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When did you start loving your second child as much as your first?

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
I'm curious to hear about when people started loving their second child as much as they loved their first child. Was it before birth? At birth? Did it take some time? Was there a point when you realized you loved the second one as much, or did it just develop gradually?

We're still just at the end of the first trimester, but at this point there is no comparison between how much I love our son and how much I care about this fetus. I trust that I will eventually love this baby as much as I love our son, but I'm curious about when it will happen.

Thanks! orngbiggrin.gif
post #2 of 13
I think it was at birth, for me. The transition from one to two felt pretty big, scary, and stressful. I think a lot of that was, in part, because DS broke his femur one month before DD was born. He was in a 2-legged cast from ankles to ribs, and that was really a challenge for me as SAHM nearing delivery, then for 2 months postpartum with no help when DH was at work. It took nothing to fall in love with DD, but the grief over the loss of my one-on-one relationship was heartbreaking for me. Luckily, he was very accepting and patient for his little 3 year old self, and he got lots of extra special daddy time after her arrival. Now that DD is nearly 2, their relationship is amazing and has been for quite awhile. She adores him so much, and he is very nurturing, playful and mostly patient with her. I wouldn't trade this for anything, but I still struggle to give DS that special time I still sometimes mourn. As DD gets older and weaned, it will get much easier to do that. Don't worry mama, you'll fall in love at the perfect moment, and everything will be just fine in the end. smile.gif
post #3 of 13

For me (a father), I would have to say I loved them (we had twins as our "second") at birth or soon after. Meaning I felt a strong desire to make sure they were well taken cared of and protected. Until birth they were very much abstract. But it was the same with our first.

 

They are 5 months old now, and I would have to say that the love for them as individual amazing little human beings is slowly growing. To be honest, I would have to say I still have a stronger love for my DD (our first) than I do for them.

I love them with all my heart. They are my children. But in some ways they are still kind of abstract personalities.

 

With my DD, I think I bonded with her quicker. Maybe because there was only one of her and I found it harder and more overwhelming with two infants. Maybe because I didn't have a three year old to also bond with at the same time.

 

I find that I was more hands on with her as an infant. And now my role is taking on more of the care of the older child to free my wife to have more ability to care for the babies.

 

But, you will love all your children. Your heart and sole has an infinate amount of love available.

 

It is hard to imagine that you can love anyone as much as you love your child.

Just before the twins were born I actually started to regret that they were coming and resent them a bit for interupting and changing the relationship we had with our DD. I felt a bit papa bear and angry at them for taking something away from her. I think that is pretty normal for parents to feel.

 

Having them has enriched all of our lives. My DD is loving having them to entertain.

post #4 of 13

I was really scared during my second pregnancy that my son wouldn't feel like part of the family right away.  I knew I loved him already while I was pregnant with him, but my relationship with my daughter felt so natural and right that I was worried bringing someone new into it would take some adjustment, mentally and emotionally, for me.  I didnt' *know* the baby the way I knew my daughter and that was weird for me. 

 

However, when he was born, it just felt completely right to me right away-like he had always been there, you know?  I loved him and he was my son and his sister's brother immediately. 

 

Now, not to say that everything was sunshine and roses-of course it took months (years?!!!!) to adjust to being a mom of 2 and for dd to adjust to having a new baby brother.  But that sense of belonging/madly in love happened right away for me. 

post #5 of 13
When did I love DS2 as much as DS1? I loved DS2 at birth but didn't really know HOW much until later that night he aspirated fluid while spitting up and we had to rush him to the hospital. I would have given anything to help him, the same way I would have with DS1. I think for me love was instant and powerfully strong. Perhaps different since I didn't know DS2 as well as DS1 but dang, I loved my newbie quite fiercely.

I know some moms who take a few weeks to madly love their new LOs though they still regard them as their child and will protect them to death. Much if the time though your love just grows in a mind boggling way, instantaneously. Whether it takes weeks or seconds, it does happen smile.gif
post #6 of 13
At birth, just happens!
It's very amorphous prior...
post #7 of 13
When I had my first baby, I was already raising my two very young step-children as my own. I love my step-children very much, but holding my first baby for the first time with all those post-birth hormones -- it's undeniable that it was a huge thing. I knew right away that I did not want to have any comparison between how I felt about him and how I felt about the older kids, because it would be completely unfair. So I started saying things like, "You're the best Seamus in the whole world. I've never loved any Seamus as much as I love you!" That let me express how I felt without comparison. And yes, I told the older ones the same thing about them, because it's also completely true! smile.gif

I think this prepared me for when I had my second baby. It never really occurred to me to ask whether I could ever love him as much as his older brother. There just wasn't a comparison. The older three were all the very best of themselves that I had ever known, and the new baby would be the most amazing Hamish ever, and I would love him more than any other Hamish there ever had been. wink1.gif

Now it's a thing, and it's how I tell my kids I love them all the time. Sometimes I tease them and say things like, "Yeah, I had another Hamish before you, but I didn't like him, so I threw him back. You're a much better Hamish than he was!" LOL.
post #8 of 13

probably from conception....definitely at birth

post #9 of 13

birth. It was the third baby I was concerned about. I had a tough pregnancy and he was "unplanned" and I just was so busy I barely thought of him. But as son as he was born I loved him and to be honest, I bonded easier with him as a newborn than my other two! 

post #10 of 13
Thread Starter 
Thank you, everyone, for these thoughtful responses. It's nice to hear that somehow it does happen, and often right at birth. Hopefully that will happen for me too!
post #11 of 13

Thanks for bringing this up.  I think it took me a couple of years,actually, to be fully and completely in love with dd2.  It is not something I shared with anyone, and felt like a bad parent because I was not head over heels for this child the way I was for my oldest.  Then I stopped thinking abut it for a while, and when I remembered that this was something of a crisis for me once upon a time, I realized that I didn't feel that way anymore-- that I adored my daughter with all my heart.  

 

So, it took me a while, and that's OK, too.

post #12 of 13
Thread Starter 
Thanks, SweetSilver. It's good to remember that even if it doesn't happen right away that can be ok too.
post #13 of 13

It is OK, though it is a Mother's Secret,  I would never tell my daughter, not now, not as an adult, that it took me that long for her to win me over.  When she becomes a mother and if she agonizes over it, I might consider.  But I think just letting her know that it can take time sometimes would be enough.

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