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Wanting to hear from other Moms of young adults - Page 2

post #21 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Learning_Mum View Post

Um, they are grown ups now, they don't need parenting anymore.

While this is the parenting subforum, it is the Mothering site.  You never stop Mothering!  :)

 

I am not sure you stop parenting, either…there are always questions of how much to say, what kind of support to give, etc.  It is still parenting, IMHO, it is just parenting an adult.    

post #22 of 66

And actually... I didn't baby them at all. I maybe had more of a tendency to make them fly on their own. <shrug>

post #23 of 66
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

While this is the parenting subforum, it is the Mothering site.  You never stop Mothering!  :)

 

I am not sure you stop parenting, either…there are always questions of how much to say, what kind of support to give, etc.  It is still parenting, IMHO, it is just parenting an adult.    

I agree.  I think parenting becomes much more of a supporting position as they get older.

 

I nurtured my kids, not babied.  I was constantly encouraging them to stretch their boundaries to see if they were ready.  If so, great, if not, I pulled back and tried again later.  This gave them the confidence to realize what they felt internally when they were ready vs not ready.  A lot of anxiety is generated internally when we try to push ourselves to do things we aren't ready to do.  I believe we can adapt if we push past our readiness factor and jump in but it causes all kinds of stress related side effects

post #24 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Learning_Mum View Post

Um, they are grown ups now, they don't need parenting anymore.
Seems like an issue of semantics to me. Technically, if you're still a parent, your interactions with those whose existence confers upon you that title may be classifiable as "parenting." It's how you define the role that may differ. There's no need to try to put down the obviously well-intentioned statement by the OP. smile.gif
post #25 of 66

As my children age, I tend to reflect a fair bit on what I was doing at that age and how my mother handled things. 

post #26 of 66
I was given no support growing up, and I lack confidence to try to achieve my goals. My son, whom I "babied", has the confidence to go after his goals, and even sometimes encourages me to go after mine. The only spoiling comes with neglect. That's my view, and now that I am seeing the results, I feel more confident about it.
post #27 of 66
Thread Starter 

Pek, it is interesting to me that Moms like yourself on this thread are experiencing what I am finding.  My kids are so different than I was at that age.  They are much more confident and authentic, free to be themselves.  I find them to be encouraging to me and each other.

 

Hopefully, this thread will show the Moms of young children on this forum that this style of parenting does work. 

post #28 of 66

My son isnt an adult yet but he just finished his first year off at college thats more than 10 hours away and is spending the summer living in an apt in another state with some friends. So doing more "adult" things. One of the best benefits to our relationship is that he trusts me. He copied something he wrote on a friend's FB wall and shared it with me...she had posted something about how "if you want your kids to tell you everything, dont freak out when they tell you something" he had replied that he is happy he can tell his mother (me!) anything and she wont freak out or judge. He knows that he can tell me stuff and he won't be "punished" and that i support him making his own choices about things even if i dont always agree. At one point he made some bad decisions and we talked openly about it. I'm really glad he doesnt feel he has to hide anything from me. I dont always keep my opinion to myself and i try to give advice based upon my life experience but know that ultimately its his life. He was raised without punishment and i think  that has caused him to "rebel" less than another teenager might. 

 

The funniest thing about having a kid who is nearly an adult is how little any of those things people worry about actually matter in the long run, like what age they pottytrain or wean or that he never got that pertussis shot or that he didnt read til he was 8 or played computer games for hours. And yes, he DID eventually sleep in his own bed. ;)

post #29 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Complexnatural View Post

Hopefully, this thread will show the Moms of young children on this forum that this style of parenting does work. 

 

I like the spirit of this thread, and I don't want to bring it down, but something about the concept of a particular parenting style "working" doesn't sit right with me. I parent in an AP manner because it's what feels right to me, feels respectful of my kids and our family as a whole, and yeah, I do think it's best. But parents who spank, in a culture in which spanking is the norm and is the way to "train them up right" and "teach them respect," believe that they're doing the best too, and although I completely disagree with spanking as a parenting tactic, plenty of kids who are spanked grow up to be caring, accomplished, confident, wonderful adults whose parents might say, "See, my parenting style 'worked'!" (Of course, plenty of spanked children don't turn out well, and plenty turn out somewhere in the middle, just like with kids who were raised AP and every other parenting style.) 

 

One of the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful, most polite little boys I've ever encountered lives in a sort of "tough" family. They're not abusive at all, and they clearly love their kids and show them that love, but they definitely don't practice AP. But this little boy's light just radiates strongly no matter what. Maybe a lot of that confidence and security simply comes from knowing, to your bones, that you're loved, even if that love isn't shown within an AP framework. 

