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Queer parents - Page 27

post #521 of 577
Thread Starter 
Rs11, did I miss an intro? I don't read in the other threads and would love to hear more about your family.
post #522 of 577

granite, when S was about 3 1/2 months I joined a weekly group called Mother's Unfolding. They are usually large groups that get together for 6(?) weeks but ou group was just 5.. I still get together with 3 of the mamas at least every couple of months. We did weekly meet ups then monthly now bi-monthly when we can...3 of us have 2 kids and one has 1. They are an incredible support but unfortunately all live at least an hour away. I did the library story time for awhile too but found it really chaotic. I also bonded with an old drinking acquaintance who has twins a year older than S and she has been a great friend....but alas lives about an hour away as well. I'm feeling a bit isolated but have made one friend close by which is nice. Btw, we're heading to Victoria tomorrow night so I will text you and arrange to drop the clothes off.


Also, L is just over 4 months and was just weighed today... 18lbs 12oz! He's in 9-12 month clothes!

post #523 of 577
Here is a mini update of our precious one 5.5 months going on 17 yrs.
post #524 of 577
I just wanna eat him up! I love the sweater vest.
post #525 of 577

Great sweater vest!!!!  I have been crazy busy with work and the kiddos--so have mostly been in lurker mode.  DS2 will be 7 months old in a couple of days (!) and is currently:

  • around 17 pounds
  • 28ish inches
  • has been sitting for quite awhile (unsupported)
  • still hates being on his belly 
  • loves to stand/walk supported
  • pulled himself up today
  • loves to eat, and is now pretty proficient at self feeding (crude pincer grasp) we do a mix of puree/finger foods (the puree b/c we are vegetarian and we skipped infant cereal w/ DS1 who ended up anemic and want to avoid that this go 'round) and pretty much give him what we're eating (a beet pasta sauce w/ roasted garlic was quite the winner, he loves grated cheese)
  • is starting to wave in imitation (and shake his head "no" in imitation)
  • wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat (which compared to our first kiddo still seems pretty decent)

Big kid is currently

  • 3 1/2 (heavens help us, the half years are ROUGH in our house)
  • in preschool 3 mornings a week and is in speech therapy group once a week
  • talks CONSTANTLY, loves all things dinosaurs and is currently very interested in dragons and ogres (T'giving trip with older cousins).  He is always the kind/helpful dino or dragon protecting others (which is seriously sweet and cute)...but usually wants the baby to be the ogre (sigh).  
  • dealing with an asthma flare (which totally bums me out...)


As for social time...with big kid's preschool schedule I don't actually get a chance to do the "mom and me" sort of things we did with DS1 and I'm finding that our other friends with 3 year olds and infants all have different schedules...so trying to get together has been rough.  We do church which is social time for all of us (big boy is in children's choir so the little and I get to hang out with other grown ups, and another little, while big boy is in practice).  There is a secular play group that meets at a local church that we've gone to a few times and liked.  In nice weather, playgrounds are a great meet up spot too. (we live in an area with TONS of families with small children).  But, all in all, I kind of prefer "doing our own thing"...


Otherwise, DS1 really has grown to love his brother--but is really having a hard time with sharing our attention, especially since the baby has begun objecting to not having our attention.  He incorporates him into his pretending games and for the most part is fairly gentle and loving with him (partially b/c the spit up was SO bad until recently that he wouldn't touch/hold the baby out of fear of being spit up on!).  I like being the NGP, but I do feel like I have only recently begun to bond with DS2--mostly b/c he is much more relational in the past month or so.  I do think being the non-nursing parent but being the SAHP has made the balance of care in our house pretty good and means that DS2 will accept non-nursing forms of comfort and my comfort.  DS1 is in a hard core "mommy phase" (I am mama) which has been rather annoying...but whatev's, these things change (often!).  

post #526 of 577

Hi. I've been sick and too busy to get back. I've been on this board for a while, but I took a break with everything going on.


