- topicGrief And Losstagged by glionna, 6/21/13
6 Mistakes People Make When a Friend's Child Dies
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how to explain a 3.5yr old the meaning of one week to live.??post #1 of 46/21/13 at 8:22pmThread Startermy husband's grampa has one week to live, and thats the best case scenario. my daughter is 3.5 yrs old and im trying to explain why are we visiting the hospital everyday, and crying silently every day. im the kind of person that barely cries in funerals as i know that they are already in a better place, but i have never been in this situation, were i know his limited time here and im talking to him like onothing, and smile at him grabing the palm of his hands when all i want to do is throw my self at.him hug him n kiss him and not let go. it is so sad how i used to see my relatives do this and i thought its too much drama, but im a wreck, i cant sleep, i cant wipe my face fast enough, i cant wait to spend more time with him tomorrow, to talk n listen at him. i honestly dont know how to express what im feeling to my daughter. i cant think straight. i want my mom to take care of her while i visit gran pop pop tomorrow, but dont know if alienating her of this will help. any advice n good thoughts are appreciated.post #2 of 46/21/13 at 8:46pm
I'm so sorry you're going through this!
The reasons I see to not ask your mom to watch your daughter so you can have some private time with your Gran Pop are about your mom, not your daughter. Is this your mother's father? How is she doing? Does she need emotional support and private time with her dad right now? Would it be better to find another sitter? (But then I see this is your husband's grandfather, so maybe she's clear? If she's not involved in the same grieving process that you are, a day with grandma sounds fab for your daughter.)
It is not "alienating your daughter" from this to arrange some private time for you and your grandfather, or even some time when you can really focus on being with him, knowing that your daughter is being safely cared for and reasonably entertained elsewhere. Being in a hospital or hospice room with a small child can be an adventure. They want explanations of everything, and there are a million things they could touch and cause problems with. Your DD can't help but be distracting, and it might really comfort you later to know that you had some undistracted minutes to connect.
The hospital should have some resources about talking about death and dying to small children, and if you step out of the room and ask a nurse, they will probably snow you under with pamphlets. There may even be a family resource center. Take advantage.
The explanation I've most often heard offered to use with preschoolers is very basic and literal. <Person> is sick, and the doctors have done all they can to help, but <person's> body is not going to work much longer, and that means that they are going to die. Dying is when your body stops working. People don't come back from dying, and you're sad because you love your Gran Pop and you are going to miss him. You want to spend as much time with him as you can, and make sure that you've had a chance to hear anything he wants to say to you, and that you've said all the things you want him to know, like how much you love him.
This is a rough time. I am so sorry.post #3 of 46/22/13 at 5:51amThread Starterhi meepy cat, thanks for your great thougts, and yes you are right, its my dh grandad. after reading your message i talk to my mom, she knew him as well she ask me if we can take turns to see him and be with my dd. her advice to me about takling to my daughter was to use simple words and be honest. she made me understand that because my dd can not enter the icu room, we need to let her know what is happening. i feel ive been lost in space n my mom let me see my dd point of view.
once i get to the hosp later i will check for resources thanks so muchpost #4 of 47/5/13 at 9:08amThread StarterAn update, dh grampa died past tuesday. We visited him everyday. Dd was not allowed in the icu but once he got to the hospice, she got to see him.
I tried talking to her and when I told her he was going to die, she understood dive and she asked me when is he going to dive in the water?? And I laugh and cry. And just told her he is going away. The hospice had a kids corner and she love it and didnt pay any attention to us.
That gave us time to share with grampa.
We agreed that we will explain and leave her with time and space and observe, if she has questions then we will answer them.
I had some talk with the counselor at the hospice and that helped a lot too.
- Soothing Parents and Children After A Tragedy
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