 

Anyway, I know this is a jumbled post. I guess my point is that, while I clearly think AP is the way to go or I wouldn't be practicing it myself, I'm a little wary of this thread coming off a little too self-congratulatory. 

post #30 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

 

I like the spirit of this thread, and I don't want to bring it down, but something about the concept of a particular parenting style "working" doesn't sit right with me. I parent in an AP manner because it's what feels right to me, feels respectful of my kids and our family as a whole, and yeah, I do think it's best. But parents who spank, in a culture in which spanking is the norm and is the way to "train them up right" and "teach them respect," believe that they're doing the best too, and although I completely disagree with spanking as a parenting tactic, plenty of kids who are spanked grow up to be caring, accomplished, confident, wonderful adults whose parents might say, "See, my parenting style 'worked'!" (Of course, plenty of spanked children don't turn out well, and plenty turn out somewhere in the middle, just like with kids who were raised AP and every other parenting style.) 

 

One of the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful, most polite little boys I've ever encountered lives in a sort of "tough" family. They're not abusive at all, and they clearly love their kids and show them that love, but they definitely don't practice AP. But this little boy's light just radiates strongly no matter what. Maybe a lot of that confidence and security simply comes from knowing, to your bones, that you're loved, even if that love isn't shown within an AP framework. 

 

Anyway, I know this is a jumbled post. I guess my point is that, while I clearly think AP is the way to go or I wouldn't be practicing it myself, I'm a little wary of this thread coming off a little too self-congratulatory. 

 

oh i totally agree!

 

i think sometimes parents think that they have (or they want to have and seek) the "magic formula" that will turn out great kids. Often i hear from friends (who parent differently than i do) how they get complimented all the time on their wonderful, well behaved kids. Well i got complimented on my son a lot too (often from adults who were amazed at his ability to carry on an intelligent conversation about interesting things with them) ...i think a lot has to do with personality frankly. Whether its AP or homeschooling or gentle discipline or breastfeeding or whatever else...i do see a tendency for parents to see their way as The One True Way and sometimes even denigrate those that do it differently. When you're in that group, and then leave, it becomes really obvious (i used to homeschool and then stopped, and now that my younger kids attend school i see the posts about schools being "jails that just want to turn kids into robots who unthinkingly follow orders!!!" in a totally different light. )

 

I used to tell people that even if breastfeeding (for example) *wasnt* superior to formula, didnt have any benefits whatsoever (in terms of health, IQ, all that) i would still do it because its what my child needed/wanted at the time. And ironically now that i have had younger non breastfed (adopted from foster care) formula fed babies, much of what i believed to be true about breastfeeding vs formula wasnt really true anyway. Maybe thats a little off topic though, sorry. ;)

post #31 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

 

I like the spirit of this thread, and I don't want to bring it down, but something about the concept of a particular parenting style "working" doesn't sit right with me. 

 

It is always hard to know if the way kids turns out is because of choices we made, or because that is what is meant to happen.  

 

In the long run, a lot of little choices we stress over probably do not mean very much.  I do not think it matters in the long run if your carry your baby or push them in a stroller.  I don't think it matters whether you gently encourage a 2 year old to wean, or let them self wean, etc.

 

What I do think matters is that you love them, parent consciously, take their needs seriously, and try to foster resilience and empowerment.  I also think it matters whether or not you (generally) have your $hit together.  


Edited by kathymuggle - 6/3/13 at 11:34am
post #32 of 66
You know, for a couple of people who are not trying to put others down, you are sure doing a classic job of attacking those who AP. (And I'd hardly call demonstrating the "proper" way of throwing a tantrum as an example of attachment parenting.) It's hard enough to parent in a style that is outside the mainstream, especially if it is different than the way you were raised, without being attacked on a site that is supposed to support those choices. I guess what someone once told me is true. There is no harsher critic than someone who *used to* do something, unless it's someone who never had the guts to try it in the first place.

You may try to convince me that what I did, the sacrifices I made, didn't matter. And you may believe that, yourself. But I know better. And I see that you have disrespected me in a way that I would *never* do to someone who was simply expressing pride in her choices.

(Oh. Don't bother flagging this. I'll flag it as soon as it posts.)
post #33 of 66
Thread Starter 

I love the replies on this thread.  It makes me think about how I express myself. 

 

What I meant by the comment "Hopefully, this thread will show the Moms of young children on this forum that this style of parenting does work" is that expressing our thoughts on we feel our older children have benefited from our parenting style will quell any doubts that parents of young children who practice AP parenting may have.  Heaven knows, how much flack we get from family, friends and the general public.  I listened to so much negative talk about my extended breastfeeding, family bed, etc when my kids were young that I could have easily given up.  I just knew in my heart that this was the right way for me and I believed would allow my kids to be celebrated for who they are.  I would have loved to have been parented like I parented my kids.