I'm 30, married for 4.5 years, and we have one child, adopted this past summer at birth. It was a total surprise. We would never have been able to afford a private adoption through an agency, but we know (and love) the birthmother, and she decided she couldn't parent right now and asked us to take the baby. She's as much a part of our family as our little girl.


Let's see...we live on a farm, have way too many animals, and too much stuff going on. We haven't even got the Christmas tree up yet!

post #527 of 577
We don't have a tree yet either, rs11! There's still time... Right?!!

Thank you, all, for your thoughts on play/parenting groups. When my MIL was here right after Z was born, she brought up "mommy clubs" repeatedly, saying I needed to join one... Which frankly annoyed me, ornery state that I was in. At that point, all I wanted was to sleep and snuggle Z.

But! I did go to a La Leche League meeting, and was surprised by how much I enjoyed just sitting around with other nursing parents, cuddling our babies & shooting the sh*t about breastfeeding issues. So now I'm going to attend a local baby wearing meetup tomorrow... And y'all have convinced me that I oughta at least try out the various new parent gatherings around town.

On a related note, another question: Have your friendships with non-parenting friends changed, and if so, how have you dealt with it?

In other news, we had our final visit with the specialist paediatrician today, who laughed when she put Z on the scale and saw that he now weighs 10 lbs 4 oz!!! Yeah, the kid definitely no longer has problems gaining weight... It's been 5 days without supplemental formula or pumped milk, just breastmilk direct at the source, hurrah!

And he's got a whole new wardrobe of lovely clothes, too, thanks to @carmen358 smile.gif

I'm so grateful, for all the support from all of you <3
post #528 of 577
QOTD: I don't think my friendships have changed too much, except that I am more busy and see my friends less often. That was true already. Well, actually, that started when DW and I got together and I became part of the family. Since then I have seen my friends MUCH less. But when I do see them, it's lovely.

11 yr old DD has recently been diagnosed with aspberger's. That has been interesting...she is resistant to the idea, but to us, it explains a lot! It's helpful to have that perspective to find better ways to respond to blow-ups. She is doing so well in so many ways, though. 15 yr old is doing pretty well. We just had a week of snow days (!) and she had gone sledding with her sister and they've had fun together. So nice when that happens.

Baby is going on six months old. She is sitting up on her own, eating food, and is very, very social. So fun!
post #529 of 577
Thread Starter 
Granite, yay for the weight gain!

Coco, woah on the diagnosis. Is it news to you or where you pursuing a diagnosis?

AOTD, I moved cross country late in my first pregnancy, so all the friends I made we kid frieds. With older kids it's much easier to hang out with friends than with toddlers/babies/early bedtimes. I guess until you get to the age of fifty billion activities.
post #530 of 577
Granite - I haven't joined any groups. I think if I were going to be home as long as you though, I would have put more effort into something like that. I go back to work in 3 weeks, so I wouldn't be able to sustain any weekday group attendance. DW had a close colleague whose wife is due in a couple months, and they will probably send their kid to the same daycare as ours, so I hope to create a stronger friendship there. And my yoga teacher gave birth just a few weeks after me, and plans to start a mommy & me class after her leave, so I hope to meet more moms that way. Our close friends are all non-parents, and it's too early to tell how those relationships will change. I hope not too much. They are all excited about being in our son's life. We spend a lot of our social time with my sister (two kids) and my parents (over-the-moon for their new grandson), and those relationships have only gotten stronger since W arrived. Also, congrats on the good growing and power BFing!

AFM, W is 9 weeks now! 12 lbs and 24 inches at his 2-mth checkup. The vaccines made him a bit groggy and I'm sort of embarrassed to say how awesome that was because DW and I got so much sleep the night after smile.gif . Sleep continues to be the only real issue for us - it always seems to be the deciding factor between a good day and a challenging one. He was starting to take longer naps in the afternoon, and at the Dr's suggestion, I am trying to curb that just a little to encourage him to take those longer sleeps at night. We'll see, he doesn't ever really go longer than four hours, sometimes more like three.

