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Queer parents - Page 4

post #61 of 577
Thread Starter 
Way to go Wishin! New babies are so exhausting. I hope your little froggy finds many comfortable positions soon.

QOTD: Do your kids do any chores? Do they get an allowance?
post #62 of 577

QOTD: No, DD doesn't do chores...but she is only 3 ;) We encourage cleaning up but mostly by modelling (which we're not great at lol) and asking her to help. We will probably not do allowance. It might be idealistic of me but I'd like to think my kids will do chores to help out and because they enjoy helping rather than for money.

post #63 of 577
Thread Starter 
Carmen, lol.

AOTD: my older kids wash their own dishes, help distract the babies, clear toys from the floor and occasionally help with big things.

They get an allowance more so they don't have to ask for money any time they want anything. It is tied to their chores/
behavior/ attitude/ time management. They get a dollar a day for cleaning, by a certain time, politely and without reminder. They lose a quarter for any conditions that aren't met.
post #64 of 577
Hi Everyone,

Wishin: It sounds like you are doing an impressive job of balancing everyone's needs. I hope that you all get some more sleep soon!

QOTD: Our little guy loves to clean (sweep, mop, vacuum, wipe up spills, wash dishes, etc.), but I wouldn't exactly call that doing chores. No allowance, although we're not sure if we'll give one when he is older. At this point I think he would find an allowance most valuable if it was paid in raisons.

Seraf: That's a cute photo of Ari with the mower! Is that your yard? It's nice!
post #65 of 577
Thread Starter 
Escher, That's about 1/3 of the back yard, the only part that really sees the sun. There's a weed covered patio behind me and a weed covered garden behind Ari. The weather here has been hot and cold and these weeds sprang up seemingly overnight. I somehow lost the keys to the shed, so it grew a few more days while I looked for the keys. I broke down and took the door off at the hinges yesterday when I realized how out of control the yard was. The lilac bush beyond the lawn mower was my very first Mother's Day gift from a very tiny O.
post #66 of 577
I am ridiculously envious of your yard. I like the lilac bush story! How old was O when you moved there?
post #67 of 577
Thread Starter 
We bought the house and moved in about 3 weeks before his birth, so he was around 2 months old when this bush was planted.
post #68 of 577

Love the approach to chores Seraf--we are still at the "please help mama" stage (and I accept half hearted attempts).  Otherwise, I mowed our lawn (with a reel mower) during DW's morning nap between nursings while wearing the baby and chatting with the big boy...of course, I sacrificed kitchen cleanliness to do it AND all of our meals today came out of packages (frozen waffles, vegetarian beanie weanies, canned soup and hummus/crackers).  DW's milk came in, and she crashed today--dizzy/seeing stars/too weak to walk--a repeat hemoglobin led to the decision to give her a unit of blood tomorrow.  I wish she felt better--she seriously is having trouble going up the stairs and even walking from the bedroom to the bathroom (per the OB who got her placenta out, her recovery is going to be worse than if she'd had a c-section...suckiness)

post #69 of 577
Thread Starter 

Oh, Wishin, I'm sorry to hear that she's got it so rough.  What you're describing about sacraficing one chore for another while double encumbered and lowering your meal standard sounds a lot like my experience with new parenthood as a NGP. hug2.gif and thumbsup.gif

 

QOTD: How are household chores divided between adults in your house? How has this changed through your parenting journey?

post #70 of 577

Wishin - I'm so sorry to hear that your DW is having such a rough time.  I know you mentioned birthing issues, maybe I missed it, but what happened (if I can ask)?

 

Seraf - I love the kid with the push mower...is that O or A?


Esher - How's the house hunting coming along?

 

AFM - Today is my special day with the toddler because daycare is closed.  It's 8:30 am here and she's still sleeping.  So it's been a really nice me time day thus far!

 

As for your question on more kids, we're really thinking about it.  I thought we were done for sure at 3, but now we're not so sure.  If there was nothing else to consider, we'd just do it.  But when you think of the cost, career impact, family impact, maybe needing a minivan, two kids under the age of 3 and two teens, plus our DS is in A LOT of trouble right now and dealing with that is exhausting, we're just not sure.  Our relationship is strong.  Having a baby was hard on it, but not as hard as adopting.  I'm just not sure if we could healthily make it through another baby and the teen years right now.  So if there was nothing else to consider, we'd try to get pregnant again.  I'm just not sure it's realistic right now.