 

When the boys were young, I had a list of "rules" - "people are for hugging and loving, not hitting", "let's speak kindly to each other", "toys are wonderful, so we need to be gentle with them to make them last".  One day I just said "We only have one rule in our home - Respect - I respect you, you respect me, we respect our home and our belongings, we respect the people who come into our home and whose homes we go into" - you get the picture.  Life became much easier at that time because the one rule was easy to follow.  We had many conversations about that as they were growing up.

 

Out of my strong feelings about respect comes my belief that good things are hindered by a lack of respect.  In our society many people feel that children do not deserve respect.  I have never spanked my children and I have shared with them that I think this is wrong.  It is a chargeable offence in court for a person to hit another person in public or for a husband/wife to hit their spouse.  Why is it ok to hit a defenseless child??  I was spanked with a belt.  I hated it.  My self esteem was very low as a young person and as a result I married an alcoholic.  Fortunately, I had 3 kids in 21 months and things were so crazy in our home that I had no choice but to leave when they were very young.  I have spent a lot of time in self-reflection and had some counselling which has helped improve my self esteem.  I am still unsure of myself when life presents some problems but I see my boys as having much more self-confidence.  Knowing that I am there with absolutely unconditional love and support gives them the wings to grow.  I have been in a relationship for the past 9 years with a man who provides me with love and support and it has made me blossom.  I am loving it.   I agree many things can contribute to a well adjusted adult.  I also believe that parents do what they think is right. I just think that the chances are greater for a child to be authentic and well adjusted in parented with AP.  I was a model child and I think I am pretty well adjusted but I have an ulcer from anxiety and skin problems from internal stress.  I still don't handle stress very well.

post #34 of 66

I think this is a great discussion and, Pek, I don't think anyone is trying to disrespect the choice to AP. Pride is a funny thing as a parent and while it's fine for those who process that in a healthy way (like you), others may not feel comfortable with that for themselves. It would be wonderful if this conversation could continue without anyone reading into folks expressing a different perspective. 

 

I don't have a young adult child - I have a toddler and a pre-teen but I was raised AP (before the term) so I know that it is an effective way to parent. It always saddens me to hear how many of our members experience judgment about how they parent. I have lived in 4 cities since having my first child (West Coast, East Coast and Europe) and am happy to say that I have experienced very little judgment about my parenting style. I wonder if that, perhaps, is because I am a healthy, happy adult and I am raising my kids the way I was raised. Pretty hard to argue with that!  

 

But, I also agree with the notion that it's hard to "take credit". There was a member on here years ago who had a signature that read, "All I have to do is not mess them up for life..."  I loved that!  Myself, I am a huge fan of being a "good enough mom". And that's a complex issue for me, especially as a mother of two girls. Not only am I raising them but I am their role model. Sheesh - high order, ha? 

 

I also relate to the idea of AP just resonating with you. I certainly didn't choose it because I thought it was 'right'. I did it because, honest to goodness, it's the only way I could parent. It feeds my mind and fits my personality. 

 

AND...one last thing, I know from my parents that their one form of AP did not work best for all of their kids. Now you can argue that "AP" means meeting all your children's needs and a I do very much agree with that...but discussing "AP" like it is some sort of dogma misses that point. So, "AP" is not one thing to begin with, right?  It's not a prescription. So, yea, I think "AP" does tend to work, especially if part of the definition is parenting to meet the needs of your children. 

 

ComplexNatural - welcome to Mothering and thanks for such a great thread!! I love some of the language in your posts - "authentic" (what I would name my parenting style!) and unconditional!  luxlove.gif

post #35 of 66
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post

But, I also agree with the notion that it's hard to "take credit". There was a member on here years ago who had a signature that read, "All I have to do is not mess them up for life..."  I loved that!  Myself, I am a huge fan of being a "good enough mom". And that's a complex issue for me, especially as a mother of two girls. Not only am I raising them but I am their role model. Sheesh - high order, ha? 

 

I also relate to the idea of AP just resonating with you. I certainly didn't choose it because I thought it was 'right'. I did it because, honest to goodness, it's the only way I could parent. It feeds my mind and fits my personality. 

 

AND...one last thing, I know from my parents that their one form of AP did not work best for all of their kids. Now you can argue that "AP" means meeting all your children's needs and a I do very much agree with that...but discussing "AP" like it is some sort of dogma misses that point. So, "AP" is not one thing to begin with, right?  It's not a prescription. So, yea, I think "AP" does tend to work, especially if part of the definition is parenting to meet the needs of your children. 

