This will be our first baby. It's been a pregnancy full of a lot of ups and downs and changes for us. Since we weren't really trying to conceive, the challenges have been a little above and beyond, because we could have been more prepared. We are now handling things alright, in terms of finances and having a place to bring the baby home to, but surprisingly, now that I'm in the last 4 weeks of the pregnancy and our life is stabalizing (money is okay, have a nice new place to call home, etc).....I am not perking up like I thought I would. Family has stepped up and helped us out with increased rent, and my husband has gone above and beyond trying to accomodate me. Of course, being in week 37, I'm tired. But it's not just that. I feel depressed. I am very, very, anxious, about STUPID things, like picking a wall decoration for a room. I had reasons to be worried before, when we lived in a crappy apartment, but now I have none, just left with worry and depression, for no reason! I should be happy.
Yes, I'm nesting, but it's to the extreme, and I am making myself miserable. I can't enjoy things like I should be. I see getting the nursery ready as a burden. I worry about every dollar spent because money is tight. I worry how practical the clothes we got as gifts are, and stress about how I will make the red and blue onesies look okay with the lime green and brown socks we received. Instead of thinking things are cute, I just see potential problems. My worrying is taking a huge toll on my health, because I look tired and don't get out of the house.
My husband wants me to enjoy being pregnant, but I feel like, how can I, with all that still needs to be done? It's a lot, trust me. You'd be horrified if you knew! Crib not even set up, hospital bag not packed, etc. He helps a lot, but I am the problem. I worry too much about every decision, then it takes forever. I can't delegate anything to him. Then I am exhausted and the decisions weigh on me. I haven't written any of my thank you notes, even though I am grateful......because thinking about what I didn't get makes my breathing speed up. I am truly my own worst enemy right now.
Then I stress about how it's affecting hubby. I want to pull it together for him, but every day closer to the due date seems to get me less ready for the birth, not more. I seem to only be leaving messes behind me: random half-eaten snacks, things I buy but then intend to return because I'm not sure, etc. I can't focus my thoughts, which is pregnancy hormones, but I am not productive at all. :( Then I beat myself up. I have so many lists of things to do, but I can't execute. Once I start trying to tackle something, my anxiety gets bad, then I have to stop. When I watch hubby attempt things, I get too anxious just watching him, and he has to go slow or I freak out.....because I am such a control freak right now.
I know it is anxiety and depression. Is it common for it to escalate in the month before the birth? Does this mean that after the birth, it'll be even worse???? It isn't worth treating with meds right now (my opinion), because I could give birth any day....and I am WAY too tired to go to therapy.
I need just some words of encouragement. Anyone been through this? How do I take it one step at a time? My sleep is getting worse too, so the days and nights are running together now...... I feel like without hubby here during the day, I get more depressed.