do. Genetically linked indeed.
Okay, long and rambly, but that's my two cents on the question.
(ps. I should also add that we live in a very crunchy neighbourhood full to the tits with lesbos and queers and that when I leave my little nest of acceptance and diverstity, I clam right up unless someone demonstrates that they are a queer ally right out of the gate. How'd ya like them apples?
Hi and much love to everyone else, must run. I have to write twenty pages in the next two hours and my hands are already sore from painting E's room and putting together a little loft bed yesterday that she won't sleep in until she's a teenager (see above). But hey, the option's there!