Hi, everyone -
It's been a really long time since I've posted here, but I always come and reading the mothering boards when I am looking for tips and advice. This time, I'm looking for something so personal that I thought I'd better start a thread about it.
I'm struggling to hear God and understand His will for us as a family. First, I will disclose that I am a Christ-follower but I very much welcome and appreciate opinions from mamas of all faiths. I have been blessed with two children, both planned and "worked for" (meaning, charting and peeing on lots of sticks- haha) They are 3 and 4 now, total BFFs, and - in my biased opinion - the best kids a mom could ask for.
I thought we were done with having kids. I'm 37. I've had some medical issues in the past few years. The pregnancies were difficult. Etc. Etc. But lately, i've been dreaming almost every night about getting pregnant or having a baby. My husband is NOT up for another baby, and I'm not sure I am either. Still I wondered if my dreams were God's way of placing the idea on my heart. After a few dozen of these dreams, I finally (FINALLY) came to the Lord in prayer to ask Him about it directly.
Let me stop here and say that I never, never EVER, ask God for a sign. I feel like it is testing Him in a way, and I just never do it. But I was feeling desperate and so I asked God to give me a clear sign if He wanted me to have another child. As I prayed, a light came in through one of the windows in my bedroom. This wasn't a supernatural light (as far as I know!) just the sunlight beaming through some shifting clouds. I felt compelled to get up and go look out the window, feeling certain I'd see a sign I'd asked for (including the possibility of seeing "nothing" which I would possibly take as a sign that we are done). As I looked out, as if on cue, a line of five ducks flew by. Yeah, five.... like a family of five ducks. LOL!
I went and told my husband this, prefacing it with a little speech about how it may not be what he wants to hear and I may be misunderstanding what I just experienced, but I think God might have given me a sign that we should have another baby. He wasn't so sure of this being a sign, but promised to pray as well. We prayed for an unmistakable sign. (er... again... see how praying for signs is a sticky business!)
Just yesterday, I noticed something wrong with my ring. It was the ring my husband gave me when I was pregnant with my son (our firstborn). We always call it my "motherhood ring." It is a band with a line of teeny tiny diamonds and it is missing one. It must have popped out - who knows when and where. At first I was just really bummed out that I lost a stone, then realized that this too could be a sign. A single missing stone from my motherhood ring?
Now I just feel confused. I am worried that I am looking for signs that aren't really signs, misinterpreting things. I worry that it is wrong for me to test the Lord and test my faith by asking for a direct sign. On the other hand, I'm worried that even if I had a direct sign that I wouldn't know it because I am stubbornly feeling "done" with having kids.
How do you all hear God when it comes to family planning? How would you interpret what I have experienced?
My husband continues to pray and says he feels no answer either way.
I should add, that we have the financial means to support another child. We have the space in our home for another child. I would certainly love another child, and I think our two little ones would adjust well (although one can never tell for sure I guess). BUT I selfishly love my life right now. The kids are getting older and easier. They are so close to each other, I hate to risk disrupting that beautiful dynamic. I finally have time now to pursue some of my own interests and projects as my daughter (the 3-year-old) will be entering preschool in the fall.
We are using protection (condoms) and I wouldn't want to stop unless both my husband and I felt certain that we are meant to have another.
I feel so overwhelmed with this. I feel to embarrassed to talk to any of the women at church about it - it feels to personal. So I am hoping someone hear could give me some thoughts and guidance. Are these dreams just hormonal? Or is God really trying to work on my heart to get me to be open for another child? How can you know?
If you read all of this crazy babbling, I cannot thank you enough... that was truly an act of kindness on your part. Thank you so much for your time and for sharing any thoughts you have.