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The loss of affection - Page 2

post #21 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alenushka View Post

I am tired of men getting a free pass.

It did not matter how many hours I worked or work, or how many jobs, I still took care of kids and housework.


And yet I had to hear from my ex "But I worked long hours"

So what? We all work hard but somehow more women manage to do other things on top of work.

And it is not amount of house  work that counts, it is doing something that helps!

Your experience is not the OP's experience. No one really knows the OP's experience, except the OP and his wife. It's not fair to paint every man with the same brush.

My husband does not get a "free pass". He works like crazy. He travels like crazy. He does it all for his family. He is very appreciative of me as I am him. When he comes homes at 10pm after traveling for sixteen hours the previous day I am not going to scold him for not making breakfast!
post #22 of 82
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Edited by ronart - 5/27/13 at 12:18pm
post #23 of 82
Thread Starter 
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Edited by ronart - 5/27/13 at 12:19pm
post #24 of 82

One thing to remember is that, with small children, being the primary caregiver is often a very tactile thing. When there is (finally) some respite (like when kiddo is asleep), touching can be the last thing one wants.

 

Additionally, the primary caregiver often has to put aside his/her needs/wants when they are "on the job". I, personally, found it more difficult being a SAHP than working outside the home. With the former, I spent entire days with only the child to talk to, do things with/for, etc. When I worked, I could talk to other adults, choose what to have for lunch, go to the bathroom by myself when I wanted/needed. 

 

With our first child, I stayed home (my company was shutting down, and had started laying employees off. I requested to be in the wave of layoffs that coincided with our son's birth). Since my spouse was working, it made sense that I would do nights with the babe as well. All I asked was one night (Fri or Sat) where I could sleep and he would get up, so that I could recharge. Unfortunately, his idea of caring for the child at night was to turn on all the lights, play with the child as loudly as possible, and then bring him to me with "I just can't get him back to sleep!" I quickly learned that it made more sense for me to just get up myself. (And yes, he eventually admitted that he did it on purpose so I'd just get up myself.) I can tell you that it did not make me particularly enthused to provide affection of any sort. 

 

I know another thing I found was that I felt my child actually DID need me. He could not do for himself, so it had to be done for him. My (now ex) husband? Was a grown man and really could have done some things, instead of expecting them to be done for him. I felt that we were supposed to be partners, raising our child together - him by going out to work, me by staying home, but at the end of the day sharing the raising of our child. But it felt like his job ended at 5pm, while mine not only ran 24/7 but the workload increased at 5pm, when I suddenly acquired what seemed to be a second child. It created a lot of resentment. 

 

OP - you asked for people's experiences, and you've received others as well. But somehow, you get nasty when we share OUR experiences with you. Obviously, we are not in your marriage - but you asked for our input/experiences. But you might actually learn something from what we're posting. Your choice.

 

And to those who have said it's not fair to call OP spoiled? He is the one who described himself as such. 

post #25 of 82
He was calling himself spoiled as a way of showing appreciation and recognition for everything his wife does. He wasn't saying what some are suggesting: "I am lazy and don't appreciate my wife. I expect her to do everything because I am the man and that's how it's supposed to be."

I'm sorry, OP. Unfortunately, many people come to these boards to commiserate and for compassion. It's inevitable that others come to judge and make assumptions, usually negative ones. That's just how the Internet is, I guess.. :-/
post #26 of 82
Thread Starter 
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Edited by ronart - 5/27/13 at 12:19pm
post #27 of 82
OP, since your sharing these responses with your wife, has that opened up the communication a bit regarding the loss of affection? I think if you are able to show her this thread that would be a great way to begin the process back to showing more affection toward each other. :-)
post #28 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by ronart View Post

I really enjoyed your post.  You provided some very useful insight from your own personal experiences. 

 

Like you, my wife has a 24/7 gig.  I am amazed at her resolve.  I am encouraged by her commitment.  Women like you and wife inspire me.  Your ex lost out big by not understanding, accepting, or honoring the passion you invest into parenting.  

 

I am appreciative of you calling out my "nasty" responses to peoples posts.  Correct me if I am wrong, but when someone shares their own experiences I have always honored and appreciated their contributions to the thread.  I only get "nasty" when someone tells me what I need to do.  I never asked for direct advise on what I need to change in my behavior I simple asked for people to share their experiences.  I have learned a lot from posts like yours.  I learn from the shared experiences from the wonderful people on this site.  My hope is that those who failed to provide their experiences and simply attempted to provide specific behavior changes in myself will read our posts and understand what is most helpful.  

