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Queer parents - Page 26

post #501 of 575

@Sphinxy, thank you! I'll check it out... I just downloaded "iBaby" and started playing around with it, because it was the first one that came up; it's okay, I guess, but I'm glad to have your recommendation for a different one.

post #502 of 575
Originally Posted by granite View Post

I *did* notice the new avatar, starling&diesel! I think my midwives are just being conservative, which I'll do my best to appreciate.

HI again, Granite ... Needs mentioning that in BC midwives practice under very strict protocols since the regulation of the 'industry' happened.
Since then, it's not uncommon to hear the term 'medwives' in reference to BC midwives. They really do practice under the umbrella of imposed medical protocols ... well, perhaps not imposed, but certainly conservative, indeed.
You can find their protocols on line (here, at the college of midwifery site connected to the school at UBC), and can see exactly where in their algorithms they are legally obliged to require intervention and/or deferral to an OB or Ped.
In our case, the acceptable limit of post birth weight loss was 11% (if I recall correctly), so because we were at 14% with E, we were referred to a pediatrician, whether or not we agreed.
Unless you have a lay midwife (ie. Gloria Lemay) who practices outside the restrictions of the CMBC (and is then 'rogue' for lack of a better term and won't have hospital privileges or referral capabilities), there isn't a whole lot about BC midwives that isn't somewhat conservative, when it comes to the traditional craft -- if you will -- of midwifery.

All that to say, if you end up with a referral for whatever reason (jaundice, FTT, etc), know that your midwives will likely be as supportive as they can, despite their hands being tied. Which is why -- i think -- they work hard to keep mamas and babies within their protocols. To avoid gratuitous referrals to mainstream medical practitioners. Go, BC midwives!
post #503 of 575

@new n young, we are Mommy and Mama. :)


@Cananny, we have some diaper-free time to help dry off if there is a diaper rash issue, and use a calendula balm that has worked really quickly for us. We used it under her neck roll, too, when that got red and irritated.


@granite, what a cute little dear! I honestly never tracked nursings or dirty diapers much. They seemed constant. Baby girl was clearly healthy. Glad you aren't stressing over it too much. I also liked weighing Ama a lot when she was brand new! I weighed her as often as possible :)

post #504 of 575
@new n young --We are Mommy and Momma, not terribly unique.

@granite -- They gave us a booklet to track everything for the fist two weeks. When we went to his 2-week appointment, everything was fine and the ped didn't ask to see the records so I stopped tracking. I didn't have a smartphone then so I was doing it all on paper. Now I just track weight and other measurements. I do have a baby scale that we have used. I bought it for my cat when he was trying to lose weight. smile.gif Works great for babies too, but not necessary. Visiting your midwife for weigh-ins could be a fun little outing.

AFU-As of yesterday, C is all about fake coughing and blowing raspberries. We tried giving him some mashed potatoes yesterday, but he totally ignored them. He was a little tired by the time dinner rolled around. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving (here in the US). Happy First Thanksgiving to the new babies!
post #505 of 575
Thanks smile.gif
post #506 of 575

How is Z doing, granite? 

post #507 of 575
Originally Posted by carmen358 View Post

How is Z doing, granite? 

Thanks for checking in, @carmen358... Z only gained 1/2 oz between his midwife visits last Tuesday & Thursday, which left him still below birth weight at 2 weeks old. So, as instructed, we rented a pump & began topping up his feeds with expressed milk & formula, via a catheter taped to my breast. 24 hours later, he'd gained another 1/2 oz, which is good but still not as rapid as they want. I'm also now taking fenugreek & blessed thistle, and eating more fat, in case my supply is the issue. We've got an appointment tomorrow with the local paediatrician who specializes in breastfeeding issues, which is a relief.

Still, I feel awful & frustrated & sad. The midwife looked at my input/output diary, and noted that he's spending waaaaay too much time at the breast & not enough sleeping during the day. I thought babies just nursed constantly! But apparently not to this degree? I'm hoping it's the tongue tie... Please let it just be the tongue tie...

