I've posted a couple times how I adopted a 14 year old. Well, he's 17 now and we have just had lots and lots of problems. Recently I posted how we ended up calling the cops on him because he put his hands on me and then for drug use. Well, when he got out of jail, he started spending a lot of time with his biological mother, and then decided on Mother's Day that he wanted to live with her.
Fast forward three weeks later. We had moved (was in the plan before he even left) to a city where all of his friends are. His bio mother told him she couldn't afford to take care of him anymore, so he came back. His behaviors were fine except for the fact that he wouldn't call me mom. He will call my husband dad, but not call me mom. And he won't say I love you. I asked him why he wouldn't say Mom anymore and he said it was because he just loved his bio mom so much and didn't want to do anything to hurt her, but his bio dad isn't in the picture, so he desires to have a strong bond with his adopted dad and therefore will call him dad. As hurtful as that is, since my husband is the one that is really hard on my son and is the one who got him thrown in jail for the drugs and a slew of other things, I moved on.
So yesterday, my son calls me and wants me to take him to his gf's house, which is about 30 minutes away. I said I didn't know, I would have to talk to DH. Well, he calls back a couple hours later and talks about how he's going over there, with us taking him. I told him that I didn't tell him yes, that I told him I needed to talk to his dad first. He got an attitude with me and hung up the phone.
My husband FREAKED out on him. Kicked him out of the house, yelled at the top of his lungs, swearing, etc. I was defending my son and telling my husband that he was acting ridiculous. I made everyone sit down and talk. I acted as the mediator. What did I get out of it? My son telling ME that he doesn't love me and that he doesn't even like me and that I do nothing to show him love and that I do nothing nice for him. That the only real love he has is with his bio family. I did say some not nice things here about his bio mother out of frustration, which I shouldn't have done. I was just burnt out on hearing how great she is when she is such a horrible, horrible person.
So my husband goes into work and tells me to just leave him alone (he was in his room on the computer listening to music and such). So I do. I watch TV, I go to bed. I don't take him his pill like I normally due, I don't say goodnight and I love you, I just go to bed.
So this morning I wake him up for work like usual. He asks me to make him coffee, which I normally do. I said no. He asked why not. I said I wasn't going to do nice things any more since they weren't appreciated. He says: "Really, we're still going to go on about this this morning?" My car was running low on coolant, so my husband had to take him into work. On the way, my son is complaining to him about how I am making the day bad, and how can I expect him to have a good day when I'm just bringing things back up. My husband tells him that he is sorry for the way that he acted last night, that he says things when he is mad that he shouldn't, and that he just wants us all to move on. He comes home and tells me this, and I agree. We will move on. Put it behind us.
So I go to pick up my son from work, and he was complaining that I didn't give him his Adderall this morning. I said I knew, and that I had been mad, and that I knew that him and my husband had talked and I was ready to put it behind us and just move forward. He said no, that just because him and his dad talked doesn't mean that him and I are okay. That I hold grudges and I am a child and he's mad. Then he refuses to talk to me about it because "he doesn't want to".
I put my heart and soul into this child. We loved him from before he was even ours. I mentored him for 2 years and then his homelife was discovered to be bad and he confided in me about it. He wanted to live with us, we loved him and made it happen. He asked us to adopt him. We did it, because we couldn't imagine our lives without him anyway. We've taken in his siblings (all 3 of them) from time to time, even his bio mother for a few days. We are 28 and 29 years old and have a 17 year old son. It hasn't been easy, we have given a lot up - including a cross country move - for him. And now I am just hostile about it. I defended him yesterday - I was advocating for him, and I'm being punished more than the one who kicked him out. He targets me all the time. And he has wiped away all memories of any bad that his bio mother did, and any good that I have done. Yesterday he told me that when he's sad I don't care. He used to get mad at me for asking too often if he was okay so I let up. I have had him in counseling, but when I offer for him to go back he said that I only ever suggest counseling and that doesn't help people. Then he gets mad that I suggest it. He said I don't ever sit and comfort him when he's sad - I can name so many different times when I have sat right next to him when he misses his siblings or him and DH get into an argument. Everything good has just left his memory, and I'm the one suffering.