 

Oh, have to run. The baby's up!
 

post #71 of 577

Gumshoe--placenta accreta (google it), but in short--baby came out, placenta didn't.  So after 25 hours of natural childbirth and with a baby on her chest, DW was told that she'd need an epidural, pitocin and emergency surgery to remove the placenta AND that she may need a hysterectomy (which, thank goodness she didn't).  The placenta was pulled out in "shards" (per the ob--it looked like small chunks of organ meat in the tub our doula took with her for the encapsulation) and DW lost a great deal of blood.  BUT on the plus side, it means that she gets 8 weeks of short term disability instead of just 6 ;)  

 

QOTD--I do the "deep" cleaning (things like the toilets, grout--but only when I get a "bee up my butt" about it), most heavy yard work (so that's seasonal and our yard is small), errands (grocery shopping etc) and 99% of the cooking.  DW is the one who picks up from day to day and does laundry and empties the dishwasher (I hate laundry and emptying the dishwasher).  I am the SAHM.  

 

Seraf--I seriously hadn't realized how much I rely on DW's active participation in the family until the past month or so...

 

And, in other news, we are considering adding our family to our sperm banks registry for donor family contact (we just have to decide how much relationship, if any, we would want with other families who share our donor).  So, we asked our bank how many families and children there are-and, -including us, there are only 5 families and 6 children and no pending pregnancies (our donor is sold out except for a smallish amount of sibling inventory).  

post #72 of 577
Thread Starter 
Gumshoe, that's A. Here's O trying to start the mower.

What's going on with your DS?


Wishin, 2 extra weeks isn't much of a prize for all that. How much total leave will she be taking? Is your DS1 handling things well still? Did the binky help?

AOTD: I am home a lot more now, so I've been doing the same housework but have more time to do it. We both pick up and sweep. She folds laundry and I do all but the big kids' dishes (um, and I still hate it). I cook. I mow and we both rake. I mop. I can't think of any other chores, that means either she does them or they don't get done, I suppose.
post #73 of 577

DW is taking 12 weeks--the two extra weeks means that none of it will be unpaid (a big plus!).  She is actually feeling a bit better today, and was able to spend some time downstairs snuggling the big boy and watching television with him.  Once we realized that cruciferous vegetables were the root of all gas/fussiness (and DW stopped eating them) DS2 has been gas free and way laid back.  AND, despite our fears the first couple of days, today he has taken two long naps not touching us (which actually seems weird and I am weirdly feeling guilty that we aren't holding him constantly) and now that DW's milk is in he's less sleepy, pretty content and (knock wood) WAY easier than DS1 was.  DS1 started doing some testing today and also informed me that "no one" loves him--he's pretty happy if we are ignoring the baby and prefers not to be reminded that we have "two sons".  There was a fair amount of "will you love me if..." testing today, but we've gone through that before and I think it will fade fast.  Mostly we are working on "filling his cup".

post #74 of 577

my three all have daily chores (a chore chart we post for the month). Sometimes I feel like I spend as much time helping them do chores than it would take to just do it myself but I have to remember that they need to learn to do these things. DP and I are really horrified by the way we see other children who are incapable of things as simple as making their beds or sweeping a floor.

 

I'm so in the midst of this crazy baby craving. And then I remember I already have three kiddos and a puppy and full time school work but jeez, no one is letting my uterus know this and I'm seeing babies EVERYWHERE. Especially in the gay/queer community. My partner and I talk about having another one but with everything we already have going on ... who knows.

post #75 of 577
Quote:
Originally Posted by seraf View Post

QOTD: How are household chores divided between adults in your house? How has this changed through your parenting journey?

 

I do most of the cleaning but lately DP has been doing a lot of it. We both do laundry depending on who's home on the days it needs doing. DP does the cat litter box. Personally, I'd like to have a day where it's "clean up" day but DP is adverse to any structure around that lol Her tolerance for mess is much higher than mine....and mine is fairly high. We also share the cooking - I do a bit more but it's pretty equal most of the time. 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by wishin'&hopin' View Post

 

And, in other news, we are considering adding our family to our sperm banks registry for donor family contact (we just have to decide how much relationship, if any, we would want with other families who share our donor).  So, we asked our bank how many families and children there are-and, -including us, there are only 5 families and 6 children and no pending pregnancies (our donor is sold out except for a smallish amount of sibling inventory).  

