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Wanting to hear from other Moms of young adults - Page 3

post #41 of 66
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post


But you know what mama? It sounds like you've raised three lovely boys, and you should absolutely be proud of them, and of yourself. smile.gif

 

 

That's nice of you to say.  We, who are on this forum, should all be proud of ourselves.  We are following our heart and souls.  I had the most amazing experience raising the boys this way.  Through learning about and parenting AP, I became a better person.  For that I am grateful.

 

Blessing to everyone.

post #42 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Complexnatural View Post

They way you say that you didn't mean to imply I was taking credit in a negative way makes me think that you believe I am trying to take credit.  My initial question was do others believe that AP parenting helps our children become very self confident and secure in themselves.  I am an analytical person.

The reason I put "take credit" in quotes is because I don't love the term. I mean that I think I understand wanting to reflect on how we are parenting and look at the relationship between that and how our children are as kids, teens, or young adults.

 

When I brought it up originally, I was identifying with Queenjane and Limabean and their feelings on some of the discussion.

 

Does that make sense? 

post #43 of 66
Thread Starter 

My main reason for starting this thread was to connect with Moms of older children who were AP parented.  There is a lot of support for Moms of younger children on this forum and other places but not much as the kids get older. 

 

I am amazed at the discussion.  It is so interesting!

post #44 of 66

CN, if there isn't already a "tribe" for moms of older AP'd children, maybe you could be the one to start it. MDC has tribal sections as well as social groups. PM me if you want more info.  

post #45 of 66

I APed because it called to me

I APed  because some of it (depends on how you define AP) was backed by pretty good research

Yes, I hoped that AP would lead to adults who love me, themselves, their community and generally thrive.

 

I did not AP because I thought it was magic bullet to a healthy adulthood

I know plenty of healthy adults (emotionally) who were not APed; obviously it is not the only path to a a great adulthood.

 

I don't know how I feel about taking pride in how your kids turn out (and mine are not adults yet - my oldest is 17, though, so close).  I feel more  proud of the fact that I was able, for the most part, to not mess them up. That I did not stop them from becoming who they are supposed to become.  I am also proud of some of the stuff I have role modeled and they seem to have taken on - such as care for nature and our community. Some I got from my mother.  It is a great circle.  smile.gif


Edited by kathymuggle - 6/4/13 at 7:00am
post #46 of 66
Not messing up our children is something to be proud of. As someone who is still healing from a crappy childhood, it is possible to appear OK, and yet struggle with self-esteem issues that hold you back from doing all you are capable of doing. I wanted my son to step into adulthood as unencumbered as possible. AP is certainly not a "magic bullet", since it is something done continuously, not once and done. Decisions are made throughout each and every day, which comprise our parenting. Some may be motivated by selfishness, others for the good of a child, still others for the good of the family, etc. It is that entire collection that defines your parenting style, not simply what you agree with in theory. You must also act in accordance with those beliefs. Too many pay lip service only. And it is the children who pay the price.
post #47 of 66
Thread Starter 

Well said, Pek!

 

This is my first experience with posting on this forum.  In reading over the posts in this thread, I don't think it has been a good experience for me overall.

 

I feel like I have been backed into a corner to defend my parenting style and that some feel I had somewhat selfish motives in how I raised my kids.  I spent many years (my oldest is just turned 25) defending my parenting beliefs to family, friends and society.  I certainly didn't come on here to have to continue to defend it. And to people I thought were supportive!

 

I have a lot experience to share.  My son was 21 months old when my twins were born.  I nursed all 3 for a year, when my oldest weaned.  I nursed the twins for 1-2 years more. I cloth diapered, we had a family bed.  I cooked everything from scratch due to my ex-husband being deathly allergic to sugar.  When my kids were 3 and 4, I started a 14 year journey of single parenthood.  I have been self-employed as it was the only way to be available for my kids.  For the past 6 years, we have lived in a blended family with step children not having been raised with AP. 

 

None of this was easy, in fact much of it was very difficult, but all of it was so important to me.  I AM proud of myself.  In spite of many challenges, I was always clear on my parenting style.  Due to that clarity, other areas in my life were made easier because life was calm and organized at home.  What I AM NOT is better than any parent out there.  I do have very strong beliefs, based on research, education and experience. 