Question for the group - how early did you start establishing bedtime routines?
post #531 of 577

AOTD1-Our relationships with non-parent friends haven't changed much.  We just haven't been able to go out at night.  We do lots of brunches.  None of our friends we had pre-baby have kids, so we have made some new friends with kids.  Our friends happen to love babies though so they are pretty game to hang out. 


AOTD2--I can't remember exactly, but I feel like we started trying to establish a bedtime routine fairly early.   After 6 weeks sometime.  The bedtime has changed since then but the routine is the same.  It took a little time to refine it.  It evolved as his sleep matured and we figured out what worked.  I think once you get past survival mode and can anticipate a regular time when he will be sleepy, that's a good time to start.  I read the No-Cry Sleep Solution and she has lots of suggestions for after the baby is 4 months old and no longer a newborn.  It was too early to really use those before 4 months but I figured it couldn't hurt to start introducing them so I got in the habit.  We get him in a clean diaper and pj's, get the room ready and turn on the sound machine, then we put him in his sleep sack while we sing "Soft Kitty" three times, the last time in a round.  Then I nurse him and put him to sleep.  I use the key words--"nighty night" as I am putting him in bed.  His sleeping really changed when he hit 4 months old, so I hope that happens for you @Sphinxy so that you can get some more sleep.  

post #532 of 577
I notice a change in our non-parent friends, absolutely. Those changes started to become more apparent the more mobile and vocal our first child became, and then again when we had a second. It was almost like it was 'forgiveable' when dd was still up in a wrap or carrier or nursing, and we could still get together and have adult conversations, and then it slipped a bit when dd needed 'more' attention from me (heading for the door of the cafe, gagging on a piece of muffin, getting whacked by another kid, wanting to nurse, etc) and our adult conversations were harder to carry on. Even though I could carry on a really toothy conversation about politics or discouse with another PARENT, no problem, because our multi-tasking skills had been seriously honed. And that other parent understood that pulling out a boob, or a wet wipe, or a diaper, or a caterpille out of the kids' hair took precedent.
Now with two kids, our home is loud. Our schedule is tricky. We don't use sitters other than my mom. When non-parent friends come over, they seem tense, and quite frankly, I don't like having them over. When my mom sits, DP and I go out together, alone, for a date, sans anybody else. So, mostly, DP and I trade off when we see non-parent friends, and that seems to work well.

We definitely have a daily rhythm, and have had since our first was born. It changes, along with the developmental stages, but gently enough that it works without resistence.
For us, 'rhythm' that means one thing happens before the other, in a predictable fashion.
So when my kids were babies, it was: wake, eat, play, nap, eat, play, nap, eat, play, sleep. We could be doing absolutely anything and be anywhere, but that's what the day looked like for the baby.
And sleep usually happened at a similar time of the day, and along with it, the trappings. We do a bath most nights, then stories, nursing, and lights out. We stay with the kids until they are asleep and then slip away.
We do the same routine to this day. The kids know what to expect, and move easily towards it because they know how it goes.

I can honestly say that I've never met two kids who have the exact same sleeping habits, and that I've decided that so many of the books -- while they have some good tips -- can set parents up for disappointment when the strategies don't end up working like they'd hope. I feel this way about parenting books in general, actually.
It's easy to feel like you're up against the wall when it comes to babies and sleeping, but one thing is absolutely true, and that is that it will change.

My only caution is in regards to adding any extra accoutrements. If you like to travel, be mindful that you'll likely have to take any sound machines, lovies, grow clocks, swings, vibrating chairs, or blackout blinds with you!
I've heard this from other parents, so cant speak to those items directly, and how they might help or hinder, but I've always been really thankful to have kids who've learned to sleep absolutely anywhere. That way, we've never had to be back home at a prescribed time, and were more able to take our kids to events that would have them out past their 'bedtime,' so to speak.

ETA, photographic evidence of the above caution. We have bazillions of these kinds of photos.

San Diego airport:

Folk Music Festival, main stage:
post #533 of 577
Originally Posted by starling&diesel View Post

The kids know what to expect, and move easily towards it because they know how it goes.