Things aren't all bad. I'm so thankful DP's off work (& will be until the new year), and we have been getting out of the house in the evenings and between (marathon) feeding sessions. Nights are also still going well, so at least I'm not terribly sleep deprived.
post #508 of 575
A quick update: We just had Z at the midwifery clinic for another weighing, and he gained 4 ounces in the past 48 hours!! So, regardless of my own feelings about wanting him to be exclusively breastfed instead of supplementing with formula, it's fantastic to know he can & will gain weight... I'm feeling a million times better now :-)
post #509 of 575
Granite, does he definitely have a tongue tie? It's great that he put on some weight to alleviate some of your stress. Are you able to get much when you pump? If you are pumping regularly, you will stimulate your boobs and increase your supply. Fenugreek, oatmeal, and mothers milk tea can all help. I know plenty of babies that had formula supplements in the beginning and went on to eat only breastmilk later when the supply caught up. I empathize so much. I had a lot of breastfeeding challenges early on, and spent so much time worrying about their weight gain. I wish I had spent more time reading about bf-ing instead of birth, and wishing I'd taken more than 1 breastfeeding class. It can be really tough in the early days, but if you are persistent & patient and have good support, most breastfeeding issues are totally fixable. hugs.
post #510 of 575
And dark beer!
post #511 of 575
Granite ...
That's a hard struggle, hon.
My nursing challenges were devastating, after gleefully thinking that BFing would be the easiest part of newborn parenting.
If you end up needing to supplement long term and you want to keep Z exclusively at the breast, PM me and I can give you the run down about what worked for me. We're big fans of the Lact-Aid nursing system, and detest the Medlea SNS.
post #512 of 575
granite-Are you doing massage and compressions, before and during feeding? That can help increase the fat content of your milk. I think I read it on Kellymom. They said that the fat sticks to the sides of your milk ducts and the longer the baby eats, the more fat that gets pulled off the walls as the milk passes through. Massage and compression can help loosen the fat to let it flow out. Pretty cool, huh? Does Z have a tongue tie or are you having him checked for one? I'm not sure if I missed something but you mentioned it recently.
post #513 of 575

Oatmeal is definitely a big help! I'm glad he's gaining now :)

post #514 of 575

Hi all, thanks for your support & advice! The paediatrician looked at Z's tongue tie and doesn't want to cut it right away, as it seems to be stretching & he's doing remarkably well despite it. His latch isn't awesome, but it's functional, and she wants to see if it improves as he gets a little bigger & more skilled at nursing. She also wants me to continue doing what I can to boost my supply, because though it seems adequate, it's easier for Z to nurse if he doesn't have to work so hard for it!


So, YES to LOTS of dark beer, @mrsandmrs! And the herbs... And the massages/compressions (@pokeyAC, I'd be lost without KellyMom!)... And the oatmeal (I have oatmeal muffins in the oven right now, @carmen358... I wish I could bring you some!)... And I'm also now doing "super switch nursing", which is basically switching sides every 5 minutes for 20-30 minutes when nursing, then pumping for an extra 10 afterwards to make sure I've got as much as I can. Still topping him up with the expressed milk + formula, but all these things really are making a difference: I'm glad I still haven't bought a proper nursing bra, because my chest is getting larger!


And so is my baby: He's now 9lbs 9oz, safely above birth weight :love


Thanks for the offer for guidance re: SNS, @starling&diesel! You can bet that you'd be the first person I'll contact if we go that route! And what you said re: BC midwives is bang on, and ours basically said as much: She can't afford a single miss-step, and that's why she was sending us to the paediatrician right away, even though Z seemed totally healthy aside from the weight issue.


I have a QOTD for y'all: Do you go to any parent & baby group(s), or did you when your LO was younger? If not, why? If so, how did you choose which type(s) of group(s) to attend?

post #515 of 575
Granite--glad things are working! It sounds like you've got quite an arsenal of options, and a healthy little boy, to boot!

As for your QOTD--when I was home on leave I joined a mom group that met pretty frequently up in the neighborhood where my wife was working. I found that I got REALLY stir-crazy and that if I didn't have an outing or a lunch or some reason to go out of the house and talk to people every single day I got very, very upset. I'm usually pretty extroverted, but it was much more extreme than I've been at any other point in my life. The women in the group were plenty nice, but no one really clicked and has stayed my friend, which is fine. Now we're part of a couple groups of queer parents (one formal, one not) that get together fairly regularly, and which have been great, since none of our other friends have kids. We haven't done any classes or formal activities yet, because we don't really have the time, and E doesn't seem to need them yet. I'm sure we'll have years and years of driving her to music classes in the future, so I'm enjoying the freedom we have to just play with her when we're all home. I think it would be different if DP and I didn't work full time, though, and if she wasn't in a daycare that was providing some of those activities for her.
post #516 of 575
So glad to hear that Z is thriving!


