I could go into labor with my 4th child at any moment. This will be my 4th homebirth. My 1st 2 I had no early labor, it just came out of nowhere, full intensity. #1 took 3 hrs, #2 took 2 hrs 20 mins, #3 5 hrs 45 mins. The last 2 I woke up early in the morning in labor.
I'm panicked pretty much all of the time. It freaks me out that it could happen at any moment and I have no way of knowing when that is. I'm constantly woken up by contraction and I panic thinking I'm in labor. I'm still traumatized from the pain from previous births. Last time I had a pain free labor with the help of hypnobabies, or maybe 1st stage just isn't that bad, it was my first experience with it so I don't know. But the last 2 hrs were still very hard. I so much want to have a pain free birth this time. This will be my last and I want my dream birth. I want to be CALM, more than anything. I want to feel confident. But I don't. Its so bad my midwife suggested yesterday that I go on anxiety meds. I've been taking herbal remedies for months but they don't do much to help the panic. I do not want to give birth again. I very much want the baby, I just feel so much dread over going through that again. It feels very violent and out of control to me. I don't know what else I can do to work through these feelings and go into it with a positive, accepting mindset. I feel sad as it seems everyone else is so excited for labor and I don't feel that at all, I so badly want to! If you have any ideas, please help!