My mom and I have a difficult relationship. Several years ago I cut her off for about 10 years, and during that I became a mom and matured into a middle aged woman. Realizing that life is not infinite I decided to try once again to rebuild a relationship. We went to counseling for many months and worked on the relationship. I let my kids get to know her and she has been a great grandma in so many ways. Mom and I became friends, too, and we had certain boundaries that were respected.
Then my dad died. He and my mom were in an abusive relationship. Mostly it was my Dad's abuse but mom was not an angel either. I was affected by my dad's abuse as well. But the last 12 years my dad and I rebuilt our relationship, apologies were made, forgiveness was given, and we had a very good adult relationship. He remarried and learned to treat my step-mom well. He died too young,was just 59, but I'm so glad we made peace and enjoyed a good relationship.
So when he died I grieved pretty hard. Still am grieving because it's only been a few months. I have no siblings to grieve with. My mom hates my father and is angry at him for the abuse she endured and I don't blame her. However she thrives on the anger and brings it up a lot in my presence. It's one of those things we agreed in counseling she was not to bring up but she had started to do that again. The kids even overheard her once talking about their grandpa and I asked her to drop it and she got angry with me. When he died she initially asked how I was coping and I told her honestly that I missed him and was glad we had reconciled before he died. She wrote a letter to me saying she was glad he died, the world was a safer place for her now. That was pretty much the last straw and I told her I needed some time and distance to grieve and recover.
So then today we had counseling to try to heal from that and get back on track. We got nowhere really. She thinks I'm idolizing my dad, which is a normal thing to do after someone dies, you need good memories. I agreed not to ever bring him up again because it upsets her that he apologized to me for his abuse and we moved on, and he never did that to her. She is so irked by this but of course their relationship ended with their divorce when I was school-aged. I asked her in turn to agree not to talk about my dad in front of me because I cannot stand hearing hateful things about him especially now that he's gone. It causes me a lot of pain. She said she is survivor, it's part of her story and she feels it's her right to talk about it whenever she wants.
That's where the session ended and I feel like it's probably not going to go anywhere. We have another session in a few weeks. Hopefully she will agree to respect that boundary. The counselor said my request was reasonable. But if it's not honored is that enough to cut her off again for awhile? We have made so much progress until this big obstacle has come.
What is your input on this?