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Petrified of giving birth this time around

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 

I had a very healthy and uneventful pregnancy with my 1st son. We had a water birth center we picket out for the birth and my 2 midwives were amazing throughout the pregnancy. I went into labor on Monday morning and went to the birth center by Tuesday morning since my contractions were consistently 3 minutes apart and very intense due to my boy being posterior (back labor). The pool and counter pressure felt amazing. Long story short, on Wednesday I went through transition, but swelled back to a 6 (was at a 9!) I was exhausted. Baby's heart rate was dropping, we tried birth stool, birth ball, she tried to flip him, NOTHING eased my pain or got labor to progress again-it was like the contractions stopped working, they just hurt. Everyone agreed I should be transferred to the hospital--this just felt "wrong" and I was giving up. In the ride over to the hospital I went through transition again, it was overwhelming. At the hospital I was checked and they said 7....I lost my mind and started bawling--only at a 7?! I couldn't do it anymore, got the epidural at midnight and after they checked me at 3 am, they said I was ready to push. The epidural was turned off right away (due to baby's position I needed to squat during pushing or get c-section per on call OB) and by 4am I go the feeling back in my legs to squat...fast forward to 9:05am when he was actually born. 4 days of labor, 5 hours of pushing and my little man was born BOTH hands by his face and never flipped to the correct position. My tail bone was broken, I tore, and the whole experience just gives me anxiety and fear beyond words of going through this again. I keep telling myself that I got a healthy baby boy, and my birth wasnt ideal but it doesnt matter anymore, but I cant shake this feeling still, and my son is now 4.

 

I called my insurance and even asked about an elective c-section this week. Four years ago when I was pregnant with my 1st this option wasnt even an option in my mind, not even at the hospital on day 3 of posterior labor--I was so dead set on pushing him out naturally. This time around, it sounds like bliss :-(

 

Does ANYONE else have fear or a similar painful birth? How did you deal? I just feel that 4 years later, ideally I should be over it, right?

post #2 of 14
I am right there with you. My labor was three days. I totally forgot how bad it hurt until I was pregnant again. I had great birth trauma therapy after DS1s birth and that had changed my perspective on birth. This time I will start in a hospital, have a doula and not second guess pain meds if needed. I am hopeful it will go better but not counting on it. My birth trauma therapist does phone sessions fyi.
post #3 of 14

My situation was less traumatic than yours but I did end up with a failed induction and unnecesarean when I was hoping for a natural water birth.  My two VBACs were better but still really really hard.  I have come to grips with the fact that I will probably never have a perfect birth.  What helped me get to this point was #1 writing a letter to the midwife that were there for my unnecesarean because I really feel like I was cut open because it was 6pm on a Sunday night and she wanted to go home, #2 choosing a different provider for my next births, #3 the Hynobabies Fear Release CD, and #4 having other births after my first.

 

For the baby I am just expecting an average birth.  Not the worst because I am not expecting another cesarean but I am expecting I will probably be induced again and if that happens I want an epidural.  I am ok with that.

post #4 of 14

I do have a friend who chose an elective cesarean after a previous traumatic birth that the baby had shoulder dystocia.  She said the cesarean and recovery were a million times easier.  I don't know that I would've chosen that but I respect her decision is that situation.

post #5 of 14
I'm scared. I can relate to your fears. My daughter was posterior and was stuck. The nurses were yelling at me to push for ten seconds while holding my breath, to not vocalize, just lay on my back.

She was vacuumed out of me, without giving me a chance to stretch at all, and I was sewed up without sufficient anaesthetic, so I was screaming the whole time. I even got a tear near my clitoris that was sewed up too tightly, which makes arousal and orgasm incredibly difficult and sometimes even painful.

It was what I imagined hell to be like.

I am so afraid. I know that I don't want a c section. My friend just had her second c section because she didn't want to attempt a vbac and I can't help but feel envious. I would love to be cut open under anesthetic, and just have this baby, but I know that it's not right for me, or for my child.

I am having the worst time facing the fact that I'm going to have to go through this again. I know that every birth is different, but I just don't know how I'm going to do this again.
post #6 of 14
My first birth experience was also incredibly traumatic. I went to therapy and talked about it a lot. When I became pregnant again, I worked through the book "Birthing From Within", it helped so much! I got a doula for my second birth and felt much more prepared. Even though DS2's labour/birth was similar to DS1's, I was in a much better place emotionally and it turned out to be a truly empowering birth- even though it was a "failed" VBAC!

Fear is good. Fear gives you something to work with! You can brainstorm solutions to the things you are afraid of happening and if they should happen, you'll already have a plan!

