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Queer parents - Page 29

post #561 of 577
Congratulations on the boys, Isa! joy.gif
post #562 of 577
Congratulations on twin baby boys, isa! We were due for another set. I hope you are feeling well and that the tantrums ease up. I imagine it must be difficult to deal with a toddler while pregnant with twins.
post #563 of 577

we can never have enough twin boys around here! congrats!

post #564 of 577

Isa!! Congratulations!! :) So exciting. And hi, everyone! I haven't been on here in a while, but I was missing you.

post #565 of 577
Hi all, baby Ben was born on 2/17 and we could not be happier or more in love! DS1 (age 6) is doing really well, but is definitely needing some extra praise and attention. I made sure to spend a lot of alone time with him over the weekend, and purposely snuggled and read books before bed with him, making sure he stills feels special and deserving of my time. If anyone has advice on maintaining this close bond, please share!
In also happy news, my wife's parents seem transformed by having a grandchild! They have always been surface level supportive of our relationship, but seemed mostly closeted like not telling people about us/our family, our marriage last year, etc. But their first grandchild (non bio for them) seems to have softened their hearts and they are spreading the word like crazy! I wasn't expecting it, but hoped they would come around. Mostly I am just very happy for my wife because she feels so validated right now and proud her parents are treating our son just as she was hoping they would. Yay!
post #566 of 577
Gamitzer--congrats on baby Ben! And on your in-laws' sudden excitement about your family. I think that happens a lot (though sadly not always). We found that a lot of the dumb things my DP's mom said before the baby arrived (in her case not homophobic, more things like, 'just call me the florida grandma, because she won't know who I am anyway') disappeared the instant there was actually a little girl on the scene. Now they're very bonded to each other and she doesn't say anything other than that we should move down there so they can see each other more. She has also started to come out about DP and I to a lot of people, including random clients at work where there is no reason to do it other than that it's normal to talk about your family. I hope your DP's parents continue to be so excited and in love and that you all benefit from it! Definitely interested to hear any ideas about how to make kid #1 feel still loved when the siblings arrive, since that's been on my mind a lot lately.

AFM--two funny things from this weekend: E an I got on several elevators and each time E proudly announced that we were going to ride the 'alligator', which sounds much more adventurous! And then last night my dad and stepmom were visiting us, and E took them both by the hand into her room, closed the door, and proceeded to have a party for almost an hour. Whenever they'd try to open the door to see if we were worried about her she would climb over my dad, say, 'excuse me grandpa Rick,' and slam the door so they could keep playing. It was the first time she's ever wanted to have her friends over without all those pesky mamas getting in the way. smile.gif
post #567 of 577
Hi CocoBird! Glad to see you back around!

isa-That's so cute! It's amazing how they grow up and learn new things.

gamitzer-I'm glad your in-laws are coming around. My MIL got off to a rough start because our son is not biologically related to my wife. She thought we should adopt instead so that our child wouldn't be related to either of us. greensad.gif I knew she would come around, and she did. Now, she can't get enough of that baby and is sad we live far away. When I was on maternity leave, I sent her a picture of him every day.
post #568 of 577
Thread Starter 
Wow, I've been a bad board checker!

Isa! Boys rock! Congratulations!

Gametzer, congratulations! My kids sure got more I dependent with each new baby, but we kept special routines like bedtime. Once the little guy gets to be 4ish months old, the older guy will never know so much love. Babies and toddlers worship their bigs.
post #569 of 577

hi queer parenting folks,

my lovely little babe is just about a month old, and for the past few days she has been screaming and screaming during her diaper changes/clothing changes.  did this happen to anyone else?  what did you do?  my dp and i have been talking her through what we're doing and/or singing, and try to stay super calm...but nothing has been working consistently.  what really worries me us that she seems to be teaching herself to scream whenever she's a bit uncomfortable.  so, if she screams because she doesn't like to lay on her back/be naked/be cold, she should also scream if she's a little hungry, a little tired, etc.  she's such a calm and happy baby generally.  it's hard to see her getting so upset so many times a day.


thanks in advance for any suggestions.

post #570 of 577
I would guess she is cold. They can find being naked very unsettling when they are so little. That's why they tell you to change their diaper to wake them up. Are you changing her in the same place? Is there a warmer spot you could use? You could try putting a heating pad or hot water bottle or something on the changing pad before you put her on it, or keep part of her covered while you are working another part of her body. It may not be very comforting but the screaming could just be a totally normal way for her to communicate with you. She may not learn to use it in other situations. Babies this age go through so many little phases where they do something for a little bit and then they stop and move onto something else. "This too shall pass" is my mantra. This may just be a phase that won't last long.
post #571 of 577

I don't think one month old babies can learn bad habits like that, so I wouldn't worry about that. I know it is stressful and upsetting for the parents, but this phase shall pass. I have twins, and one of them screamed almost around the clock when he was that age. Crying is the only way they have to communicate, and they dont always know what they are communicating. Cold, hot, uncomfortable, hungry, tired, lonely, bored, overstimulated - everything comes out as a scream! if you are able, i really got a lot of mileage out of the moby wrap during this phase. We still use the wipes warmer, simply because we found that it was awfully convenient with the cloth wipes. Good luck. 

post #572 of 577

thanks for the responses pokeyAC and mrsandmrs...


