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Did this really just happen to me?

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 

I need to get this out because it is burning me up and I am a peaceful person, but OY!!! My husband died over two years ago. I didn't date until this fall. I met an amazing dude. It was really whirlwind and serious. I thought I had met a life partner. Our relationship was fantastic. A month ago he went away for five days to present at a conference and came home with a total change of heart. It was like a light switch. I was really hurt, but I was under the assumption that his reality wasn't my reality and I completely understood. We're a heavy package, I get that. Kids, animals, a mortgage, dead husband, etc. Also, he has some emotional baggage of his own that he needs to address. We remained on friendly terms and started gardening together at my house amicably and had frequent communication. That was all fine until he came through my line at the Natural and Organic Food Coop where I work with his new and much younger lady. I knew they were friends, but I felt the vibe when I was checking them out. She babbled on to me in a very familiar way about my garden and kids, which kind of threw me, but when she suggested I buy compost from a mutual farmer friend of ours who uses fish guts, things took a seriously icy turn. I thanked her for the info, and told her, you know, I would pass it on to my other friends, but I'm not down with fish guts (my family is vegan). I swear the temp dropped fifty degrees and she says to me in a cold, snide tone, "Yeah, I guess you wouldn't now, would you." I was looking at my computer screen when she said that, I turned and looked at her and she was looking at me with such loathing it chilled me. I looked at my ex gentleman friend and he just shrugged. I was like, WTF. I am used to people hating on my veganism, but what in the hell was this all about. Awkward. I talked to him that evening and learned they are indeed in a complicated and casual relationship. He assured me nothing happened while we were together. Whatever. I'm a lady, but I was like, let me get this straight -- we have been done for less then a month, you still have belongings at my house, and you're fu*king someone else?! OMG. We were going to get married, we were actively involved in each other's families, etc, etc, etc. Not even one month and you're on to someone else. Mind blowing and heart breaking. He picked up the rest of his stuff soon after that conversation. We are still facebook friends and I saw a couple nights ago that he is "madly in love" and FINALLY found "satiety" for the first time in his life. Seriously. My heart is so heavy. I'm a pacifist, but I saw them yesterday together walking into my brother in law's brewery, laughing and holding hands, hair whipping in the wind (the whole nine yards) as I was driving the kids to Grandma's to watch while I worked. It felt like a knife to the gut. My hands tightened on the wheel and I really wanted to run them over. I'm not kidding. A woman scorned, right?! Jeez. I don't like feeling this way. I am so easy going and these emotions are really messing with me. Honestly, I'm not unreasonable, if he really found his true love, I am happy for him. Really and truly. Matters of the heart, right. That being said, I still can't help the way I am feeling. I am so hurt. I still really love him. I don't have much in the way of experience in love. I married young and we were together for a decade. This just blows me away! UH.

post #2 of 15

That sucks! I'd be mad too. Especially having to deal with drama at your job. I'm sorry. Do you feel better today at least?

post #3 of 15

Oi. I would run far and fast from that one... wow. What a jerk! He could at least hide his mushy posts about his new girl from you!!!
 

post #4 of 15
Wow, what an awful situation greensad.gif I would be roaring mad if that happened to me also! Maybe hide his FB updates for now?
post #5 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by BabyMae09 View Post

Oi. I would run far and fast from that one... wow. What a jerk! He could at least hide his mushy posts about his new girl from you!!!
 

Ditto that.  Men who move too quickly in relationships are often not trustworthy, or can fall out of love just as quickly when the novelty of winning the catch wears off.  Sorry you had to go through that.

post #6 of 15
Thread Starter 

Oh, thanks, ladies. They came in again today and it really sucked. Thankfully, it was at the end of my shift and I was able to remove myself from the situation. I am going to hide his posts. I just checked FB and he posted a picture of their dinner and it was the BEST meal he ever ate, and he thanked his "love." Uh. It wasn't that long ago I made the best meal he had ever eaten and he called me his love. I feel physically ill, yo. Mentally, it's in check, but when I see them together I become so physically sick and sad. It sucks. I really trusted this dude. It is just mind blowing to me how fast he has moved on. Whatever. He clearly has issues. I know in my mind this is for the best, things being over now rather than later, and he clearly is f*cked in the love and relationship department, but my body just has a mind of its own in its reaction department. I imagine the physical reaction will wane as time passes, but for right now it's pretty rough. I haven't had an appetite. I've lost thirty pounds since the beginning of last month. Seriously. I'm not depressed, over all I am a genuinely happy person, but I'm having a really hard time finding any pleasure at all in food. What I am putting in my body is nutrient dense, but I know it's not enough. I am overweight so it's not like I'm gaunt, but I really hope this doesn't manifest into anything ugly. OY!

post #7 of 15
I am so sorry.

