Does your dh attend your midwife appts?

[oceanbaby]

I schedule my midwife appts on Fridays, because dh works out of the house that day and is able to help watch ds. Otherwise, ds is crawling all over me, and makes it pretty hard to focus on the appointments, which generally last about 1.5-2hrs.

My midwife seems kind of irritated that dh hasn't attended any of the appointments. She mentioned that she doesn't really know him, and I get the feeling that she thinks that he's not a real involved guy. He does come in and listen to the heartbeat, and occasionally asks a question, but for the most part he is just taking care of ds and checking in with work.

Dh is a totally involved husband and father, totally on board about homebirth, and we talk about the pregnancy and upcoming birth all the time. But we would have to arrange for a babysitter in order for him to really attend the appointments. Ds will only watch a video for so long before he wants one of us to play with him.

So is it really so out of the norm that dh doesn't attend my appointments? Does your dh?

[momto l&a]

I can probably count on one hand the number of times dh HASNT gone with me. Thiswill be my 3rd hb so I have had alot of appointments.


My mw also makes sure she meets the dh before the birth and gets to know him and his concerns/thoughts.

Our children are right there with us and often so are the mw's. The mw also likes the kids to know and get used to her.


The last 2 appointments I have gone with just my girls and one layed on me while the mw checked my utris( I cant spell that for the life of me : )mw said to bad she weaned cause now would be the perfect time to nurse her :LOL

Most dh's attend that I have seen while at my mw's

[Greaseball]

Mine hasn't gone that often. I'm 35 weeks and he just started making himself available to be there. I told him it was really hard for us to get anything done with dd getting into all the supplies, so he's mainly there just for her. (Our mw comes to our house for appts.)

With #1, I finally asked him to go because I was tired of being the only one at the birth center clinic without a partner showing up. He was surprised; he said he didn't want to be the only man there and I told him that I was the only one who showed up without a man! So he came along, and they asked him to wait in the waiting room! Needless to say, after that he never went back. It was an hour drive from our house; he didn't make the time and do the driving to be banished to the waiting room.

But he was there for the birth, and was a big help, and that's most important to me. Sometimes I wish he were a little more excited; like when I first interviewed these mw's and I had this huge list of questions and he didn't even have one. Why not? Isn't there one thing he wonders about?

[cottonwood]

With my first, my husband went to a couple of the appointments, mainly so he and the midwife could get to know each other a little bit. With my second he didn't go to any appointments but he did go to the monthly birth class/potlucks that my midwife held. I have to say, though, that I honestly didn't miss him at the appointments.

[LizaBear]

Dh has been to every mw's appt through both pregnancies. I schedule them for a time he's available, and this time, both he and Boo come with me.

I think it's important for us, as a family, to be familiar with the team of midwives we are seeing.

to my DH - I love that man

[2BMamaof3]

My DH has been to ONE appt. so far. I'm 32 weeks. He plans on coming to a couple more, just so the midwives can sort of get to know him. But frankly, he's not real involved. He's not a real great source of labour support (or wasn't last time). He's kind of like a deer caught in the headlights through anything major (yeah, he's got issues). So we're doing what we can. A midwife can't expect everyone to be the same, eh? We have to work with what we've got. Sigh. In a perfect world EVERY husband/partner would be totally supportive and involved...just ain't so, unfortunately. Plus, just because they aren't THERE and involved at the appointments does not mean they aren't going to be involved at the birth or the post partum and it doesn't mean they aren't good partners. I dunno...just my .02

Abby

[rubelin]

Dh has missed 2 appts (the first interview I preferred to do by myself). Our MW's have a ton of toys in the office, they get lots of families with older siblings and are totally comfortable having Ben around and it works well to have both Dh & I there so that someone is following the conversation at any given time It was hard to go by myself with Ben the one time, but it was kind of perfect cause I was having problems with him anyway so that's what we talked about.

DH was not the most comfortable about homebirth going into this pregnancy and I really wanted him to be as much a part of the whole process as possible. He really likes going and it's made me feel so supported.

If the only reason you are bothered by him not going is what your MW thinks, perhaps you should ask him to come once to meet her so she is put at ease. If it's actually bothering YOU, talk to him about it. In the end does it make a lot of difference whether he's watching DS at home or the MW office??

