Is anyone else having a really hard time emotionally? I am normally kind of up and down emotionally, it's just always been my nature being prone to depression.... but being pregnant now I feel completely insane. I really am not happy with my life- I feel like I have no support- I know a ton of people, but they are all shallow relationships, my friends that are girls I don't feel very close with and it always seems like I am the one trying to make plans with people and a lot of the time I get flaked on, stood up, rescheduled... doesn't feel good. I don't have the energy anymore to continue reaching out trying to get together with friends, who aren't even that good of friends because they don't care enough to be there when i need them-- but at the same time no one is reaching out to me inviting me places or making plans... I just give up. It seems pointless either way. The best I can hope for socially is to just go to community events and see people on the surface level, and occasionally someone will text me to check on how I'm doing.
Additionally.... my husband is a high school teacher and he is gone literally every day 7am-7pm and he has insomnia and doesn't sleep, gets up like 5-6 times a night and eats food in the middle of the night which drives me crazy because he eats everything that is readily available to eat (he doesn't cook) and we are left with a fridge of raw vegetables and a pantry of nothing but rice and quinoa. It's super annoying and he refuses to get a sleep study done to fix it. He should get home at 4pm but he insists on going to the gym or doing outdoor exercise for 2 hours after school and then runs errands or whatever so I just never see him. So essentially I am alone all day every day during the week with the exception of the 2 sucky hours between the time he gets home and falls asleep. I have nothing to do in between- I have been looking for a job since AUGUST 2012! I was teaching yoga pretty regularly but there is no room on the schedule for me anymore so I'm on a substitute basis at every studio in town and there are like 300 teachers where I live so it's super competitive and I am out of work. I had a job at a health food store working in the supplement/bodycare section but they "laid me off" because I couldn't work the only shifts they had available- which was 3pm-10pm--I get super tired around 8 and fall asleep at 9ish so there was no way I could work that. I'm not eligible for unemployment or disability because I didn't work there a full quarter.
so.... I have no money, no income, I'm alone 90% of the time, and I feel like I have no support and no power. Everything has changed so much in the last year. I used to be SO independent and have so much income and way more social.... but since quitting my former job (at my husbands insistence) I've been broke. I've never had to worry about money before- I can't pay any bills because I have no income. I can't afford clothes or my cell phone bill, or supplements/vitamins... my husbands salary is barely enough to get by on for the both of us- but we make too much to get food stamps or any aid. Makes me want to do pregnant internet porn. I can't stand not being able to buy the things I need. I've tried all the "free" ways to get things i need... got samples of prenatal vitamins and such from health food store, we get free produce at the end of the farmer's market on sunday, i did a couple clothing swaps with girl "friends"... but I dont feel good about myself and the bottom line is I don't have what i need.
I don't know how we're going to pull it together in order to have a baby and have everything we need- even stuff for postpartum that we need like freaking maxi pads and throw away underwear and witch hazel and nursing bras and the MIDWIFE FEE of 5K, and all that... I just don't see how it's going to work. I also HATE where we live. It's a fourplex apartment on the second story, so that means stairs which is going to suck postpartum, and the people below us have a house that REEKS of some nasty synthetic air freshener and it blows into our windows and makes me want to puke, not to mention the woman who lives there is HORRID and comes up to complain to us about everything. She bitched at my midwife for parking in "her" spot, she bitched at my husband and I for HAVING SEX WITH THE WINDOW OPEN.... who has sex with the window closed??? It's okay for children to hear people arguing but not to hear them making love??? She has a 2 year old son and used the term "there's children living here, all the moaning and groaning it's inappropriate". Are you kidding me lady?? I want to write her a letter and put it on her door how i'm concerned that I never hear her have sex because it's normal and natural and we will do it all we want (not that I want to any more I currently am PISSED at my husband). I want a big house with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and big backyard close to the beach.
I used to be SO good at "manifesting" what I wanted to see in my life. Literally this time last year I was single, living in a rented room and living a completely different lifestyle... I wanted to meet my soulmate, get married and have a family and a year later I have all of that. I've just been so depressed and emotional, just crying to the point of hyperventilating and gagging, and I know it's not good for the baby which just makes me feel guiltier and worse... I'm probably "down" 50% of the time, super depressed/nonfunctional 30% of the time, and happy/normal/functional 20% of the time. It's no wonder though because I have no support system here, no family where we live, no job, no income, no power, nothing to occupy my time with, the only things I do during the week are sell my husbands stupid designer vinyl toy collection on ebay, go to the post office and ship things, go to yoga, go to the gym, cook and clean the house. UGH
idk what to do.