 

That's pretty exciting. And nice to know it's a fairly small group.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by wishin'&hopin' View Post

DW is taking 12 weeks--the two extra weeks means that none of it will be unpaid (a big plus!).  She is actually feeling a bit better today, and was able to spend some time downstairs snuggling the big boy and watching television with him.  Once we realized that cruciferous vegetables were the root of all gas/fussiness (and DW stopped eating them) DS2 has been gas free and way laid back.  AND, despite our fears the first couple of days, today he has taken two long naps not touching us (which actually seems weird and I am weirdly feeling guilty that we aren't holding him constantly) and now that DW's milk is in he's less sleepy, pretty content and (knock wood) WAY easier than DS1 was.  DS1 started doing some testing today and also informed me that "no one" loves him--he's pretty happy if we are ignoring the baby and prefers not to be reminded that we have "two sons".  There was a fair amount of "will you love me if..." testing today, but we've gone through that before and I think it will fade fast.  Mostly we are working on "filling his cup".

 

Good to hear DW is feeling a bit better. Sorry she's having such a rough time. I hope it passes quickly and everyone settles in soon.

 

Afm: I forgot to mention that I met with HR last week to set up my maternity leave. I need to decide when I'm going to stop working but that's the only thing up in the air. If DP isn't working on a show I'll consider working until Aug. 2 but if she is working my last day will be July 15. Everyone is encouraging me to go off July 15 anyway so I can rest before baby comes. However, I keep reminding them that being at work in the air conditioned office might be more restful than at home in August with a 3 year old ;) I will decide in the next couple of weeks. I'm booking 15 months off for sure with the option to take an extra 3 months off. I took a full 18 months with DD but this time will depend on DP's work situation...the film industry has taken a beating here in Vancouver so the work isn't quite as easy to come by. It's hard to believe that in less than 2 months I could be off for 18 months!!

post #76 of 577

Carmen, I am *so thankful* for Canadian maternity leave!  It will be so lovely to be home with your littles for so long.

 

QOTD:

 

Me: all initial home set-up and then editing (I like to change things up and move things along on a regular basis), decorating, tidying up, putting things where they belong, changing & making beds, organizing, vacuuming, dusting, all deep cleaning, and all incoming banking (deposits, shuffling money around, account maintenance), all family documents and medical appointments, packing for trips.

 

DP:  essentially *all* the cooking, and very nearly all of the grocery shopping (I cannot stand shopping!!!), plus she pays the bills and deals with all the outgoing money (as in, she's an amazing deal-finder, flights, etc).

We take turns with laundry (clothes and diapers), dishwasher duties, and most other chores.   

post #77 of 577
Hi Everyone!

Wishin--I hope she's feeling much better soon. I had a friend who went through something similar (though less severe, I think) and it sounded like it was just awful all around. Glad she at least gets some extra paid leave!

Starling--how long have you been a mod? smile.gif Do you ever listen to Josh Ritter? Every time I see your name I get his Snow is Gone song stuck in my head (which is lovely for spring).

QOTD--we try to split them, but I seem to get more of the house chores (cooking, shopping, yard stuff) and DP gets more baby chores.

We just got back from a few days in Milwaukee, which is such a charming city. Trying to decide whether we'd ever want to move up there. How did you all end up where you are?
post #78 of 577

Prettyisa--In brief, I did a wedding where we live now when DS was almost four months old and just over the course of the weekend, we felt we'd met so many wonderful folk who we could connect with and asked ourselves (at the time we lived someplace conservative and rural) "why don't we move someplace progressive, interesting and with lots of people like us?"  It's turned out to be a wonderful decision...we don't have helpful family (or family that lives places that are safe for an out/liberal lesbian couple), so the "help" of family factor wasn't something we needed to consider.  (We have lived in 3 different states as a couple--where we are now feels Midwest familiar to my wife and East coast reminiscent to me, which is really a compromise since I could easily have seen myself staying in MA and DW had a hard time leaving OH).