[TurboClaudia]

My partner has been at all of the interviews before we chose our midwives and all the prenatal appointments except for the most recent one two weeks ago (which he was kind of upset about missing -- he had a work deadline that had already been postponed and he didn't get up early enough that day to counterbalance any additional bugs that might crop up (and did!)) It didn't bother me that he missed the appointment, but it did bother me that he couldn't recognize that he was upset because of a choice he made and he had only himself to be angry with.

Since this is our first baby, and since he really is good at being supportive when I am not feeling well or stressed or fill-in-the-blank, it's been important to me that he be there with me at all our prenatals. I'm still a little concerned about how he will be when I actually start laboring, but it's mostly silly little things I worry about, like will he be able to rub my back through a whole contraction without getting bored or tired like he does sometimes when we're just being snuggly, or will he understand the directions I'm trying to give him about what I need (rub like this or press here or etc.).

I agree with the previous poster who asked if it was bothering you that your partner has not been to appointments because it's more convenient for childcare OR if it was bothering you that your midwife seems to be creating her own opinion of your partner simply because of his non-attendance. I think a conversation with both your partner and your midwife now is definitely in order.

warmly,
claudia

[Mummoth]

Yes, my DH does attend. During my first pregnancy, our midwives worked evenings, so it was easy to schedule around work. Then, I liked that he came to the appointments, but it wasn't important that he be at *every* one. He liked coming along, though, so he did.

This time around, the midwives are further away, and don't have evening appointments anymore. They are the same ones as last time, so DH is familiar with them, and they are with him. However, I'm not comfortable driving downtown (where they are) because I'm a new driver. The bus is a hassle, with DS in tow. DH has been taking 1/2 days off work to drive us there. A few times DS & I met DH downtown, and only had to bus in one direction.

[melamama]

During my first pg, dh came to maybe 5 appts., I don't think he came to any during my second pg. We used the same midwife both times, so for the second she already knew him. I don't think I even considered trying to schedule them so he could come, it was sort of my thing. He was totally into the homebirth thing but has a hardcore job and really can't often get time off. I remember when my friend was pg her dh went with her all the time I was like "he goes to every appt! wow"

[Mom2baldie]

I am kindof in the same situation as 2Bmamaof3. My husband came to the 1st appt. mainly so he coud watch dd, but he hasnt been back with me since then. I dont mind that he doesnt come, because honestly, hes not interested in pregnancy or birth, so it wouldnt be something that would be fun for him. I also can talk much more freely with my midwife if I am alone with her. She hasnt seemed to mind that he doesnt come either - maybe I will ask her if she would like him to.

Anyways, my husband doesnt even really want to be in the room when I have the baby (yes, I know its "weird") and I am okay with that also. He gets too nervous and doesnt know what to do and it just stresses me out having to deal with him.

[georgia]

No, he watches our two boys so that I can concentrate on me for a change. IME, the mw appts aren't really for him---he knows the mws already. If your mw is acting irritated about something, I'd ask her specifically what's bothering her.

[mattjule]

My dh has never missed an appt of any kind with this pregnancy or my prior one. It would be really weird to go without him. It was important to me that we were in this together and when my ob's office treated him like he was invisible and he was the only man there, I looked for a mw. I am so glad they were rude to him that first appt!

Our mw has a bunch of toys, too and our ds is a pretty mellow kid so mostly dh tries not to fall asleep. Both mw's we have had have been wonderful about working with dh's work schedule so he could come.

I like to have him there b/c he remembers things better than me and is generally more observant. For example, if my mw were to ask me if I had felt exceptionally tired recently, I would probably say no, but dh would pipe up that 3 days ago I was weepy b/c I was so tired. I would have totally forgotten about the incident by the appt. So we have a more accurate idea of my health in general when dh comes along.

And just like hb is something that involves our entire family, so is this pregnancy. We all have had to adjust to things and it helps when all of us are a part of the good stuff, too.

[oceanbaby]

I guess I should clarify - the appointments are at my house. I tried to do one with everyone there, and ds was all over us and it was stressing me out. So I now schedule appts for when dh can watch ds (he works out of the house on Fridays). Ds is an active little bugger, so although dh will pop in and out, he is mainly with ds, sometimes taking him to the park if ds just won't let me be. He attended all my OB appts with me when I was pregnant with ds, but of course there was no child that needed to be watched!

Dh is totally involved and supportive and excited - we discuss all the appointments afterwards and he has questions. I personally don't think they are anything he needs to be there for. Plus, a lot of the time with my midwife is chit chatty stuff. I myself have no problem with him not being there. He is in the house most of the time, and hears a lot of what we talk about.