For the record, what he is doing really is super shxtty. Ending relationships always sucks and certainly no one is ever perfect at ending them. However, to bring his new gf into your place of work and update his fb with these things without hiding them from you WHILE keeping in contact with you is blatantly disrespectful. He is definitely in the wrong here and it's perfectly reasonable to be hurt about it. Just because you're easy going doesn't mean you're not human, girl. This stuff always sucks and he is totally violating your space here. For your own sake, would you feel comfortable giving yourself some space and cutting off contact? Asking him to not come to your place of work, stay away from your family, delete him of fb, ect. I never want to do those things because I want to think that I am understanding and compassionate, but the truth is that these situations ariously suck and some space can do wonders.

I am really sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.
post #8 of 15

I'm sorry, I know how much this sucks.  Try to be honest with yourself; you say you feel physically upset but mentally OK.  Actually, physical and mental is the same thing.  I only say this because I have been there too:  No, you don't want him to be happy with someone else.  How in the world could he fail to recognize how awesome you are???  This is not for the best.  This screws up everything.  Do NOT continue to be friends with him. 
Do NOT feel that you must be a good friend and support him finding the love of his life.  He is not your friend. 

 

There could also be an element of patriarchy going on here.  He is the man and makes his manly decisions and expects you to take your womanly place in supporting whatever he wants.  Don't fall for it. 

post #9 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by abbylotus View Post

Oh, thanks, ladies. They came in again today and it really sucked. Thankfully, it was at the end of my shift and I was able to remove myself from the situation. I am going to hide his posts. I just checked FB and he posted a picture of their dinner and it was the BEST meal he ever ate, and he thanked his "love." Uh. It wasn't that long ago I made the best meal he had ever eaten and he called me his love. I feel physically ill, yo. Mentally, it's in check, but when I see them together I become so physically sick and sad. It sucks. I really trusted this dude. It is just mind blowing to me how fast he has moved on. Whatever. He clearly has issues. I know in my mind this is for the best, things being over now rather than later, and he clearly is f*cked in the love and relationship department, but my body just has a mind of its own in its reaction department. I imagine the physical reaction will wane as time passes, but for right now it's pretty rough. I haven't had an appetite. I've lost thirty pounds since the beginning of last month. Seriously. I'm not depressed, over all I am a genuinely happy person, but I'm having a really hard time finding any pleasure at all in food. What I am putting in my body is nutrient dense, but I know it's not enough. I am overweight so it's not like I'm gaunt, but I really hope this doesn't manifest into anything ugly. OY!

 

Well... if you don't mind losing the weight, than at least you can thank him for that (in your own head)? I usually gain weight when I go through major breakups, so I'm a little jealous :)

 

If I'm way off base, then never mind  <3

 

Sorry he's an asshat!!

post #10 of 15
I had a marriage that ended after having been largely platonic for a long while. I waited about two years before dating seriously, when I met a man who seemed like he had it all (and he was SOOOO into me). We had a whirlwind very intense two month long relationship that ended suddenly and dropped me flat on my ass. It was so difficult. Since then, I learned the guy in question is a serial dater who "falls in love" about every # months. We dated about six years ago and he has since had over ten "serious" gf's.
A few months after our break up I started dating another man I didn't feel I had quite the same "chemistry" with. I approached our relationship much more cautiously and slowly and he was also coming out of a divorce so we went sloowww. We also each had young dd's and wanted to put them first. The break-up with the previous guy had done a number on my self-esteem and I'm sure affected dd in a negative way.
Fast forward five years, I am very happily partnered-for-life with my guy, our two girls and a toddler.
It is really smart to take it easy when newly dating after such a big loss and change incircumstance for you and your kids. Block the guy from your fb feed. Avoid him in public to the best of your abilities (it's ok to request "space" from him if you need it).
Come up with a way to spend your time when you're feeling bad...it's like coming off of a drug! Even if that's just watching buffy the vampire slayer reruns.
You will get through this and be better than ever.

