It sounds to me like you've married a salesman. :)
I married a guy who was also frequently self-employed and was met with a rude awakening once I dug into his business finances. Basically he had about 40k of cc debt. He also had some back tax issues with the state. I took over his financial management and with his money filed his returns and paid his few bills. I also sold off some of his domains to keep us afloat. It was a rough go but if you approach the problem in a way that doesn't make him feel like an idiot you will get a lot further. That is IF you want to keep your marriage intact.
I'd approach him and say that it isn't working the way it is so you want to "help". Letting his current assistant go may be odd since she is a friend but you honestly shouldn't be paying her a salary if she misses bills or omits less than pleasant data.
Get in there and check out the damage. Try to collect as much information as you can without shaming your husband because he will likely hide or minimize other information if he gets self conscious. You have some options depending on what state you are in but you should at least have a 3 month goal with your husband to stop hemmoraging money, get current on your bills and get back into the black. If that means he spends a day a week going over bills and paperwork with you -- so be it! Take one issue at a time and climb out.
I went in to check on everything. It's a mess, awful, it just keeps getting worse and worse. He's already received several intent to levy assets letters (each for a different fine), and there are even more issues that I was aware of. I started out being worried about the credit cards, but now they seem like a small problem compared to how much is owed to the IRS.
I can sort out some of this, but there are several things that need a professional tax accountant to do, and I just don't have the expertise for that. Talking to him about it is like talking to teflon, nothing sticks. He's convinced he's done nothing wrong and therefore the IRS will be lenient.
DH, needs a wake up call. Is the debt in DH name or both your names? The IRS can and will seize bank accounts, assets, etc. Can you stop using the bank and only deal in cash (IDK how much $$ 'you' have but just to be safe can you take it out of the bank?) Now that the IRS has spoken with someone that just may be enough for the IRS to get active on collections.
Get YOURSELF to an attorney today.
The credit card debts are in his name, the taxes in both of our names.
Yes, he needs a wake up call. I was worried that calling the IRS might get them more active, but from all the letters I saw it sounds like they have been plenty active recently. I'm calling an attorney tomorrow.
Wow, I'm so sorry. I know nothing about IRS issues or being self-employed or business loan debt but I really really sympathize with being in the tough spot of having a partner who you don't see eye to eye with on debt and savings and the financial future picture. I would be really devastated in your position right now but at the very least you can be glad that you are in the position of seeking help instead of just continuing to let things go. Doing SOMETHING is better than hiding your head in the sand trying to make it all go away.
Thank you, it has been an awful few days, made worse by his refusal to take this seriously.