I'm a new member but a lurker for quite some time and this is my first post, so I've kind of jumped right in. Hope you all won't mind the length, I just don't know I can condense it down without losing valuable info.
I, for as long as I can remember, have been a passive aggressive, fence straddler. I always try to stay neutral and unbiased about issues including my own. But then it makes it difficult to know if I'm robbing myself of what I deserve and making excuses for what I don't deserve.
My partner and I don't identify with the traditional idea of marriage, I guess we've kind of grown to see it as a friendly business adventure. <<It sounds cold but that's not how we behave. We moved too fast as a couple but lucky for me my mate is overall a great friend and wonderful father. He's even been more of a father figure to me than my own dad could've been. I truly love him for that but I don't believe I've ever been in love with him. I could never give him all of me with so much childhood baggage. I have a hard time trusting, I'm not routinely affectionate and barely enjoy sex. Guess you could say I have serious daddy issues. :(
Out of our 8 yrs together, he cheated on me twice during what I thought were our better years and both while I was pregnant. The first was a close but no cigar type thing. Second was the real deal, not the same woman, mind you. And goodness the affair and subsequent shame hurt worse than I could've imagined. Shame on me for thinking I had managed to have a better family than I grew up in. I always leaned towards Buddhist ideals so after his second affair, I took a more spiritual approach to help me cope. He jumped on board as well. To, in effect, keep the family together for the kids because I'm a child of divorce and I wasn't about to let cheating be the end all to an otherwise decent family dynamic. He's always been good to me in every way but that. That was me shoving logic ahead of emotions.
Anyway, I wanted to be realistic and told him I don't own him and he should do whatever he feels is spiritually right but be open about it and I would do the same. Yeah, so that's what I wanted to believe in so badly but my emotions, my mind wants me to be jealous, to feel ownership, to...I guess feel I deserve a man who won't sleep around on me despite all he does for me. But then I question why i care if he ever cheats again, I don't like sex anyway. It seems so complicated cus I want to not care but I keep finding myself caring anyway!
Can anyone see something within all of this? He's aware of most of my feelings but I can't make any sense of it all. I hate to ask what I should do since for most people cheating is a deal breaker, but really I don't know what to trust, my emotions or the logic?