Hey mamas! I am 25 weeks now and just failed my one hour glucose test by 10 points. I had borderline GD last pregnancy and controlled it with diet and exercise. I knew my chances of having it again were quite high but I tried to be hopeful :( I asked my midwives if I could skip the 3 hour and go straight to diet, exercise and finger pricking but they wanted me to do the 3 hour diagnostic test. I am certain I failed today so here I am heading down that path again which is bringing up all kinds of emotions again. Even though my midwives have told me a 100 times that it is not my fault and it is just what my body is doing but it is embarrassing, annoying, and a reminder of my last pregnancy. I have been even healthier this time (no processed foods, high protein, lots of raw greens, great supps, etc) and very active but I guess it doesn't matter. I'll deal and finger prick 4 times a day. (Then there is the higher possibility of having diabetes later in life and my daughter having it too, which is a whole other issue/concern for me).
Last time I went from having a birthing center birth to a c-section at a hospital. It all changed for me at 36 weeks when my BP went up and never came down. I never developed pre-e, just hypertension. SO, this pregnancy, I have been monitoring it at home. My results has been great, no issues. When I have it read at the office, it is always high. Not too high, but higher. My appointment on Monday was really stressful for me because we were discussing the VBAC and I was having my blood drawn for the gluclose test. My reading was 140/78. If I hit 140/90 twice, I need to transfer to hospital care. That 140 number is being counted but my home numbers are factored in as well.
Anyway, besides all of that, I am just not feeling a good connection with my midwives. There are being cautious of course, which is fine and I know my pregnancy is just a wait and see kind of thing. And I have only seen them a handful of times but I just don't know if I feel they are the ones for me. Today, I started questioning my whole decision to have a HB VBAC. I know the risks, which are low. My placenta is in the back, my scar is thick and entering a hospital will just up for chances for a repeat CS.
While I think I have moved on from my first c-section, I am having feelings of anger and sadness. Why can't I just have a normal pregnancy? What can't I just have a real chance of experiencing a vaginal birth? I am realizing a lot of it is the pressure, feeling embarrassed. I am a doula so people expect more of me and me of myself. I live in Portland, OR where EVERYONE has a home birth. I don't know anyone who has experienced my health issues. I just feel alone. I feel sad and feel like I can't enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy. I feel defeated like I already know what will happen. And I am questioning if I should change midwives or just go ahead and switch to hospital care (more monitoring, no water birth).
But I am a fighter at the same time! I know the birth is not is important in the grand scheme of things. It is the experience of being a parent and of course I want what is best for my child.
On top of it all, our insurance sucks and I will have all these bills so there is the financial piece too.
Sorry, I feel like I am going on and on.
Thanks for listening.