My mom is divorced, lives alone, and while she does attend social activities with co-workers and takes trips with girlfriends, she is not particularly close to anyone. She has major insecurities she adamantly denies and refuses to take advice from anyone. During my childhood, she was extremely dedicated my brother and I which was wonderful in some respects but she definitely smothered the heck out of me. My father treated her terribly and she really fulfilled her emotional needs through me when I was younger. When I was ~12 I withdrew from her (as all tweens do) and she took it extremely hard. We were not close at all through my teenage years and I certainly wouldn't call us close now but for the most part we manage ok. She doesn't mean any harm but refuses to acknowledge she ever does anything wrong and insists she is perfectly happy.
Her relationship with my 6yo DD is worrying me. When she is around her she (1) completely takes over as her mom, to the point where I have to remind her that I am the mom on occasion and what I say goes (2) caters to her every whim and freely admits it (saying how wonderful it is to never have to be the bad guy), taking her anywhere she wants to go, fully engaging in child play for extended periods of time, etc.
Now, I didn't particularly worry or care about any of this (who wouldn't want a grandma like that?) but (1) DD is starting to say things like, "no - Mimi says XX and she knows more than you because she is YOUR mother" (2) when my mom enters the scene, she instantly wants her and no one else and (3) the last two times we have left her my DD has SOBBED for long periods of time (an hour last weekend). I've never seen DD that upset in my life.
Here's an example: we are at Mother's day brunch on Sunday. DD is sitting 2 seats away from me on my mother's lap. I tell DD to get in her seat. My mom says "oh no, she's fine." My mom then proceeds to take her to the buffet 7+ times, cut her food for her, while constantly repeating what DD says (to announce to the table how cute she is).
My mom lives about 3 hours away, BTW.
My DH thinks my mom is a nutcase and now says he doesn't want our DD left alone with her at all. This is a huge blow to our lives, as she was the one person who we could trust (and was willing) to watch her for overnight trips.
I need to start by talking to my mom about this. I'm thinking I should talk about how upset DD was and that she needs to "pull back". I know this conversation will not go well.
I'd love to hear others' opinions on this and advice on what I should do about this moving forward. Thanks a lot.