or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Younger moms -- what is your opinion of these two t-shirts for a 13-year-old girl?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Younger moms -- what is your opinion of these two t-shirts for a 13-year-old girl? - Page 3

post #41 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetSilver View Post
  but I think the fear of one's daughter becoming the "slut" rather than the victim is no small part of their battle, albeit subconsciously.

Just thought i'd mention that my daughter is free to become a 'slut' as long as  she chooses and is doing so safely. Like 'frigid', im not really sure what 'slut' means , nor think its a real word.  I dont think i'd want her to be a 'slut' at 13 though,  anymore than i'd like her to be married then, or pregnant....im 46, i  dont know if that makes a difference (she's only 17months, maybe ill feel differently when she actually is 13....)

post #42 of 73

I'm not a young mom, but I have a tween who sometimes likes to push the envelope a bit.  I would probably let her wear the "wink wink" shirt but wouldn't be thrilled by it.  "Bite me" is either sexual or rude or both, and I would not allow it.

post #43 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by cantora87 View Post

No, you don't always want her constantly seeing herself in third person, but like it or not, what we wear DOES affect how people see us, and I'd rather know what people may think about me if I wear a certain thing and make sure I'm projecting the image I want to project.

At 13 you don't have the experience to know what is socially acceptable/what others may see/how others may see you, that's mom's job to predict and guide away from IMO.

post #44 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessedwithboys View Post

Full disclosure: I am in my mid to late 30s but I have an adult child as well as a preteen.


I would say NO to both shirts. Way too suggestive. I would explain why they are inappropriate, reimburse what the child spent, and not for one second consider abdicating my parental authority under the premise of letting a 13 child decide what is and is not sexually suggestive.

I envy people who can articulate things so easily and clearly....

This statement sums up how I feel.

post #45 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
"... will be teaching her that the possibility of the disapproval of the church ladies is more important to the mother than what the daughter wants for herself. "

I can't really take seriously that the daughter wanting to wear clingy tee shirts that are suggestive, provocative or rude is more important than teaching your daughter to respect societal roles and norms.  To me it is important to guide my child in how certain things are going to make her look to other people.  If we go to church then why shouldn't I want my child to respect the people we go to church with and not try to provoke them or offend them?

 

Ultimately I don't want my daughter using her chest as a billboard for rude or provocative slogans, she's better than that and I will tell her so.  Hopefully our relationship will be good enough that even if she doesn't like it she will at least listen to me.

 

And I think there are other ways to express your individuality than through suggestive baby tees.  Many many many other ways.

post #46 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetSilver View Post

  I don't think many parents will admit it, but I think the fear of one's daughter becoming the "slut" rather than the victim is no small part of their battle, albeit subconsciously.

I really think for me more it is about the age and not really comprehending the attention that sort of shirt is eluding to.  It's deeper than a 13 year old can really comprehend and I agree with the mom who said it's different at 18.  I really don't care what my daughter wears at 18.  BUt at 13 I still have to guide her...IMO much more than even at 5-8-10.

post #47 of 73
Regardless of how we, as female adults, may choose to interpret "Bite Me," I can absolutely assure that many young adolescent males will interpret it in a sexual way. Most guys of that age could interpret darn near anything as sexual (yes, and girls, too, before someone fusses at me for being sexist).

I have taught kids that age for a long time and have a college-aged son.
post #48 of 73

No to "bite me." Yes to "wink wink"  (50 year old mom)
 

post #49 of 73
Maybe I live in a more liberal city or something - these shirts really wouldnt clash with "societal norms" where I live. May be I'm around teens more and know that the current style is fitted , not baggy, so that doesn't bother me.

The style here is for teen girls to wear shirts that you can see through and thankfully both my dd's think it is super tacky. A solid tee with a silly saying is quite tame.

I think any parent of a teen who puts silly t-shirts in the same category as addictive drugs, unprotected sex, or drinking and driving is on the wrong path.

If the 13 year does get unwanted attention from the shirt , couldn't she decide from that to not wear it again? I doubt that the case, as I'm not sure such attention would be linked to a shirt. I suspect the real issue is the disapproval of some adults, and if she is a normal 13 year old, she won't care.

Also living with a 13 year old girl isn't easy, and their moms take the brunt of it. I think the reason for the difference between the more mellow response of older moms vs more hard core younger moms is the knowledge that you really need to pick your battles.
post #50 of 73

^^^My own mom seemed to think I was the worst teenager on the planet for some reason. She never had to deal with a teenager who actually skipped class, smoked, did drugs, stayed out late, even had a boyfriend... On the scale of stuff teenagers can do, these shirts seem pretty tame. My kid is still a toddler, but I can't see myself fixating on something like this when she's a teen. 

post #51 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I think any parent of a teen who puts silly t-shirts in the same category as addictive drugs, unprotected sex, or drinking and driving is on the wrong path.
 