 

I did call myself spoiled because I am.  I just asked my wife if I spoil her, and she said yes. We believe that it is our job to spoil one another.  We love and cherish each other and make considerable efforts make the other feel appreciated and loved.  We love spoiling the other, and our little one.

 

And fair enough. I will say that I think you took a lot pf the posts the wrong way. Yes, they told you what they felt you should do - but from the vantage point of what they wished they had gotten. They really did provide what you asked for, but in a way you may not have appreciated. Something to consider. 

 

My ex? There is a lot more involved than what I posted, most of which is not relevant here. But did he lose a lot? Yes, he did. 15 years later, he has a minimal relationship with our oldest child, and none with our youngest. Both are really amazing kids. Just kids that followed their own paths instead of those he wanted to direct. But hey - he has a new wife and new (step)kids. <shrug>

 

<other thoughts> 

 

I remember when our oldest was still wee... I had played softball with my former company once a week, and that was something I REALLY wanted to continue. I figured it gave me a couple of hours to myself, being physical (and therefore losing a bit of baby weight), connecting with friends and recharging. He was all for that! As long as I took the babe with me. Kind of defeated the purpose. Luckily, the team (girls AND guys) stepped in when I was up or in the field to watch him. But God Forbid if I stayed a half hour or so after the game to shoot the breeze. Having those three hours a week (half hour warm-up, hour and a half game, half hour after)? Would have done so much for our relationship. 

 

His business travel 2-3 weeks a month? We got used to life without him. (And no - it was not required)

post #29 of 82
Thread Starter 
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Edited by ronart - 5/27/13 at 12:19pm
post #30 of 82

IF we are so nasty and bitter, how come you are the one posting here about your loss of affection? You are not taking anyone's advice but it is obvious that whatever it is you are doing is not working.

 

Even with all of my ex's shortcomings, I always wanted to give affections and sex to him, and I did because while not perfect, he would never call himself "spoiled" as he did what he could. Than deep understanding of what he needed to do came after I went away on a work trip for a month and left him alone with 2 kids under age 3.

 

People do not stop having sex or giving affection to another person for no reason.

post #31 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by ronart View Post

I would never post anything on this site that involved my partner without first discussing it with the wifey.  The post comes after several long conversations over a long span of time between the two of us.  Reflecting back on the night I made the post, I was truly just venting.  I needed to get some things off my chest.  

 

While I know that this issue is one that is shared by many married couples.  It is refreshing to read about others who have had the same experience or going through the same thing.  If anything, most of the replies had help me be more grounded and understanding of my wife.  I am thankful to all of the women who have offered their own experiences.  I am also ashamed of the actions or in-actions of some of the men in their lives.  Us men, myself included, take our male privilege for granted.  The stories shared remind me of how strong and wonderful women are. Us men owe everything to our mothers.  I would be lost in life without my amazing partner or the mother who raised me.  

I guess I don't understand. If you all are having these discussions - why do you need all of us to tell you how to help renew the affection? Isn't your wife telling you?

post #32 of 82
I think it's great that you have such good communication with your wife. Really, that's the basis of everything. I think if you have that then anything can be overcome.

I just was thinking more of my own marriage, and how we definitely are going through a dry spell. Honestly, it has little to do with my husband. I guess I just don't feel very attractive because I have gained weight and was having some health problems, then we had a (huge) baby via c-section, which really changed my body. Plus I was super tired all the time. Now I'm pregnant again, which puts a damper on things. So, I was thinking maybe it's not you at all but some things your wife is struggling with? It's not uncommon for women to have a hard time with the changes in their body that motherhood brings. Not just physical but hormonal as well. I hope it's not offensive for me to suggest this, I'm just telling you that that is what I've been struggling with.

I'm glad you feel spoiled in your marriage. I feel spoiled too. In fact, I am waaaaay spoiled. I hope my husband feels spoiled as well. That's what we are here for, to spoil each other. :-)
post #33 of 82
Thread Starter 
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Edited by ronart - 5/27/13 at 12:19pm
post #34 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by ronart View Post

 

I do not need nor did I ask for anyone to tell me how to renew the affection.  You should read again what I wrote.

 

"I am not looking for any answers from anyone as it is difficult to truly understand someones situation through a silly post.  What would be nice is for others to share their experiences or offer ways that you have maintained a passionate spark in your relationship."

 

Yes, my wife and I communicate in how to meet each others needs.  This was also discussed in various other replies.  However, relationships are complex and evolving.  It is nice to read about others who experience similar problems.  It is helpful to read about how others attempt to solve their problems.  The purpose of community is to support each other.  THe purpose of the post was to facilitate community in regards to this issue.