And take care of yourself because your kids need you. Eat healthy food and get good sleep. The rest will follow.
post #11 of 15
Thread Starter 

Hey, ladies. I blocked his posts from my timeline. I actually talked to him today and he apologized for making things uncomfortable for me and said he never wanted to hurt me, but he really is "in love," etc. It was an amicable conversation considering. I did ask him not to go through my line anymore. Our city if pretty small and where I work is the only local and organic grocery store so he pretty much needs to come in and shop. It'll be fine. Ultimately, I am happy this happened now rather than later. Live and learn, live and learn. 

post #12 of 15

that does stink!  i would delete him from facebook period.  also, block him from contact.  life is too short to deal with foolishness.  hug2.gif

post #13 of 15
I was thinking about you today and really think you dodged a nasty bullet. Anyone who can move on that fast AND stay with a woman who will treat a significant other of his past like she did you is not emotionally available for you. At all. You don't come with baggage...you come with life, and he's not ready for life. I'm sure he has plenty of awesome qualities and is a good man, but there is something keeping him from long term commitment and that thing is not you or what you come with.
post #14 of 15
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoabirdie View Post

I was thinking about you today and really think you dodged a nasty bullet. Anyone who can move on that fast AND stay with a woman who will treat a significant other of his past like she did you is not emotionally available for you. At all. You don't come with baggage...you come with life, and he's not ready for life. I'm sure he has plenty of awesome qualities and is a good man, but there is something keeping him from long term commitment and that thing is not you or what you come with.

Thank you:-). So very true. Thanks.

post #15 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hillary77 View Post

I had a marriage that ended after having been largely platonic for a long while. I waited about two years before dating seriously, when I met a man who seemed like he had it all (and he was SOOOO into me). We had a whirlwind very intense two month long relationship that ended suddenly and dropped me flat on my ass. It was so difficult. Since then, I learned the guy in question is a serial dater who "falls in love" about every # months. We dated about six years ago and he has since had over ten "serious" gf's.
A few months after our break up I started dating another man I didn't feel I had quite the same "chemistry" with. I approached our relationship much more cautiously and slowly and he was also coming out of a divorce so we went sloowww. We also each had young dd's and wanted to put them first. The break-up with the previous guy had done a number on my self-esteem and I'm sure affected dd in a negative way.
Fast forward five years, I am very happily partnered-for-life with my guy, our two girls and a toddler.
It is really smart to take it easy when newly dating after such a big loss and change incircumstance for you and your kids. Block the guy from your fb feed. Avoid him in public to the best of your abilities (it's ok to request "space" from him if you need it).
 
 

 

Hilary77 this is exactly what I want and expect in the dating world. I think it is pretty rare! I keep asking where are all the men who are respectful, kind, and want to take it slow in the dating world?

 

abbylotus--Ugh what is wrong with men? I have been cheated on and I will say that your xbf's change of heart just before your break up is classic signs of an affair. Since they started dating so quickly it wouldn't surprise me if he had started to grow feelings for her before he called it off with you. But yah, men are trouble, I am trying my best to avoid them. I dated someone seriously just after my divorce and the guy fell for me way to fast and just wanted too much, more than i can give. He was saying "ILY" before we had dated a month. There was lots of chemistry but it was just too much drama. On top that I was dealing with xdh and the new divorce issues. Anyway back to my xbf. I broke it off not him, and he wanted to stay friends, he called me up bragging about hanging out with his xgf, and another female friend within a couple weeks of me calling it off. Just as friends he claimed. Whatever. I finally told him not to contact me at all, no texts or emails or phone calls. I am not fb friends with him because he deleted me, but I happened to see his cover photo from a while back. It was of him and his daughter and I believe his xgf(xgf is not his daughters mother), they were at the restaurtant he told me he was taking his daughter to for valentines day. He left out the fact he was taking his xgf too. Valentines day was 2 weeks after we broke up. I agree with others, men that can't take a break between women have a lot of issues. I am not dating. I have entertained the idea of getting back with xdh, which i quickly decided against, and found myself on a date with a guy from POF (pretty much because I was bored) that never turned into anything, but overall I am trying my best to not date and work on myself. I need time to decompress between men.

 

Hang in there, it must be really hard to have to see him and her together often. Like others said, try to keep busy, it will get easier...

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