If the 13 year does get unwanted attention from the shirt , couldn't she decide from that to not wear it again? I doubt that the case, as I'm not sure such attention would be linked to a shirt. I suspect the real issue is the disapproval of some adults, and if she is a normal 13 year old, she won't care.
 

I don't see why having a standard for your young daughter to up hold when it comes to dress is wrong.  And I wouldn't want her using drugs, having any sex at age 13 or drinking or driving at that age.  And I wouldn't want to have to choose.  I think if my daughter is so caught up in wearing an inappropriate tee shirt then I have bigger fish to fry at that point.  Why is it such a big deal that she would need to wear it?

 

And I think sometimes young girls may want attention that is not healthy for them to have/get.  She may not mind inappropriate attention but I would mind it on her behalf if that makes any sense.

post #52 of 73

I am younger mom 24. I don't really see there being much of a problem wearing them. They even do not think they are sexual those words might be giving. "bite me" "wink wink" they are kinda funny thing. They might be trying to get attention, it is normal at their age. I remember I was the same at their age. Just let them do themsevels. BTW, you are so great mom.

post #53 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by dauphinette View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I think any parent of a teen who puts silly t-shirts in the same category as addictive drugs, unprotected sex, or drinking and driving is on the wrong path.  If the 13 year does get unwanted attention from the shirt , couldn't she decide from that to not wear it again? I doubt that the case, as I'm not sure such attention would be linked to a shirt. I suspect the real issue is the disapproval of some adults, and if she is a normal 13 year old, she won't care.
 

I don't see why having a standard for your young daughter to up hold when it comes to dress is wrong.  And I wouldn't want her using drugs, having any sex at age 13 or drinking or driving at that age.  And I wouldn't want to have to choose.  I think if my daughter is so caught up in wearing an inappropriate tee shirt then I have bigger fish to fry at that point.  Why is it such a big deal that she would need to wear it?

 

And I think sometimes young girls may want attention that is not healthy for them to have/get.  She may not mind inappropriate attention but I would mind it on her behalf if that makes any sense.

Finding the words on t-shirts innocuous is not same as having no standards.  That's a huge leap of logic that falls short.

 

The second statement is why I mentioned parents being afraid that their daughter becomes the "slut" (insert better word here: meaning cultivating and encouraging certain flirtatious and sexual attention and behavior from others).  I don't think we are so much fearful of our girls being assaulted because she wore a "wink wink" shirt, but that it might end up being a "gateway shirt" to dressing up (and acting like) a prostitute and experimenting in sex at a young age.  (And--ouch--liking it.)

 

We (understandably) cringe at a 13yo engaging in any behavior that suggests sexual readiness, or even that sexuality is right around the corner.  It is an uncomfortable thought that our kids are on the cusp of that stage of life.  I also happen to think there is still a little animal sense leftover from the days primeval that causes us to discourage sexuality in our offspring.

 

We are also mortified about what others might think of our parenting.  We might not personally disapprove of the way our daughters choose to dress, but what about other parents?  (My girls hate brushing their hair, and I couldn't care less for the most part, but when I start stepping out the door to go somewhere, suddenly I do care.)  And, of course, there is the opinion of their peers.  Will the "good girls" shun her, causing her to get approval from the "bad girls" are therefore reinforce her choices?  

 

The question I keep coming back to is, what is really going to happen?  This is primarily about the opinions of others, and not about any fear of bodily harm.  Probably the most realistic fear is that this kind of clothing choice will force her to choose between the approving (but possibly "loose" girls and --heaven forbid-- boys and unparents) or changing her choices to appeal to the disapproving (and presumably "upright" girls and parents).

post #54 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetSilver View Post

Finding the words on t-shirts innocuous is not same as having no standards.  That's a huge leap of logic that falls short.

 

The second statement is why I mentioned parents being afraid that their daughter becomes the "slut" (insert better word here: meaning cultivating and encouraging certain flirtatious and sexual attention and behavior from others).  I don't think we are so much fearful of our girls being assaulted because she wore a "wink wink" shirt, but that it might end up being a "gateway shirt" to dressing up (and acting like) a prostitute and experimenting in sex at a young age.  (And--ouch--liking it.)

 

We (understandably) cringe at a 13yo engaging in any behavior that suggests sexual readiness, or even that sexuality is right around the corner.  It is an uncomfortable thought that our kids are on the cusp of that stage of life.  I also happen to think there is still a little animal sense leftover from the days primeval that causes us to discourage sexuality in our offspring.

 

We are also mortified about what others might think of our parenting.  We might not personally disapprove of the way our daughters choose to dress, but what about other parents?  (My girls hate brushing their hair, and I couldn't care less for the most part, but when I start stepping out the door to go somewhere, suddenly I do care.)  And, of course, there is the opinion of their peers.  Will the "good girls" shun her, causing her to get approval from the "bad girls" are therefore reinforce her choices?  