When E was 4 months old, we moved from a small mountain town to Vancouver, where I didn't know another single soul who was a parent.
And, truthfully, friendships change when you have kids and your buddies don't. In those early months it's easy to think that things will stay the same, when you can meet at the coffee shop with baby snuggled quietly asleep in a wrap while you drink a latte and play Banangrams (might just be referring to myself here) with friends and chat about the situation in Syria and what fat, toothy novel you're reading.

But when that baby starts crawling, and yowling, and needing you five hundred times during an hour coffee date ... let's just say that people without kids might say they love kids, and they likely adore yours, but they simply do not have the same tolerance to the noise, the interruption, the base humanity and neediness of it all.

Okay, that sounded bleak.
All that to say that when we moved to the city, I went regularly to the local parent/child drop in at the health unit.
We live in a crunchy neighbourhood, which meant that I meant lots of AP parents by default, and had the drop-in been in a more mainstream, conservative neighbourhood, I likely wouldn't have gone often, if at all. It helped to find like-minded folks, immensely.

Years later, I'm good friends with a handful of those mamas, and mighty neighbourly to others, while more still have moved, or we just didn't connect. The core families swap hand-me-downs, chat in the park, look out for each others kids, and get where each other is coming from. A few of the mamas in that group are homeschooling now, which means that we've had the same community since our kids were infants, which is really special.
I'm an introvert, but I knew when I became a parent that I needed to get out every single day, to keep my mental health in working order and to build a community for my kids. So we went to the drop-in every Tuesday, despite my mixed feelings and history of being entirely un-group-ish.
And lots of us went to baby storytime at the local library. And lots of us frequented the free family drop-in resource centre at the community centre. And the LLL meetings on Fridays. We sometimes went to a free Forest Nursery meet up wheh H was an infant.
We took E to baby swim lessons at 5 months old, where I met the woman who has become my best mama-friend.

As my kids got older, we went to fewer things, rather than more.
I was worried about PPD, so I knew those early months could be the biggest struggle for me, which is why i soldiered on, despite often being awash in social anxiety.

Out of that perseverance came a few very special friendships, with mamas who I see often and rely on for support and commiseration, to this day.
To be honest, we didn't need any of the trappings of the groups. We just needed the mamas and the babies. We could've met at the base of a big oak tree once a week and we would've gotten as much (and likely more) out of it. Which is what I did when H was wee (Forest Nursery).
By then I was tired of groups, and tired of hanging out with that many people, and had spent all the extrovertedness that I managed to muster since E was born.

I'm back to being a very contented introvert, and now that I have two other people to hang out with, and a few very close mama friends who are on the same AP page, we're good.
We don't do any groups at all anymore, and only one scheduled class on Monday mornings, which I can barely get us too.
The rest of the time we are flying solo, which is a delight. But my community is solid, and when we need it, it's there, and we do our fair share of give and take from it to keep it healthy, now that it's established.

I am so thankful for the groups and drop-ins, for connecting me to the larger community.

Also, @granite, ask around and find out if your community has a parents Yahoo group. Ours has been INVALUABLE. For advice, for buy-and-sell, for vacation tips, for campground recommendations, for events, for hand-me-downs, for resources, for doc referrals and feedback, and ultimately, for support.

End of novel.
post #517 of 575
Thread Starter 
I've gone through phases. I still have frieds from the midwife new parent support group when O was a baby. Currently I leave the house for groceries and work.
post #518 of 575
QOTD: When C was 6 weeks old I started going to a baby and me group offered by our medical center. We live 2 blocks away and it was free. They gave us a flyer at some point with all our having a baby info. It is a drop-in group where you can talk about anything. DW encouraged me to go. She was getting ready to go back to work and she could sense that I needed some support. It was really great for me. It helped me feel like I was not losing my mind. The parents there had survived a newborn and were willing to share their ideas. It made me feel like I could make it too. We went every week until I went back to work. After a while I felt like I could share my small bit of knowledge with parents of younger babies. That was quite surprising. We went out to lunch after every meeting. That was fun too. That was how I got comfortable nursing in public. I had been having a lot of anxiety about taking the baby out of the house and being around other moms and babies and having it feel ok was a big help. I also joined up with a group of queer parents in my hood with cananny and kateadele. We had a playdate in the park about once a week. That was great too. I really miss these get togethers now that I am back at work. It's great having other people to talk about all your baby issues with and people who don't mind you asking lots of questions.
post #519 of 575
I don't go to a group but for a while we were getting together with some friends who had a baby and their friends who had babies, so we made a couple new friends with babies and that was nice. I also take the baby to baby storytime at the library and a little free baby music class, so I meet moms with babies there as well.
post #520 of 575

Please add me to the thread under new parents with babies. :)

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