There is no harm in exploring an elective cesarean- doesn't mean you have to follow through! If knowing it's an option brings you some peace, then go ahead and consider it.
post #7 of 14
Owlhowl, Pam England who wrote Birthing From Within was my trauma therapist:)
post #8 of 14
That's awesome! I am a huge Birthing From Within fan! I reccommend it to all of my clients and all of my preggo friends. I can't wait to read it again with this pregnancy!
post #9 of 14
Thread Starter 

Thank you for all of your responses ladies, definitely comforting knowing I am not the only one scarred happytears.gif I will look into ordering Birthing from Within from Amazon since a few of you mentioned it.

post #10 of 14
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by herbivora View Post

I'm scared. I can relate to your fears. My daughter was posterior and was stuck. The nurses were yelling at me to push for ten seconds while holding my breath, to not vocalize, just lay on my back.

She was vacuumed out of me, without giving me a chance to stretch at all, and I was sewed up without sufficient anaesthetic, so I was screaming the whole time. I even got a tear near my clitoris that was sewed up too tightly, which makes arousal and orgasm incredibly difficult and sometimes even painful.

It was what I imagined hell to be like.

I am so afraid. I know that I don't want a c section. My friend just had her second c section because she didn't want to attempt a vbac and I can't help but feel envious. I would love to be cut open under anesthetic, and just have this baby, but I know that it's not right for me, or for my child.

I am having the worst time facing the fact that I'm going to have to go through this again. I know that every birth is different, but I just don't know how I'm going to do this again.

HUGS!! That sound horrible, I didnt let them stitch me up...I was over it at that point and no one was allowed to touch my vag after placenta came out (I know, I'm weird). The doctor even said that I was crazy and that it wont heal right....I was like whatever man, go away already. It did heal eventually. SO SORRY you felt them sewing you. Do you know what the statistics are if you already tore during one labor if subsequent labors you will tear in the same place? Will it be more or less painful? I cant seem to find a clear answer when I did an online search... 

post #11 of 14
I don't know statistics about tearing but i did tear in the same place to the same degree with both vbacs. I wonder if delivering on all fours would be better...but I'm probably getting an epi this time so it wouldn't be an option. My stitches were much better the second time and a mistake that left a skin flap the first time wasfixed.
post #12 of 14
Herbivora - I would all your doc or midwife if they can fix that after this birth. They might be able too. Or as unpleasant as it is I would think about repair work. No one should have to live like that.
post #13 of 14
Most of the difficulties I've had in labor have had to do with bad care providers, which I am DEFINITELY terrified about this time around. Oddly enough, that's why I'm birthing in a hospital again this time. I'm more afraid of switching to a midwife I don't know than sticking with the doctor I actually trust, especially after searching for him for so long! I did have one birth that was difficult for actual reasons, rather than some doctor or nurse CAUSING the problem, but it wasn't nearly as bad as what you went through. It was actually kind of healing for me. After having all of these doctors basically torture me in the name of avoiding a problem, to have a serious problem and successfully resolve it WITHOUT anyone being an ass to me was huge, and wonderful. Sometimes people don't understand that, because yes, my daughter almost died. But it's like it showed me what lifesaving medical care is SUPPOSED to be. If we were going to have a serious problem, it couldn't have gone any better!

Uh, kind of going off on a tangent, sorry. I do still have a lot of fear, resentment, and trauma from my first baby's birth (eleven years ago), and especially my second baby (nine years ago). I think it's a lot of work to come to a place where you can live with what happened, but there's no magic time or point where you "should be over it." If it still hurts, it still hurts. I do hope that some of the suggestions in this thread might help you get to a place where you have enough peace to enjoy this pregnancy, and I hope that this birth goes much better for you. *HUGS*
post #14 of 14
I had a traumatic first birth. In the hospital with midwives. I was induced with pitocin 2 weeks early. If I'd been with a doc I would have had a c-section as he was transverse, I was pre eclamptic, PIH, etc... We got him turned (most painful moments of my life. I seriously thought I might die during pushing. I was exhausted and I would have given anything for a c section at thy point but I seriously think I was in a state of dissociation. I tore (took 7 months to heal), my tailbone was rebroken, and I was shattered. I think post traumatic stress from traumatic births is REAL. Afterwards, i went back in worked in some trauma workbooks i had left from when i worked on healing past sexual abuse. It helped some... Birthing from Within helped the rest o the way. With my last successful pregnancy, I was terrified. I just knew it would happen again.... That I would end up in a hospital miserable. I had to give myself permission to get an epi or c-section if needed. Once I got about half way through I felt stronger and more confident in my body, my providers, etc... Somewhere along the way hope happened. I had THE most fabulous, healing water birth- i didn't even tear. I was up around within hours. I share this because better birth CAN happen. You CAN have a different birth, or it can be just as bad, its unpredictable (which seems so unfair!!) Prepare for either, be open to the possibility that it may be healing for you, however you choose to have it. The difference was: just a different pregnancy (and maybe the water really did help). I didn't have any big revelations that changed my birth philosophies. I just kinda lucked out.
So... I am terrified of this next birth being like the first. I had really wanted to end my labor history on that note. I'm scared all over again. (Hugs) hope this made a shred of sense. I should be in bed, lol.
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