 

I share this info as kind of a resume, that I do have experience in AP.  I am someone who puts a lot of thought in things before I do them.  I put thought into all the posts I put on this thread.  I don't think I will start another thread.  Just wasn't a good experience for me.

post #48 of 66

Sometimes it takes time to get a feel for a place. Really, no one attacked you - just people with different opinions and posting them. Why do you care so much what strangers think of you?

post #49 of 66

I too am an "older" mom - I have a soon to be 29 year old and a 5 year old!

 

I have been busy and also a bit reluctant to post here - I fear no matter how I attempt to word this it will not go over well with some but here goes - IMO I have found this style of parenting doesn't amount to a hill of beans in the adult child.

 

Nope, none, I have found that a parenting style is really for the parent, not the child, no matter what "style" you do - in the end I have found that well-being of the parent (and their confidence in what they are doing) is a much bigger factor over all - a not well parent, a not well child, no matter what. One can say all they want (and over history "experts" have also) that this is better for the child or this isn't, etc - but in the end the parents over-all mental state plays the greats role. This does not mean I am advocating for spanking! It means over history many styles have produced many well rounded and esteemed adults. Loving your child is the most important things, IMO not just your style - in the end children are free to reject how you parented them and recent choice you made and it really doesn't matter, as long as they are happy in their lives.

 

I have also found that no one knows (nor frankly cares) who was breastfed or co-slept when they are graduating from college or getting a job. And I have also found that an AP style doesn't mean much when you see it a large family that all were raised the same way and some exude confidence and other lack it in drastic measure, some become extremely successful and others are dismal failures (again, society does judge this no matter what the parent does or does not do, be it right or WRONG!). 

 

So much of the out come of adult children are driven by many other factors no parenting style can control or influence. You can do everything AP or what ever, and still not get a set outcome. This does not mean doing "AP" does not or does "work" it simply is the definition of "work" in the eyes of the parent and the child, and many will find their children simply will not see eye to eye later in life. 

 

Personally I find when you have to "defend" your style of parenting (or for that matter any aspect of your life, be it your job, marriage choices,etc) you are putting way too much energy into something that you could be putting into another area and IMO (again this is what I have personally found) those who have had to do this usually lack happiness in many aspects on their life causing them to make so many justifications because they really are not truly happy with their choices. Usually (if you are lucky) you realize it much latter that you have made many justifications to suite your mental needs when you really should not have been in that position in the first place. Sometimes we make choices and later we realize they were not the correct ones for us or in this case our children. When I meet someone who need to over justify their choices they usually are not confident. 

 

I do not like the "take credit" because I found this also really does not factor in the long term the way many young or new parents feel it does. 

 

What I am trying to say (and have found, not only for me but with others as well) is a healthy parent(s) parent the best, "style" is really a minor factor in the "outcome"of the adult child. 

 

This is NOT against others - this is what I have found in real life with myself and many I know (and have know for years). I also have many family members well in their 90's and know how they were raised and how their parents and grandparents were raised as well.


Edited by serenbat - 6/4/13 at 6:39am
post #50 of 66
She posted with the very clear request for SUPPORT of her parenting decisions on a forum that CLAIMS to be there for support purposes. No one is looking for approval for our choices. We were sharing experiences and supporting, and even congratulating, each other for having made difficult decisions and sticking with them. All that is good. All that is what this site CLAIMS to be here to provide. However, when others disagree, and find it necessary to attempt to undermine that feeling of pride that we were nurturing, it speaks VOLUMES about THEIR insecurities. And how the moderator handled the situation speaks LOUDLY about where those in charge of this site are taking or allowing this site to go.

I, too, am now leaving this thread. But those who subtly or aggressively, attack those of us who attachment parent have not changed us. And we will find ways to nurture, support and assist each other. Whether that will take place on this site remains to be seen.
post #51 of 66
Thread Starter 
Amen.
post #52 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by pek64 View Post

But those who subtly or aggressively, attack those of us who attachment parent have not changed us.

We all attachment parent, and have repeatedly said that and said that we believe it's best. I'm having trouble seeing the awful things you're seeing here.

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling attacked. Threads here often morph into a philosophical discussion on the general subject. The custom is to put the words "support only" in the thread title if you're uncomfortable with that happening.

I thought this was an interesting, and honestly rather tame, discussion.
post #53 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Complexnatural View Post

Well said, Pek!