pokey--our house is totally chilly sometimes, and it also fluctuates in temperature because we have baseboard heaters and don't have a thermostat.  i like the idea of using a hot water bottle, but there is no way i'd want to add that extra step to every diaper change--especially because we don't have a water source upstairs.  we started putting the wool blanket i knit for the baby on her during her diaper changes (and also tilted the surface where we've been changing her since she seems to dislike being horizontal) and it has made a huge difference.  the only times she has screamed since we made the change were during times when she was super hungry but needed to be changed before eating.  otherwise, the set-up is a bit awkward, and makes it like changing diapers under a tent...but totally, totally worth it.


mrsandmrs--i partly agree about little babies not being able to learn bad habits (and certainly believe that babies' wants and needs are fully aligned at this point), but i also wonder about reverting to particular modes of reaction as they happen over and over.  one of my midwives talked to my dp and me about the way babies often go back to their birth experience, and particularly talked about birth trauma since we had an emergency c-section.  sometimes it feels like she goes really quickly into the specific scream/cry i first heard her make in the operating room, and i wonder if she would make that same cry as often, or as quickly, if she had been born at home and hadn't had such a dramatic introduction to the world.  it feels like one of the hardest things to determine which baby behaviors are purely developmental and will pass, and which are important to actively address and tweak for everyone's sanity.  and, i just borrowed a moby wrap from a friend to test out with the baby.  why was it so helpful for you?  because it's a good place to calm an unhappy baby?  so far i haven't gotten comfortable enough with positioning her in either my sling or the moby to have both hands free.

post #573 of 577
B&C--glad you found a solution. Supposedly one day it will actually be spring and you won't have to change diapers under the tent anymore! Also, I think that there's something to the idea that if it is working to get your parents' attention, why change how you're yelling? Newborn crying is SO much harder on parents than older baby crying--it's set to get you to react immediately. My guess is that as she gets out of her 'fourth trimester' in a couple months the kind of yelling that really gets to you will be replaced by more normal crying that you can override your hormones when you hear it and react to less frantically. Both my DP and I were on edge with our DD for the first few months every time she cried because it was just so intense. We had a snuggi wrap, which I found a lot better for me than a Moby--it's made of sweatshirt material, so it's a little firmer and made me feel like she was more secure, but otherwise it's the same. I never did figure out a sling for her, especially when she was so tiny. It's helpful to have them close to you but still be able to do other things, and especially for walks so you don't need to take a big stroller. If she's yelling a lot for reasons you can't identify (not hungry, wet, etc) it can be great to wear her and let her be close to one of you for long periods of time. I also think that it's possible to go a long way down the road of what-ifs regarding a 'perfect' birth. If it's helpful for you to work through those issues, do it, but don't feel like you need to make it up to her or beat yourselves up because things didn't go the way you planned. Many births are less than perfect, in many ways, and the kids turn out just fine anyway.

Anyone have any advice for a big bed transition? We're going to give DD a toddler bed for her birthday--not, sadly, because she gets out of her crib. She doesn't. But we don't want it to feel like we're stealing her bed to give to a brother, so the birthday seems like an opportunity to sneak it past her. I'm making her a new quilt, and we've been reading a book about baby animals that outgrow their nests and need a bigger sleeping space. Any other suggestions?
post #574 of 577

b&c i'm glad the diaper changes are going more smoothly. i found the moby wrap to be helpful because it seemed to combine the calming affects of being held/near the heart and the security of the swaddle. i would pop in the screaming baby and he would settle within a few seconds or minutes, and then i could go about my day or tend to the other baby's needs, the dishes, the chickens, the coffee, whatever. if you feel like you can't go "hands free" with the moby, it's likely that you need to tie it tighter. i struggled with that in the beginning. a stretchy wrap by nature stretches as you use it, so it needs to be quite tight whenever you put the baby in. there are some good youtube videos the helped me a lot. maybe it's the twins thing, or maybe just my style, but baby wearing has been invaluable for me. i would not have survived the "fourth trimester" without it. and now i can't stop! i spent this weekend wearing between 15 and 30 lbs of baby the entire time. 

post #575 of 577
Hi Everyone! Miss you all. Our baby boy is now 9.5 months old and what a wild ride it's been. He is so animated and has such a little personality already. It's so cute and mind blowing at the same time.
I wish I could be here more but I am working a ton. We have a Manny that stays at home with our son during the week. I am definitely scheming about working less, won't take much I just have to say no to jobs that come my way!
post #576 of 577
Thread Starter 
Isa, did you already transition her? My guys started in a big bed, but they're starting to do a little more laying down alone these days.

Birth memories, I don't know. My one who cried the most had the fastest and easiest (from my perspective) labor. The one who cried the most is also the only girl. She had some dietary stuff, but mostly I figure she was just the most expressive. It's been my experience that girls are expressive from birth. My boys are differently expressive. Than her and Han each other. She just get special marks for being the most. Of course, she grew out of big crying by a few months. Maybe you've moved out of it already, too.

Max, 9-12 month is one of the cutest ages! Jeeze! Good luck with getting home more.
post #577 of 577
Hi Max! I can't believe your little guy is already more than 9 months old! That went by fast!

Seraf--nope, but the day is nigh! Last night she did her first jump from the crib. Not hurt, but lots of crying. We should be getting it this weekend at her family birthday party. We're big wimps about falling, so she hasn't really done it much yet. We don't really let her climb on much, so it's been rare to have her dive off of things. I set up her sleeping bunny alarm clock this morning, so we'll see how that goes, and am planning to toddler-proof her room tonight (it's mostly done, but there are some random things in there that I wouldn't want her destroying in the middle of the night).
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