 

Oh, I get it. You want our validation.

 

Sorry - not getting mine.  Why don't you suggest your wife create an account, allow her to talk to us - without your involvement. Or are you afraid that she will tell a different story? 

post #35 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by ronart View Post

 

You are not contributing anything of value to this discussion.  Your combative responses are self serving and divisive.  It is clear that you did not understand the initial purpose of the thread.  You suggested I see counseling earlier, perhaps you should take your own advise.  Unless you have something to share about yourself and can avoid telling others how to live their life, please do not post on this thread again.

This is a public online forum that many people search so the fact that a person started the thread doesn't mean they can dictate who posts to a thread or how they post.  Typically as long as a post is on target it is completely fine.  There is a button to flag posts that seem to be a violation of the user agreement and when a person flags it a moderator will look at it to make sure it is relevant and appropriate for these forums.  It is a hard concept to get used to, but on a public forum like this you ignore the advice that isn't relevant to you.  There is a button you can use to make it so you don't see a particular posters posts if you can't stand them but only the moderators dictate who can or cannot post to a thread.

 

As to the original topic, if your wife experienced sexual abuse or physical abuse it could also be part of what is causing her to not want to be phyically close even though you are sure you are both happy in your relationship overall.  My feelings of revulsion to touch grew a lot after birth and my doctor said it was very common for these feelings to come up after birth.  Even a good birth is very traumatic on the body with the pain and adrenal it brings and that can be very triggering even if it doesn't seem obvious.  In my situation I believe I made things worse by trying to be a good wife and putting out before I was physically or emotionally ready after birth.  It created a set of very negative associations that when I did recognize it were very similar to the loss of power that comes with abuse. 

post #36 of 82
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Edited by ronart - 5/27/13 at 12:19pm
post #37 of 82
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Edited by ronart - 5/27/13 at 12:19pm
post #38 of 82
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Edited by ronart - 5/27/13 at 12:20pm
post #39 of 82

Hello mamas and papas

I just wanted to remind  you to please abide by Mothering's User Agreement:http://www.mothering.com/community/a/user-agreement

 

"we expect our members to keep conversations civil and on topic, and uphold the integrity and diversity of the community. We value the honest and supportive exchange of ideas and opinions, and we ask that members avoid negative characterizations and generalizations about others. Examples and calm explanation are more useful than condemnation of ideas that differ from Mothering's philosophies."

 

Some of the posts here are borderline. If you would like to continue to post on this thread please stay respectful. Everyone is welcome to post on this thread..we are all community.

 

On a positive note I do like that you are conversing and trying understand one another.

 

ronart~ You have a lot of information to draw from even if it is not exactly what you'd like to receive. I do hope this thread you posted has/is helpful to you and your wife.

 

I have no advice expect I think it is wonderful that you and your wife communicate. That is sometimes the one thing that is sacrificed when a baby comes along. Keep dialoging !!!

post #40 of 82
I can very much relate to a lot of what one_girl said about birth. I had a straight forward birth without complications and a very minor tear and it certainly was an immensely intense, surreal experience. Add the 6+ weeks of intense bleeding (again, nothing was really wrong and sorry about the TMI) and it certainly took a long time for me to stop being horrified at the prospect of physical intimacy. Again, not sexual things but simply the snuggling/hugs. Add the hormone soup of lactating and it was so overwhelming. I feared that I was changed forever and that my marriage would never be the same. Then my baby grew into a toddler, cut back on nursing, outgrew a major separation anxiety phase and all of a sudden I found that I was starting to feel like myself again.

I appreciate that the hormonal changes are hard to understand from the outside, OP. I'm still baffled by them and I'm experiencing them first hand. My current pregnancy has brought this touch aversion to the forefront again along with a whole mess of emotional intensity. There are times I "look" at myself reacting to something and I'm completely floored... Who is this crazy woman?! I'm looking at what just happened (DD had a typical tantrum or DH forgot to move his laundry to the dryer) and my crazy hormonal self reacts as if it's the end of the world or if my family was out to personally attack me. It's completely irrational and disproportionate and while I KNOW it on an intellectual level, my body still seems to react as if independent of my brain. I know that the pregnancy is not applicable to your situation but I wanted to share how intense hormonal changes are baffling and frustrating to me so that if your wife is going through something analogous (and I hope less intense) you can appreciate that it's not how she wants to be but something she has to tolerate and live with until it dissipates. I hope soon she reaches that lovely place where she feels like herself and can simply be the partner she wanted to be all along.
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