 

This is my first experience with posting on this forum.  In reading over the posts in this thread, I don't think it has been a good experience for me overall.

 

I feel like I have been backed into a corner to defend my parenting style and that some feel I had somewhat selfish motives in how I raised my kids.  I spent many years (my oldest is just turned 25) defending my parenting beliefs to family, friends and society.  I certainly didn't come on here to have to continue to defend it. And to people I thought were supportive!

 

That is too bad.  I would like to see you post more  (and I think your "resume" is great!)   I enjoyed the discussion of pride, a concept I think many parents and people in general struggle with,  and the impact our decisions have on how kids turn out.  I think it is a very fine line - I don't think parents should negate or dismiss the decisions they made; likewise I do not think parents should think every decision was of huge impact.  I do think the balance of decisions over the long haul are what is important.

 

Some of this may come down to how we define attachment parenting.  Attachment parenting often gets lumped in with natural living choices - but the two can be quite separate and have separate impacts.  If we define attachment parenting  as "sensitive and emotionally available parenting"  (wiki) then I do think that has a great impact on offspring. If we go into other things that are frequently linked to AP, but might not be AP, such as cloth or disposable diapers, then I do not think it matters as much to long term development.   

 

I suspect most people who posted here are advocates for AP.  I certainly am.  It might be that people feel free to discuss the impact and limitations of AP here as everyone has a base line respect, knowledge and acceptance of AP.  

post #54 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post

 

 

What I am trying to say (and have found, not only for me but with others as well) is a healthy parent(s) parent the best, "style" is really a minor factor in the "outcome"of the adult child. 

 

 

100% agree. 

 

I also suspect that many healthy adults naturally AP  if we define AP as "sensitive and emotionally availible parenting."  It is pretty easy to be sensitive and emotionally availible if we ourselves feel solid. 

 

I have been on this forum a long time.  I have read many accounts of people who were not parented by healthy parents.  Many of them turn to AP as a template for how to parent.  It is one of the biggest pros to AP that I can think of - giving parents who are a little lost a template for a pretty good parenting style.  


Edited by kathymuggle - 6/4/13 at 8:36am
post #55 of 66

ETA- I did not mean to offend the OP or anyone else here!!

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by pek64 View Post

She posted with the very clear request for SUPPORT of her parenting decisions on a forum that CLAIMS to be there for support purposes. 

I'm sorry I read it a different way! I didn't read it as support only but more outcome and if it makes a difference.

 

I would love to hear from Moms who have parented this way and to hear how their children are as young adults.  Do you believe that it makes a difference as the children grow up? 

 

 

 I could write a book on how anti co-sleeping my DD is-she hating co-sleepying from birth! How she would never baby wear - ever, etc!! I often find those "things" get too mixed into AP and are too defining and miss the part   "sensitive and emotionally available parenting" of the equation. I frankly hate seeing "I do this, this and this and that make me THIS" stuff. I have knowns parents that have done X, Y & Z IRL, only to be some of the worse parents I have ever meet. 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

 

  If we define attachment parenting  as "sensitive and emotionally available parenting"  (wiki) then I do think that has a great impact on offspring. If we go into other things that are frequently linked to AP, but might not be AP, such as cloth or disposable diapers, then I do not think it matters as much to long term development.   

 

I suspect most people who posted here are advocates for AP.  I certainly am.  It might be that people feel free to discuss the impact and limitations of AP here as everyone has a base line respect, knowledge and acceptance of AP.  

 

I would farther add - that if you too closely define your parenting you are adding additional pressure upon yourself to adhere too strictly (in some cases!!) and when that occurs you can isolate yourself to the point you only see one side........ and thus you many falsely assume an outcome that may never materialize- setting you up for further pressure. 

 

I often get the impression (and see this IRL with new parents) you get kind of trapped in to believing your child will grown up and do much that you do (because it was better than what your parents did to you) and when that does not happen it can cause a real impact to your mindset - ex. you AP and assume your child will do the same, only to find the have found someone 360 degrees from your style and want nothing to do with what you embrace and the values you thought they had. 


Edited by serenbat - 6/4/13 at 10:33am
post #56 of 66
CN, I'm sorry you've had a bad experience after posting and opening up on here. It is a huge turnoff for me that there is a tendency among some mdc posters to play devil's advocate and be antagonistic just for the heck of it, and I see it over and over. Big part of why I'm not more active on these forums.
post #57 of 66
I think we probably have some influence over our kids through our parenting, but our influence is limited because there are outside influences and, of course, our kids are all individuals who will make their own choices.

