- topicStay At Home Parentstagged by mamazee, 6/28/13
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- A Mama's Peace
Help! I need advice on a mil who dosent respect me because i stay homepost #1 of 56/27/13 at 6:27pmThread StarterSo my mil and I have a pretty good relationship where I can usually talk to her about things but when I let my guard down on certain topics she really shows her true colors. One such instance happened this weekend and she said sole things that were very hurtful and disrespectful. I stay home with my 2 daughters ages 3 and 6 and haven't worked since the first was born so about 7 years. She brought them home after a night at her house and we were sitting in my living room talking and we got into the subject of how my husband doesn't help out around here(which I should have known better, I know) and so I say it's exhausting to have.to do everything and I never get a day off unless she takes them very rarely and I never get to clock out. Her reply was, and not the first time she's thrown it into my face.. "I had 3 kids and worked forty hours 5 days a weekand then came home and did everything you do so I don't understand why you have.such a hard time with it" first off, I wasn't saying I have a hard time with it.. Just saying that the hubs could be a bit more involved in the home life. Her husband would take the kids off to do things with and I know because my hubs has told me this... Mine never does, they are too much of an inconvenience, but this rant isn't about him because im used to that, don't like it but im used to it. She then goes on to say that I don't do enough and since I haven't really worked since we've been parents I don't really own anything around here because it's his money that bought it all and I should give him more credit for just doing that. Which, I treat my husband like a king and she knows it. It then goes to that I don't do enough and by now I think she's defensive because I told her that she never had to be the sole caregiver 24 hours a day, if the kids need anything, they come to me even if hubs is right there. She's always criticized my housekeeping as well hit she's eased off that some since hubs laid into her about it. And just for the record, I clean my house daily but it's never immaculate, which with 2 kids how could it be? I don't take offense to it anymore because I know how much work I put into my house and quite frankly time spent with my children is more important than cleaning 15 hours a day. Im just really offended that she thinks I don't do anything around here.. Isn't being a stay at home mom a job that deserves respect? Am I missing something here?post #2 of 56/27/13 at 6:51pmI'm sorry you aren't feeling supported
First off I always say that adult kids should only deal with their own parents, but it sounds like you have an ok relationship with your MIL.
Second it is hard to SAH. Things get messier and I swear sometimes that there is more work around the house when you stay home! Families that are working/school/daycare out of the house all day don't mess up the houses as bad because they are in them for less time. They have their own challenges of course but neither is harder or easier than the other.
They are both hard work in their own ways.
It could be a envious thing with your MIL, or could just be that's she's forgotten what the little kids stage was really like, or it could be a grass is greener type thing.
My MIL thinks I should work and put the kids in daycare. She thinks daycare is super important in a child's life. I (and my husband) disagree. But then my MIL is an ECE working in my FIL's (used to be "theirs" until they divorced) daycare. So to her it is the best thing.
Actually my mom who SAH full time is always encouraging me to work or peruse classes, and I do a bit of both on an off but I prefer to have the kids at home with me during the day or afterschool.
Deep breaths mama, but if it were me, I'd be discussing it with my DH so that he could deal with it in future conversations. If I didn't have that support then I'd probably put on my kids gloves if she brought it up the next time...
"Wow that sounds hard for you. I find it hard too but the situations are different, you can't compare the two. We are home a lot of the day to mess up the house, if I were working there would be less daily mess to clean up. While that sounds nice, my staying home to raise the kids in our home with our ideals and expectations are something the _______ (DH) and I really feel strongly about. And it's a decision we made together. I do wish he'd help out more, but I am thankful for your help when I get it and for your non critical ear to vent to."post #3 of 56/27/13 at 8:16pm
I would not discuss this stuff with her at all. Older people tend to forget how hard things were and glorify their own contributions.
