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Not just an underwear question.

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 

My tween daughter (just about to turn 10) is a major tomboy.  Boy clothes, boy colors, boy interests - inasmuch as those things can be stereotyped.  Also, as it turns out, she wears boy's boxer-brief underwear.  She has always hated girl underwear because she claimed it gave her wedgies.  She wore her training pants underwear for years after being potty trained, because it still fit (she's very slim) and it was the only underwear that she found comfortable - until we tried boy's boxer-briefs.  Girl's "boy-shorts" did not cut it.


Personally, I think it's great that she has found something she's comfortable in.  The problem is that she's at that age where what other people think really matters - so, while she is comfortable in boy's underwear, she is mortally afraid that one of her friends, babysitters, or some random stranger will find out.  The major drawback to this is that it means she does not want change into a swimsuit in front of her peers (though she has no trouble being seen in her boy's swim attire), and therefore does not want to be in any camp that involves swimming - despite the fact that she loves to be in the pool.


I'd really like for her to just "own it" and be secure in the knowledge that she is wearing the most comfortable undergarment for her, and if anyone tries to tease her about it, just let them know that she's more comfortable and that it looks cool too.  But that ain't happening.


Maybe she has the right idea. I know how cruel kids can be.  But is there any way around this obstacle, that will allow her the comfort of her underwear without the fear that someone else will find out?





post #2 of 22

How about splurging and making or having someone make some underwear that are comfortable for her, but in very girly prints, just for swim days.  Does she like boxer shorts?  They're relatively easy to sew (easier than the boxer-briefs would be).  Or buy some plain white underwear and dye them hot pink?   Or just go commando on swim days?

post #3 of 22
decentexposures.com will make them without the fly if you want, they have a good selection of "girly" & neutral fabrics. A bit expensive but IME they last long enough to even out the cost.
post #4 of 22
Thread Starter 

Dye them pink or with girly prints?  Then she would never wear them!  But I'll have to see if there is something she'd be willing to wear on swim days that might split the difference.  I think wearing no underwear would be even worse for possible teasing.


Apparently Hanes used to make a women's boxer brief, but it's now discontinued and I'm sure they never made it in youth sizes.


I'm not exactly sure why being seen wearing boy's clothes is no problem, but boy's underwear crosses the line.



post #5 of 22
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the tip stormborn.  It looks like decentexposures.com could make boxer-briefs with no fly in the right size in a variety of colors and prints.  Quite expensive, but worth it if we could get a few pairs she'd be willing to both wear and be seen wearing.



post #6 of 22
What kind of swimsuit does she wear? If it's shorts or trunks she could just wear them on swim days if they'll dry quickly enough to not bother her later.
post #7 of 22
post #8 of 22
Will she wear "girl" underwear those days or go if she can change in the bathroom? Have you put the problem in her hands and told her to find a solution? My DD is starting to worry about how to fit in in some ways and she often comes up with wonderful solutions without me having to be involved, in fact when I back out of the solution process it often makes it easier for my DD to decide if something is actually a problem and to find her own solution.
post #9 of 22

Have you ever tried Hanna Anderson? They absolutely do not ride up and are super comfortable for girl. Maybe try one pair of a three pack. Can always resell on ebay if it doesn't work.

post #10 of 22

I would still encourage her to own it. buy her the new undies... but keep that encouragement going.


dd found her voice at 10. and really It changed her world completely. its huge.


while I wasn't pushing it, I was definitely encouraging standing up and doing what SHE wants rather than what others think she should want, till it finally clicked.

post #11 of 22

They make them in cartoon characters.  TONS on Ebay.  She could just pick a few sonic the hedgehog, or supergirl, and be the kid who likes superhero stuff.  


These are not exactly what you are looking for, but it's an idea.  They come from another country, but I buy stuff from the UK or Hong Kong all the time, and they come exactly as I wanted.




In other countries, they tend to be more neutral as a trend, where, we are more girly here.  (I have no problem with girly stuff at all, and actually prefer to be girly, but my daughter prefers to be neutral)  


My daughter is 20, and she wears the chonies/undies I just posted.  She's small, but I don't know that they make them small enough for an 11 yr old.  It was just an example.

post #12 of 22
post #13 of 22

I actually prefer boxer briefs. Just sayin'...

post #14 of 22

If she's not ready to own it, then she's not ready. (I was always different, and always owned it. I've frequently wished I hadn't owned it at such an early age, because it left me wide open for a whole lot of grief that I wasn't equipped to deal with yet. Just food for thought.)


Could she change in a bathroom? I'm 45 (yesterday) and have only ever changed in a public changeroom once - just a few months ago, and I was still hiding in my towel. I still swam a lot as a kid.

post #15 of 22

hey happy birthday Storm Bride.

here's 45 greetings and emotions for you



love.gif   love.gif  love.gif  love.gif  love.gif



heartbeat.gif heartbeat.gif heartbeat.gif heartbeat.gif heartbeat.gif




treehugger.gif treehugger.gif treehugger.gif treehugger.gif treehugger.gif


(in honor of the bday gifts you got your brother for his was it 50th - if I remember right). didn't offer you any bubbly (hard ones I would imagine) since I remember you as not drinking.


I am so sad that you suffered pain due to owning it too early.


and here finally after years of teasing (mind you not bullying but other parents might call it bullying) at 9 my dd slowly started owning it, and by 10 she confidently owned it. changed her world completely. there was still pain and suffering but it had this other quality to it. don't know how to describe it. kinda like the pain is not as bad as before coz I can stand up to it, even if it means more pain. so initially due to her owning it she was suffering. but she realized the more she walked tall, the more others left her alone and suddenly it wasn't so bad. kinda she is turning into 'its all water off the ducks back'.


what have I learnt? it seems there is always pain. whether you own it or not, there is pain.

Edited by meemee - 6/15/13 at 10:22pm
post #16 of 22
My dd loves hanna andrrson too. Make sure to get the lower cut ones though. They have plain white.
post #17 of 22
Thread Starter 

Thanks everyone for all the ideas.  I did ask my daughter if she had a solution, and so for now it'll be either wear her swim trunks all day or change in a bathroom stall.  I may still try getting a couple of pairs of the pricey fly-less boxers from decentexposures.  Given her tastes, none of the other underwear suggestions looked like they would fly with her (pun intended) - whether they would ride up or not..



post #18 of 22

My 8 year old loves her Girl Gotch - boxer briefs for girls! Just what you are looking for I think. https://girlgotch.com/products/?c=85&g=253

They fit big, so if in doubt, order the smaller size. Also, the last time that I ordered I included a question about size in the comments section - and within hours received an email from the owner to discuss sizing. Great customer service!

post #19 of 22

Couldn't she just slip her shorts and underwear off at the same time?  Heaven knows my kids never take off a pair of pants without leaving underwear inside!!

post #20 of 22
I'm not exactly sure why being seen wearing boy's clothes is no problem, but boy's underwear crosses the line.


I feel that because the only real difference between pre-pubescent boys' and girls' bodies is between the legs, that the clothing that directly touches this area "ought to" match the parts you have.  By "ought to" I don't mean it should be required by law or non-conformists should be teased in the locker room or any such thing, more like, "If you wear the other sex's underpants, that's the point at which you're really cross-dressing."  But I don't think cross-dressing is a terrible shameful thing.  Just trying to explain WHY "the line" is there for me.  I've talked with a couple other adults and kids who have this same sense of it. 

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