But striving to meet our children's needs even when inconvenient is something to be proud of. That doesn't mean co-sleeping with a child who doesn't want to co-sleep, but recognizing that both their needs and ours need to be taken into consideration. I still feel, based on discussions with people IRL anyway, that it is not the way most people do things. I still hear people say they didn't breastfeed because they wanted to be able to leave the baby for weekends right away, and that co-sleeping is crazy and will destroy marriages.

Anyway, I'm proud of the choices I've made and am making and I hope it helps my kids become their happiest selves as they mature. I really feel like that's all the OP was trying to say. Going against the grain isn't always easy and it's nice to be able to take a moment to be proud and thankful for deciding to take that route. Whether we can tell which kids were AP'd after they're grown or not.
post #58 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennyanydots View Post

CN, I'm sorry you've had a bad experience after posting and opening up on here. It is a huge turnoff for me that there is a tendency among some mdc posters to play devil's advocate and be antagonistic just for the heck of it, and I see it over and over. Big part of why I'm not more active on these forums.

 

 

It is possible to block posters.  If someone is just negative and argumentative and you want to make them disappear, just click on their name (next to their post) and select "block member."

 


 

My kids are teens and were raised AP, GD, etc. They are who they are. 

 

I had to AP. It is absolutely what felt right to me, and I couldn't have lived with myself any other way.

 

I went through a rough patch with AP when my older DD was about 12 and she completely and totally fell apart. She was diagnosed with both depression and an anxiety disorder. All of the wonderful things that people say will be true of kids raised this way were so, so, so not true about my sweet baby.  She is now 16 and doing well, but, anyone looking at how she was at that time and evaluating "AP" would have come to the conclusion that it is a bad idea.

 

So, I'm very mellow about the whole thing. I think the right reason to treat a child with gentleness and respect is because it is the right thing to do. Not because they will turn out a certain way. We don't control how they turn out. We can only continue to respond to whatever they are going through with more gentleness and respect.

 

Because I absolutely couldn't live with being blamed for my DD's struggles, neither do I feel I can take the credit for either of my kids strengths. I'm sure that overall, they are doing better than they would have been with a harsh parenting style, but I feel humble, not proud. I've done the best that I could as a mother, and my kids know that they are loved, valued, and supported. And that's enough.

 

When I see other teens struggling, I feel compassion for them and their families.

post #59 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post

 

I often get the impression (and see this IRL with new parents) you get kind of trapped in to believing your child will grown up and do much that you do (because it was better than what your parents did to you) and when that does not happen it can cause a real impact to your mindset - ex. you AP and assume your child will do the same, only to find the have found someone 360 degrees from your style and want nothing to do with what you embrace and the values you thought they had. 

 

Oh, my gosh, this exactly has cause me so much pain, and it was so hard to let go. I have tried to be so much BETTER than my parents, and we *are* parenting better, yet we still have struggles with the teens and I feel like, why did I bother trying to be such a good, affectionate mom? I felt that because we responded to our kids' needs and did a much better job of it than our parents, our kids would turn out a certain way. Ha. And I bet my oldest is going to do the total opposite of the AP ideals, just because I *did* do them. She already knows she's going to be a much better mom than me :/ I tried...damn I worked so hard on mothering my children.

post #60 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

Oh, my gosh, this exactly has cause me so much pain, and it was so hard to let go. I have tried to be so much BETTER than my parents, and we *are* parenting better, yet we still have struggles with the teens and I feel like, why did I bother trying to be such a good, affectionate mom? I felt that because we responded to our kids' needs and did a much better job of it than our parents, our kids would turn out a certain way. Ha. And I bet my oldest is going to do the total opposite of the AP ideals, just because I *did* do them. She already knows she's going to be a much better mom than me :/ I tried...damn I worked so hard on mothering my children.

I bet that's so tough! I don't have teens, but thinking back on my own experience as a teen, don't they often separate intensely from their parents during those years, only to come back around when thy mature a bit more? I would have contradicted anything my mom said when I was a teen, just on principle, but now I parent pretty much exactly the same way she did (she was an AP parent too). So there's still hope! I'm sorry you're struggling now though -- I'm nervous about going through those years with my own kids!
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