I guess it would be nice if he and the midwife knew each other a little better, but I was mainly concerned that she seems to be getting the impression that he is uninvolved, or doesn't care about or support me in this birth, which is absolutely not the case. I guess I should just address that with her directly.

[rubelin]

Geez, you are all at your house and she's thinking he's not involved?? I don't think of that as him not being at the appt, just because he doesn't sit in the same vicinity with the 2 of you the entire time. If we were at our house for all appts, one of us would be wandering off to tend to Ben all the time! I do really think you should discuss this with her. I consider giving momma a little while to have a conversation without a toddler running around is very supportive

[Sassafrass]

DH hasn't been to any of my appointments, other that the initial consultation. He has to work. My midwife and I think it is more important for him to save up his vacation time to be home for a week or so after the birth. He will come to a couple of appointments coming up soon, though. We only have 8 weeks left. Where did the time go???

[mooliette]

My DH has attended all our appointments for both boys, and will for the next as well (crossing fingers for a girl). To be honest with you all, when I'm preggers as some of you may experience my memory is shot. If I don't write stuff down, I'm clueless...lol, so I bring my journal with me to my appointments and jot down important stuff. But my DH has a memory like anything, I rely on him so much for stuff I can't remember. He still remembers names of herbs I took with my first pregancy, he simply amazes me...

[sadean]

I can count on one hand the number of appointments my dh has attended over course of my past TWO pregnancies :LOL But he has always been as involved as he could be. He takes everything I say seriously and if he has a question I cannot answer, I ask my caregiver and relay the information. He came to the initial "interviews" with HB midwifes last time and gave inputs as to which one he liked.

[2+twins]

My dh attended all my midwife appointments in my first pregnancy. I did overlap for the first 28 weeks or so with appts at my ob's office so he didn't go to most of those, but he did go to all the midwife ones. Once we had a toddler though, we found it very hard for him to go to the appts for the 2nd baby. He went to them if the weren't scheduled at dd's naptime, but in most cases they were and there really weren't a lot of scheduling options. What can you do? He stayed home with her (you don't want to see dd w/o her nap!). When we all went together or when he was working and I had to take dd in with me by myself, tearing her away from her office was a nightmare too (they had toys there)! I wish he could have attended more - I guess I dream of having the tv pregnant hubby (touching the belly all the time, not letting me lift a finger ) but he's not like that. He says he knows I know how to handle myself. But he is caring and involved in his own ways. Fortunatley since we used the same midwifes second time around, they already new him very well so we didn't have your issues. I'd just address the midwife directly and let her know how you feel. That's what's great about midwifes - they're there to hear you! And if she wants to get to know him better, maybe after she's done checking you she could sit down and chat with him for awhile while you take over for dh with your son.

[LizD]

I am not that interested in having my husband attend appointments with the midwife. I only take my daughter because she homeschools and at first needed to be a bit more involved. Now she is excited about it and I do want her to hear the heartbeat and feel the baby, but I was quite happy the first time, with no other children, to go alone.

The one appointment my husband could make so far turned out to be a day when our midwife was at a birth, and we met with another midwife (who won't be at our birth even as backup due to distance). I really didn't care for this midwife at the visit. But when I saw my midwife next, the backup had said I had no family support and all these other things that weren't true in the least- even said I had concerns about needing to meet the backup OB which I have no intention of doing anyway! I was very angry my partner had been made out to be unsupportive and distant, especially when that can't but color my real midwife's impression of him when they do finally meet. At that time my daughter was revelling in telling people she's not looking forward to having a brother or sister, because everyone acts so shocked, and this backup midwife took that completely seriously and made a huge deal with the real midwife over that also. So my family's presence at that visit was an unmitigated disaster.

I don't like the idea that because a woman goes to the doctor or midwife alone her partner is often viewed as uninvolved or unsupportive. I might have things I want to discuss privately with my health care provider and prefer to go alone. My husband also had no questions for the annoying backup woman, and that was logged as some kind of evidence. I am a doula, for one thing, and we have done this before, so there aren't any questions, and I'm the one having the baby and choosing the midwife, as far as we are both concerned.

As a doula I can understand needing at least to meet the spouse before the birth and, if possible and convenient, others who will be there. I also understand, however, the nightmare yet one more appointment can be for a family to manage all together especially if there are other children.

I personally would find it weird and annoying if my husband or boyfriend wanted to come to every midwife appointment with me, so I am lucky to have the partner who's right for me, though the backup midwife didn't seem to think so!