 

The question I keep coming back to is, what is really going to happen?  This is primarily about the opinions of others, and not about any fear of bodily harm.  Probably the most realistic fear is that this kind of clothing choice will force her to choose between the approving (but possibly "loose" girls and --heaven forbid-- boys and unparents) or changing her choices to appeal to the disapproving (and presumably "upright" girls and parents).

I think we are just going to have to agree to disagree.  I feel really good about everything I have said, and your logic just doesn't make sense for me, if it's good for you then that works for me, I can be confident about what I believe and you can do the same.

 

And as an aside, I was that young girl experimenting with things that looking back I regret, I wish someone had reigned me in, given me boundaries until I had the experience to make them for myself.  So that's where I am coming from and it's just the reality for me.  Everyone is different and I hope that I can give my little girl what she needs, not what I need, or you need or the OP's kid needs but just what's right for her which what I will try to do.

post #55 of 73
It is very possible our reactions come from our own experiences. My parents tried to control my behavior with boys by sexually shaming me, so I'm very sensitive to that and consider it worse than premarital sex.
post #56 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

It is very possible our reactions come from our own experiences. My parents tried to control my behavior with boys by sexually shaming me, so I'm very sensitive to that and consider it worse than premarital sex.

I very much agree with you and would never want to sexually shame my daughter.  I just want to encourage her to make the most thoughtful decisions she can.

post #57 of 73

The older a teen is, the more mature she will become and the more savvy about understanding what boys might be suggesting if they respond to her T-shirt, and then, how to handle those comments. I think this conversation would be much different if we were talking about a 16 or 17 year old teenage girl with more time and life experience to bear. Most 13 year olds are pretty naive, and she might not even understand why these t-shirts are suggestive in the first place, let alone how to handle sexually suggestive comments if they come her way. My guess is she got them because they were cute and she likes the vampire movies, not because she was aiming to be precocious and bother her mother. Which in my opinion, IS where parental guidance comes in. If she doesn't understand how others might interpret her shirts, then she really isn't wearing them in an informed way, therefore really not making a choice in the full sense of the word. Parental guidance at least offers a fuller context around how the rest of the community might perceive her shirts.
 

post #58 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by lauren View Post

 Most 13 year olds are pretty naive, and she might not even understand why these t-shirts are suggestive in the first place, let alone how to handle sexually suggestive comments if they come her way.
 

OK, older moms, remember "Relax"?  (Frankie Goes to Hollywood, BTW for younger moms).  Who danced to that and sang that song at the top of their lungs and knew what it meant?  It makes "wink wink" look like toddler's play!  I'm sure there are so many other examples.  And the sexual advance I had in junior high came while I was where jeans up high on my waist and a "polo" shirt and a baggy knock-off "member's only" jacket.  

 

I know that doesn't mean that "therefore this shirt is OK" (even though I think that) just that this shirt in no way prevents those things.  Acceptable shirts are going to prevent none of that.  Conversations might, however.

post #59 of 73

I don't think either t-shirt is suggestive. As several others said, "bite me" is just used as a go away, leave me alone sort of phrase (more polite than F off, not much worse than saying shut up.) And she likes vampires so I can see why the OP's daughter wants to wear a t-shirt with a bit of attitude and the vampire twist.

 

I'm always arguing with dh that words that started out innocent and have taken on sexual implications to people with their minds in the gutter are still ok to say in non sexual contexts. I'm not going to try to get ds to not say something is screwed up or that something sucks just because it makes some people think of sex. That's their problem. What would carpenters do if the word screw was widely considered rude? rolleyes.gif

 

I remember being in high school and none of the girls wanting to eat bananas in public (or in the cafeteria) lest someone make an oral sex reference. How sad is that? 

 

I have always avoided getting ds shirts that have phrases that project an attitude and I think it's odd when parents do choose clothes like that for their kids. But it's a different matter when they pick them out themselves.

post #60 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4evermom View Post

I have always avoided getting ds shirts that have phrases that project an attitude and I think it's odd when parents do choose clothes like that for their kids. But it's a different matter when they pick them out themselves.

Why?  And i'm genuinely asking because to me it wouldn't be different.  Either way the shirt seems rude to me, whether the parent chooses it for their child (why would you do that?) or the kid chooses it....Why does this child want/need to say "bite me" if they are meaning it in a rude way.  I can understand if she is just naïve and thinks of only the cute vampire play on words but other people are not all going to read it that way and there in lies the problem for me.

 

I was a very naïve 13 year old(who turned into a very jaded 15 year old quite quickly) and I wouldn't have understood fully if someone made a lewd response to a "bite me" shirt at that age.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Younger moms -- what is your opinion of these two t-shirts for a 13-year-old girl?