 

ComplexNatural - welcome to Mothering and thanks for such a great thread!! I love some of the language in your posts - "authentic" (what I would name my parenting style!) and unconditional!  luxlove.gif

Thanks for the welcome!  I agree that I parented the way I did because I could not parent any other way.  It felt right to me and with every fibre of my being I had to follow that feeling.

 

It was not my intention to "take credit" for my kids turning out the way they have.  I only wanted to connect with other Moms who felt that this style of parenting gave their kids great self esteem and confidence in becoming self-sufficient, authentic adults.  I believe that it does make a difference.  I cannot think of an instance for any human (child or adult) that if they are treated with respect, love, kindness and nurturing are negatively affected by it.   

post #36 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Complexnatural View Post

Thanks for the welcome!  I agree that I parented the way I did because I could not parent any other way.  It felt right to me and with every fibre of my being I had to follow that feeling.

 

 

Several people have said something like this.

 

Some aspects of AP I did find difficult.  My oldest had nursing issues in the beginning and I persevered because I thought breastmilk was best for him.  

 

I think we have to be careful not to dismiss our choices - as, oh, I did it because I was drawn to it (even when that is partly true).  I persevered with breastfeeding because research showed it was the healthiest option.  I did not do it for me.  

 

Neat thread!  More later (people are clamoring for the computer…)

 

ETA:  I will let the above stand for context, but I did want to let you know that I do not think you are selfish for APing because it called to you. I simply meant it to mean that us moms should not sell ourselves short.  Yes, AP calls to us, but we also do it because it is what we believe is best for our kids.  


Edited by kathymuggle - 6/4/13 at 9:57am
post #37 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Complexnatural View Post

Thanks for the welcome!  I agree that I parented the way I did because I could not parent any other way.  It felt right to me and with every fibre of my being I had to follow that feeling.

 

It was not my intention to "take credit" for my kids turning out the way they have.  I only wanted to connect with other Moms who felt that this style of parenting gave their kids great self esteem and confidence in becoming self-sufficient, authentic adults.  I believe that it does make a difference.  I cannot think of an instance for any human (child or adult) that if they are treated with respect, love, kindness and nurturing are negatively affected by it.   

Yes!  I didn't mean to imply that you were "taking credit" in a negative way - just acknowledging those who posted about this idea not resonating well for them. I really do think that parenting in a respectful way is important. That parenting in an authentic way is important. And, that, most importantly, parenting to the individual needs of our children is important. Totally!  The flip side of this for me is that I don't parent in the hopes of having a well adjusted adult.  I just do the best I can and am hoping for the best and I think my parents were doing the same. I think that us "AP" parents do have that in common with most other parents in the world. love.gif  

 

Oh, and, BTW, I thought you were new because of your low post count -- hello member since 2007!!  

post #38 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Complexnatural View Post

It was not my intention to "take credit" for my kids turning out the way they have.  I only wanted to connect with other Moms who felt that this style of parenting gave their kids great self esteem and confidence in becoming self-sufficient, authentic adults.  I believe that it does make a difference.  I cannot think of an instance for any human (child or adult) that if they are treated with respect, love, kindness and nurturing are negatively affected by it.   

I absolutely believe that AP is the way to go -- I wouldn't be doing it otherwise! I don't think my actions are completely irrelevant or that my kids would grow up into exactly the same adults no matter how I treated them. I do think it matters. I just think there are a lot of factors that go into it, and I think that many people who parent differently believe just as much in the validity of their parenting choices.

But you know what mama? It sounds like you've raised three lovely boys, and you should absolutely be proud of them, and of yourself. smile.gif
post #39 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

But you know what mama? It sounds like you've raised three lovely boys, and you should absolutely be proud of them, and of yourself. smile.gif

nod.gif

post #40 of 66
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post

Yes!  I didn't mean to imply that you were "taking credit" in a negative way

 

Oh, and, BTW, I thought you were new because of your low post count -- hello member since 2007!!  

They way you say that you didn't mean to imply I was taking credit in a negative way makes me think that you believe I am trying to take credit.  My initial question was do others believe that AP parenting helps our children become very self confident and secure in themselves.  I am an analytical person.

 

I also didn't parent the way I did for the end result when my kids were growing up.  I nurtured each one of my boys according to their individual needs and personalities.  They are all VERY different.  I notice now that they are young adults and watching how they are in the world and I notice that they are different from most of their peers.  We have a society of people who are in pain and are not handling life very well.  You just have to tune into any kind of media to see that people are self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, money, possessions, etc.  I just notice that my kids have an inner confidence that they are secure with the knowledge of who they are.  They have very healthy self-esteem. 

 

I have been around since 2007 reading on and off but busy with an elderly Mom who was very ill for a few years.  Now I have some time to contribute.  I subscribed to Mothering magazine for years and loved every issue.  I enjoy the content on this forum.

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