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after graduation/college

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 

I know most of you have younger children, but I would like your thoughts/opinion anyway.

I am living with my fiance. I have a 25 year old DD, he has a DS 23 and another DS who is 20. We all get along great!


The question is...after graduation/college, when a "child" no longer comes home/lives with you, how long do you wait to change the childs room into something that is needed for the home? To be upfront with everyone *I* would prefer to have all 3 kids living with us, FT...so would my FH...but the boys dislike living in the country.  The younger boy went to one year of a 2 year tech program. He hasn't spent the night here in 1 1/2 years. We see him often, he just doesn't "live" here anymore.


Currently when my family/friends come to visit (I moved in with my FH, which is a couple hours away from my previous home) they sleep on the couches or floors (which I am fine with). However, knowing there is a perfectly good bed upstairs not being used, I'd like to allow guests to use that room. The 20 year old has made it clear that he doesn't want anyone in "his" room. So, for the time being, I continue to have guests sleep on the couches/floor.


I am wondering...how long do we  wait to change the room around? We've explained to him that it will still be "his" room. He can still stay here whenever he wants...the room is still there, his stuff is still there, just not "out". He says he's not sure what his plans are and he wants to leave his room the way it is. I am fine with this...to a point. I don't feel we need to keep it as it is forever...but I am fine with leaving it alone for a while...just trying to figure out what that "while" is.

Like I said, he hasn't stayed here one night in one and half years. He does store his snowboarding stuff here, and has some clothes here still, but hasn't used any of the stuff in his room (which is still matchbox car and farm "toys").

At this point he's still living with his mom (who lives close to his work).

I don't want him to feel that he's being kicked out or not welcome here...but I'm getting a little tired of changing the bedding...not because anyone slept there...because it's all getting dusty!!! :)

Any thoughts? (and yes, his dad is the one who has the conversations with him...I'm just looking for your thoughts on how long one waits to change the kids room into a guest room/work out room/craft room/man cave/etc)

post #2 of 10
Thread Starter 

**my fiance and I have been together for 6 years, living together for 4...if that sheds a little light.

post #3 of 10

I'm sure it's different because my kids are here full-time and always have been... but when we've had an adult house guest, one of the kids always gets booted from their bedroom for a few nights, and room-in with a sibling. I think that if the bed is already empty anyway, it should be available to a guest. I'd ask him if he wanted to go through his stuff before I let anyone in there, and ask him to remove anything he doesn't want others to use. I don't know, I was out by the time I was 20 and after that whenever I stayed at my parents it was in what was then called a guest room (happens to be my sisters old room, my old room is now a play room for the grand kids) 

post #4 of 10
Thread Starter 

Before I met my fiance and it was just my daughter and I, it was the same as you described. Guests usually got her room and she shared my room...or took the couch.

post #5 of 10

Both of mine are in college. One comes home on breaks, the other now and again to visit. The one who comes home? Her room remains as is, because she is home regularly. The older one's? Is a spare room. If we have guests, that's the first option. If there is more than one guest? They take my daughter's room (and she'll bunk with me). 

post #6 of 10

as a child growing up we didn't have an extra room for a spare room so if an adult came to visit, kids with double beds ere kicked out of their beds and slept on the floor in a siblings room.  When I left home, of course other guests slept in my old bedroom! I cannot imagine letting guests sleep on the couch when you have a perfectly good bed to sleep in.

post #7 of 10
Thread Starter 

Thanks for your posts! Happy to see I am not alone! I have no problem with guests sleeping on the floor/couches if the beds are full...but to ask/expect a family member (all 60+) to sleep on a couch or floor when there is an empty bed makes no sense to me at all.

post #8 of 10

I think it's totally appropriate to change the room if they haven't stayed the night in 1.5 years. I'd just let him know that it's still his room, you're just going to box things up for when he gets his own place. My parents did that to me and I didn't take offense whatsoever. It's normal. To expect an 60+ yr old to sleep on the couch when there is a perfectly good bed available is just plain silly. 

post #9 of 10

When I left for college, my parents had 3 younger kids at home and had been searching for a while, for a bigger house than the one I'd grown up in.  Their new house only had bedrooms for the 3 younger ones (2 had shared a room at our old house and I'd had an attic room).  I don't remember feeling disappointed, because it was sensible.  (Nor do I remember where I slept after freshman year, when I went home for the summer!)  But I do remember thinking it was nice that my high school best friend still had her own bedroom at her parents' house, until she graduated and got a job and her own place.  Because really, while you're still an undergrad, your parents' home is still your "home".


HOWEVER, it sounds like your 20-year-old is not in college and has taken a head-start on adult independence.  In that case, it should be gently enforced that it's time for him to take ownership of his adult independence and not continue feeling entitled to monopolize the spare bedroom at your house!  If you want to keep it as a bedroom and welcome him to stay there any time he likes, that's nice.  But especially since he doesn't take advantage of that offer, you have every right to let guests sleep there.  My goodness!


Don't think of it as you and your husband selfishly taking over his space for your personal needs (although again, you have every right).  Think of it as one last, little way to gently and lovingly teach him to act like a grown-up and not a self-centered adolescent, so he can get along with others and have a happy, responsible, considerate life.


P.S.  Come to think of it, we have 3 teenage sons who LIVE at home, but when any of them are gone visiting their other parents or at a slumber party, my husband and I feel entitled to offer their beds to visiting relatives, rather than making them sleep on the sofa.  We own the house.  We provide the bedrooms.  We want our kids to enjoy them and decorate them how they like.  We don't welcome visitors to go through the kids' stuff.  But we don't feel like our kids are entitled to tell the parents who provide everything for them, "Heck, no.  You may pay the taxes on my 120 square feet, and you may have bought my bed, mattress and sheets, but all of that is still MINE and Grandma can't sleep there, even if I'm gone!"

post #10 of 10
When I was 18 and leaving for college, my family was converting my room faster than I could pack. Even though I didn't have a room anymore, there was still always a comfortable place for me to sleep when I visited or stayed there for the summer. I would absolutely let guests use an available bed.
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