 

Speaking of DW, she is starting to feel a bit better--the day her milk came in was ROUGH.  Currently she has an appt to get a unit of blood tomorrow, but we are debating whether to stick to another round of IV iron (it takes two weeks to kick in).  I think the hardest part at the moment for her is feeling like she can't help--the hardest part for me is feeling like she can't help.  We'll make it tho'!  It helps that the little is so chill--he is good errand company and I'm able to give DW breaks from both boys between nursing sessions (DS1 didn't have breaks between nursing sessions!).  We are hoping he stays "easy" once he really wakes up!  

post #79 of 577

wishin -  how is the sucking need going? Our DD1 took a pacifier at a few days old and used it until around 4 months. She was huge on sucking. No problem with supply, breastfeeding went great. She also sucked on fingers. She seemed to suck all the time as a tiny babe, but it really faded out fast and she used the paci less and less.

 

Congrats on your little one! :) :)

 

carmen - I'm sorry about GD but glad your midwives are awesome and it sounds not to stressful to manage. THe pics of you and DD are so sweet. She must be so very excited! and awesome about 18 months. I hope your DP's work is smooth so that there are no stresses while you are off and you can be off as long as you wish.

 

starling - are you in Toronto area?

 

QOTD Chores - I do most of the cooking, groceries, shopping in general. I like to do handiwork, gardening, changing over closets for the seasons, organizing, etc... My wife does dishes and cleaning after dinner most of the time. She likes help with handiwork but not her skill set, and helps with weeding gardens. She likes doing more daily chores than bigger projects. We both do general house stuff. Often she and DD1 clean the bathrooms. I clean floors, tidy and dust. We both do laundry. She started scrubbing poop diapers when I was pregnant, and still mostly does that because we clean them after putting kids to bed and DD2 always takes longer becuase of breastfeeding.

 

QOTD Allowance - We have been offering DD1 a dollar for helping with bathrooms. I'm not sure about how we will proceed. I want to give my kids an increasingly large budget to work with over longer and longer periods of time so they learn good money management. Probably it will not be attached to chores, but not doing chores will have ramifications on some aspect of their lives. Perhaps some on money, some on other things? The looney inspires our 4 year old to stay focused and stay out of the way ot other work being done in the rest of the house and provides some sanity. Also she is learning that things cost money (she was confuysed why we couldn't just use our credit cards for anything all the time!). And about change, etc... so it feels alright for now.

 

AFM - My daughter Zo turned 4 this week! She is starting soccer next week. She is so... old... lol. I have a child. NOt a babe or a little kid - she's a kid. She is so determined to be an athlete. She practices all the time and is actually really good. It is awesome to see her so focued on something that neither DW or I are into, or at all skilled at. She wants to play sports with us all day long. We don't have a lot of money (we share a full time amount of work right now - so just one income) so it worries me we won't be abel to support her through expensive sports. But I'm sure we will figure it out. Plus she is 4 and who knows what she will love a year from now :)

 

For her birthday we went to the great wolf lodge. It was incredible time for our family. Relaxing for us, so much fun for the kids. Sage is so communicative and active now. They are both in really fun stages of life - made for one of those vacations we just didn't want to end (though it was only one night stay, 2 days in the water park so probably we could have stayed longer :) )

 

Thinking of all the new babes out there and those caring for them. Soon they will be focused on things they love and the some times exhaustive amount of energy babies require will be replaced with - well the sometimes exhaustive energy that 4 year olds require, but it is much much less exhaustive :) lol. But they might be spending hours practing soccer or writing their letters.

 

Peace!

 

 

 

At the waterpark she played basketball almost all day. I love her serious face  :)

post #80 of 577
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaviPDX View Post

DP and I are really horrified by the way we see other children who are incapable of things as simple as making their beds or sweeping a floor.

It's not just kids! Meeting many young adults in college who didn't know how to do laundry or boil water was a huge shock to me.

Wishin, where did you live before? Ohio has all kinds of problems but queer reproduction assistance wasn't one we dealt with. I'm glad you're having an easier time with the babe. I hope your DP feels better soon.

Starling, you have to rub in Canada's maternity leave? Just kidding. I'm glad to see more of you again. What is your oldest doing school-wise?

Isa, I grew up near where we used to live. My kids' mama lives there now, so I can't stray far and maintain 50/50 custody. 13 more years in Ohio, woo hoo. Where we are now I have neither friends nor family, an infrequently worked isolating job and its been hard on me.

QOTD: What do you and your partner look like? Just generally, hair, style, masculinity or femininity, visible tattoos, other things strangers notice?
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