I can honestly say that I've never met two kids who have the exact same sleeping habits, and that I've decided that so many of the books -- while they have some good tips -- can set parents up for disappointment when the strategies don't end up working like they'd hope. I feel this way about parenting books in general, actually.

It's easy to feel like you're up against the wall when it comes to babies and sleeping, but one thing is absolutely true, and that is that it will change.

These things are true. Babies are different and they change all the time, and books do not have all the answers. I use the books for tips, but I disregard what I don't think is applicable. I don't follow any particular sleep "plan" but I try to do little things that can help in my situation. When they know what to expect, it seems to help a lot. Often our babies teach us how to take care of them. You just have to pay attention.
I do travel with my sound machine, but I have slept with one for years so it may be more for me than the baby. smile.gif I have noticed he slept fine without it. I would love for him to learn to sleep anywhere. He is better at falling asleep anywhere but lying on his back in a stroller, he does not sleep well. Thanks for the inspiration, I will keep working on it.
post #534 of 577

I fit into the teen and big kids category...

post #535 of 577
Welcome smilezalot!
post #536 of 577

Thanks Pokey I have no idea how to respond on here or even what half of things mean, so i hope i am doing this right :) if not forgive me,

post #537 of 577
Seraf- we weren't looking for a diagnosis but she was diagnosed with selective mutism when she was younger, and has been in counseling on and off for years to work on coping mechanisms for anxiety and rage outbursts. The diagnosis was not completely unexpected, though, as DW and I have noticed some signs. Now that we have the diagnosis the pieces are fitting together more. We both keep noticing things that fit into that diagnosis and it really has been helpful to have that perspective.

Sleep: we don't have much of a routine. Just that she nurses to sleep and I usually sing a song. She won't fall asleep with out me or her other mom, though. Maybe I should start having more of a routine? Usually she nurses to sleep on the couch because it's the only time DW and I get to hang out after the other kids are in bed we'll chat and/or watch a couple shows. Then we'll move into the bedroom and a lot of times she'll wake up during the transfer but only briefly and she nurses back to sleep. So far she only falls asleep if one of us is laying next to her or holding her. Even for naps. Then sometimes we can sneak away, but she doesn't usually sleep long by herself. Anyone have a similar experience? Think I am setting us up for bedtime failure or do you think you think it's okay?
post #538 of 577
Smilezalot--welcome! You're doing fine--just jump in if you have any thoughts on anything. smile.gif

Coco--I know one of the things I really found helpful with E was not nursing her down--she'd be drowsy but always a little awake after her last nursing, and then DP would be the one to actually burp her and rock her a bit and put her in her crib. She's not a perfect sleeper, by any means, but she does go down for almost anyone, which is freeing when we have a friend babysitting. Not sure how possible it is to change habits like that, though. Also, do you swaddle her at all? Oh, but are you cosleeping? We didn't, much, so I don't know if swaddling is a good idea in that instance, but it does give them the feeling of being held, I think. In any case, yes, you're setting yourself up for failure. And also no. And then probably yes again. So is everyone else. Babies go through good and bad patches with sleep, pretty irrespective of what their parents are doing, in my experience/opinion. So if what you're doing works now and makes you all happy, don't worry about it much until it doesn't/isn't, and then try new things. We're in an annoying phase now where she takes off all of her pjs at least twice before settling down, which is cute but I wish it would stop.
post #539 of 577
Thread Starter 
Isa, aren't they the cutest and most annoying at this age?

Sleep, ugh. My boys are still nursing to sleep. I am working on weaning and these are the last ones to go. Sara is not weaning. So they go to bed with me and when I tell them it's time to e done nursing and sleep, So tries and S runs to sleep with Sara. He comes back later when I'm asleep and nurses then, I assume. I have thrush from a recent round of antibiotics, so I'm even more motivated to wean.
post #540 of 577
I have thrush too. Any tips or tricks? First time in 5 years of nursing. Thinking I need to do the candida diet.
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