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Just worked out I'm pregnant and not sure what my partner is going to say....

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 

I know that you will all have your answers about this and I am sure that some of them will ring true. More than anything I think I just want to tell someone!!


My DH and I have been together for 16 years and married for 13. We have 2 beautiful children DD 12 turning 13 and DS just turned 10 (his birth story is archived on here somewhere!). He also has 2 kids from his first marriage DS 27 and DD 25 - and 2 grandchildren 2 and 4....


He has been adamant that he does not want any more children mostly because of his grandchildren! He doesn't think it is a good look to have kids younger than grandkids...and I can see it is possibly socially unacceptable.

He is 48 and I am 35... he is heading towards winding down in his life - he wants to buy a yacht and sail around the world! He has said that he doesn't think he will cope with another baby and he had just come around to the idea of a vasectomy...


I have always been open to more kids but respect his wishes and was thinking that the time had passed and we had left the gap to long..


So the long and short of it is...I just peed on a stick and I am preggers...I'm not sure how to tell him and how he is going to take the news....


We have a good relationship and we talk to each other. We went through a nasty spell a few years ago including infedelity but we came out the other side stronger and more in love...I guess in my heart I know I have to be honest...

I love the idea of another baby but i already have the answers about what older kids are like...teenager's are hard and do I want to be doing that hard stuff when I am 50 and he is 63??


Thank you for listening...it feels better to have put this down in words....

post #2 of 12
Hugs, Bethstar! I will be 39 when I have DS2 and my hubby is 44. We will be in our 50s for the teen years. We'll be older but I think in a way kids keep you young (when they're not draining the life out of you LOL).

You can still sail around the world with a little one, it will just be different. I hope DH will come around to the idea and be excited for the future. Please keep us updated!
post #3 of 12
Oh, and congratulations!!
post #4 of 12
A) you didn't get pregnant to trick or deceive him

B) pregnancies can be a hazard in a straight couple's regular sex life... I have a GF the pill loves to trick

Just tell him, the sooner the better. People do sail around the world with small children, it just takes a little more planning. And if you are off sailing most of the time, the social aspect of being an "Older" parent won't be so in your face all the time.

Babies are seldom "the end of the world" but sometimes they do act as a catalyst for change in one's life.
post #5 of 12

Our youngest will be 1 next week and hubby will be 40 in Aug. so her teen years will be in his 50s too. Our oldest is 13 and we are open to more babies so we may have the baby/grandbaby thing too. Oh, hubby and my dad were both born to parents who were in their 40s.


I've read a few different accounts of families sailing together. Let me know if you want me to find the websites.

post #6 of 12

I don't need to imagine how hard it feels to hear these reservations from the man you love because we too had an unplanned pregnancy, except at the other end (husband thought it was too soon). It hurt like hell to hear him spell out some of the problems we would face ahead, and to make the choice to keep our baby. However, I think it helped that I was able to listen to this without letting my over-sensitive mama-bear protective emotions keep me from being a compassionate listener. I think if you want a PARTNER then family planning needs to be a joint decision.


Having said that, I also know what it's like to be the unplanned last kid, so I'll share my story with you in case it helps. 


I have a funky family where my sisters have kids my age and older! I won't lie-- it's weird, and I won't sugar coat it because I think it is a big difference from a "normal" family, even when it turns out well. Maybe it's better now that there are less "normal" families everyday? 


Anyway... My dad was 60 when I was born, and my mom was 35. I personally didn't think TOO much of it as a kid, but lots of people made comments, and at school, well-meaning volunteers and stuff were always saying things like "you're grandpa's here!" which I can't imagine made my dad very happy. Thank goodness we weren't very wealthy, or I'm sure there would have been more unsavory comments about my mom's age (and intentions...) too. As it is, there were only a few. Sometimes kids would confess it was weird to see them together. 


Then, his kids from his first marriage (who were the same age as my mom) resented my mom for being the replacement to their mom and being younger. That, I think more than anything, led to LOTS of jealousy and tension and rough family dinners were people tried to get a long, but a lot of passive aggressiveness was happening. I don't know if this would have been any different without a kid though. 


On the other hand, I got to grow up with two stay at home parents ( he retired at 65) ! That meant we built a solid family core and my parents had lots of time for things like family dinners, vacations, shuttling me and my friends around, etc. He didn't have the energy or physique to do some of the things young dads do with kids (like roughhousing or going on outdoorsy-trips, etc.) but he had all the love he needed to help with forts, let me help him with gardening, teach me to love reading and NPR (lol).   


Unfortunately, that led to further jealousy from my older siblings. One even said openly that she resented that I was getting the father she never knew, because he was a work-a-holic when she was a kid. Gotta love hearing that when you're 12... 


Overall, I think my parents made it work as well as it did because they love each other, and because they don't believe in abortion (VERY religious) but as much as I love them, I often think of how I made his retirement years anything but relaxing. Not to mention that having an unplanned kid this late impacted my family's finances in a big way (no yacht for him...) and it meant that I felt a need to leave home and provide for myself at 18 because I didn't want to be a burden anymore. 


All in all, I overall think of my childhood as a good one, but there are unique burdens and barriers to face when you have a blended family.

post #7 of 12
It sounds to me like not only are you unsure of how he will react, you are unsure of your own reaction, also. I know for me, talking things out with someone else when I am feeling conflicted can help me realize what I really want. If he doesn't want this baby, will you feel relieved or devastated? You may not know until you sit him down. Good luck!
post #8 of 12
Thread Starter 
Well...it sort of went down as I expected...fear, anger, sadness, grief....I waited until he had drunk a bottle of wine!! I know...not ideal...but my courage was boosted by his jovial state!!

We talked about the options...he is freaking out about finances and his loss of life...but we ar heading down the path to having a baby! He is already shopping for a bigger car...!

So far he hasn't mentioned his other kids...or grand kids...he is fazing through joy and fear...has a permanent state of shock plastered across his face!!

I am still a bit shocked about it all...I'm not sure if I want my life to be so different to how it is at this moment but I guess life is an ever evolving journey.

We have talked about him staying home with "it" because I am the primary bread winner and i think that he is a tiny bit excited about that idea! Cute!!

I'm sure we will have a lot of ups and downs ahead...I'm not going to get to uptight about it Until we have hit the 12 week scan etc and know its all ok!

Thanks for your words of wisdom Mamma's... I'm thrilled to be back here after so many years!!
post #9 of 12
Overall sounds like a positive and realistic start. Congrats on taking the first steps!
post #10 of 12
Yes I think this sounds great. I vacillate between fear and joy every day as well and this baby was planned!!! Lol
post #11 of 12
Yay!! That's awesome.
post #12 of 12
Originally Posted by dalia View Post

Yes I think this sounds great. I vacillate between fear and joy every day as well and this baby was planned!!! Lol



Totally. It is definitely another amazing adventure for you and will likely have its ups and downs as they all do. Best of luck to you and your growing family!

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