My mil told me many many many times that she doesnt know whats wrong with my baby because her son bever cried. Not once. Not once ever since the day he was born did he cry. This is not true as other family members have told me many things she just plain doesn't remember. Also she raised her kids in a totally different time. even without saying it things we do differently then them can offend how they did it and she may just be taking this chance to kind of lash back a little. There is a huge shift between wat she was supposed to do to raise her kids and now. Also if she worked back then I bet she got a lot of backlash then and has been defending her choice a long time. I also NEVER EVER complain about my partner to his parents. They also take offense in faults in their children as they raised them. I once complained to MIL and she cried and apologized. I realized it was like if someone told me my kid was a jerk I would be hurt or offended. Sounds like a conversation that got out of control. I would not refer to it as her true colors as much as you are different women who raised different children in different times and will not always agree 100% with each other.
post #4 of 56/28/13 at 4:06am
I opened this thread because I thought I wrote it =).
I feel you!!! My kids are 6 and 8 yrs old, I haven't worked a day, ha!!!!!!!! Let me refrazzzzzzze that! I haven't gotten a pay check in 8 years. I worked very hard from age 15 to 31 yrs old when I gave birth. THIS is the hardest job I ever had! I LOVE being home with the kids, I want to be there for them, and it presents so many challenges for me over the years. Just my own stuff really, I wish I were able to help provide financial support somehow.
My MIL also makes comments. If I can be honest, and it sounds like you know it, you kinda walked right into that one =). AND I've done the same thing with my MIL so many times over the years. AND it doesn't feel good! My mom too actually. I was the perfect baby according to her. My daughter was 10.6 lbs when she was born (just kept getting bigger ), nursed throughout the day and night, ONLY slept on my lap for naps, nursed throughout the night. I can't count how many times my mom said she didn't get how I was having so much trouble when I was a baby I just feel asleep wherever, it was never a problem. I wanted to scream! It's a different human being, I don't know either, let's talk to God and ask him, I'm not doing anything wrong. It pushed a button for SURE.
So I feel you and hugs! Comments are just comments, they're not truths. You just hold on to what you know to be true and try to let it go as a woman who speaks her strong opinions, ones that you don't share. She is who she is and that's OK. Just as we are who we are and we don't want to be changed.
Hope none of that sounds 'preachy'
And it terms of your husband not helping out more around the house. I feel ya there too. Another thing we both have to work on letting go. Not sure if you share this but my husband lets it slip sometimes that cleaning is my job. Ha!!!!! That really sends me. Yes, it is my job to... well you know the mile long list, AND it is NOT my job to clean up after an adult and two growing children. I don't even get into it with him about it. Instead I model being organized, readdressing the kids chore charts, getting him to help motivate the kids to clean, and ask him to help by giving an option = "do you want to pack lunches or empty the dishwasher?"
Keep us updated!! Hugs!post #5 of 56/28/13 at 4:18am
Hey, me again, I just also noticed the title of your post and that you mentioned the word respect again in your post.
Well, I think it's safe to bet my life that my MIL thinks I should get a job (since she's implied it to me and flat out told my husband several times) and thinks I should do most of what I do differently. Maybe your MIL is the same.
Respect. Honestly, this might sound corny. But we don't need anyone else's respect. Would it be nice, heck yeah. But as long as I respect myself, I am good. Honestly, I don't know that even my husband respects me as much as I would wish. AND that's his deal, not mine.
It reminds me of what Byron Katie talks about. Are you familiar with her? She has several books, tours the world talking (I've seen her three times), has a school in CA, she has lots of videos on youtube and a great website with lots of info. Below is one of the many videos.
She has a worksheet, free on her website. It takes us through a though we are having about someone and breaks it down for us. It might be of interest to you. It does feel like 'work' to do it and she calls it that. Her thing is if we want to be happy and free of thoughts that don't work for us and many times aren't quite accurate, we have to do the work to see them without 'confusion' as she refers to it.
Byron Katie: He should be more understanding- The Work of Byron Katie
- Where The Heart Is
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